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(1) Insanity Becomes Reality c;
_When Insanity Becomes Reality #1. .-. ;( xx _Myy Life Storii_ ccc; <33 Sometimess I BlaqOut.MsInsanityy _^^_ .x #100): DEAD!!
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🥀Itz Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez,BiRomantic-Asexual. I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, on Step One &11MonthsClean (used every drug except shrooms, Molly and Bathsalts) .I use to forget about my pain, I went to rehabs,(CHYC as mental health and drugNAlcohol Treatment for a year, went to NA and AA?meetings once a week) I'm 21 years old, my dad died In 2011 (of a reported heart attack, but I thought I killed him, I tried to kill him in his sleep multiple times), but he abused me since I was 4 (I fought back at age 9, when the torture got worse, when he hit my mom I started going on a rampage) (beenThruTraumaSince4till2monthsAgo) but I couldn't tell my mom he was abusing me and torturing me (on multiple occasions on our "father-daughter trips" or when we were alone) or he would sell me or kill me, so I had mixed feelings he injection me with Meth and Heroin (inside a parked car at Carl's Jr, he also made me go to the bathroom && strip for him, he would shoot me up and laugh),, i was out on the streets at first in 2012 (I want insane and lost it in May of 2011), now I'm homeless 13 times (witnessed a lot of crimes, did crimes, a lot happened to me also I did a lot as well) ,getting arrested, in fights, almost been killed, I rose a 9 year old kid (now 14 years old) named Anthony Castillo-Martinez, he was I an abusive foster home, so me and my motel roommate and ex girlfriend of One Year. Kimberly Marie-Olivarez took him in, I was mentally unstable and unfit so CPS took him away,after acar accident&igot framed for giving him drugs,&Inever seen him since,Kimberly and i adopted him from an abusive foster home, after me and Kimberly broke up cuz she was cheating on me with my friend Jeremy and b4 Anthony got taken we went 2 court and Kim got all parental rights and i had to pay child support and got superviszed visits, Jeremy Baraz later told me that Kimberly and him were engaged, I got heated and flipped out and he raped me and we got into an altercation, he helped me on the streets&&was my partner in crime , he bailed me out at the police station (after I got put on temporary probation for continually committing crimes and trashing a strangers car cuz there was drugs in there and they were going to go after my son with that car and drug him up, later they cut the probation if I went to long term rehab) , Ishmael Baraz (Jeremys brother, also guided me and later on got into a shooting scene, so i had to bail him out, only fair u know, we went crazy and i almost got killed and so did he, i pointed the gun towards the officer and stated "if you don't let my friend go, I will shoot u and all of ur officers", and they tazed me (and on multiple other occasions went crazy on police, grabbed the gun , gotten tazed, got the cops called on me for no reason but sometimes 4A reason, im known for police, fire department, AMR, sherriffs etc.) he was a convicted felon, && We were all in a cop chase, we made it to OC with Jeremy, and later on Jeremy &Ismhael myBuddyzGotSh0t isaw the entire thing , and I almost got killed as well, &iwasProstituting/got sold, got drugged up and abused 4 money4us (To raise Anthony, and have a hotel for me Kim and him to live), after that incident of Anthony getting taken Kimberly tried to kill me in my sleep with Ambien.a meth needle and vodka.i woke up in an ER, and she killed herself (right in front of me and I tried 2 st0p her, but I was 2latee ,been raped by my drug dealers which also drugged me up.people on the streets,&by sum1 Idon't wanna talk about (now I'm coming clean, it was Kimberly) I was in Foster Care a couple times, the 2nd time i was in abusive/Drugaddicts, Angela and Jimmy Miller (they tortured, force fed, raped, abused, but me, drugged me up, had multiple people (over 40 a day) come in an rape me one by one, Angela and Jimmy had a meth lab in there house and I slept in the middle of the attic, they locked me up in there) , first a foster called GHS with staff instead of parents, and with Lisa (who was like a grandma to me but she passed away later on so I moved , later finding out that she attempted suicide) I've been in 215 mental hospitals (ETS, Loma Linda, Arrowhead, Cedars Cienai, San Bernardino Community, Delamo, The Willows "CRC", Auoura Charter Oaks, Auoura Las Encinas, UCI, Canyon Ridge, Kaiser, Kaiser Sunset, College Hospital, lock down treatment centers,1in Utah called Copper Hills Youth Center, multiple treatment centers, crisis centers (Crisis Stabelization Unit a 24 hour crisis center [CSU] over 80 times), 2 week mental health and drug/alcohol programs (STAY Program (2x), Jumpstreet, Excelsior House, Rancho West, and Telecare Lagos...2x each) group homes (Rancho Domocitas), Boarding Cares (Golden Girls, a SSI paid house of all girls) rehabs (Cedar House 2x, CHYC, and multiple others), shelters (House of Miracles, Lutheran Mission, Set Free Ranch, Path Of Life, and many otherz), the streets (13 times homeless/on the streets, LA, OC, Menifee, Riverside, Murrietta, Mission Viejo, Corona, irvine and San Bernardino), been in car accidents (over 10 times),I've been arrested and detained by a lot of cops in Corona (know mostly all of them, a lot of other people know me in Riverside), I have anger issues (extremely bad), been kicked out of multiple schools since 7th grade, I've attempted suicide over 50 timesXI've self harmed on multiple occasions (in all kinds of different methods) Ihave bipolar (manic depressive disorder type 1 mixed episode), pre diabetes (got rid of).depression (major depressive disorder).paranioa.anxiety.Buliemia.insomnia.Dissociative Identity Fued.skitzoaffective (extreme skitzophrenia && bipolar mixed) ptsd,ocd,attachment disorder.Autism.borderlinepersonality.amnesia.multiple personality disorder, anorexia, && im deaf in my right ear, near sighted, motion sickness, social anxiety, gastridous, && lastly, chronic body pain .....i helped the homeless and people In hospitals (I help everyone way toooo much) been0nallmentalHealthmedication (I mean ALL, including narcotics and Benzos, and any pill u can use to get high) ppl TriedToSend
Me2 MetropolitanStateHospital(highestLevelOfCare), IMD (Institution For The Mentally Diseased) on multiple occasions, ive been to many therapists, physciatrists, ER's, and been on 51/50, 52/50 holds , concervertaship, and lastly ive got taken away from my mom on 4 occasions (personal reasons) I've never had a stable home since 2011,now on Augest of 2018 I'm finally home,ihelp others cus im used to people not caring about me, I have trust issues,im always there2help to care to make sure thereok and I don't stop.StayStronq.It's Izzy Here Again. I Have 22 different voices/demons/visions in my head. Johnny Garcia, Lily, Elizabeth "Liz" Ramos , Charlotte McMann, Wesley Garcia, Constance McMann, Dancing Fire (demon like archangel misunderstood in the form of fire, might be another world trying 2 contact me), Chandy/Gladdis/Leon/Charlene/Raul/Ralphie/George/Michaela aka Michael(all characters from my movie etc.), Erin Ramos. DANCING Squares, Duplicates of People, Bad Mommy/Good Mommy, Bad Daddy/Good Daddy, Visions&Hallucinations of Past/Future, Cones, Red Dots, Flyerway, Veronica/Victoria Enxxellia, Objects Having Force On Me, Flying Objects, Demons Posessing Me. SatanslashGod (can't tell the difference), Richard Enxxellia, Three 7's, Seventy Three 6's, Puppoi (A Duplicate Of My Puppy Raskcal), Mr.OutOfDate, NXSP (0ne Of The Alter Worlds I Live In As Liz Ramos, as I raise hell with Johnny "JJ" Garcia (I try to kill him on multiple occasions but I pulled the Red Wire && he got worse), The Ends (The End Of NXSP it's worse than hell itself times infinity 100 percent), Jonathan Maqranga, TwentyStepsForward, Edgar "Eddie" Alejandria, Dancing Rooms, UglyBitterSky, TheFuckAllTheWayUpInTheSky, Chillwax Alejandria, People From My Past, A Vivid Movie Like Form Of My Whole Past From Beginning To End Flashing By In My Head (Random Times, Coordinated by Dancing Fire Themself), ClosedOptions, Paid2Kill Hernandez, etc.. I Got Chocked, Raped, Tortured, Tied Up, Shot At, Tied To A Tree, Slept In Bathrooms && In Cars (Having Blake Follow Me Into Everywhere I Go && Went into the bathroom , shoving knives, pins, needles, food, guns, sticks, and other shit inside me and he would rape me and if i talked he would kill me. I met Blake at a gas station 3 times to give me my drugs and alcohol paid by for sex with him), I Had 3 Drug Dealers, Juan Torres, Blake Vandiego, Luis Alexander (last name unknown, all of these people didn't give me there real last names, they Identified as what they told me to call them) Blake did the worst torture (playing cakes with me, roleplaying, video taping the torture, I woke up in my bed and he woke me up with 12 meth needles, and we played Pin The Donkey. he would cut me, slice me, bang my body parts on brick walls, put 2 guns in my mouth, 1 gun in each ear, and beat me, burned me, shoved a lighter turned on in my pussy and my butt, he would light me up, and so much much much more torture, all for drugs and money when I became poor), Luis did the 2nd worse torture (he would put a gun to my head at every meal time , beat me, had rough uncosensual sex, played games with me chasing me naked in the hotel room but while playing my sex tapes on the TV, and he would make me sleep outside, all 4 drugs/money when I needed it), and Juan did no torture except (rape me and made me do crimes like the other two did, but he was the sweetest) me and Juan dated for about 4 months, then he perposed, I SAID yes, 4 weeks later he asked me to marry him, and I said no, he said it was fine but 4 weeks later he killed himself with 5 whole bottles of Gabapentin. I Got tortured by more than all 3 of these people. I was a BAD bad bad kid at 12, I was criminally and critically insane, and I did insane things, my behaviors were extremely dangerous/violent/brutal/physcotic/homoscidally insane. 0n 0ne occasion I tried to kill my mom and brother (to take them to Heaven with me), my dad, People on the streets and many many others. I've almost been to Juvenial Hall/Jail on multiple occasions. In the dark Kimberly tried to kill me after she got high on Spice. she reenacted a scene from Criminal Minds that she saw. I was being chased with a knife around my motel room with Anthony watching (he's my son, not by blood but by heart cuz blood doesn't make family), Lisa 0ne Of My Foster Parents would treat me well but on one occasion and one occasion only, she put a gun to my head and told me to shoot her first and than me . so we could escape from this world. I refused and she started drinking heavily , I was her only friend, she had a BAD past as well. her behaviors changed drastically and I would have 2 watch her hurt herself, drink, walk around naked singing Kill Me Kill Me Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead, and What Is Love, I watched her self harm and I tried 2 stop her, but whenever I tried to she would scream and give the gun to me again, she is currently (she's dead but awhile later) was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease, Autism, Skitzophrenia, and PTSD. She killed herself later on. When I was a patient in multiple of the placements/hospitals/lockdown treatment centers/rehabs/crisis centers/stabilization units etc etc. I would misbehave really badly, I would have protected sex, get in fights, extreme physcotic episodes, do drugs when it was not permitted, I'm used to doing worse crimes on the streets anyways.I got bullied 4 the 1st time inside of CHYC, last but yes least, DAMGEROUSLY CRAZY ME wants to tell u one more thing, when I was homeless, A boy named Timothy Sagaste (not real last name) lead me on and we got engaged after 6 months of dating cuz we were so close, I trusted him, we had a connection, but after leading me on for so long I thought things were TOO perfect, and I was right, after I got engaged to him, we had a romantic dinner &; he told me that he was seeing someone else, that he pretendedthat he liked me, pretended our whole relationship everything about it, he told me he was breaking up with me and I Got heated and beat him up and tried to kill him but he finally grabbed the shotgun and knife out of my hands, Tied me to the bed and told me to "Go Kill Yourself Sara, You DON'T DESERVE LOVE, U DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE, YOUR A MISTAKE , THAT'S WHY NO-ONE EVER LOVED YOU, YOUR AN UGLY SLUT TRASHY WHORE AND U NEED TO GO 2 HELL, UR A SHITTY MOM PAYING CHILD SUPPORT. I'M GOING TO BE THE ONLY ONE AT UR FUNERAL AND GUESS WHAT HOE, IM GONNA LAUGH" He went on and on , he us3d my life story and my past against me, after he was done , he took out his phone and video taped me afterward. and he shouted "How Do U Like Me Now" I Got up and grabbed my Medication bottles (Lithium, Adavan, Gabalentin, Abilify, Welbuitren, Zoloft, Vicodin, Seroquel, Norcos, Xanex, Rhresperdol, Atarax, Ambien, My Meth Needle, My Knifes, Guns, Cigarrette Lighters, and My Xprexa and ran into the bathroom, I took a whole bottle of each medication, I made slits in my arm, wrist, neck, I burned myself in the pussy and in my legs (just like how Blake did it) but I hurt myself 20 times worse than anybody ever had, I went physco and I shot myself up in both my arms with meth and heroin, I did the worst torture to myself worse than anybody ever had. I reenacted Blake, Luis ,and Juans torture , plus everyone who has ever tortured me, I did it worse. I put the gun to my head, I added more bullets and i pulled the trigger, I woke up in an ER, and they said I passed out before the bullet hit my head, so now I realize that I was lucky. God Bless everyone and everything, this is the FULL 20% of my 100% of my life story. Fuck Love, Trust N0B0DY && Stay Strong, btw it feels like somethings crawling all over me/or I'm crawling out of my skin , it happens a lot, take care I'm here. ~IzzyMagdalinozMartinez]🥀
-Who I Am Is Darkness- 8/5/14
MY.STORY. xc
hey, I know my dad may have died, after that, I went crazy, physco mental in the head I lost myself I built an emotional wall around myself, I lost my mind and went insane, did dangerous shit that I regr...et, I grew a dark side, I started having hallucinations, different personalities I got possessed, I have REALLY bad anger issues, 34 suicide attempts 50 mental hospital visits a level 14 residential treatment center in Utah and went to a group home called Rancho Domacitas. people were scared of me, I felt numb weak and empty rages and rages of explosive anger and violence, I abused myself to death, I grew worse and worse I ran away anxiety skitzophrenia depression anger violence drugs self harm suicide homoscide there's more things that no one knows about but I was a crazy bitch, I wanted to die, my hallucinations grew worse and worse I smoked my problems away "Johnny" my main hallucination abused me physically and mentally, tbh I don't know who I was I saw my deceased dad, I got the cops called on me, Johnny took full control and I went physco, I had mental episodes bad mental breakdowns ran away everyday got in reastraints started fighting, I wanted to die, I wrote a suicide letter, plenty of times I attempted but I busted my moms door down and started taking pills, I abused myself by cutting punching slamming any self harm possible my anger became to violent I mean I was a mental fucking mess, finally I lost myself so hard so bad I couldn't feel or breathe or think, I just went black, I had blackouts and then I realized I did some really dangerous stupid shit. my life was hard and I still wanted to die and take my family with me I had no touch with reality and my medication wasn't helping, I was done I thought my mom was verbally attacking me but she wasn't, I was pretty messed up, I had a dark side I had so much pain and hurt inside me I was broken and shattered I hated myself because I was a fucking mentally Ill fuck up, I had nightmares about abuse. I wanted my daddy back, I didn't believe he was dead, everyday I grew crazier to the point where I couldn't control it. and I was lost and very very sick you don't even know most of the shit I've done, I was so crazy so I got sent away for a year I got help even when I acted out, I went to a step down group home and all the hospitals. I finally could feel again, and now I'm getting better and back on track. and I find myself again thanks to all you amazing beautiful people I love to call family I don't and can't even put into words how much I love you, all of you, your my family and my mom she's amazing, you all can do this I'm here for you guys I care, you guys I just fucking love you, and thanks, stay strong. that's part of my life story sense I know you all I posted it on here. love you guys I am out of reality in a dark state not mentally there, I'm scared and in pain emotionally desturbed, it's killing me eating me alive and I can't take it the monster inside me fighting to get out.
so what I might be autistic so what I have issues so what I'm retarded I still stayed strong through all my issues for 4 years if I get off my meds I get physco and crazy and "not there" I'm asbergers but I'm smart and I'm learning to stay strong and control myself, it's killing me it's tearing me apart the monster inside me, feel trapped in my body I need to get out, no people with suits my mom is not gonna die, I love my mom so much I'd die for you, for her birthday I'm writing and singing her a song I love you best mother in the world I'd die for you. sometimes it just stops, and then starts up again, his body cold on the couch, I need you I need you, but he's gone. I love my mom so much, she might need to go to the emergency room and I'll be with her right by her side the whole time, cuz I love her so much I'd do anything for her. anyways I love her I'd die for her, the most amazing person I know I'll be there for her all my life she was there for me through all my struggles, that's right no one fucks with my family. no one understands what would it be like if I was gone, I'm getting worse I need help fuck I feel numb and sick in the head, my brain is malfunctioning I don't know what's real anymore I'm done no one gets me like my mom, I'm scared full of pain I feel blank I'm going crazier I have nothing in me but a trapped girl wanting to get out of her cage, I hate this life I'm never happy, I fake I'm ok so my mom can be happy inside me is a monster inside me is someone else and depression and a no one I don't no what to say anymore what to do I cry myself to sleep all night I really do wanna die, but no inside me is full of mixed emotions a girl scared and full of rage and pain, I'm going numb insane it's killing me I am scared, I could cry for forever I love you mom, I'm so anxious I don't know what's going on, filling the empty hole inside me my moms gonna change, I fake it all it all if you new what goes on in my head u would be crying its scary it's bad I could beat myself till I bleed I hate this I'm not safe everyone is getting sick of me, I'm fucking mental and crazy, I'm the craziest girl you'll meet I was bad gone and really really sick in the head I did all the crazy things you can think, Ive done unsafe and crazy mental things I was a physcopathic, by now it's getting better slowly, my moms my life my reason to live I've had problems and struggles I want to be happy but I'm fighting the fight to get better, I'm here for all of you I might have a dark side I've been abused and I abuse myself but I'm staying strong I'm here for all of you, I love you as family and I love my mom to death and I love my mom I feel so numbed like no one knows how I feel and my problems got so bad my dark old self grew stronger than weaker, I wasn't in reality, and who I am? darkness... I've had out of body experiences out of it mentally, emotionally I was controlled by my dark side I went all out I might be crazy but I'm fighting, I'm gonna be happy i love you mom forever I've changed for the worst my mom is gonna change for the worse I just know it. darkness is taking control of me I can't control it. but I love you I love you I'm sorry I SORRY don't take me away, I've tried suicide nope not successful, I'm done but I want to make everybody proud, cuz I love you all with all my heart even tho I feel invisible like a nobody a fighter very violent I'm strong and you guys can stay strong to I'll help you every step of the way, don't you even try calling me weak I'm strong IM STRONG!!!! I don't get feelings, I'm feeling feelings I'm worried and paranoid , no one messes with my mom or I'll beat there bitch ass no one cares or understands me cuz I'm like a puzzle very complicated and crazy but I'm blessed with my family and I can stay strong through my troubles I'm sorry to everybody for being a failure a freak a mentally ill sick child I haven't pleased anyone what if I disappeared left fade away I hate this my crazy ass can end up in another institution, but I'm staying with my mom and I'm mentally 7 in the head my brain is messed up there's something wrong but what the fuck ever I LOVE MY MOM WITH MY LIFE ! I can stay strong. no more crazy me he he xP "Let's go crazy don't be fine go be sane and lose ur mind don't be fraid to lose your mind, nothing's the same, tears I shed but no words can describe the pain I feel, numb.. I LOVE YOU xx I'm losing my mind no sense scared trying to crawl out of my own skin, trapped, full of rage feeling numb, his body was moving he's not dead he's alive. why am I the only one going crazy why aren't I happy ? what if I was just an illusion I don't wanna go insane again or back to the hospital... this is how it is, welcome to the ends welcome to my life, I love you my family listen I've had a hard shitty life, lots of issues lots of treatment, I don't know what's real or what's fake I don't have touch with reality I wanna get help I wanna get better, I have faith in God he can help me turn around my life and my behaviors, I can do this, fuck you haters, I love myself again. NO MORE CRAZYNESS, I may be sick in the head I may be depressed and have problems, I care for you all and I'm learning to love my life. if I could get better in my head and my mental state even though I'm not in a good place or mentally in darkness you don't know what goes on in my head. I'm scared I don't know what's going on what's
happening welcome to the ends, I'm sorry for becoming darkness, if you knew how crazy I was, you would know how far I've come through all my treatment my brain is messed up I might have a brain tumor a clot in my brain I'm not myself I'm dark I'm crazy I'm mental I have problems but I can make it through, I love you all who have always stuck by my side, I haven't been the hospital for a month I haven't done all that dangerous crazy shit in three months, I'm always sticking by your side I love you as family , I still have unresolved issues but I can do this I CAN BE STRONG ITZs NOT OVER YET! I may be out of it crazy on medication but guess what I CAN MAKE IT x.x Dont worry bout me i might not be stable but im staying strong...
You all are enough you all are worth it you al matter, your life is not worthless. Hun I know what it's like to hit rock bottom and back several times. I'm here forcing if u need a friend I'll be there for u care for u help support show you your worth. I've been abused raped tortured homeless 13 times 215 mental hospitals bouncing from unlock and locked treatment centers. I've been in residential. My dad tortured me. I've had trauma 24/7 since I was 4 till july 2018 I got my son taken away. I've attempted suicide over 100 times im a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. No home from 2011-2018 I've been abused in all ways several times. I have skitzoaffective bipolar ocd ADHD depression anxiety PTSD insomnia autism borderline personality, dissociative identity fued. I've been in rehab. I'm not trying to get attention I'm trying to show that y'all aren't alone. Stay alive OK. You are important to me. I know I just met u. But I'm grateful for your life.
~GO TO SLEEP 8/27/13
~MY.STORY. xc xDIS IZ REALITYxx (This is written when I was in my group home...)
I'm feeling really dizzy now feeling a little delerious dont know whats going on NO NO NO i know whats going on now, your fucking with me I knew it from the start, and now I know for a fact i can't trust you, I'm NOT impressed easily SURPRISE SURPRISE you know that Lupe Fiasco song "Go To Sleep" well this is what I gotta tell you so you can go to sleep goodnight goodnight. well bro looks like your gone outta it again throwing the chairs around the room so this is what i do i break the chairs and throw them out the window then i grab a chair and smash it against the wall, making a huge hole, i remember that misrable day with me in the rain, smoking, waiting for one car to kidnap me, i mean one person from a car just to put there fucking hands on me and take me away cuz im getting 51/50 into ETS ive been there like 30 times before i got admitted to about 40 to 50 mental hospitals. where i get in restraints like 10 times a day getting violent abusing me and others damaging myself and property, and other bad stuff, and yes i do hit the staff. then @ copper hills, i was there for a year, i tried to find the "wire" that Johnny or "JJ" my hallucination was talking about. what? you say whatchu talking about? i say cuz it will kill "him" . then one day, i call this "The Delerio Effect" i stole some sporks from the cafeteria and my homie gave me another one, and i cut myself, then i got high off crushed pills, I stood ontop of the sink counter got the metal dectector and tried putting it in the door and staff restrained me and i started fighting and i went totally physco then after I played "red light, green light" with Hadie, she put me on "shut down" i locked myself in the dayroom and pulled off the floorboard "pull off" off the wall and tried cutting me then breaking shit also the window with chairs,now its not as bad as it seems i have visions you know if you dont know then you dont know me at all, i guess thats a good thing, ok about the visions he basically comes at night funny how "at night" is when i act out anyways, "johnny" did some huge damage to me and made me do damage to others, but mostly me, he abused me, made me breakdown millions of times made me violent with crazy ass visions of different shit, its like living in a horror movie.coming after me i tried to kill him but he never dies he said "pull the red wire" which one do i pull theres to many i hate when he "possesses" me when he comes after me even in my dreams he still makes me violent sometimes but less cuz im getting treatment. "you gotta nice autograph picture, one for you and one for yo sister" at my group home "JJ" hassnt seen me (except for once i was outside trying to kill me or hurt myself, i threw rocks at the car that Johnny was running over my mom with in the vision, she ran she ran and i almost went AWOL but i didn't) but i didn't see him any other time @ the group home. i have to get to my mom somehow so i picked up a rock and looked at him, holding back... whether to shove it down my throat or not i looked at the park and the dirt roads wanting to kill or hurt myself im already damaged enough... thinking i could go whenever and wherever i want but then i thought of the consequences of it wow STUPID decision WOW SHOULD I CHOKE MYSELF OR
WHAT? at night i could have died, not in the way i want to die but i would be lost and not be found all i have is darkness maybe "JJ" and wild animals that would eat me alive WELL FUCK DAT. no IM BETTER THAN THAT anyways my "new" goal for the week is (let me quote it excactly) "allow others to have imputs in conversations" but yesterday i thought about eraser burning myself and i had a papercut and i wanted to make it bleed i needed a lookout NO NOT LOCKOUT NOT LOCKDOWN LOCKOUT! so i wouldnt get in trouble but i made a promise to my friends and myself i wouldnt do it AND IM FUCKING PROUD im ready to change ready to work on my treatment my program and take a step further in life and go home in December AND I FUCKING WILL noone or nothing can stop me now im not gonna have ANY issues well maybe ill have them once in a while BUT IMMA MAKE IT so yo out there that think im a fuck up or try to fuck with me FUCK OFF IF YOU DONT BELIEVE IN ME OR SUPPORT ME OR BRINGING ME DOWN JUST GO FUCK YOURSELVES. "so you can go to sleep so you can go to sleep goodnight goodnight" and you too "Johnny" "you can go to sleep you can go to sleep goodnight goodnight" GOODNIGHT MOTHERFUCKER... WRITTEN ON 8/27/13...
[~~XoxoxoLittle Too InsaneoxoxoX~~]
I'm goin thru some thaingz, IM 17 gotta get my shit together u feel me, I'm one of the craziest physcos out there, I've gone thru a lot, we all have our struggles, I wanna fly I feel like I can fly when I'm with you
, I wanna fly I feel like I can fly when I'm with you, I wanna runaway, I hurt myself today to see if I still feel, I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real, stay strong 3
Got no reason in the sundead season, and the ice is frozen and yourself is broken, you go crazy everyday, make me get away. -written by me ✋
Talking with my friend from school, in my class, we talk all the time , call u later, sweeter then an all day sucker, we always hang out in class, talk to u later bro, see u tomorrow my favorite emoji
-with Sergio Delgadillo
You thought I was gone , you thought I was down, you thought I left you all alone, you thought I wasn't around, that I left you alone, look up in the sky, oh look up in the sky, see that I'm everywhere , everywhere, shining down on you
My cousin Madison went to centennial and she knows izzy, I was like wtf lol, what u r up to
Lmfao that face looks like Justin's lmfao just celebrating my birthday I finally got a new iPod
Don't loose it lol
Jk jk
Just kidding bruh
This is my favorite emoji
I know me too
Like this fuck you bitch this is the emoji I use all the time or making fun of somebody
Lol nah
your mean
Not you bro your my friend
Okay
I'm bringing in cupcakes tomorrow
What flavor?
Red velvet
I was gonna bring in cheesecake but I didn't have time to buy it
Goodnight were gonna stalk Izzy, it's Ismael not izmeil, funny how everyone thinks that I just fucking crack up
Everyone thought it was Ismael, I knew it stalk him our little secret, doing dishes huh? Me and Sergio called and talked for a long time about everything.
Izzy's not at work cuz something tragic happened and he wentcrazy he was at a funeral something bad happened
Mr Madina likes me he said "I would give you a hug but I can't it's against the rules" awwww
He flirts with mr talks to me ALOT, he always shows signs that he likes me, I was walking and sitting and he said what's up he keeps following me, when I go around he stares at me and sits close and when I was walking when ms Lisa wasn't looking he said "hey" lureing me in and flirting, he likes me even if he's an adult he wanted to give me a hug, I was walking to the bus and he opened up the gate looked at me and yelled "hey" like hey come here in a flirty way, he likes ms ALOT, always finds an excuse to be with me, like in class he sits behind me and then makes me feel better he cares and sits across from me, we are similar and have bad lifes bad pasts and same problems and issues, he knows it and he understands me, he knows were alike, when I talk about my problems or issues he always listens and can relate and hopes I'm ok cuz he cares. Awww Daniel Madina <333
(I am over ms disfunctional but looking for more , you can do anything, 5/20/2015 @11:28 am)
-Release the pressure cuz I'm sick----
I remember when, we left the world all alone, believe me I've been crazy and thru a lot, 5 years of treatment and craziness, no one help me but my mom, I've been through 4 wrap teams, and a whole bunch of other people for years, I can't function it won't let me, my mind is right back active tossing and turning, not functioning , I've been sick and crazy for about 5 years, I have to get greive therapy, I've had a whole bunch of treatment for 4 or 5 years with basically everybody, actually every single treatment there is or therapist or bringing it back a part of the cure, part of the disease, I need some deep help, take some time, I've gotten every single type of help in the system, for years, and it's not helping, noones helping me, I can see a change in me and my darkness with tears in my eyes crazy insane inside ready to not get bloodshot again && I want to function, it's not that I don't want help, I'm numb I'm not functioning, my brain is wired and sick, I'm not a functioning person, I'm disactivated but look through my eyes, literally there's nothing inside, nothing in me, just empty ness and pain and darkness, I do want help but my brain is not working it's empty and off track, it's not normal it's mentally sick, it's not working at all, I'm like empty cuz one thing is I don't learn or process or function I'm not stable I've been like this for years, there's nothing inside cuz I'm dark , I need help I'm to unstable, I don't want a wrap team , no one helping me or can help me it's impossible cuz I'm to dysfunctional , no one knows how to help but my mom she's lived with me my whole life, I don't want anybody, just family and a therapist and someone to handle my medication, I may be crazy, but all I'm saying is that I can't get help cuz I'm so out of it, cuz you no what, I'm not in a right state of mind, cuz remember love isn't that far bro , Sara. 5/20/2015 @ 11:27 am In dr lee office at Children's Treatment Setvices (CTS riverside)
This is one of my drunk texting lol , this was a long time ago lol
-imma drunk and I see starz , 11/13/2011----
"I see sparkles in my hair sparkies evrywhere, damn look I feel like a flightless bird I g2g rn cuz I'm busy at my buddy bobby joes house, I danced last night and she grabbed my ass, I took dat bottle, Yaaaaa in 1 hour it was gone, you no the stickz rite cuz I waz walking and lemme tell u I felt so free, 2 lettesZ , C and U keep popping up, I can fly! Okie remember wen I laughed like I was in mi eyes, bro I can't explain, I think I'm all gone, yayyyyyz I'm gone crazy rite now bro, call me up lemme tell u that the t has no I, I told u, purple rain, I love you I'm sorry I did not mean to capilaize my s , my name IS Sara, not SARAH, haha ur funny, it's funny how I love u like a lovebird kk guys I'm blown, get ready I'm coming!!!!"
(This is a drunk text I wrote back before treatment at 11/13/2011@ 4:57 am., this is real, it's crazii huh?)
Hey truth is I knew you from Oak Grove in residential, stay strong && I'll be here for you, if u don't remember me I'm Sara, stay strong, I love you -with Jessica Anne Forest
It's 1:30 in the middle (wtf I meant 1:30 in the morning )
Show me how to live again
Kristian, Gilbert, Marcia, eydiel, Jessica
I see a light lmfao
Wtf the camera took these ugly ass pictures of me, I look so out of it ✌️✋
Same here bruh I'm high
Pills really hit the spot
I'm fuckin' goneeee, nigga I'm faded faded
Get some sleep so you can enjoy your day!!
I feel drunk, sorry had to say it, love u
K you need sleep then. Love u
U like alt j
Yoooo it's my 17th birthday bitchies ✋✌️
The day is gone I'm sure you had enough everybody hurts
Mother spoon is flipping me off
I need your luvin like the sunshine
I see the swirls bitch dammmmm you lil ones.
Justins really upset out of it today somethings wrong , he's acting weird, I ask him what's wring he replies all upset nothing, acting different somethings going on, what's wrong Justin are you okay if you need to talk I'm here thank you Sara I appreciate it. He cares and I care.
Woah everythings twisting and turning
Ladies ladies *high squeaky voice*
Girl where do u think your going?
Get yo butt over here
Mother spoon looks like an Alice in wonderland character
Sara nos who u r now so fuck off
Your a life saver ms Teresa
Time to go kill myself now...
Let's play the quiet game shhh
Oh I get a free ride
Can I ride on the go kart
Hi miss Lisa
Oooooohooooh
Oh a free trip on the *insert word, for example, oh a free trip on the gokart*
Goodmorning everybody
Awww thank u ur so kind
Alvarez gets sent to the quiet room after getting in 3 restraints while in the quiet room she fucks up 6 staff and busts the glass door open and goes AWOL having the cops called on her.
Right ms lisa
Are you gonna sing to me carly
What are you eating ms Lisa, oh that's a stupid question I know what ur eating, Just asked that to start a conversation
Don't think about the wrong just help make it right, nomatter what you will never be free,, as the pain holds you deep, it makes you stuck still, make a brand new start, as whatever is killing you inside, it will eventually fade, the dreams you have are real, they don't make pretend, they wont lead you in, believe me it's so, if you don't believe, you'll be in danger, but whatever is pressuring you, will eventually make you stronger, it will help you grow, and help you survive, there's an underground illusion, killing you nomatter what you do, it's tricking you from side to side, suspicions cheating you side to side, solid guide, it can't come quickly enough, your pain rotts into your skin, don't fuck it over, navagate your destrnation, an illusion don't let it bust you in, trust ms it'll fuck you over. Keep it going, cuz nomatter how long it takes, you can remain strong. Ditto.
Oh I didn't even notice that
MoMo likes me I see all the symptoms of it excactly like Gio, I'm glad ur here I care his mom died, stares and he's sweet, when someone says I have pretty eyes he smiles at mr he always smiles at me justins crying, he likes me
I adore you
Hosanna by Hillsong
I was telling my story and mr Madina got all sad cuz he went through the same thing and can relate and is concered about me cuz he cares he went through hard times and he cares ALOT he does same stuff I do to numb the pain, he's really upset somethings wrong he's acting all weird said he's tired tho
Mr Madina really cares he keeps staring and making sure I'm okay
He is talking to me again he is my friend keep it a secret
So my dears where's my shirt get my stuff where's my jacket, drunk as fuck yolo , take it off you see the sticks, yeah that's me, let's do this to the end, aye wanna chug a whole bottle with me? Yayu I'm cojitzu I like to do that, oh that's funny, boom shaka kaka laka :) nite I'm drunk high and I feel my pill okay goodnight xx
420
Rubeno likes 420/ getting high
Go to sleep sis.
Wakey wakey lol
I posted this at 1:00 am in the morning && I was hella out of it
Thanks for helping me && always being there for me. Ily so much and stay strong, you've been there for me and I'll do the same, goodnight ilysfm ❤️
Haha no problem beautiful. Keep ur chin up baby girl!! Ilysfm2!!!!!
I wish we could hang out && shit we be having fun all day haha keep yo head up girly ❤️ oh and btw can u tag me in a post lol cuz I wanna feel the love lol jk I love u
Haha I'll make a trip down there. (:
Love u bbygrl
Hey gurll. Ima make a trip too see you soon. K? Keep your head high till then. and even when I'm there. And when I leave u better stay happy. I made a year. and I Want u too go on the journey with me of being clean. Love you baby girl:)
Awww I love you, you can call me whenever you need, stay strong ❤️
-with Haley Breanne Dunham
This is what I got after I left my rubber band on for 11 days, gtfo of here bruh, same effects as self harming, good thing I took it off, don't do this okie(; I did it as a coping skill, might have to get it stitched closed, wtf nawww bruh. ✋✋✋✋
My mom wants me to get stitches, I mean I've done worse shit then that, but she cares but she's seen my arms worse then that and bleeding, I don't think I need stitches it doesn't hurt but I feel bad cuz my mamas concerned, it was a coping skill instead of self harming or self medicating.
Ayeeeee i may be one of the crazy ones, come ride with a real one, go to sleep lemme take one, gone insane, Imma lose one, ayeee lets start again tho, bruh back to sleep doe. By me ✌️❤️
Goodnight beautifuls, have sweet dreams, ily ❤️
Time to take my sleeping pills✋✋✋ smh I may be crazy lol just kidding, I may be mental but I'm getting help, even if I did some crazy shit in my past I'm learning from it, night night mama ❤️
Goodnight lil' Angels take yo asses to sleep ✌️✋
Falling down in my ass
Lmao
Wait how you fall in your ass
Tbh I don't fucking know, lmfao havnt thought of that
Wtf
This shit is funny
Get down now got another reason, bad past now, but you gotta live it up, you got me && I gotchu, no matter how far, we make eachother stronger, yayzzz I've totally lost it gone insane but bro there's people out there that care but your to blind to see it, remember I love you and that's all that matters, life may be hard mending your pain , doing bad shit to take it all away, but I'll ride with you till' the end, cuz I'll be by your side in your darkest times, and ill make sure I can help you say I love you, pray to God, and He will love you till the end of his days... -by me
Preston, uhhhhh
Hi go to sleep lil' bro && you better get yo but to school tomorrow, love you && go to sleep its past 9:30 not a surprise bruh lmfao love youuuuuuu
I came back haunted, I came back haunted, I am not who I used to be, I don't believe it, I have to see it, I came back haunted , I said goodbye I had to try...-nine inch nails
I'm sober *starts laughing like an idiot*
They're made from recycled condoms.
Fuckin' liar
Look it up I swear its true
I shall
You left?
What the fuck
Hahahaha hahaha just kidding why'd u move
Dumbass what did u do?
i fucking told you!
Hey gio, it's Sara from oak grove, remember you transported me home a couple of times, hope u accept my friend request homie, if it's against the rules then that fucking sucks but I wanna talk to u so hmu bro
Gio iniguez
Damn bro...
I'm with you c; I'm with you I've known it for awhile, I'm with you can't live without your smile. :3 ❤️-iration
#reggaeislife #iration
Dreyers chocolate fudge brownie icecream at Staterbrothers
What are we supposed to do, after all that we've been through, after all that felt right is wrong, now that the love is gone .cx <3 ❤️
Beautiful days, in a magical place xoxo
Ahhh ahhh it fades to grey xx❤️ -visage
I'm in love with your mystery, unlike you I got nothing to hide, here comes the sun.-the weeknd
Your so fake it's disgusting ✌️✋
Brings color to my skies ✌️
"Falling Down" by Atreyu
"Lose It" by Atreyu
"Hey Mama" by David guetta ft Nikki minaj ❤️❤️❤️
Hot Cheetos. Fukkk yeaaaa ! :3 ✋✋✋
Red Baron Pepperoni Pizza
Astrology Answers look in my email...
Where'd you go ese? You left me, okay lol bye Felecia. ✋✌️ lol just messing
First week back at school was nice still missing Gabriella SweetInsanityyx Ramos and Samantha Ferreyra. -devin
I remember you were writing on the walls and I walked in and Hector was like "clean that up" haha I miss u were funny
Good cuz I didn't do shit haha, if I ever make u mad u gotta be straight up with me, I'm straight up with u and I'm sorry if I ever be mean to u cuz I'm an angry person
I'm gonna start boxing sometime during the summer at the gym, I like fighting and I like violence and I practice boxing all the time. It's a good thing I'm doing something I enjoy! That's what's up...
Yo yo yo big homie haha
Hey bro, wazzup? I'm bored af' && I miss chu cx ✋
Miss you too <3
How many days you've been sober? I'm working real hard
Everything, we're both doing good
Don't do that shit, you have my number right? Btw since I like being tagged in statuses tag me in one lol
I do agree that's why I have a tight rubber band on my wrist, it hurts just as much after a few days
Take me all the way
Ya E Ya
You know what's up laura
Don't do anything stupid
or I'll come over there and slap you
I just had some bombass pizza ✌️
What are u doing this weekend? If u want you can come chill with me homie
I'm walking to walmart if u wanna chill with me and my bro
Damn ✌️✌️
Well try to come if u want
No mas
Jk I want u to behave I'm trying it's hard I'm not a person to behave I'm one of the craziest ppl you'll meet but I'm an addict, even with ice cream I need more and more I'm addicted to all the bad shit, mainly alcohol, "one more drink" bullshit even I kno that ✌️
Cuz I do all the bad shit to numb my pain I mean I've gone through a lot, and I've done crazy shit, like physcocicly crazy, to take away my pain, it makes me happy, but it fucked me up, hard, I was mentally out of it I still am, but my past makes me stronger
If my mom says no and you call me yes, I have to be responsible and u should be to bro
No no no don't trip I'll ask if she says yes you can call
Aye, you alright? Just curious I'm worried , goodnight, I'm behaving, u should be behaving haha, hmu and tell me what's going on you lazy butt xP ❤️
Always respect your parents
Is billy alright?
He seems out of it
Sheets of empty canvas under sheets of grey, as her body hold still, has taken a turn, and all I thought I lost everything and my bitter heart shaped beaneth the clouds of what was everything, I talk a walk outside I'm surrounded by some kids at play I can feel there laughter... Twisted thoughts be spinnin round my head, there spinnin oh, turned my world to black all that I am..-pearl jam
MY SONG CAME ON!!! "Mad world" hell yeah I'm in love !! I'm obsessed with this song.
Lol cillacking, your funny sis
Precious and fragile things
Need special handling
My God what have we done to you
We always tried to share
The tenderest of care
Now look what we have put you through
Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give
Angels with silver wings
Shouldn't know suffering
I wish I could take the pain for you
If God has a master plan
That only He understands
I hope it's your eyes He's seeing through
Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give
I pray you learn to trust
Have faith in both of us
And keep room in your hearts for two
Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give- precious by depeche mode. ✋
(Oscar Campos/HectorPerez notes ❤️) chillllll...
-------
What Oscar said: I'm proud of you, it makes me happy, I'm glad your doing better, I see your doing better and I hope ur doing better it makes me happy, have a nice weekend Sara, I'm impressed/proud of you Sara, do your laugh, your funny do your laugh, come on Sara your 17 I can't believe it, keeps asking me questions and tries to make conversation with me, aww your so sweet *kisses* , talks to me, walked in I ignored him he said hi/bye/started talking to me first, pays attention , concerned, likes me more then Preston, Hi Sara, Sara? Uh hiiiii lol. I'm engaged hahaha,donkey dick, dirty hoe, pish posh, how are you doing? Being really nice to me cuz he feels guilty and thinks I don't like him he knows I'm upset try to make me feel better, not be upset and hopes I forgive him, I'm avoiding him and he feels sad bad and upset. But he still cares but he had family problems bruh && he broke up with his girlfriend who he was engaged to he fell apart acted like me, act different and strange and out of it. -today 5/16/2015 at 3:08 pm && Oscar just left.
(Things about Hector @ canyon ridge mental hospital) I have Hector the letter he said "thank you" acting all sad/happy /warm hearted /won't stop staring at me, I love him. Hector sat next to me to be close by me, he talks to me the most, when I sing likes it. "I've been dreaming, pushed to far now, I'm bleeding" , I sang freestyle to Hector "I sang it freestyle, freestyle? Haha" , Hector flirts, stares at me , acts like he likes me, when I was singing he was smiling, he has a crush cuz he acts like it, you remember me now Hector? Yes I do, he keeps acting like he likes me , he stares, when I walk by, he gets close to me he makes an excuse to follow/be next to me/talk to me/see me/he makes an excuse to be with me, acting like he likes me, Hector stood real close to me. He moved away cuz he was awkward around me when I sing, he likes it, he sings freestyle and makes conversation.
Hahaha Hector Perez . Ur not lennetes brother, u don't look alike bruh? Xoxo ✌️✋
-chilling with Hector Perez && Oscar campos ----
Izzydoezit_1990
Imma touch you Imma touch you Imma touch you, I didn't mean no harm, oh ya, so don't say a damn thing, I can't feel, oh babe, I can't feel a damn thing. -The Weeknd
Aye what's sup homie? ✌️✋
I feel ya, just listen to the Weeknd lol, idk why but the subject of alcohol keeps crossing my mind haha
I've been smoking the poison, you've been drunk on your anticdotes, in the end , the end, things we'll never go our way in the end, on the long way down... -Robert DeLong
Fade into you-mazzy star ❤️✌️✌
Go away, back tf' up ✋✋✋✋
This movie is funny af' ✌️
Two and a half men, the original with Charlie Sheen in it ❤️✌️
We're gonna reach that tunnel, do you ever wanna feel, like you did that day take me to the place I love...-red hot chili peppers
✋✋✋✋✋✋
✌✌✌✌✌✌
Gold to black
What lol, I'm not making fun of you so calm tf' down, here u go ✋✌️
Lighter then that.
✋✌️ there u go
Too light!
Haha
Haha :P
✋✌️ now?
A little bit more
Asshole ✋✌️
Aye!!
Your not that white lol
Well technically I am but I'm dark skin but I'm mixed.
White washed
I just used my boobs to get out of a speeding ticket (had to do it )
Don't worry be happy btw I'm in a tank top lol
Two and a half men, the original with Charlie Sheen in it ❤️✌️
Ruthless people
At Rancho domacitas group home we met in the ranch house with Josh
I knew all you guys from Oak Grove, either in residential or day program I was in both cuz I was one of the most troubled kids there, I love && miss you we had good memories, hope your all doing well && I miss you . ❤️ (btw even if we didn't go there the same time, you still went there && I hope u guys are out, if I didn't see you then it's ok lol, stay strong)
Everyone I went to the mental hospital with, I miss you guys ❤️✋ stay strong, I'm behaving lol
Yeah things are cool got awhile till I turn 19 so should be interesting
I've been thinking a lot about my old group home Rancho Domacitas ❤️ I may have been crazii there but I got help, good memories ✌️✌️✋ Barbie Annett Peters
https://m.facebook.com/graphsearch/str/insanity%2520becomes%2520reality%252019/keywords_top?ref=content_filter&tsid=0.7988777803257108&source=typeahead#!/photo.php?fbid=817599331655169&id=100002153301906&set=o.817599121655190&source=48&ref=content_filter&__xt__=12.%7B%22click_type%22%3A%22result%22%2C%22module_id%22%3A1%2C%22result_id%22%3A%22100002153301906%3A817599121655190%22%2C%22sid%22%3A%222074047360%22%2C%22browse_result_type%22%3A%22browse_type_story%22%2C%22module_role%22%3A%22NONE%22%2C%22module_result_position%22%3A1%2C%22result_creation_time%22%3A1428301386%7D&__tn__=E
I'm obsessed with Eminem, his and my life are similar, I love him, I've been his fan since I was very little, love you Marshall #eminem #marshallmathers #slimshady
I'm getting obsessed with Pierce The Veil
Off off off with yo head, dance dance dance till yo dead
On the phone
-with Matthew Allen Clements
Talking with my homie, we talk everything, we be laughing and talking for hours, love u bro, your funny
-with Matthew Allen Clements
--Letter to Eminem by me, Sara--
To: Marshall Mathers ❤️
From: Sara Berger (I love you, read please I am here for you<3❤️❤️)
4/23/2015.
"I'm your fuckin' #1 obsessed fan, I love you && I gotchu. Aye listen, you've been through a lot of shit, I know, I just want you to know if NOONE ever told you this, but I love you to death and I'm always gonna be there for you, I care about you a lot, your my inspiration , my world , one of my reasons to live, I can relate to you, just know I love you && I've been obsessed with you (more obsessed then Stan, lol ) I wanna take your pain away && make you happy, no fuck naw I'm not just one 13 year old obsessed fan girl , I love you like family, and I want to be there for you through thick and thin, make your life better, you speak real shit man, I wish that you can get through your struggle, your fight, I'll help you and care for you through the end, I heard about your overdose, don't do that shit man, cuz if you died I'd be cryin' cuz I live for you, I'd care if you'd kill yourself I'd be there to help you and stop you, one more time I love you more then anything && your songs guide me to a better place, I've been through the same shit as you cuz when I was 12 my father died right in front of me, he used to beat me and my mom, after he died I went fucking crazy, went to 82 mental hospitals, went physco, got major anger issues/homoscidal/suicidal attempts/skitzophrenia/depression/bipolar/ADHD/insomnia/anxiety, not a day goes by when I don't think bout poppin those fucking Beenadryl, smoking, drinking, all the hardcore street drugs, been on the streets for 2 months, I was a fighter a cutter && went so mentally ill I've been on every single medication there is, almost went to jail like 40 times, been arrested by cops over 190, I've ran away and went to go do some crazy shit, no one to be there for me, I've attempted to kill myself over 300 times, I've been 51/50d into ETS, I can't sleep cuz of nightmares and skitzophrenia , I'm out of my mind, if you knew the crazy shit I've done in 4 years, I went physco and probably the craziest girl you'll meet, but I learn from my mistakes , you should do the same, we have been through a lot, and I love you with ALL my heart, my pain and hurt kills me inside && outside, so I self medicate to avoid the pain, I pop pills to get high, I'm the most violent person you'll meet, but even if noones there for me, I'll be here for you ALWAYS. I've been locked up for 3 years cuz I was so fucking crazy and had a lot of behavioral and dangerous issues, I'm only 16, I've been sober 3 days from 4/23/2015, I went into treatment but my anger is still there, I'm physco, but just know, I'm the one person that'll always be there for you, love you && take time to read this ❤️ please take time to read this cuz I'm here for you, I'm you huggest fan, this is my Facebook, also give me yours if you want <3 love you.
Facebook(s)
Alisa DarqAngelxc Monee Alvarez
&&
Gabriella SweetInsanityyx Ramos."
The end :)
Don't ask me call tomorrow and talk to my mom okay
Yes sir lmfao
I'm eating spagetti
She said nothing, you know why, cuz I haven't read it to her yet haha
Yes homie I will calm yo balls lol I love u I gotta go I'll read it to her after I promise
Diced pineapples
~The Night You Left, Turning Sara Into Elizabeth Ramos~
MY STORYxccc
Written In 9/6/12
I was screaming, panting, searching, all over, so this is my story, so i was @ Preston's open house, right? and he got mad at me and tried to punch me so i punched him then i ran round the blocks screaming for you when people walked by i threatened them i was insane dark posessed, i stole a pack of cigarretes and some blue pills and Esctasy the cops (there were about 7 or 8 cars) chasing me but i was to fast finally i got thrown in my moms car i went home lockled in my room going crazy cutting till i was bleeding and beaten and bruised, trashing my room, destroying everything, graffiting on myself and the walls writing "666" everywhere. ranting on satanistic shit, listening to death metal, finally Johnny took full control and possessed me i busted the door down trashed the house i punched my mom and myself the officer in our house i stole a pill bottle and chased my family around ranting on and on i busted the front door open my mom tackled me to the ground i got out of her grip i ran into the dark going cxrazy going mad trying to die with Johnny chasing me and abusing me, after about 5 minutes they tackled me to the ground i went to the car destroying the glass all my personalities came out, i got more posessed than before i realized it wasnt you Cynthia sang to me and i knew it wasnt you it was your father, Presly Garcia, i know you would leave me i knew you would fuck up.
~Lisxten Upx~ MY STORY.cc EMPTY.TO.EMPTY (WRITTEN AT RESIDENTAL TREATMENT CENTER)
This is how I feel, i know you don't have the power to kill my mom you showed me that she burned in a fire well fuck off Johnny are you real? NO YOUR NOT FUCKING REAL. MAKE ME A PERSON OF DARKNESS, my depression digs deep Johnny no Johnny STOP MAKE IT STOP HELP ME HELP ME STOP IT NO GO AWAY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? but you can't kill mommy please dont take me to the ends. i don't know about you, but im done. this is how i feel, i feel lonely, and shattered, don't know where to go, what to do, im just done, i don't care about me, i hate me. I HATE ME. the new me isn't like the old me, the new me has lost herself inside and outside, mentally and physically, im lost inside a big dark hole of lonleyness, depression, sorrow, hurt, blind, numb, fucked up, mental, ill, scared, paranoid, crazy, done... If i leave i know, that you would be laughing you wouldnt cry JUST FUCKING WATCH ME SUFFER ABUSE
MYSELF TO DEATH AND YOULL LAUGH YOUD BE HAPPY. and as i say goodbye, noone will here me. shit. worthless. lonely, nothing. wasted. IM FUCKING DONE! LET ME GO GET OFF ME IM DONE!!! its all clashing down nowhere to hide, trapped inside, wanting to die, wanting to cry, burst, break, can't breathe, its all inside, i have to get out before everyone comes down, i'm sorry to you all for making your life misrable. Something in my brain is missing or snapped, i can't reconize myself, im going dark, nothings helping im getting crazier, getting worse, its taking control of me its killing me, all over, its not normal, its killing me all over, im blind, im stuck, about to break, a chemical embalance, im different. my hallucinations make NO SENSE IM NOBODY WHO AM I I DONT KNOW WHO I AM. im losing my mind idk who i am its the end, wait stop talking, there coming in suits killing me, why arent i normal? whats going on? laugh laugh feeling intoxicated mental retardation out of it delusional fuck man im losing it, im going insane, idk who i am, help me, lost 40 lbs idk who i am real bad hallucinations, try to kill myself, my amazing friend Oscar prayed with me, cared, comforted me, helped me, he saved me brought me to God. I WANT DADDY. WHATS GOING ON? repeated phrases over and over in my head in my mind its broken, IM SCARED, "circles and squares for people who cares" i wanted to die, stayed up all night in the hospital bed, for 20 FUCKING HOURS. nothing makes sense.... BAD.EPISODE.SCREAMING. there after me, i dont know whats going on whats happened to me, ive changed for the worse NO NOT THE CHANGE. idk whats real and whats not, im not in reality, im in a dream can't wake up WHEN WILL I WAKE UP? my life is crumbling, Johnny is becoming real, bad anxiety, mom called 911 WENT TO ETS MENTAL HOSPITAL, CUZ I WENT CRAZY, THEY TOOK ME AWAY DONT TAKE ME AWAY WHY DID YOU TAKE ME AWAY??? IM JUST DONE AND OVER... bye :( So this is how it all started, so on 3/18/14, Tuesday, i tried to commit suicide, the night before i pulled an allnighter with my iPod, and pulling allnighters effects my medication, i was hearing my dads voice talking to me, saying, "im coming back" "no your not you little bitch so shut the fuck up" "im coming back nomatter if i like it or not" the next day at school i went AWA around campus. i was already pissed and triggered, i missing my dad, so i told my teacher and i went AWOL twice, the 1st time i ran i tried to jump in front of a car and my staff saw me and the OGI van was already chasing me, i refused to get in the van, they took me back to the school, i got out and went AWOL again, try kill myself, the van chased me, i fought to get in and this time the staff escorted me to the residential dorm quiet room, i got in 6 restraints 4 escorts, i selfharmed with my nails and i was damaging property. i had a whole bunch of people talk to me i screamed "i wanna go home" everywhere, i started hearing and seeing things, i didnt go home i went to ETS mental hospital, in an ambulance, all this shit happened cuz i was being unsafe, now i learned my lesson.
~Underestimated~ My Storryyxx 8/12/14
Sometimes, its not what it seems, its not reality, could cry and hurt myself for hours not sleep pull allnighters one day after another im bloodshot my brain is sufficating you can see all the hurt and pain in my eyes, im scared, wanting to die, take my family with me, im just so messed up, im done with this shit the mentalness the non functionality the disorders, im tired of me, im tired of life, im tired of everything. im just, darkness. ON 8/7/2012 In progress... okay its now 5:02 P.M, Johnny's awake again, ready to start raising hell, hes in process or "processing" hes adapting, ready to posess me, imma take off the motion detector im FUCKING BLOODSHOT READY TO FACE DEATH IM TO UNSTABLE IM TO DANGEROUS. and the wires, well white wires, trying to break free out the locked doors , so sweet, the dectectors on the doors the wires on the walls, the blood on the ceiling, the dreams that crash my mind MAKE ME FUCKING BLIND. myself broken to peices, 2:00 AM still up slaving myself, about to go out on
myself, wanting to hang, but its just a thought, an addicting thought, the pain and suffering theres no end to the feeling, im down. almost about to become someone else, the transfering starts as i transform into someone dark, a dark shadow waiting to come out and kill the light, as the blood drips down me, on everything, my wrists, so silent, then i scream, cuz im bloodshot, eyes you can barely see nomore, cuz there full of blood, clear for water, the wires falling down, and strangle herself, now its 5:00 am, still awake ready to start it all over again. xx {.} isnt it funny? its like im a completly different person, no touch with reality, yes i do agree ive changed for the worst, mental in the head, my brain doesnt function right, and im different, im not normal stanger to myself its like im a complete stranger... mentally unstable, physco, not normal, im so ill, like im a complete stranger FUCK IT MAN. to crazy for normalcy NO FUNCTIONALITY THE PERFECT FUCK MY LIFE. insanity insane ive dissapointed all of them WHO AM I? nothing.. to bad for me, haha isn't it funny??? "Ms Function or KnoqoutToCrazyyes.no.or.maybe." (POEM BY ME ALISA MONEE ALVAREZ/SARA BERGER) ""Have you heard the news lately, i was born to be dead, meant to be someone, but now imma noone, so now i blaqout, see you later, well maybe... Open your eyes, see yourself cry, die, break, and fade away, heartless and cold, stone cold, broken and empty, noone else knows, the pain that unfolds, the dark side of your mind, mental and lonely, how come you never told me? some reason or excuse, to keep me from me, is it because im to crazy or im sick in the head? all those stories you told me, when i was a baby, something changed right inside me, then i grew up for noone, had no love and acception, then i became different, to crazy to function, my brain is defunctioned, im old and unstable, but i am not able, to pay back the life i was grown to, crazy and physco, noone to hold me, sing rock'a'bye'baby. I guess i was born crazy, mentally ill, built a wall i cant break down, these chains tied right on me, broken and knoqued out, have you heard me lately? i am noone BUT IM BECOMING A SOMEONE I FOUND MYSELF AGAIN, THROUGH GOD, HE SAVED ME, IM READY TO BE HEALED TO BE RECOVERED END THE DARKNESS, GET BETTER, END TREATMENT, IM FUCKING READY YOU BITCHES CANT STOP ME, Im not gonna lose it all, go all out, make stupid ass choices, no dangerous stuff, imma maske the right choice I LOVE YOU GOD, THANK YOU@!!!!!"" POEM BY ME. THE END.
~Break In The Dark, Molero Fever~
Myy Storii xc :3
8/7/2012 "JJ"s awoken from his sleep, Putting Liz and brother's fire out, tonight ...Hes awake, hes awake,please save me, i cant control him anymore, i cant fight him anymore, not even for you, please mom come and save me, make him dissapear so i can see the stars again, Johnny, are you wake? are you ready to raise hell? i knew youd come back, are you gonna just stand there or are you gonna try to take over me, no no no dont touch me, to many people to much noise to much sound, no shut up, rock back and fourth, no mom please fly here tonight and save me, please no no no dont die Preston, are you really in the hospital? no hes not bleeding, open your eyes, JJ do you copy? send Preston to The Ends, the end of WHAT? no Johnny let me go, PLEASE LET ME GO, is that him? no no no no no no NOOOOOO lET GO OF ME. don't touch me DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME GET THE FUCK OFF ME. hes not dead, he cant be, im bleeding, Johnny stop not there, no i need you mom, no Johnny, no Johnny your not me, your a liar, NO IM NOT NOW HOLD STILL, IM GONNA KILL YOU, NO JOHNNY, PRESTON, MOMMY, hes now awake, processing, Johnny to Constance, send em all to The Ends, put there fire out, NOW, I SAID NOW BITCH... Saturday, 2:28 pm, Auguest 18th, 2012, Constance i need to ask you something. Dear Constance, i know how hard you worked to take care of me, but i still cant be here, alone, in this spot, sure i call you and i ask if theres a way to escape "JJ" but your answers always the same, "pull the red wire" but i dont know where it is, so please tell me, i love mom i really do, i cant choose between my real mom, and you Constance, your my sister, i call you my mom, but YOUR NOT MY FUCKING MOM. Liz Ramos, OUT... Thursday, 7:29 pm, Augest 23rd, 2012, and in the dark, he must remain. Things Erin did wrong... 1. told JJ about the red wire, 2. mentioned "the thing", 3. told JJ "L"s number, 4. pulled up a knife to Preston, 5. told JJ that Lisa is "L". Aye, call JJ back @2:30, call mama, to pull it all out, the numbers of "US" make the dreams harder, follow the red wire to kill it all, all the Garcias all the McManns, i thought i was outta sight, but im back on, calling Lisa 60 times a day until he kills, i dont know who, but it all means something, Lorene, i thought the socket was already electrified, i shaked and shaked, now look where i am, look where Preston is, sick as hell in the hospital bed, stop calling Lisa, im asking you Johnny, im not, im not, IM NOT break out with the green wire, i know you can, what about late night? i made a contract for the program, now JJ put me on level drop, 4RF, bitch, now I...I...shit here he comes, calling me, OH SHIT. -.- This is a blog i wrote when i was at my level 14 residential treatment center., Thursday 7/12/2012, for breakfast we had Frosted Flakes, and tater tots, a new girl came in last night, im still obsessed with Eminem, i have lots of songs stuck in my head, like Niton The Reason, i made a lyric list to print out during Monday's therapy, last night Drake gave us ice, i wish i was high, you know if you put toothpaste on an orange it makes acid? idk if thats true but shit, its worth a shot, im gonna be a perfect angel from now on, ignoring negativity im back on Level 1, im so tired-o- we dont have 1st period today, were having an assembly, were listening to Rihanna, im taking a nap u.u we had banana and popeseed muffins, pumpkin and banana bread, some pie, and cinnamon/fudge poptarts, i napped for 2 hours on the floor with my hoody on, im taking a shower tonight cuz i took one yesterday morning, , they had a Native American culture thingy, im just bitchin' around, were going to lunch in 15 minutes, dueces bitches. for lunch we had, we had nachos with meat and cheese, i got a package today, its fucking huge, we have family therapy today. my moms coming on Friday-Monday, in my package i got braclets, clothes, letters, shampoo, blankets and pictures, i cant wait to go on my LOA im feeling REALLY homesick now, those letters were sad, i got two from mommy, one from my lil' bro Preston, one from my grandparents and one from my sister Laura. On Friday i get to go from 5:00 pm to 8:30 pm, on Saturday i got to spend the whole day pass at the hotel, on Sunday its from Breakfast to 8:30 am, on Monday shes visiting here and leaving at 2:00 pm. if im on level 3, i get to spend saturday to monday overnight, on the full day pass, i better get to level 3, thats in 7 days, im sad but atleast i got a package :) i colored a picture and me and 2 of my homies were out of it we didn't know what we were talking about, i smoked some crack JK 0.0 in the gym we fucked around and i felt delerious and manic and hyper, we danced to "sail" by AWOLNATION. for dinner we had ham eggs and toast we watched Grimlen tonight, for snack we had PB and J, goodnight xP Tuesday 7/10/2012, all this noise all this drama makes the suicidal thoughts worse i cant even keep a conversation, im just so over, so done, my homie tried to calm me down, i hate crowds, i hate myself, The Rubies Unit came over and we danced im taking a shower tonight, we are being innapropriate and pervies, Joe's getting us our prizes tonight, im taking a shower after Lydia, Isabell is working on our unit, we did deep cleaning and me and Jessi were keeping the bottle away from Jenna, just for fun doe, GOODNIGHT. Brandi changed our fucking rooms cuz we
were disruptive and laughing so i got a RF (it means Refocus) so i freaked out, i went to the other side and tried to go AWOL, the staff tried to calm me down, but i went crazy and got in 4 restraints and had a breakdown and an episode, i acted out, shit. ill finish my RF packet tomorrow so i can get back on level 1, but Joe BETTER sign it off, AND FAST. night bitchy, whatchu starin' at? am i that sexy :3 then i acted out again tried to bust into the boys unit, i took a shower at 10:00 pm @ night, i was being sarcastic and happy being rude and defaint. i played "red light green light" with Hadi, i went to bed STILL being a crazy bitch, i went to bed and talked with my roommates, nite nite ^.^ in the timeout room i kept calling out and being disruptive, i was being REAL bad, i was in a bad state of mind, manic, not in a good place, HE HE TRY TO CATCH ME TRY TO STOP ME BITCH, my staff was being a pervert after my shower and opened the door ALL THE FUCKING WAY. pedofile much? AND GUESS WHAT? WHAT CHU TALKIN BOUT WILLIS? were NOT getting room changes. nights in white satin NEVER REACHING THE END. Wedesday, 7/11/2011, i broke the glass with my homegirl, i started screaming, then i triggered the voices, i tried to breathe, i had flashbacks, the screaming, all this shit. REAL BAD ONES. i rocked back and fourth... but the voices but mainly Johnny kept ranting on and on. so i tried to climb the bed ladder to fall off, i dont feel safe in this room nomore i started crying and i couldnt stop, Im sick off all this drama, me and Lydia sat in the comfy chairs and sexually joked around, i sat on her so she pinched my ass then i slapped hers, i was just joking around, but the staff thought i was "horseplaying" , dumbasses.... anyways i cant focus on ANYTHING my ADHD is getting worse, and worse, and worse, FUCK FUCK FUCK. i really feel like acting out right now but i dont want to lose my level, fucking bitches, i LOVE YOU MY LYDIEBUG (old girlfriend, Lydia) all the stuff i was involved in is over my friend is crying, i feel bad and i offered her a hug, she needed her space then me and her talked and she gave me a hug. goodnight. Friday, 7/13/2012... okay im depressed cuz Jenna left our unit, for breakfast we had frosted flakes, bacon, and a cinnamon roll, this day is unusual not like others it feels different, i love being crazy, i wrote notes to 2 of my peers last night, and they hugged me and talked to me, today im wearing my Angry Birds shirt and Tweety Bird PJ's :) Meara and Jazmyn brought us chocolate, glaze and maple donuts, cant wait for the high level party today, during math period, i tried to run in the boys bathroom, me and my girls are fuckin' around, im TRYING to keep my level, but i can't help getting a Freeze its hard to be "perfect" were watching "In Time" eating cookie dough, eating Takis and enjoying ourselves, be jealous bitches :P ITS FRIDAY DA 13TH AHHHHHHHH SHITTTTT...i had cookie dough with chocolate chips inside my water cup, for lunch we had BIG WEINES (so we can suck on them) NAH IT WAS A HOTDOG, and veggie burgers. me and my 2 girls are twins, so close, laughing hysterically, making sick jokes, thing is were an oreo im on the middle, there on the outside IM DA GOOD PART HELLA. this is one of the BEST Fridays ever. In Linda's class i slept and i traced and drew some angels. in line me and my girls were having fun, bitchin' around, ass bumpin' eachother, i wonder what unit Isabell works on? cuz theres a boy thats hella cute Cx today MyMy is doing my hair, braiding it to the side, for dinner we had a chicken patty, were going to the CD lounge (or upper level lounge) to have the party. i got a freeze for ass bumping lydia. we all flipped the light switch on and off, PISSIN IN THE DARK, fuckin' around, LIKE A BOSS. fuckin' in the dark. me, angel, and staff are dancing wildly to "NOW" music. modeling and acting sexy, breakdancing. i poured water on my head and danced like a stripper, i took a nice relaxing shower, mmmmmm yummmm. i got 2 bags of goldfish xxyummyxx i got hot cheetos in a cup, well its 10:00 pm, goodnight
Im Ready, Dont Stop PLEASE
Storytime SheNoLiar Red Velvet BITCHESxxx
Tuesday, 6:51 pm, Augest 21, 2012 LIFE OUTTA JOHNNYS SIGHT, WHO FUCKING TOLD YOU, I TOLD YOU SO... why JJ did you open up a new story on us, not willing to even notify me, ive been in the program for 4 fucking years, and you never mentioned "The Thing" to me, im one of you guys, i had sight put on me, and now you want me to uninstall it? JJ get it thru your damn head that im a part of "US" im not going to The Ends i know hes in the hospital. you told me he was sick, i thought you were a liar, but i know its for real this time. the outsiders think your nothing but a freak, unexsistable, fake, but i know your real, i dont want to get a new master, im out of sight, forever, this is me Elizabeth Ramos..... oh my fucking god Erin, can't you see Liz doesnt want you or need you, just shut up, i dont want to hear it, shes outta sight all because of you, NO JJ ITS NOT MY FAULT, please just give me one more chance i dont wanna go to The Ends, im sorry i mentioned "The Thing". No Erin, times up, the red wires been pulled, and its all BECAUSE OF YOU. now we have to live outta sight, and Elizabeth, when she finds out Johnny cant be her master, and ill tell her the excact reason why. Im Erin Ramos this is me... bye. What do you mean? are you saying he left? AGAIN. i know Liz, all im saying is he can no longer posess you. then how the hell am i supposed to raise hell? if it hadnt been for Erin, we wouldnt be in this fucking mess, this would have NEVER HAPPENED. no CeeCee you know what this means, were gonna be sent to The Ends, if one "Ramos' pulls the wire, all the "Ramos" will be taken to The Ends. Do you know how low functioning Erin is? NO. I DONT GIVE A SHIT IF HE IS. SEND HIM TO THE ENDS, IM NOT GOING DOWN THAT ROAD, being a "McMann" HELL NO. Liz, im so sorry, i should have told him, its not my fault, ITS NOT MY FAULT... This is Elizabeth and CeeCee. nite bitch.... Okay Tuesday, 8:38 pm, Augest 28th, 2012, this is Plumb and Erin Ramos, JESUS CHRIST HOW LONG HAVE I KNOWN YOU? for all the time ive known you, like 2 years? shit, Erin hasn't even told Johnny about you yet, Plumb. i know your my friend, my step sister, but i have to tell Johnny, if you want to be a part of "US" i have to. But what if he doesn't approve me for the program? WELL THEN GET YOUR ASS UP AND START THE PAPERWORK. what paperwork? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID? youll be sent to "The Ends" if JJ hears that, dont you EVER deny paperwork, oh and dont mention "The Thing" either. whats "The Thing"? Dont tell JJ that i told you what "The Thing" is, alright? i promise. okay "The Thing" happens excactly on December 30th, 2012. YEAH AND? what happens is all the wires will be pulled, and every person that asleep while its happening will be sent to "The Ends" Erin is gonna be sent to "The Ends" regardless, i know you like Erin, but hes your step brother, he doesnt even know you exsist, well im logging off, nite <3... Sunday, 10:21 am, Augest 26th, 2012... you know, yes you do, know how "The Thing" works. Erin you cant bullshit me? you cant play stupid, do i look blind to you? NO JOHNNY I JUST KNOW YOUR GONNA LEAVE AGAIN. leave Liz, FOR THE 8th MOTHERFUCKING TIME, make a choice, you either stay or leave, so whats it gonna be? ANSWER ME MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND. please PLEASE. ahem, how in the hell do you know all this? have you been trying to figure me out? noone, absolutly noone, can figure me out, unless youve been contacting Presly Garcia? WELL ERIN HAVE YOU? okay yes, i love you Johnny, i really do, i cant deny it, well im done talking now, dueces bitch. YA YA YOU BETTER LEAVE UoU.... Hey Liz, are you online? i love you, this is the last and final time im leaving. mmmmmhmmmm youve said that about 8 or 9 times, JUST LEAVE, I DONT EVEN WANT A MASTER ANYMORE. SO FUCK OFF. well if thats what you want, I DONT NEED YOU EITHER, BITCH... (To Be Continued)
(2) Insanity Becomes Reality c;
_Insanity Becomes Reality #2My Life Story.Love.My.Life.She.No.Liar. CONTINUED._ ^.^
-Trakkped In Raqexx-
On my way to Canyon Ridge hospital, I'll be out in a few weeks I need help... I'm unstable and about to go crazy, I'm mentally ill and dieing inside, I'm ready to break, it's 11:19 pm on Tuesday 4/28/15-4/29/15 I'm ready but trust me if I don't go I'd go physco insane, I'm losing it, see you in 3 weeks hope I don't get a 1:1 in my room or a weird roommate fuck my life
Let's play where's izzy again? Izzy izzy izzy
Balabala burrito
You make it look Like it's magic
MS LISA
Carls JUNIOR
Ate apple pie with icecreqm
Talk to Diana about me being autistic no filter thinking of what I want to say while someones talking no putting myself down
She's a bitch
everything.
Marquez sad ask if he's okay thanks Sara
Did my version of sail cat on Danielle
Ate a pork quessidilla and fries, sail, come a little closer, thinking out loud, it's hot outside, tired I took a nap by the tree, Marquez seems sad, thinking out loud, paramore, quen stefani, hung out hyper then tired with and ms Tareye, really ms aww that's so beautiful, death cab for cutie, were the Bon Jovi girls, runaway Is my song, I got a song for you Sara, are you ready ok, I miss himmm , , awwww now I have a crush on you your beautiful hes lucky, you and him are gonna have a friendly conversation. Can I take a sip on your Starbucks, please, really what? Hahahaha , awwww that's so cute, you can have my chips I don't want them, can I have your water Sara where's the bathroom let me show you, Mumford and sons,, picture of Neil in a cartoon, ewww that's digusting, hello? Ding dong. , what's the password ms Teresa, Ed sheeran, afi, the weeknd. Work with coach on the field , just kidding, lol, apple pie, let's be hyper ms Lisa you sound like a queen, I need to go to bed early for more energy I just answered my own question, no no no STOP! That's not him
your lying, your not 58 ms Teresa WTF. Seriously? She's ghetto no no no don't even, edumacation, it's automatic, did my gangster modeling, sang thinking out loud.oh my god that's so cool, it is 2 o clock, were all cooku in the head, ewww shawns house, party rock, hey! Is that a tatoo the signal sucks here guess who I am getting married to ms Teresa
Ok everybody shut up
Your so magical
Ewww you nasty
Saw new therapist played all about you, ate pringles, got hot chocolate, hey where's Waldo I'm a box in San Francisco, sang freestyle then mad world, prayer in c, stairway to heaven, hanging tree, love song, then my own song Crazy crazy maybe I'm crazy, listen to battle scars, fall in love, dream on, sweater weather, somebody new, modest mouse, the neighborhood,
I got a question where's Waldo?
Hmmm let me think about that for a second, uh no bueno, the weeknd, the cure, read about ne questions in peewee human voice, can u talk like that, try to talk like that. Listen to losing my religion, eminem, whenever I think of Marquez
try to keep him off my mind, went to snack room in other side of building other side no access, lady just locked it just had to unlock it, no doubt crush on quen stefani, biggy smalls, talk talk, tears for fears, heads will roll yeah yeah yeahs
My aid got
taken away yesterday. Sara not doing well. Does not like Lisa.
WHERES IZZY? Lmfao I need him right about now lol
Time to start punching walls lmfao cuz idgaf
Listening to Disclosure right now
Where's Waldo?????
Nah fuck it, I'm hurt but fuck it, I'm in a bad state of mind fuck it, I'm giving up, haha dumbasses
I CANG STOP CRYING IM SO DEPRESSED
You never told me, you'd ever change, your original, take your own path, it won't ever be the same again, cuz a dream starts && a dream must end ❤️
Hi Ms Teresa only few would understand, Marshmellow
Taurus that's what's up ❤️❤️
Dude where's my beer?
I'm go to mental hospital now, fuck it, at Canton Ridge
Izzy knows me too well he's worried about me, he knows how upset I am and unstable and he's wondering how I'm handling it, hes so worried and upset he wants to make sure I'm okay, he's thinking about me and how broken I'd be cuz of my pain and how much I loved him, he knows I'm broken and he's worried, he thinks of me 24/7 feels upset guilty like shit, he feels like I hate him and he misses me, he's wondering what I'm doing and how I'm doing, all day pain is killing him cuz he knows I'm really upset or he's worried I'm gonna do something bad, he misses me, he needs me, he cares about me, he's real upset and think about me, cuz he knows how broken I am, he's just wondering if I'm okay. He remembers all the memories he's sad he lost a friend, he's in as much pain as I am and he misses me, I wrote him a heartfelt letter and it made him cry and very emotional and very touched, he loves me, he read it and he was sad, but it made him happy, it warm his heart and now he miss me ALOT and he feels like a bad person cuz he knows I'm in deep sorrow...
I don't fuck with you
Let's count how many fucks I give, 1 , 2, 3 oh shit they all flew away.
Time to kill myself
Schedulexxx
10th Grade at Centennial High School, 2015)
Arrive at school, pick up from bus, eat breakfast (7:30)
Period 1, Natural Science , Tim Kleveno, classroom 437 (7:40-8:38
Period 2, Language Arts, Tim Kleveno, classroom 437 (8:45-9:46)
Period 3, Math, Tim Kleveno, classroom 437 (9:53-10:51)
Period 4, World History, Tim Kleveno, classroom 437 (10:58-11:56)
Lunch (11:56-12:34)
Period 5, Life Skills, Nicole Broomfield, classroom 919 (12:41-1:39)
Period 6, Foods, Laurie Bleeker, classroom 117 (1:46-2:44)
Go Home! On bus, car, transport.
Fuck my life, I'm hurt so bad, I need to disappear, I am done, I love him, now he's gone, just fucking kill me he was one of the main reasons to live, fuck it I'm so depressed I can't breathe and I ache so bad, this isn't an over exaggeration so shut up ok, he meant the world to me, he was my life, I cry 24/7 now I LOVE U IZZY u NO U WERE MY LIFE I MISS U, my heart is broken I'm broken and I feel sick, I'm going crazy again I'm changing. And back to my old self again I'm done being hurt, WHY WOULD GOD DO THIS TO ME? What did I do? It's not fair I was in true love I lived for him, he's my life, I LOVE U IZZY, WITH ALL IVE GOT, your my life I can't feel anything I'm numb and so done, I'm hurting really bad, can't get out of bed, this made me so ill, one of the worst things ever, don't u get how close I was to him? Don't you get i was obsessed, that I loved him to the moon and back? He was the first male that I was close to and who I loved and trusted, and was there for me, I miss him it hurts me, and now I'm so over, we were so close, he was like a brother and he was my life, this hurts me, fuck whoever did this, IMMA kill you, fuck you, I don't hate u Izzy, I hate the fucking bitches and I'm gonna kill them that took him away... I love you Izzy
Adios Amigos
Fuck you people hahahaha
Time to cry myself. To sleep -feeling drained
Feeling better now-happy
Let's play where's Waldo lol
Allnighter 4:48 AM with the homie Michael, our late night convo lmfao we crazy from 4/26/15-4/27/15 it's morning!!!! Enjoy our drunk convo
"
Pulling an allnighter bro
hahaha yeah But I have to leave at 6:30 am i gotta drive to school in like 2 hours Tag me in this post just because lol I'm the status lol It's almost 3 am lol Ah shit my battery is at like 17 % noooo ikr ive been watching a livestream for 16 hours now lol that sucks I'm not even tired just tripping out lol i was tripping on some good grass was I was drunk at Disneyland lol omg hahahahaha But thing is I didn't even drink lmao lol im watching family guy im tripping my balls off and my dog is just looking at me Damn I was watching Family Guy last night and Stewie and Brian got pregnant and I was turnt I was so like wtf then a smoky smiley face looked at me lol i watching the one where stewie gets herpies from brian Then king of the hill came on and I saw it in purple then black and white then Elmo was talking to me, I was like fuck can't you see I'm watching TV lol, right now I see 2 trees flowing in my house singing a lullybye omg your fucking trippin hahahaha lol im listening to bring me the horizon and asking alexandria right now I know man , my eyes looked buzzed look at my other picture lol i saw lol i love screamo so much.
your a fucked up and nah i dont listen to them anymore Send me a pic, no no not like that lmfao my phone still dont work lol im getting a new one in june My birthday is in May I'm getting a new generation iPod and omg hahaha XD nice you have a laptop or computer? I don't use it lol http://www.youtube-mp3.org/ free music downloader I need to throw up I feel sick I use vid2mp3.com ohh noo go to the bathroom and nice It's now 3:04 am Taking a shit? ikr and what nooo if you need to throw up Your confusing me you CRACK me up i dont even know anymore im sober now fuck time to smoke another bowl to my roof i go Good for you *pats you on the head* lol I'm jealous dont be lol 13 % I'm to lazy to go upstairs to get my charger just do it lol Yeah yeah yeah I'll ask somebody else my ass is perfectly comfy i know that feeling im chilling in my lounger Just kidding I'll do it just for you I feel sick blehhh awww thanks and dont get sick I'm already sick too late nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Fuck you NOOOOOOO MY ASS *throws up out my ass* Merry Christmas this is for you I'm gonna black out oooohhhhhhh god haahahahaha dont im listening to chealsy smile biy bring me the horizon That's what's up My brain will not make it noooo I'm gonna eat my ass hahahaha now a prophecy by asking alexandria me and my ex's song we had sex and had this song blasting lol and ewwww lol jk Did you hear that sound? *starts crying* nooo lol I hear Barney WTF hahahahahahahaha wtf I'm going to school with my disfunctional brain yayyyy *claps loudly* IMMA BOSS hahahaha i hate rain it makes me depressed You going to school like that too hell yeah I'm already depressed lol ikr im always depressed when its cold Austin aye you still up? Me too lol Now I'm sad now she loved my hair lol Awwwww you'll find another person someday I know it's hard but you can't replace, but you gotta find another one you know, and love the single life, lol YOUR HAIR *starts playing with your hair* ITS FUZZY its soft and thanks Soft and fuzzy lol lol its sooo soft only if it wasnt 3am i would be playing my guitar Ohhhhhhh yeahhhhhh, ewwww I sound perverted haha hahahahahaha lol I wanna call u but people be trying to sleep lol lol you cant phone dont work NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! asking alexandria hey there mr brooks That's what's up i love danny What to do what to do Pedophile face meh meh ohhh god Or this i want sushi Eewwwwwwwww ahhh noo DEEZNUTS! Sorry had to do it spicy crab mmmmmm California rolls my fav Spizey bunny lmfao Mmmmmmmmmmm my dog is just chillin lol Feed me feed me meh i dont wannananananananana Fuck you lmfao lmfao lol You tripping out too lol meh kinda I'm seeing birds like what haha Awwwwwwww
aint she cute i love her Let's see what I look like now... Hmmi have been in the hospital over 150 times for broken bones,fractures,dislocations,snappedbones,and soo on I've been to 83 mental hospitals and 57 regular hospitals and 60 ER's damn we broken lol im a skater so dont be a hater i had to lol No no no no back up here comes a professional lol I'm so weird cuz IMMA BOSS BITCH boss ass bitch lol CRACK you up man ... hahahahaha lol 3:34 am, what to do listen to music i have been all night I made up a new word high-drunk and urination lmfao TMI bitch TMI, it's HUMPDAYY no that's Wednesday haha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha That just CRACKED me up lol I just can't stop hahahaha Guess who's a pothead o.o just kidding meeeeeeeeee Meeeeeeeeee pick me pick me yoooouuuuu Yayyyyyyyyy im going to buy my bff some gauges shhhh dont tell her Claps hands it's 4:00 am claps hands Everybody get ready were gonna sing a song ohhh got ill brb gonna make some coffee Bring me some lol decaf CAFINNEEE No I didn't spell that right.... Nooooooo. I'm just kidding idgaf hahahahaha lol"
Really you left me? Ok then lol
It's 5 am
Are you asleep lol I'm awake and it's 5 am
Er
i was in the shower
Wowwwwwww
shower power lol
I have to go to sleep at 5:40 am nooooooooo my mom made me, but I'm waking up at 6 anyways so ok
wtf thats stupid
Naw that's all you lol fuck nah that's my mom I'd die for that women I respect her so shut the fuck up lmfao
lol i love my mom to
She's great
Go give her a Barney hug "I love you I love you" lmfao see her reaction, she'd be like WTF is my son on lol
lol
I'm tired I needa more coffee
Then get your ass in there and get yourself a cup of JO lmfao
i have a coffee maker in my room
*gets up and starts dancing* yayyyyy lol good for you
true
I got to go to bed goodnight sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bite lol. Nite sleepyhead love u
im about to blaze
love you tooooooo
Goodnight have fun lucky ass I need some of that right now night bro *starts snoring loudly*
ITS 5:00 AM
4:51 AM
It's 4:00 am
Hit me up I'll be up all night
2:46 am hello
Pulling an allnighter tonight, my mama approved, it's 2:01 am and I'm waking up at 6:30 so I can stay awake lol
It's now 5:28 AM, gotta go to bed at 5:40 am, 12 minutes lmfao gotta get up for school and I'm on some trippy shit lol
i just hate life right now, ill talk bout it when i more stable fuck you people hahahaha Haha you know I love you lol I'm not mad hahaha That's what's up Your an idiot smh I'm here to I'm used to being hurt so I don't give a fuck no more lol I'm feeling better, kind of, I'm just over life I'm pissed Hey I'm in a bad state of mind I'm leaving Disneyland i forget lol, im so pissed right now ya i was mad at u but i forgot why, haha i have some anger issues The Story of The Goat Fuckers, Sexted by Bitch Shitty Estaslut Jr. by me, ALISA ALVAREZ YO YO YO IMMA BITCH SHITTY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING MAN? OH JUST FUCKING YOUR MOMMA, LETS SHOVE YOUR DICK IN HER VAGINA A LITTLE FARTHER THEN HUMP HER TO DEATH TO THE PUSSY SONG, I THINK HER PUSSY NEEDS A WAXING, LETS SHAVE HER BOOBS FIRST, YOUR BIG FAT HAIRY JUICY DICK WOULD BE GREAT TO USE TO KILL JUSTIN BIEBER WITH AND BANG TRENT REZNOR! ADAM SANDLER IS A GREAT PUSSY BANGER, HIS BALLS ARE HUGE DUDE! I THINK TRENT REZNORS DICK INSIDE ME WHILE BEING HIS BUTT BUDDY COULD BE MY JOB! THEN WE COULD PISS AND SHIT ON EACH OTHERS GRAVES! LETS HAVE SEX WITH NO CONDOM IN PUBLIC! OH ANGIE, I THINK JIMMY PAGE NEEDS TO BE THEE TO DO THE HONORS AND SELL HIS DICK! TO ME! I WANT TO GIVE HIM A BONER, THEN SMOKE SOME WEED TO SOME MAIDEN AND SABBATH AND YOU KNOW DRINK BEERS WITH OZZY OSBOURNE AND MOON SLASH! LETS GET THIS FUCKING PARTY STARTED! CALL THE HOOKERS! GET THESE HOMO FAGGOTS OUT OF MY VAGINA HAIR! GO FUCK YOURSELF LITTLE BOY! ALRIGHT HES GONE, LETS HAVE AN ORGY! WHAT ABOUT THE WHORES, DO I PUT THEM WITH DA SLUTS? YO NO PUT THEM WITH THE NIGGAS OVA HERE! ALRIGHT READY SET GO! OH YA YOU TURN ME ON DAVE MUSTAINE, PUT IT RIGHT THERE! AND ALL THE PEOPLE OF SEX LAND LIVED A VERY FUCKED UP LIFE! GOOD RIDDANCE MAMA WHORES! Next the damn goat shit on Mc Shitty's face, then Bob Da Faggot started burning his dick off, we learnt how to fuck goats and strip on poles, and sex model in front of Jeff Bridges, thats my diary, for my name is bitch shitty. asshole >.< I'm already fucked up and crazy enough I don't need my heart broken and me to get worse got to go goodnight time to take my meds and dream of my dad abusing me, fuck this shit why the hell did u send my brother a friend request ?? haha prove it, just kidding its all good, my brother said u did haha that shit funny, you better not be lieing aww its all good just done lie or ill get mad izzy not my 1:1 nomore, im so hurt sup? some bitch made me fucking mad today, what u up too? Yeah I'm better I guess thanks for asking haha thank u, when coach said that I was like awww funny how people see me that way but I take it as a compliment , aww thank u Yeah, fuck anger, I've had some major anger issues and behavioral and physcotic issues, I was crazy so I got locked up, arrested,almost sent to jail, cuz my dad died, I was crazy but I'm a better person now, I had so many issues, like every kind of issue and every kind of mental illness every kind of problem, but I can't imagine you having anger issues tbh. I don't know why I'm sharing so much but fuck it, I gotchu and I'm here for u, plus u can read my crazy ass life story, but naw you shouldn't, sorry for rambling but you belong in regular Ed idk why they kept u in that class, I bet u can't see me with anger issues cuz I've changed so much after I got locked up, now I'm defined as "sweet and nice" but I'm here if u want to talk bout anything wow I talk to much lol I'm just bored as fuck, I was supposed to go to Disneyland but it got closed for spring break hope u feel better, and why the fuck you punch a hole in the wall ok, we need to chill, bring some beer LMFAO OH FUCK YEAH THATS FUNNY Cartman, lmfao -.- remember Ginger Kids No I wanna slap you for real, i need some of that good shit, when we chill bring some good weed i need to smoke alright ill see, cuz imma bout to lose it all im at my end my breaking point, i need to get away i wish i could call u, but fuck nah i cant, plus im going AWOL from school tomorrow, gotta be good bout it tho, imma go fucking crazy what the fuck is going on
TAKEALLYOTROUBLESANDPUTDEMTO BED c;
New 1:1 Lisa
Justin told me his moms death and he never stopped caring about me and I told him I care
I gave letter to ms Sam
Was hyper and out of it today cuz of allnighter
UNO
Connect 4
Sang and listening to music with lisa walked around campus, upset and about to go crazy today cuz of izzy, lets go search for izzy
Sang to ms Teresa lemme do your hair
Talked about alcoholic shit
Carly took me to school did my makeup hair and listen to R and B
Hyper all day with staff almost went AWOL and crazy
Periods go backwards 654321
Listen to Bon jovi
Fucking manic in class loud and hyper, carls jr, I keep grabbing your colors separate them
Really Justin yes you are
I miss izzy
Got to school at 10:00 am,
Dancing and singing wrote my life story I feel trippy
Saw mr medina and ms Sam are you ok you miss izzy
This is bullshit how can they do this tome ..
Coach gave me licorice
He wants attention
I'm going to go one day without my glasses
Lisa husband die
That's not appropriate, I feel weird act weird today
Sat by tree is grass wet hung out with Lisa
Corey acted out he wants attention
In mental hospitals staff write down and report everything you say
I used to be Crasy lol
Are you my friend would you ever stop caring
Crying about izzy he's not your 1:1 no your fucking with me
Hello ms teresa, mr Justin Chavez, Lisa and I listen to music look at pictures talk ALOT
Thats what's up
Hi ms Sam
I love izzy I'm not gonna say it again
I love you tanya *izzy laughs*
Sara your reduculous
Izzy not my 1:1 anymore he's shocked and upset and taking it hard he's gonna miss me
Izzy's ALOT upset :( This is some bullshit, I miss Izzy they can't do this to me, do you know how much this upsets me, fuck you people he was like family and now he's gone I took it hard I've been crying all day and very unstable, fuck it I'm never getting him back...
Izzy so upset and hurt he couldn't even function didn't come to school he was crushed, everybody comforted I had a bad day, I was crying and hurt izzy knows he got a text and now he's not my 1:1 he got upset, at school today everybody knew I was upset and they helped and cared, fucking bitches. Izzy torn apart and shocked so upset he didn't even come to school he was afraid, he's upset and broken cuz we're close, couldn't even show up at school that's how crushed he was, I follow him on Facebook were both broken inside we had a special relationship, we were like family and trusted each other so it hurt us, izzy knows how broken I am, get him back, he's worried about me, I am he's worried miss me and he wants to see me to make sure I'm alright, I am going to find him he's hurt. Izzy so sad :(
Izzy's Letter <3
"to izzy from Sara, read please I'll be miss you :( Dear Izzy, sorry my writing is shitty lol xP I miss you ALOT you we're always there for me and even If I don't see you I always be here for you, I care for you alot, I know you had a bad past but remember there's people out there that care I'll stand by your side through your struggles, I like you ALOT plus now I can add you on FaceBook cud your not my 1:1 nomore , I wanna make you happy, your like a brother to me, I wish I can take your pain away, but I can't I hope I see you around, I was upset when I heard you were not my 1:1 anymore, I went fuckingout of it, I miss you and remember be professional lol. I hope you have fun at your new job I know it was hard on me, but I can trust you and appreciate your support, hopefully I can add you on FaceBook, you been through alot, I'm here to help you stay strong, I miss you Izzy Rivera, I'll miss you but your happy at your new job I'm still upset, but I still care, and support you we had some dope ass memories, remember we were outside during passing period and I told you my drunk stories, I been sober 4 days I had a hard past but I'm not dwelling on it, please reply to this letter I want to hear back from you, it's appropriate cuz you not work with me, you a great friend, I'm growing and so are you, bye. -Sara Berger"
THE END xx I'll miss you Izzy (;.im broken 3 this hurts me and breaks me apart, cant stop crying, I feel numb, fuck this shit... now im more in an emotional state of mind, curl up and cry, pain is killing me, he meant the world to me. FUCK MY LIFE, I wish I could disappear, I already have enough hurt, now this tops it, im tired of being hurt, im hurt where I cant feel anything, I need to get away. i guess ill never be happy... danger in every color xx
Copper Hills Journal cx
7/12/2012, To Mommy, Im REALLY depressed, and homesick, but im working my program, without you i feel alone, noone can replace you. on the streets for days on end, delusional, pulling allnighters one after another, sleep deprivation, lost and i cant be found, on the streets for days, struggling to make it through, days and days pass by, all alone, so many days spent out on the streets, making myself damaged, street walking @ night, not being safe, dark and cold, abusing myself, need desperate help, wanting someone to save me or kidnap me, scared, alone, struggling to keep myself alive and mentally there, trying not to smoke my way out, getting high to take away the pain, i think about you everyday, and i cry and abuse and beat myself till i cant breeathe and my blood cuts off my circulation, bloodshot. i dont care about any of this stuff anymore, i DONT wanna runaway, i have nowhere to go, not on the streets all alone lost and cant be found, doing things i regret, im danger, im darkness, i DONT wanna do drugs cuz its fucked me up bad and it ruined me and my life, i DONT wanna cut or beat up myself, suicide, homoscide, go crazy, hurt Preston, fight, or my bad dangerous rebellious behavors, NO ACTING OUT, NO BEING CRAZY. its ALL STUPID SHIT, i wanna be healthy, and live my life the right way, im ready to get help, to heal, i ask myself... WHY DID I EVER DO THIS? WHY DID I EVER HURT, WORRIED, RUINED, OR SCARED YOU? WHY DID I MAKE THESE STUPID FUCKING CHOICES? im improving day by day believe it or not, ily so much <3 ^.^ im so so so sorry for everything, for what ive done to you guys, i miss you so much, im opening up, ive found my sensative side, im greiving, but i do admit Johnny is NEVER gonna go away, im trying as hard as i can, i wish you were here, with me, guiding me, reparing me, fixing me, restoring me, holding me, helping me, but ive got to learn to do things on my own, cuz imma be alone someday, i PROMISE i wont fake my way out this time. xooSaraaxoo all dis stuff, its utterly fucking stupid, im ready to start over, clean... okay 7/14/2012, deepest blue be still my heart. Dee wont let me get my Guns N' Roses shirt out of my sharps, i got my laundry outta the Rubies Unit, i got a Freeze from Brandi last night, thats why the boards not updated. For breakfast we had strawberry waffles, with sausages, and Frosted Flakes, im REALLY homesick, im gonna be a Level 3 on Sunday, HURRAH. we watched "Daddies Little Girl" and for lunch we had lasaunya, we had a room cleaning contest, we earned 3 Musketeers Double Chocolate candy bars, i did a stripper dance ontop of my dresser, i sang "Adele" with my homie, being disruptive, acting out, being defiant <3 love music http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLkLimRXN6NKw6mTugNHfFrLdYNdCQ4Iau. For breakfast we had Gritz and sugar, bagels and strawberry cream cheese and hashbrowns we had meatballs with maranara, and onion rings, i lost the picture my mom gave me, during courtyard time we played tag with the homies. 8/3/2012 so for breakfast we had chocolate chip pancakes with syrup, and Crispy Rice, were watching "Valentines Day" eating chocolate chip cookies (the soft peanut butter ones) and blue raspberry Airheads, theres a football party @ 11:30 am, im just watching cuz i suck lmao u.u even if im a level 4 with 1 check, i watch football to. i play basketball in the gym, me and the Old Ereralds Unit girls are doing a play, a parody of "Pirates of the Carribean" im Will Turner, i finished my "Series of Emotions" series, he he, dreamgirl <3 Me and lydia are singing "Ravenheart" by Xandria and "Whispers In The Dark" by Skillet for the unit talent show... Joe got us mini Mp3 players, it should be you it should be you, and me, sugar sugar how you get so fly, clothe you in crimson roses, kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep. Im listening to "Save My Life" by Xandria with the girls in the 2nd dayroom. Save my life, save my life, let these tears be our secret. Ily cartoonnetwork.com, ya know doe I like "Courage of the Cowardly Dog" "spongebob Squarepants" "Kim Possible" "Hello Kitty" xx 8.9.2012. Im counting the countdown. As a child I watched Blues Clues, Bear In The Big Blue House, Seasame Street, the Muppets, Crashbox, Dragon
Tales, and Veggie Tales. My dad works in Downy in this big black building, you can see from a balcony, he works on computers or PCs, theres this office in the building with a two-way mirror, it was made just for me, he tried to implant my name on a nameplate and bolt it to the door, at the office we ate these Gerber Banana Jars, Oatmeal, frozen food, heated up in the microwave, there was baked chicken, and roast beef with a side of mash potatos then we eat Stouffers frozen food, in the PC lab there were these white tiles on the floor that vibrate and echo with you step on them. When I was sick I ate "Clifford" chicken noodle soup, oatmeal, cream of wheat with extra milk and sugar, English tea, while laying in bed snuggled up with my daddy when he didn't have work, watching Charlies Angels, Twilight Zone, and "Two In a Half Men" at my old house in Lake Forest, I had this cabinet/drawer that was like a mini house to me. Daddy and I tried to build a playground/playset in our backyard while drinking "Nestles" hot chocolate. One time @ Home Depot I got stuck in between the display shower doors, and the manager had to pull me out head first, when I got home after that innocent I had to go to bed @7:00 or 7:30 pm and it was still light outside. The song Cemeteries of London by Coldplay makes me flashback to when I was on an airplane flying to Utah to my level 14 residential treatment center, after I said an emotional goodbye to my mom while my brother was sleeping, one the plane listening to that song, looking out the window tearing up, crying, wanting to kill myself, looking over my shoulder seeing the guy across from me napping with his headphones on. A song that makes me depressed is Dust In The Wind by Kansas when I had to leave Oak Grove after I got expelled, I had to say goodbye to a teacher that was like a mom to me, Ms Katherine. Who I wrote letters to, I miss her I really to ^.^ a song that makes me pissed off, is Losing My Religion by REM cuz I went physco and my life was falling apart, it's the song I listen to when im anxious, going crazy, being dangerous, fighting, and mostly when im delirious in a bad state of mind, delusional, bad state of mind, and in a manic state. Or when I damage property then selfharm after I runaway when the cops bring me back home. The song that reminds me of my dads death, is silence from the album Club Nation America, when me and my dad used to ride in the car @ 2:00 am blasting 80's/newave/techno music on our night drives stopping off at fast food places like McDonalds, Jack In The Box or Carls Jr, ah good memories, I miss my dad -.- :( The main reason I runaway is cuz of Johnny trying/taking over me, as I tried to escape him, I run round da blocks, on the streets for days and nights, hours on end, trying to stay strong through the struggle, trust me I was fucking crazy, going all out, stealing, just going totally nuts, bloodshot, no sleep :3 in a bad state a bad place, scared, nowhere to go, I mean shit don't you ever call me weak try to go on the streets for a week, going out of your mind. Where I find the nearest McDonalds, red Robin, or Vonz where I go crazy having a mental breakdown or episode losing your mind going crazy flipping out in the store IN FUCKING PUBLIC, rebellious, just totally losing it. I usually runaway after 4:00 or 5:00 pm till the morning or for days or weeks, staying on the streets struggling, mostly @ night cuz I get anxious. I stole money usually $20.00 and my iPod Touch listening to Losing My religion by REM, Breathe Me by Sia, Nobodies Home by
Arvil Lavigne, and Love Reign' Or Me by Rodger Daultry, that's when I escape/runaway GOING OUT OF MY MIND BITCHES... well is 9:59 am, im counting the countdown =( Sunday 5:52 pm,
NXSP Hallucination Vlog xx--
September 1st, 2012. In my manic state of mind. So why is Plumb "sick"? shes not, she just makes excuses to stay in bed until Erin comes over to fuck, dats da truth, for real doe u.u I mean shit why cant Plumb marry Johnny? He needs someone to sophen up his depression. FUCK. I have been in the program for idk 5 years? From today, Liz has changed for the worst, she went crazy. I got a new socket, not mentioning "The Thing" is hard, but I know how to run it, to sabatosh it. I know it all, deuces bitc hesxx Tuesday, 8:03 pm,
September 4th, 2012, Constance do you copy? Am I the only one dealing with this, im fucking getting sick of this shit, im about to bust open every door to find that damn wire, cuz if I have ONE more day with "Him" showing me my past and dead family members, then Constance, ill just have to kill Erin, hes the reason were in this load of shit, he started it all, everything, all of this, absoultly EVERYTHING, please Constance just leave me alone, ill figure this out, I really am, maybe on my own, maybe with "Him" in person, oh no that would be to risky, I got a question, If I get sent to "The Ends" will "He" go away maybe so, maybe not, but ill FUCKING do something to get sent there. Constance do you copy? No Liz please don't, not this way, NO NO NOOO. Send me to The Ends, right now. NO I REFUSE, NO BITCH DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO CUZ ITS MY LIFE MY DECISION, so no, I am... I am.. well its your choice, im done, blaqout. Tuesday, 8:31 pm, September 4th, 2012, In reality theres no such thing as "sight" or wires to work you, or The Ends, cuz your living in a fantasy, a world called NXSP or Not.Xactly.Secure.Program, in the REAL world, life isn't as strict, and people aren't programmed theres just you know, regular people with no data or chips in there heads and hearts, life is special, you never knew what it was cuz in your mind your locked and stuck in this place, you need to go outside your limits, outside the program, and see how special life is, its wonderful, your free, and you can do whatever the hell you want, you have less rules, and your bodies free, so living in here, this hell hole, forever, how pathetic would THAT be? Seriously fucking pathetic, NO NO NO if Johnny ever hears you talking like that, he will send you to The Ends, THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO GO DUMBASS, DIDN'T YOU READ MY LAST LETTER? WELL DID YA? Um no, um I thought I did, um idk. NO. SHUT THE FUCK UP. DANG... Welcome to The Ends unknown annoynomous, so you know what The Ends is right? Let me give a brief description, when you disobey the program, when your asleep, xactly @ 12:02 am, you burn on fire while "he" transports you to The Ends by stabbing you 6 times with a knife. Then you, in your vision, you will go through torture like you've never gone through in your life. All the things you did to raise hell are done right back to you, you think the REAL world is bad, then try here, your slaved, your beaten, you get murdered countless times, and why do you call it "The Ends"? well, its you know, The end of your life in NXSP and "reality" and "he" doesn't go away, your life is over, theres no turning back, absolutely no chance at all, and Erin's gonna be the 1st one going, and Liz, if you pull shit like this again, I promise you, youll get sent straight there, you've already killed yourself 9 times, 10 marks the end, the end to everything, welcome to the Garcias, welcome to The Ends, now get ready for hell to get raised right back to you, it's the end of all of us, me, Johnny, today im gone fore er, and so is NXSP, for life night...J
Aye. From Crazy Inside ---stories xx
I've had experience with all crazy and dangerous shit, I'm crazier then anybody you'll meet I'm physco, I'm a drug dealer and I'm an addict and I'm used to highs and getting buzzed, if your not experienced with substances like I am you can't handle it, I can handle it cuz I'm an addict, a dangerous one, I've gotten so used to it cuz I've been crazy all my life that it's normal, done every drug and I can handle everything, hard things, lots of shit, I'm experienced cuz I'm a hardcore addict, if your not experienced you can't even handle 3 heavy sleeping pills, while I can handle EVERYTHING, I can handle 3 bottles of them, sure I go physco and I black out and my body gets hijacked and fucked up but I can handle anything, cuz I'm experienced, if your not don't try drugs, I can be on every drug and can handle every drug cuz I'm heavy on high, made up a new word High-Drunk and tripped out, don't try it, you can't, I can cuz I'm used to it and my body can handle my substances and my liquor just fucking saying xD
Oscar thinks I hate him mommy told him he treated me like shit and he's desperate to be my friend he tries to make me like him he feels bad and guilty.
Hump day
Imma crack you up
Slap ass Friday
Take all your troubles and put them to bad
I know bad words in Spanish told ms David to shut up bitch in Spanish
Feed Preston to the dinasours
No!
Awww your gonna make me cry awwwww nah just kidding
Crackheads
Pedophile face
You alright Sara, you look like your thinking ALOT, I'm praying for you and I care, let ms know if you need anything Izzy says.
Awww thank you is that for me
I'm pulling an allnighter it's fucking like 2:08 am and I don't give a fukkkk. I have to wake up at 6:30 am for school so I'm pulling an allnighter nomatter if it makes my brain and body sick, I'm sick in the head because I'm mentally ill and crazy, deal with that shit all day, this way thata way, so fuck it man I'm pulling an allnighter , just got home from Disneyland it took 38 minutes to get home..
I want my hair to be red and blond with a sexy hairstyle
I saw shot glasses lmfao
I feel buzzed
Look at my eyes I feel drunk-high lol
I feel so tripped out right now lmfao
I made up a new word. High-drunk lmfao don't u copy it
That's how I feel right now lol, I just told my mom about my drug dealer lmfao
Hell yeah you didn't know I'm an addict?
Ewwwww
Nothing I just thought of something you feel better now
Where'd you go? Ok then, I'm at Disneyland lol
almost got into a fight today
what the actual fuck >.
i was like this some bad shit, he was all up in my face i was like damn back tf' up
He called me a bitch
DEEZNUTZ
I wanna see the new Hunger Games, I'm so pisssrd cuz it doesn't come out till November
Merry Christmas ya filthy animal && a happy new year lol
her boyfriend was drunk on the phone and she was at my house they were fighting and he was ranting on and on and being rude and then i told him straight up and he hung up. YOU UNDERSTAND NOW xD
I do So shush :P aye I can cal you today...
Boom bitch I feel buzzed, my nigga I'm faded faded faded we like to party and party and party and party and party lmfao lets get drunk , saw 2 ladies with cigarettes and hookah pens I was bout to steal it and walk away slowly... Then punch them knock them out and get blown, plus 7 bottles of vodka lmfao
Me and Izzy are learning not to dwell on our past and let it effect us, he went crazy like me and had a hard life xx Dragon Ball Z came on last night I was so fucking happy I watch every single Anime on Chrunyroll, I'm at Disneyland feeling weird and trippy on Vivance getting a mood stabilizer from Dr Lee and Dr Vo have to get blood tested cuz it makes you overhigh, no take Vivance away, taken all drugs, alcohol, pills and traded with Blake and beat up people on the streets...
Sara's And Blake's Drug Story(;
Written from 2011-2012 (3:50 pm, read mommy don't delete)
Blake is my drug dealer he dealed me every drug there is at different times, he paid for my drugs and alcohol if I had sex with him, him and his baby momma took me out to excotic places, dangerous places, mainly strip clubs, when I was on the streets for awhile or when I ranaway or snuck out of the house at night every night before I got locked up he took me out fucking high, I was on an acid trip most of the time, but I've done every single drug, I asked him to bring a whole pack of beer and we got so drunk we did crazy shit, after Copper Hills I never saw him cuz now he's 30 he was 26, I was fucked up most of the time, Blake and I went crazy . When Blake paid me money to have sex with his homies and I got drugs. I never saw Blake again after Copper Hills, but we went crazy, he was my dealer.
I thought Vivian was gonna hook me up with Hokkah
Lmfao her nigga boyfriend I told off "you better fucking treat my girl right or I'll fucking kill you".
I'm a hardcore drug addict and alcoholic I pop pills all day to where I'm buzzed, ive been to 18 bars like holy shit I'm stoned right now, like bitch naww I'm good, Grey Goose Vodka fuck yeah I've done every drug and smoked everything done every single pill in a bad state of mind and drank alcohal everyday before treatment after I drank 8 times a week then I was sober for 13 days can't stand up I'm tipsy I feel so weird I drank again at Costco lol I'm so buzzed today my meds make me highdrunk lol I hallucinate and shut and i feel drunk lol I feel dreamy and delusional WTF am I doing nawww? Meriel Xvantz Comhyll abcdefg I'm going crazy lol I'm sick and crazy lol I feel heavily medicated feel no pain nomore wake up i in a dream I'm trippin' ... I can't feel myself I'm an addict lol butt buddy get your but down here lemme teach u how to smoke , have sex, and box bro, I'm good cuz imma boss now i watch Intervention with Vivian, I feel highdrunk real bad I got some hookups cuz I'm crazy green leaf blue tea white horse 4:25/2015 I'm on Vivance tonight at 11:27 pm I'm so highdrunk that I'm out of it I'm trippin and can barely stand up I'm losing it and don't know what I'm saying or what I'm doing uncontrollable and out of it again hook me up let's kick it homie. Break up with his bitchass let me talk singing video right song Mac and cheese hot cheetos dragon ball z crackers dancing family guy clevland show don't get up seriously just sit down till I come back, I see black and white, ice-cream music requests Vivian told me her story I read mine lol, I'm stoned lol, king of the hill, I'm done, r and b and talk about get notice as singer make a cd and send it to radio stations,what the actual fuck? I'm going Crasy it's 11:22 pm tonight mom come home at 12 am, wash dishes, made video of me high drunk look for a comedy movie, I don't like her she's new. I'm so down right now look at my eyes haha. Aye it's all good no soup thank you, I'm going crazy little ones ...
Tazed 4 times by cops
Craziest girl ever
Eww she's ugly
Cxxxxx OutOnTheRun
Dance Like Forever xx
Don't Chu Be Fallin' <333
People talk to me
Were at the start the colors disappear
So I Just try keep up with that I dream of you red orange yellow
-lorde "yellow flicker beat"
I'm big bootie Judy
I feel sexy
Call the popo
Izzy dance for mr senior year
Lmfao i was in treatment when I was still physco and I didn't know what being racist meant and I called my staff Dante (he's black) a nigga then I did his ganster dance lmfao I was high && drunk as fuck
I jacked police officers keys/guns/car/basically all the police weapons went physco on a cop and I got tazed
I wanna go to sleep I'm in venom and brainwashed
Can I do the honors
Not no maybe so
Hey what's up
Fuckin lame man
Sleep with the dogs
Oh did ya? Awww Sara Berger, its ok Sara. *weird facial expression*
drug me bitch Cx
Lorde - yellow flicker beat
Jennifer Lawrence - Hanging Tree
Oscar-hey Sara how are you?? I love u as a friend.
What are you doing today Sara
What does that's what's up mean? I just like saying it
Why are you just standing there?
Sara I learn something new from you everyday
Is izzy okay he seems out of it sad depressed something bad happened, sad mood, really gloomy, what's going on
Izzy weird facial expressions
Izzy have a bad day thinking alot
I'm worried about him he's acting different somethings going on told Mr Madina to observ him he's not ok, somethings wrong, he's acting weird
I only worry about you
Izzy got summer school haha
Izzy's different he's depressed he left the class for 20 minutes then acted all sad and weird and starred at me at the wall around and then the floor, he must be thinking alot, told ms Teresa and mr Madina to watch out for him and his behavirs and observ to see what's going on cuz I'm worried, what the fuck is going on? He's going crazy like me, what's happening
DEEZNUTZ. My dick can grow 2 sizes, what the actual fuck?
Me and ms susans cha cha dance
Izzy sit next to me really close ALOT
Izzy copies me whatever I do he does
Izzy flirt and states at me
Me and izzy both have ALOT of problems, lot in common, lives the same
Izzy makes me feel better, takes care of me, pats me on the back and fist pumps
Izzy bad memory/aa meetings/hates arguing
Izzy copies me to impress me
Izzy gets depressed on Christmas
Somethings wrong with izzy today he seems upset and sad what's wrong 4/24/2015
I'm doing better now that Saras here, blessed us with her presence
All the kids in Mr Kleveno's and ms Nicolas class like me
Are u okay Sara, just making sure
What did I tell u about that Sara
Awww Sara Berger yes izzy Rivera
Sara your crazy
Izzy can't take care of himself, doesn't want a baby
No Sara I'm done
Izzy leg shakes bad, anxiety, move body at all times like me
Izzy went crazy cuz of trauma like me
I'm proud of you, not letting your past effect you, your strong, becoming a better Sara Berger, that's the attitude I like to here.
Neil
Sergio
Johnny
Corey
Francisco
James
Mr izzy
Ms Teresa
Mr Justin
Coach Kleveno
Nick
Julian
Damien
Sean
Diana
Elizabeth
Nardine
Moha
Ms Michelle
Ms evon
Went to Costco locked keys in car had to call AAA to unlock been there for 3 hours not responsible ate a swirl,cheese pizza and diet pepsi
Acted like idiots with Preston
Sara I already knew you were hungover -izzy
"I'm gonna get myself a hoe"
Izzy wink at me
When I said I was mentally out of it, izzy looked at me all concered cuz he can relate to me
I missed u
The things u say make me proud
Fairy Larry
I know u too well Sara
I can tell u were already upset I want to help
I really do care about u Sara
Sara u make my day
Ur right about that Sara
I can tell your upset cuz your not even looking at me, are u ok
I know what's it's like to be hungover
Talking to my friend Tanya
Life sucks you know
Go talk to ur little buddies playing on your little phone
She's fucking sexy
Dragon ball z/disneyXD/home alone
What's wrong Sara?
I love you Tanya
Izzy gives me a fist pound, calls me his buddy, Sara Berger
Izzy and I have good memories good convos, have fun, play fight, talk in weird voices, no you didn't, yes I did, no izzy rivera shush, fucking mad bro, beer? I kind of new you were drinking I can tell when u are drinking/upset, you slept till 1:00 you gave it away without even saying it, were both alcoholics and act silly, ok izzy, Sara Berger, see u tomorrow? Bye have a good day.
Me and izzy have fun and talk in weird voices and play fight, were so close. Really izzy, really?
I came to school tipsy, I love u you know that right, you knew what I was gonna do huh? Woowwww, I was gonna look at your phone number, hey Ms Susan, yes Sara I already know, you already knew that huh, wow, you can tell the bullshit in my face, yes Sara I can tell, izzy and I can relate. I love you Izzy <333
Nice clothes (boy,girl,sexy,goth,tomboy)
Dark makeup (all)
Lots of jewelry (all)
Hair flipped over brush it down into a high ponytail to the left or right side of head tie it put big bangs to the right and small bangs to the left, make it into a sock bun with small sock not big sock, small sock makes it poofy have mom make the bun tighter like usual (Disneyland) then mom put head band in front if head
Izzy is emotional/blames himself everything
Izzy says nomatter how much you drink it eventually comes back (izzy drinks ALOT to numb the pain, but it comes back)
Izzy went crazy after parents divorce he got effected most
Izzy gets alcoholic shakes that's why he shakes his leg all the time
Izzy bad memory/ADHD/all mental disorders/medication
Izzy likes sex
Merry Christmas ya filthy animal and a happy new year, get down on your knees and tell me you love me
Lion king
Home alone
Donnie darko
Hocus pocus
Heavy weights
I said I'll never find somebody and izzy said "ehhhh"
Izzy says he gets emotional next to certain people, needs therapy for emotional reasons
Snapchat
Lady gaga
Dajavo
Angry and unstable
Are you feeling better now
It was very revealing
Izzy unstable/beat people up
Road rage/flip people off, stick my head out the window cuss and flip off
Dancing on the freeway
I get blamed for everything just like izzy
Izzy clumsy
Izzy dropped his phone, I picked it up, thank u
Izzy thinks /cares/worries/processes me cuz we have ALOT in common
Izzy sensitive
Izzy can't do it anymore/izzy are u ok/izzy sad tearing up inside/somethings wrong/something is going on
Izzy not smart/harassed in Mexico
Izzy wants to know my FaceBook name so he can look it up
Izzy loves me/holds the door/talks to me ALOT /can u do me a favor Sara?
Sara are you sure ur ok, your acting different, what's wrong
Izzy sad:somethings wrong
Izzy thinks There something wrong with me, make sure im ok
Somethings bothering izzy
Do u wanna go outside and talk? Are u sure?v
Izzy is lonely/lost his girlfriend and everybody , is hurt and acting weird, needs somebody to care for him cuz he had a bad life
Izzy's negative and hurting inside
I want to do what's best for you, I'm concered and want you to be better, I drank last night 4/21/15 and izzy knows he can relate
Izzy knows what it's like to be hurt inside
Izzy puts himself down
Izzy says I can sing "but not as good as you"
Izzy pushes others away cuz he's gotten hurt all life trust issues/izzy is the target for everything/after my parents divorce I was mentally out of it
Why am I the only one going crazy why did it effect me the most? Izzy felt same way about dad cheat on mom
Drinks to numb the pain
Most people like me and izzy try to numb the pain
Walk around all day "are u ok" "make sure your stable" I'm not happy when I get home I'm miserable at school I escape the pain, had a bad childhood; I notice u being stable I notice u hurt, I can tell your sleepy don't know how your feeling or not. Been crazy and unstable and gone mad for 4 years, drink everyday if my life for 4 years, sober for 11 days it's hard I'm an alcoholic "your too young to be drinking" told izzy and diana about my past life they understood shared there experiences related to me, cared and listened. I'm an alcoholic me and izzy tell about past, izzy looks at ms all sad and concered and worried he nos we've been through the same thing, keep looking at me no i am hurt he cares. "are you ok, do u want to take a walk, are u ok, she's a little hurt right now, " izzy cares about me he understands and comfort me. He's trying to talk to me about it make me feel better "you want to listen to music for awhile, are u sure u ok? U don't look good" he help me he's concered, izzy hurt cuz I'm hurt talk to me to make me feel better "come on Sara let's take a walk" "im done trusting people everyone hurts me" izzy sad cuz I'm hurt. "that's happens" asked me a whole bunch of short questions to try to get me to talk. Izzy loves me looks through my book and drew picture , ask me personal questions "what are u do this weekend, feel better" draw on my bookmark wrote me a reminder look through my school binder "are u alright Sara"
Sara your something special you know that
Hey buddy what's wrong
Babymamamas be bitching
Adele/eminem/the weeknd/wrestling
My dad went to strip clubs to fuck women while he was married with my mom (cheating)
I miss my old life sit here crying
Me and izzy's parents divorce about cheating
Daddy ranted and beat me, told me drunk stories, cheat on. Mom
If mom divorced dad, he wouldn't pay child support and hunt me down and take kids away
Izzy looking through my FaceBook, also at me and Omar's messages thinks I'm funny, this is priceless and this is good lol, relates to the messages I sent to Omar, laughs at my messages thinks there funny cuz he talks like me
Izzy in ms bleeker class, 1:1, behavir issues
Don't call me tonight call me tomorrow I'm out of it about to go crazy and not stable, call me 951-531-8542 we fuckin' chill and talk I'm disfunctional bro lol nite call u after school man, fuck it man
fire dumb ass just kidding nite it's fire watch out he fire is gonna burn yo black ass lol, called the fire department it's by Norco no waking us up in the middle of the night to evacuate or go to Red Cross our a hotel taking everything with us, it's a fuckin fire bitch, yo dumbass, aye aye bitchies I'm high/drunk/out of it/mentally out/disfunctional/trying to function, bitchies gotta go to bed I'm fucked up to much drugs , Sara your drunk and disfunctional your hallucinating red dots and about to go crazy, Sara get yo ass in bed lil' girl and go tf' to bed, yo bad yo losin' it, nite bitchies, my white ass is going to bed singing myself a lullybye and inviting myself over to get high drunk af' dang Imma fuckin addict man fuck that shit FUKKK , no go to sleep Sara, imma knockout out, Sara you look like ur about to knock tf ' out how much did u drink/ur going crazy, GO TO BED night my niggas , my throat is hurting my stomach everything I got the flu I can't go anywhere or anything I'm so pissed lol, u got a soar throat huh I lost my voice lmfao I sound like a man haha
im just on the couch with my music I'm fucking sick imma kill the bitch that got me sick cuz I've been that way for 3 weeks, we need to hang out lol.
Smile when it gets hard 3
Sometimes it feels like the pain will never end, like the hurt will never go, like your life is crumbling right before you as everything falls apart, you've had a hard life, && done a lot of behaviors and illegal crazy stuff that u regret, because your hurt and have nowhere to go, I can't hide anymore, time to wake up && face life
AddictedTooMusikk(; <333 c:
I'm sick inside...
Imma be ok just not today 3 got lots of shit on my mind. But I'll be ok... I'm fucking done && broken save me and take me home, time to be admitted into a hospital again cuz I'm not stable, fuck my life, I'm just in so much pain and I'm tired of living and tired of trying, let me go.... ❤️
<33333
Girl what the fuck you talkin bout? I love u <3 stay strong u know I'll be here don't fucking hate yourself cuz there's people that love your ass your real and not fake like them bitches that claim there in gangs or hoodrats or some shit, I gotchu girl, don't let them stupid bitches get you down, if I see whoever made them feel this way imma bust up there lameass cus your amazing fuck who made you feel this way. I LOVE U STAY STRONG <333 Wow , idgaf about your lameass gtfo, imma bust you up you ain't shit and you be claiming you a virgin bitch you fuck every girl that has a fuckin pussy you think your hard shit and your in a gang && been arrested or shit like that, or you've done some hard ass drugs when bitch you don't even know how to roll a blunt, get real and gtf over yourself
Lol we be April Fools eachother, I got u and you got me were even , dumbass read ur messages !!! lol homiegirls SPOOKY... It's not even April 1st ur so dumb lol APRIL FOOLS ❤️ hey bro, your hella amazing && a great friend, you always helped me during theapy and helped me get better, im glad ur out of the group home now, im still struggling, im still here for u, ur my best friend bro, we used to call eachother and all that lmfao, i remember you told me "hope u feel better" well we need to chill, thanks for being my friend, i remember u had your ipod and i had mine we listening to David Guetta, thanks bro,Gilbert Valle Me too sister 'With Gilbert Ville... Aye I remember I met you at therapy in riverside with all 4 if your kids, Gilbert Henry Etic and Adrian and you shower me your drawings and we hung out a few times your my best friend and I'm glad we met your amazing and tell your kids I hope there well I remember when I first met you in therapy. A few months ago, when I runaway you picked me up and wevjammed out to music in Your car, we had great memories and were really close when we calleachotger and talk bout boys I miss you love you remember I'm Sara lol Cxx. -with Jessica Acosta.
- with Jessica. Awwww Oscar thought I was mad at him, he noticed I wasn't talking to him, he said he was sorry and noticed something was wrong he was like "bye Sara" he said "I wanna say goodbye to her" he always comforted me and was there, then he changed, he noticed I was quiet and www mad at him, he noticed that I havnt talked to him, and felt bad and talked to my mom about how bad he felt and how he noticed that he hurt me, then he gave me a high five, like when I was in the mental hospital , he said "your a good friend" "I hope you feel better" "I'm praying for you and miss you" "I care about you and I noticed something was wrong" maybe he noticed that I was hurt but he said he cared and he always helped me he noticed that I was avoiding him, he talked to my mom, he did say I was his buddy and he always helped me, I'm still hurt but atleset he noticed and apologized...
He's worried about me and said he cared about me. Cx
"Is she okay?"
"I've noticed something's wrong"
"I've noticed she hasn't been talking to me the last couple times I've been here, did I do something wrong?"
"Is she upset at me"
"She's not happy with you"
"Well, I'm gonna say goodbye to her, I hope she talks to me cus idk if she wants to"
"Bye Sara, have a good day, see u next week, feel better"
He gave me a high five and looked sad then walked out :3 he noticed he hurt me :( he came up to me all caring and was worried and knew something was wrong. He's so sweet. He feels bad and he's scared to talk to me, he talked to mom about me and if I was ok, he said bye to me and knew I was sad, that's why he talked to mom... He noticed
back in 2011, i wrote this while i was, lol you know xP u already know what i was on, some gateway drugs && drunkhigh lmfao thats my fuckin' word tho xD ...
Comfertttt~~
"I was locked outside my house with only the comfort of my stuffed bunny. I am a grandma and I'm 99 years old, I sang outside to my neighbor so they could let me back in to my house. Then I saw my son, he was crying and I threw a couch at him and called him usless, robots are useless, I'll trade him in for my own slave, I'll name him Bob. I threw a rock at my neighbors window... so they would see me caling out to them, they came out and I said what I needed to say, I needed my dailey pills. They gave me a dirty look and said get your own pills lady."
WTF LMFAO <.> this is funny, omfg last night was hella sick, my homies boyfriend was drunk and saying "i love u baby" and i told him you better f**kin' treat my girl right, then he started bitching and hung up....
I remember you from the dorms at Oak Grove Cx <3333 call u tonight (; 'with Matthew Allen Clements, I feel like I'm on Topamax again, shit, acted like idiots on splash mountain, got pizza port, Starbucks, chocolate pretzels as Fritos. Topamax freak out at Disneyland went to UCI, allergic reaction to Topamax in a dream out of body experience, brain not processing, not in reality and disfunctional, I feel sick, allergic to Abilify, Trileptol, Lithium, Beenadryl, and Topamax. Shit I'm crazy...
-Love And Hate c: Sara && Vivian's song <333
When I first met you I fell madly in love, love I can't escape, cuz I'll always love you, but the sad thing is that he played his little game, pretending to love you , it was his way of luring you in, but he never really loved you, one day she left for awhile and moved on, that was when she experienced her first heartbreak, she was broken into a million tiny peices, he calls her up and he apologizes for hid mistakes and for taking advantage of her. "but baby, I need another chance" "Daniel, if I give you another chance you can't break me like you did before, you have to prove you love me. Yes one more chance." but something didn't feel right. We got back together once again and the fighting and the arguing was nonstop , it was to much to handle. One day I got the guts to tell him "I love you enough to let you go, because it's hurting me to much." so I prayed to God to take away my pain and help me forget about Daniel. Honestly I can say, my prayer was answered, I prayed to be a stronger ideoendent women and I always believed I could be. She wants to work on herself and not worry about anyone else that doesn't deserve her. 3 months later he calls her up begging for another chance, she says no. "you already tore me down, I'm sorry, you wasted my last breath." there was something in him that made me believed he changed like he said, so I gave him one last chance, and my last breath. Now our relationship is a work and progress, love and hate, it's grows to make you stronger....
The End <333
"Stayyy Outta Control" ❤️ story by me(: c: <333
When stuck inside your head, no way out and I try to climb, I run to the end of the tunnel, all I see is black, I just got out of acoma, shit man I'm disturbed, the love I have I cannot explain, my scars they never heal, Mama, don't leave me like Father left me, when I was very young, my parents divorced emotionally && already disconnected. When I came home from school I ran into the attic. I heard screaming and yelling, as I'm dying inside, when my dad beats my mom, I try to protect her, but I can't cuz my dad abuses me if I go anywhere near her, it's an abusive relationship, I'm scared && forced to take sides. Father abused me beaten and bruised. He did it to me the most, my mom called 911 and the ambulance came to take my mom away and the police took my dad away. I had no family, I was stuck with my dads abusive behavior. Me my mom and brother went to Vegas, I drank so much that I blacked out, yes I did it to numb the pain, eventually Father found us and we drove off in our car, our dad raging behind us, I finally jumped out because I've had enough, I pulled the gun to his dead, then beat him till he knocked out . I was tired of him treating our family the way he did, The next morning we were all hiding from him, we all went to bed, and I never said goodnight, I woke up at 3:00 am, to go downstairs to tell Daddy "it's time for work, get up" I thought he would say "5 more minutes like he always does" but he didn't , strange, I thought. I shook him and shook him , he wouldn't wake, "maybe I knocked him out to hard" finally I thought he was dead asleep, he was stone cold, thing is I never thought he was dead, so I went back upstairs, "Daddy you only took me places because you beat me and wanted to make up for it" I went to sleep. "I hate you daddy, I wish you were never my father, I thought you loved me and I thought I was your little girl, but I thought wrong" finally with all those thoughts racing through my head, I soundly feel asleep. I woke up and there was an ambulance outside my window, "I think one of our neighbors got hurt" I got dressed for school, I finally saw a body being carried on a gurney out our front door, into the back of an ambulance, "Is daddy dead?" I ran downstairs and saw my mama crying "Mama what's going on?" She hugged me tight, and the paramedic walked into our house and told us "I'm sorry , William died at approximately at 5:00 am this morning, I'm sorry for your loss." My mom and I locked in a hug and my brother was still asleep, so I went upstairs to wake him up. "Preston, I think you might need to come downstairs." He walked downstairs and saw police and paramedics and everybody was crying , "Preston, daddy is... Dead" me and him started bawling and then I went physco , I trashed the house, I got so violent and out of control that I almost killed myself, I went so crazy that the cops eventually took me away so I punched all of them in the face and they restrained me, I pulled out the gun and pointed it towards the first cops head . "You fucking liar, daddies not dead, he can't be in sorry please don't go, don't leave us all alone." I eventually was about to put the trigger but soon enough they took me to the ground with a tazer, I knocked out. Then I became contious again, then I screamed "I can't live here all alone" so I went crazy again, took 9 whole bottles of my moms sleeping pills, and I overdosed, then I pulled the steak knife to my throat and cut it, "why dont I just kill myself? Kill me now daddy here I come." I did it I succeeded or so i thought, I was in acoma for 4 days , I woke up in the hospital, my whole body hooked with wires, an IV in my arm, doctors pumping my chest, and my heart rate low, I was hooked to this machine and it was keeping me alive, "mam you almost died but your lucky , your still alive" my mom and brother walked into the room holding my hand, "baby it will be alright" they bought me roses and a tray of food, I asked "why daddy didn't go to the doctor when you told him too? " "honey you know he doesn't listen" I drove home with my mom and met my stepsister from my stepmom, and Lori, and 2 CPS workers, and 5 strangers, "who the fuck are these people." "I think I killed my father mommy, mom I found him dead at 3 am, knocked out on the couch, but I never thought he was dead,I'm sorry I fucked up it's all my fault, it's all my fault! "He died of a heartattack , God took him for reason. He died of natural causes" I faced a trauma, 2 divorces, and now a dead father . Fuck my life... Lori and Emily chatted with us , my stepsister Laura stayed with us for awhile, her whole family came down, and I was to emotionally disturbed to go to school, I was unstable and sick, && I stayed home and in the next 4 weeks we had my fathers memorial. As pictures flashed by and his song Amazing Grace was playing , memories flashed through my head and I couldn't hold back my tears so I let them out. I have a tough shell so I keep it all bottled in but I cried finally, then I read my poem I wrote for my father, then I sang the song he used to sing to me when I was little before I went to sleep. The memorial was great but emotional and our whole family was there, I wore a nice dress, everybody wrote a book for our family. Our long time friend Sherry Worrel made us each of Daddy but I couldn't look at it for awhile , then we drove home and I fell soundly asleep && I whispered to myself to keep reminding myself "Sara , he's dead and he's not coming back." Then in Auguest in 2011 I went crazy , mentally ill, and I completely changed, I went so crazy that I wasn't myself ...To be continued <3 on IBR 8...
The End
WELL THAT'S PART 2, STORY TIME IS FUCKING OVER, NOW ITS TIME TO KNOQOUT @ NIQFEVER...
THE END, bye bitchy. ily ^.^
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(3) Insanity Becomes Reality c;
_Insanityy Becomes Reality #3...My Life Story.xD Dark Blaq Outta Mi Mynd.._ u.u
8/2/2012, sleep observation, dear mom, it's the 2nd day of Augest now, I look in the mirror and my eyes are bloody red, im trippin' out, im feeling sick, my eyes are heavy but I don't wanna sleep, all I think about is you, and my LOA and when I cried in your arms, it makes me depressed, so I spend 10 minutes under my blanket crying, trying to flashback to the day you comforted me, I look at the picture you gave me and I wish I was back home, days go by slow cuz of my possible discharge on October 10th, but I keep fucking up, im trying to stay perfect, but I always make mistakes, I do admit and so do other people that im getting way better, the only thing I need to work on is Johnny that's another thing that keeps me up all night. plus other residents acting out triggers me and Johnny i feel sleep deprived i feel like im high or inna dream dont know what im saying what im doing and i start acting strange, then i get sexual and start acting out, but tonight i didnt well thats tonights progress, its now 2:23 AM, graveyard staff are getting pissed, so im going to bed. Nite :) love you moomyxc 8/3/2012 im getting anxious feeling the need to act out, but im a level 4, i think. i feel the urge to act out, i got hyper and skipped up and down the New Emeralds hallway, i was singing and dancing around Dante and Hadi, with the lights off, i dance, he wakes up, JJ, oh no, me and my homegirls went to the upper level lounge and played Konnect Sports i got to know a girl better, turns out she lives in Riverside, now its 2:30, i now lay in bed speechless. , Nite :) 8/4/2012, i took a long relaxing shower, my staff is pissing me off, he gave me and my roomates an "A" code for singing loudly, butthurt much? its 3:27 am, still cant sleep, fuck. 8/5/2012 its now 12:15 am, 15 minutes after midnight, im controlling my impulses, i havnt got an "A" code in the months July and Augest, im feeling sick, mostly homesick, i try to cry but i cant, October 5th i cant fucking wait, im going on an LOA in September and buying my homies hot cheetos, now im going to sleep cuz i feel numb and i want to throw up, nite nite bitches X.X JJ is not gonna wake up, he is not awake, he is not awake, no hes not, so im fine. 8/6/2012 im restless dont know what to do, what to say, life is a funhouse, and now its full of evil clowns i stay up late cuz of Johnny, hes awake, at my old treatment center whenever this one resident woke up, Johnny woke up, but im trying to make him fall asleep, hes awake, Johnnys home. 8/8/2012 its now 1:13 am, JJ came to me again, showing me visions of my brother dieing, and when i try to save him its always to late, i wake up clueless, confused and scared shitless, JJ is not awake, when i looked him in the eye, i couldnt resist like a drug, he changed into someone else, i regret the day i looked him in the eye, i wish i never did, never. its now 1:19 am, im ready, i am, lets do it, bust outta here, tonight, cuz hes after
me, hes gonna get me, JJ's keywords, hes awake means hes coming, raising hell means going physco/crazy, hes asleep means hes gone until sleeping hour, put there fire out means kill them, hes connected means hes looking me in the eye, ready to posess means hes gonna take me over, processing means gonna take full control and give me the pills means killing me slowly, 1:13 am, im bloodshot o.0 8/9/2012 its 8:43 JJ is awake again imma bout to flip out, its 9:37 well now 9:38 the voices are decreasing, well a little bit, all we are is dust in the wind, it goes around my heart like a criminal man, in the heat of the night, she needs to shine i lift the tray, she needs to go to feel the pain, while i stand and lift the trade, ill never be Maria Magdalena, yes heaven can wait. its 10:06 pm I <3 Wranglers, its a type of food, JJ has woken up today, maybe the Tarioki Chicken will soothe and distract me. he brought pain right to me, i couldnt sleep @ all last night, i paced up and down the hallways, JJ's voice still crawling in my head, tried to focus on something else and breathe, well its 1:10 am, nite bitches, get therapists permission to add her to my phone list after discharge. 8/10/2012, da final night, dat ass doe.its 12:17 am, 17 minutes after midnight, for the 1st time im actually tired, L did my hair in braids, i had to take it
out after the shower, well dis is a short observation doe, nite ;)
Loma Linda BMC adolescent Unit 400 schedule:: ^.^ :* -.-
11/14/2014. Adolescent Weekend Program . Saturdayxx
8:30am: wake up/vitals/breakfast
9:30am: goals group
10:15am: insight-BHS activity
focus-recreanational therapy (OT)
11:30am: lunch
12:00am: visiting/phone hours
1:00pm: insight-activity group
focus-activity group (clinical)
2:00pm: insight BHS activity/focus BHS activity
3:30pm: social/relational skills
4:30pm: journaling
5:00pm: dinner
5:30-7:00pm: phone time
6:00pm: family visiting
7:00pm: wrap up group
8:00pm: gym
9:30pm: snack/store
10:00pm: bedtime
11/15/2014. Adolescent Weekend Program. Sundayxx
8:30am: wake up/vitals/breakfast
9:30am: goals group
10:15am: BHS activity
11:30am: lunch
12:00pm: visiting/phone
1:00pm: activity group (clinical)
2:00pm: BHS activity
3:30pm: communication skills
4:30pm: journaling
5:00pm: dinner
5:30-7:00pm: phone time
6:00pm: family visiting
7:00pm: wrap up group
8:00pm: gym
9:30pm: snack/store
10:00pm: bedtime
STORY TIME IS FUCKING OVER, NOW ITS TIME TO KNOQOUT @ NIQFEVER...
THE END, bye bitchy. ily ^.^ TO BE CONTINUED
-I Will Not Believe It-
By me Sara/Alisa/Gabriella ❤️😭🙊👊💖💋💕
I'll believe you when your gone
Before my last dance
Before I told you that I was giving up
My theory was all wrong
I gave myself a reason to decide
A reason to enter
And a reason to remember
I won't make the same mistakes
Counting stars
Counting cars
Chasing no matter how far
Way to far
Walk away
I'll believe what you wait
Into my secret place
A very sacred place
To far away
To close to love
Chasing cars
You know me to well
I won't let you go
So far to love
So far to the room
To the love
To the love
I've been selling my name
&& trying to explain
How much I've been awake thinking
Day after day
Don't take it for granted
You hand me the gun
It's to much
No I can't complain
Cuz now I've been selling my name
And I can't feel anymore
My present to you
Taking me for granted
I'll be waiting here for you
Sunday, too bad on a Sunday
Ohh ohh ohh
To far on a Sunday
And I'll be waiting
Yes I'll be waiting
Don't take your love for granted
I'll still be waiting
Here for you
Hold on tight
And ill be here for the rest of your days
🙊🙊🙊🙊🙊👊💞💔
-written by me Sara /Alisa/Gabriella
~Ive Been Damaged~
Watch the movie "At Middleton" Emeralds anti bullying program, person 1 bullies person 2, person 2's feelings get hurt, person 2 bullies person 1, person 1's feelings get hurt. Skills to help individuals avoid using bullying behaviors. Try not to judge people, but be a good judge of situations and know when bullying might be going on, think about other peoples feelings and their different situations, show support, love, and understanding. When you take care of yourself you will have better self-esteem and will be less likely to bully others, also people will be less likely to bully you if you are well groomed and presentable. Self Soothe with the 5 senses. Things you see, make a part of your room look just the way you want it to, look at nature around you, watch stars, the moon, sunrise or sunset. Look at pictures or a poster that you like, take a walk in a park or in your neighborhood, really look at and notice what is nice. What you hear, listen to relaxing, soothing, or energetic music, pay attention to the sounds of nature (waves, birds, rain, leaves rustling) sing your favorite songs, hum a soothing tune, learn to play an instrument, call a friend, listen to your cat purr. What you smell, use your favorite aftershave, cologne, or perfume, put potpourri in a bowl in your room, boil cinnamon sticks, bake cookies, cake, or bread, smell roses, be mindful of the smells of nature, try smelling a pinecone. Foods you taste, have a good meal, have a favorite soothing drink such as herbal tea or hot chocolate, treat yourself to desset, sample icecream flavors, chew your favorite gum or candy, really taste the food you eat, eat one thing mindfully. Things you touch, pet your dog or cat, take a bubble bath, put clean sheets on the bed, soak your feet, put lotion on, put a cold compress on your forehead, sink into a really comfortable chair in your home, brush your hair for a long time, hug someone, hold a pinecone, hold a basketball, football, or baseball. Sara's Goals: Milieu Goal... decrease SAO behaviors and urges, work on boundaries and behaving apropriatly when promted, be aware of the ability to have healthy relationships. Target Behavoirs... 1) avoid provocative or SAO behaviors, 2) handle staff prompts appropriately. Hi, im Elizabeth Ramos, my moms changed, she marries this man, I call him "HIM" I don't know if "HIM" is Johnny, he changed my mom, turns her reckless and damaged, that's why in all hell im not letting her marry another man. PERIOD. "Shut It Off" enter.in.my.life.no.more.call.my.name.and.hit.the.door.the.doors.are.closing.shut.the.lights.its.all.you.... "Confy Me" I tried, I cried, I lived, I died, I came, when you wanted me to, so its just a stupid game, I want you to confy me... "Life is Tac-Tac-Toe" life is tic tac toe, all the X's and O's oh fuck dis show. "You See It My Way" X-exit "him" out, I want you to be my moto, I need you to see my nacloto. I kissed a vampire.vampire high.teen mom.perfect man.rehab with dr. drew.breaking benjamen.snow patrol. My discharge criteria is to be on level 5, finish chemical dependency (CD) assignments, finish Roadmaps to Recovery workbook. Now its 2/25/13. NO ITS MERRY CHRISTMAS, DIE THE HOLE, THE BIG ONE NOT THE SMALL ONE, just STFU and SAVE ME. ^.^ 1.8.7.9.2.6.5.4.3.10.17.16.18.11.15.14.13.12. ~Elizabeth Ramos.... Gratitudelist.givemethepills.notthroughmyholeyoudont.youfuckin'withthenicestcopincorona.chasingliberty.speak.purge.10thgradekills.madagascar3.toystory3.wall.e.recesspuffscereal.AtoZlyrics.satisfaction.runupthathill.thecroods.life.is.hell.but.you.can.make.it.through.i.know.you.can.chocolate.cream.pie.artic.circle.cheesecake.butterfinger.recess.oreo.shake.SARA.NICOLE.BERGER. Get from A-Z Lyrics: Nobodies Home, Stan, In The End, Losing My Religion. IN HAPPENS^.^ listen up, this is me, im sick of this bullshit, all this drama, all this bullying.STABLE>.< it was something better than in my mind again oh get the fuck away from me, cuz maybe im stable. Maybe im crazy, maybe im okay, maybe am alright. 1/21/2013, hey mom, I was looking through that photo book today and I got really emotional, you know how I said I didn't care if daddies dead, now I really do care, im getting really anxious cuz Angie moved my discharge date cuz I was being unsafe, I think im stable enough to get off my meds nomatter if you think so or not, im scared, real scared, cuz I might lose my level, like I did last time cuz of SAO, I wish I could go back and change that, change the past, but that's not possible, I cant stand this nomore im done with my level, everything, im hiding under my shell with so much pain, I keep holding in to much depression, that ive been hiding, I don't know what to do, anxious, don't know where to go, I wanna go home so bad, want to see my family, all my coping skills aren't working, I just feel outta control, nomatter if im on my meds or not, being bipolar sucks and people think that being bipolar is a "trend" well no its not, im sorry but it's a disorder, not a gift, im not stupid -.- Angie taught me this breatheing exercise, when you put your left on your stomach and your right hand on your chest, breathe in, tummy in, breathe out, tummy out, the 2nd time you breathe out you make a hissing sound for as long as you can, theres no one to talk to, no one understands me, or what im about, music keeps triggering me, well, I have an LOA once I hit level 4 or 5, then we can talk about discharge to the group home, but what if I lose my level? STOP!SHUT UP! That's called "thought blocking" then think about a happy thought, try to be mindful, well mom, I gotta go, but im getting better, im feeling better too, well kinda. Angie is giving me powdered donuts, the small pack.bye.dueces.bitchiexx^.^ 5-2-2013.LIFE>.< I know ive had rough times, and I thought I couldn't make it through, but then I tried and believed in myself and I got through it, you can do it to, all you got to do is have faith in yourself, and don't put yourself down, ive always been there for people, and helped them out and sometimes I thought they didn't care, they didn't say thank you, but they did, ive got to take control of my life and put all the pieces together. Mom, im sorry for all the things I did to you, ill repay you somehow, brother, I know I treated you wrong, but ill show you that I can be a better sister, I keep repeating to myself in my head "Im beautiful" "im awesome" "I can do this" "I can make it" sometimes I think I cant do anything right, and I believe it, but deep down inside I know that's a lie, cuz I know I can do it, I can make it through, I can do this on my own, because im me, AND IM FUCKING PROUD u.u Sara.the.awesome. 8.8 "I want to write about making progress in life, getting through tough times, how friends can drift away, and leave you. It starts off as "I know the day is gone, I know the sun is out, and you have no place to go, and you just drift away, from all this stress, all this pain, you feel like no one loves you, that no one cares, but underneath all that theres a lot of people that care, look outside and see what you see. The sun shines out and im happy, you know your happy, live life to the fullest, don't let stupid things get to you, be yourself, be who you are, not what other people want you to me, I know, I know, that life is tough, but you just gotta believe in yourself, have hope, and speak what you believe, cuz your beautiful inside and outside" v.v 6/29/2013"Questioning Me" I told you so, oh I told you so, so why ya questioning me, so why ya questioning me? Aye aye, oh, oh, I told you so yes I told you so, so why ya questioning me, so why ya questioning me? Its not what you think, just do what I please, stop getting' in my way, yes I told you so. Get outta my face, face, face, get outta my face, face, face, before I punch you in da face, face, face, say somethin' say somethin'. BlueFlowerxxWarriorxxshe-catxxbluetabbyfurxxblueeyesxx J I need you mom I mean fucking RIGHT NOW. Bluepaw/mist~blue tom with amber eyes. (warrior/apprentice) skywater~elder~white tom with gray patches and green eyes...PAIN IS A BITCH JUST SAYIN'. Fig Nuetons.TREASURE.LOCKEDOUTTAHEAVEN.itwillrain.ireallywannalovesomebody..xc welcome to Sunclan ;) Coffee Cake Moon Pies are fuckin' bomb. My nigga we off that but you cant bring the future back-JayZ:3 All along it was a fever, spirit watcher.butterslastmeal.com.forbutter.1stperiod.composition.anna.GOTDISsummertimesadnesscX ALPINEHAHA,wearBigBearJacketWithHoodieOn.lastfridaynightxx now dis im not tellin nobody 10/17/2013, you know last night 10/16/2013 I broke my belt to get contraband to cut myself, it didn't even do anything, then I found a CD and started cutting with that, my roommate saw it all but didn't say shit, good friendxP 9/24/2013 no.not.that.please.fuck.you. dangg, what a fucking asshole I cant believe I wasted all my damn time on that bitch, know last night "JJ" came to me again burning my mom in a fire, then slitting her throat, NOONE FUCKS WITH ME OR MY MOM.HAHAHA>:P 8/2/2013.ClosingTheChairs. where did my page go oh shit its bugs crawling,what the..holy shit what da hell is that? Chandy...what..shutup...umNAH...IMGOODxx... woah not in sleep mode I told ya theres no rope but a wire, uh uh J no you didn't, told ya bout those counter meds, but not a time for full of one desire oh oh oh wire fight chit chatter, woah I feel so high, went to Alpine for a ropes course.now I feel delirious like a cow HAHA oh not picto, not me found a chair sit sit high on mommy pills look @ the ceiling eyes so bloodshot, needs of few, wow smart pickle, not just wrong altagraph HEHE omg. Going doing falling sexy girl, hey it's a monkey like stalking me, heads up feels like Johnnys coming back, poor choice its not yellow its blue, fuck it what not portable, not army ants, hyperness up inside, fall down see shaky me, good afternoon how bad how sad, you're my bitch, you sucky, okay mixed not colar thank you, it's a toy broken, wow im overtired, OMG dis is me fucking on da rope BOO YAHHHxx up down all around up in ya face haha very funny.imgoing.numb.IamYOU...Alicia.Perry."Tigers Milk" nutrition bar peanut butter and honey..Pythogream therem A2+B2=C2..IM SO SORRY PRESTON...youknowwhatletmetellyouthisillalwaysloveyou.Sing our fucking hearts out, everybody put your hands up. UP DOWN UP DOWN UP DOWN.so Alicia whatcha doin? Nothin' just fucking up dis bitch in Isle 3 HA HA V.V lookin' like yo so damn fly, fuck dis place leaving November 8th he aint touchin my shit, yes I do. Let me thinkin about that for a second. UM NO. nevermind. Ya datz rite. 10/3/2013. So no getting over you, so wassup? Nothin' you? Oh would you shut up. No im good. Please stop giving me all these excuses, I saw him depressed todayxx he had his hood on said "wazzup Sara?" on the way there "bye sara have a good day""oh you scared me" "laters, see you tomorrow okay." You know what fuck it im cutting myself, running away, I couldn't play Soccer cuz I got an infected toe, Bobbie pushed all the puss out, how dang gross x) 10/8/2013. IM GOING FUCKING NUMB. Help me save me hold me crush me I need to die, I need to fuck up Johnny I need to cut with a knife steal it from the kitchen one night, and just do it, runaway in the middle of the night and find my dad, he cant be deadFUCK FUCK FUCK HELP ME PLEASE I need IDK please what the hell am I anymore?i think im manic, so fucking anxious, why don't I just do it tonight? Who would care? You know nothin', SO GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. Im gonna isolate in my room, with music and shake and cry, JJ is coming back in my dreams, ive gone numb, maybe crazy, I need to steal pills from the red cabinet and overdose. LET ME GO MAKE IT STOP, daddy please hes gonna kill me,so why just kill me now, who the hell oh shit im depressed, anxious, numb, ready to raise hell again, HA HA HA, why, why have I been acting so weird lately? So just not right, you know what I mean, help me I need Mommy and Preston, im anorexic it will fucking kill me, I wanna die DADDY COME BACK BLACK PEOPLE WALKING ON THE SIDE OF THE FREEWAY PULL THE WIRES. Im not
dealing with any people right now just leave me alone, where the hell is my belt so I can self harm, its worse at school too,FUCK THIS IM DONE TAKE ME AWAY BRING ME PAIN WATCH ME BURN... tell me how its supposed to be with no air" "everybody talks everybody talks" goodbye party, invite everyone and mommy + preston. OGI for 14 days, Laundry for 2 days, deep clean for 2 days, flag football for 3 days, phone call for 9 days, IMMA MISS RANCHO DOMACITAS xxGo left outta Oak Grove to go AWOL.you you yes you, laying in the grass sleepin' no no no, happy merry thanksgiving you're an oddball HA HA, its Christmas time, MERRY CHRISTMAS OOPS WRONG HOUSE, only 2 weeks and a day left today is 10/24/2013, you no hes right here right? Bitches in da house say WHAT??? WTF is a yahoo? You know girl, you go girl, lookin cute in dat pokodot bikini GIRL YOU MY NEW OBSESSION ALL I WANT TO DO:c 10/28/2013, head on baby head head head on baby, head on baby head head head on baby, I went to McDonalds got a double cheese burger. 9/10/2013, so mama wait mama? No mama bear TEEHEE who are you to tell me dat? You no nothin' I aint doin' it nomore, uh huh I told ya so, yes look @ me im infront of an autograph, hey girl wazzup?is that me in the corner or is it you my lady, its not it, look UNDER the table, NOT on top, duh you should've known that. But its true, am Bruno is here, no stupid its Bruno MARS, get it thru ya head, yo listen its me, MAMA MAMA HA HA... 9/10/2013 Yup, datz me, hey ya wazzup =P just wanna rock ya girl, so hey whatchu doin OMG what is dis, my boyfriend, nope its not funny, hey girl I wanna stop ya, I don't idolize anerica im dancing with the stars, look up in the sky see me everywhere, everywhere, shining down on me. Were up all night to the sun were up all night to get some were up all night for good fun were up all night to get lucky. Xx YA YA YO AWESOME YA SUP ALICIA? Mmmhmmm uh uh girl no u didn't, ill do it just for you, omg why are you so funny, haha ur so funny, yo crack me up, yup dats me.
Cognitive Disortions (Thinking Errors) Ex. Justyfying: in avoiding responsibility for their behavior a person finds a reason for what they have done. "he yelled at me so I had to hit him" "they all did it so why cant i?"
BLAQOUT STORYTIME OVERxx TBCxx c;
(4) Insanity Becomes Reality c;
_Insanity Becomes Reality.4. My Life Storyxx_Allieverwaz ^.^
--Xoxoxox IMMA Stayinq stronq but
this pain is killin me n eatin me aliveee. Stay true homie xoxoxoX--
~~~~~~~Believe :3 <3333~~~~~~
(Sara Berger/Alisa Alvarez/Gabriella Enriquez)
---NXSP Undone 1&2-----
NXSP Broke Down... Elizabeth Ramos, Johnny betrayed me, 7/13/2012, living life so harshly, spent all my time drunk goin' round partying, cuz I had nothing else to do, that was all I ever wanted, all I ever cared about, but I made a change I turned my life around, I ran home so cold, body was frozen, but there was no one home, they had left but I never got to say goodbye, I ran and ran so far trying to find them, but I didn't have a chance, that's when I had that dream, the dream that changed my life, Constance saved me, again... she took me in, I was scared confused, and cold, Johnny wasn't home, my life is over, he left me, he broke his promise, he said he would always be by my side, raising hell, rebelling, now I cant do any of that shit nomore cuz hes not here to guide me, this is the 2nd time he left, I was 15, he wrote to me, and came back when I was 14, in July of 2012 but now im Elizabeth Ramos, im 17, and Johnnys gone, again.. I knew he would fuck up, I just knew it. Xoxo :( Constance Ramos JJohnny saw Lizohnny left us all, I saw Liz's face, she was crying, more than before, Johnny promised her to come back, he did, but then he left again, me and Liz walked for hours and hours on end, and there he was, killing Presly and Erin side by side, burning them in a fire, Johnny saw Liz after Presly was dead, and after Erin was saved by me, he jumped into the water, and drowned, Liz went after him, but Erin grabbed her, later when Liz fell asleep, Johnny came, and did the same thing with her, whenever shes awake she only see is him when she is anxious or angry, but in visions, and voices, but not in human form, he abused Liz even more... and Constance killed herself, THIS IS ALL TRUE THIS STORY, IS MY LIFE STORY >o>
[[[[ -----Will You Believe Me If I Went Insane? (These are TRUE REAL Stories I had written in CHYC treatment center back in 2012, these are 100% real, about my hallucinations and me going insane, my stories && my raps.) X'd Out Bitchz-----]]]]
7/12/2012, Ronnie Irez, Coded, got in the shower half naked, sat there crying, digging deep into my skin with the blade oh I pressed it against my skin, watching it bleed, the blood rushing down, brings me to my knees, don't feel no pain, but I'm enjoying it, the blood dripping on the floor, but I don't care, just stand there, watch me bleed, at that moment I jumped and hit the ground, no tears came out, oh hell no, I tried to move but I couldn't, I was stuck, this is just payback for my choices, I tried to get up but I couldn't move a muscle, well this is how I am, visions of killing and fighting and burning down this place, so I got up and climbed out the window, I pulled out my gun, pointing it towards my mouth, thinking of death, suicide, ending it all, Johnny's got me now and I'm just fine, I assaulted 5 cops, and I ran, so faraway I couldn't be found, the world is cruel, it's full of pain, all I think about is numb blank fucked up thoughts, that's all I want to do, all I ever wanted, so I pull out the lighter and my cigarretes I smoked until I fainted, getting faded, and it all turned black , oh I'm so sad, so sad, full of pain, now I feel it, now oh I regret it, bye mom bye dad, see you later, oh no . 7/12/2012, fire and flames, last week was the day I did it, now I regret it but I did it, I tried to kill my other, I walked into his room and tried to choke em' watch the satisfaction on my face grow, to see him in pain, to see him suffer like I once did, tried to kill em ' all to take em' where daddy is, so we can all be together, and burn this place on fire, and kill every fool in this damn place, yeah I said it, and I'll do it , hell no bitch yo getting in my face, I'll fuck you up before you can blink, have a nice rest while I knock you out, see you in hell, cuz dats where yo ass is going, can't you hear me? can't you hear my voice or are you just ignoring it . yes you tried but you didn't make it, sorry for your loss but it's not my problem, well goodbye have sweet dreams cuz when you'll wake up it will be dark and empty, burning like my soul, like my heart, like the diamonds in your fire , cuz I'm no liar cuz yo just a fake, the cops are chasing me, you'll never catch me, cuz dats just me. Cold and over, shivering outside , the rain is falling down , try to make it through, oh sorry no I can't, I try to walk my way , but there's nowhere to go, my home is so far away, I'm cold and alone, where are you ? I need you, lead me the way I need to go , oh I need to know , where I am, where I need to go , before I lie here and die, my bodies getting old, I'm just laying here like a stone, bodies tense, muscles to hard to move, can't seem to make it any further , come on, come on , your almost there, you may not realize it , but you go to believe, just a few miles away , yes you got to believe, crawl faster, get up , please, I don't wanna see you so broken, I wanna see you try, climb , run , please please your almost there, don't give up now cuz your getting close, your thinking why try harder? but you've got to before you die and get taken away from me, I've already lost enough, I can't stand losing you, leave me like this, shattered inside , cold inside and out, skin scratched and bruised and bleeding, I'm so cold , can you see through me ? if you can please tell me, why me why now why does it have to be this way , why does it have to end like this? 7/14/2012, see your face, burn down the house, watch it fall, try to stop it but it's no use no more, later that day she burned in a fire, I ran in there, tried to save her, but you know what , she was already dead, the body was turned to ashes, I picked it up trying to bring it back to life , opening eyes like a pleasure, there were red and bloodshot, I had a mental breakdown put it in my trunk, road off the bridge deep into the ocean, we drowned to the bottom, I passed out then I woke up in a hospital bed , body scarred, face burnt, I looked up and there was Constance , I was scared, didn't mean it, I saw your face Constance, please forgive me,it was just a vision, just my mind playing tricks on me , I sorry I was sweating now I got up and slipped and fell when I saw your face, I jumped I was scared oh Erin not now , please not now, I grabbed your body and hid it, JJ killed ya, oh I saw your face , yes i saw your face, it was gone forever. ^.^ Wendy's order, number 5 combo , LOA no ellaway, son of a baconator with French fries and ranch, with Oreo Shake , Artic Circle, Haselberry Cookies and Cream icecream, noodles and company is bomb, @ Carls Jr. I got grilled bacon and cheese and an Oreo Shake . 9/3/2012 My last step, baby it's gonna be okay, don't worry ill be alright, I tried to tell you but you never listened to me I don't care anymore, what you say or what you think, I'm in pain, all over my body, the scars are infected, my life is over, as I inject the last shot of meth, I say goodbye hopeing I would die , die slowly in pain, I light the candles there on fire, I step into the bathtub, water burning, I take my last step in life, I try to cry but it's impossible to me, I'm in so much pain, I can't take it anymore , JJ is after me , trying to kill me, I just want to escape , I'm melting and falling to peices blood all over, ready to die, but then I see you, your face is shocked, you yell and cry, I can't stand to see you hurt, I try to crawl out, but it's to late, body is numb and now all I hear is sirens ringing, your crying, police trying to save my life, I feel so numb, but I don't care, this is the end and now I say, goodbye...xxGotNoPleasurexc no Spring Mountain no Willow Springs, this is the 2nd nite I haven't been home, Band of Horses but I saw Burlesque and Enders Game..sky.why.my.try, voweless words:3smacksmack.hoteljuniors.. MASH. she's about to make a lot of enemies on this unit. Augest 5th - October 20th, I will press charges on you xxRaveClubs, AVONxxfiling a
greivinence. my weekly goal is follow bedtime norms (no maintains, no freezes, no RF's, evidenced by me and staff, my prize is chocolate cream filled donut, and 3 peices of candy. Things I need to dox.x fix and repair myself. print out Bring Me To Life lyrics, read autobiography in CD group, get therapeutic chosen assignment, at the end of therapy session listen to Dreamer by Ozzy Osbourne, Chris from fire, I'll have 60 checks on October 14th I'll be a level 5. cX my contract with Joe is MP3 player with headphones, Artic Circle shake, Asking Alexandria tshirt, 12 donuts, level 5 party with pizza, coke, and root beer floats. no restraints, no bad behaviors ..Coldstone Order, chocolate and Oreo mixed chocolate chips, recess, Oreos. deuces bitches ^.^
__[[[Adolescent Daily Program.]]]__
7:15 am. breakfast , vidals, weights
8:00 am. room check
9:00 am. school/ goals group
11:30 am. lunch
12:00 am. visiting/phone hours
1:00 pm. PAWS/Goal Work
insight/self esteem/focus/relaxation/nutrition/OT
2:00 pm. Insight Occupational Therapy / social skills/ substance abuse/ focus
3:00 pm. snack/room check
3:30 pm. Insight/Coping Skills
4:00 pm. Journaling
5:00 pm. Dinner
5:30-7:00 pm. Phone time
6:00 pm. visiting
7:00 pm. gym/movie
8:00 pm. wrap-up group
9:00 pm. bedtime
10:00 pm. LIGHTS OUT -.-
Unit 400 A Rules.
Unit: be respectful to staff and peers, no wandering in the hall without permission , no yelling, do not touch peers, do not share belongings, do not write or destroy hospital property, do not go in other patients rooms, return contraband items after use of them , only one person in the bathroom at a time, ask staff to wash clothes when needed, complete assigned daily goal work to earn privileges , respect your peers possessions, follow staff derections.
Group: all info discussed is to remain confidential , do not interrupt group leaders, use bathroom before the start of group, do not rock in chairs or put feet on chairs, no glorifying negative behaviors, raise your
hand if you have a question, be respectful to peers and staff, no cross talking, bring your point sheet, focus on your own treatment, use positive language .
Cafe: must be here 24 hours with good behavior and points earned to have this priveledge , dessert will only be available for dinner, follow staff direction or you will be brought back to the unit and lose privileges , do not talk in hallways while walking to the cafe' , remain in a single filed line at all times , no wandering , do not bring up food for another patient.
Point Sheet: always bring point sheet to group, must participate appropriately to receive full points , attend entire group to receive full points, 130 points can be earned in one day, based on behavior and points earned you may earn cafe ' and gym privileges, give your point sheet to BCA staff to get unit points, be responsible with your point sheet do not lose it.
the unit rules doe, dis is what the hospital is like , now get the fuck out ^.^
-Defacy Defaults.Pain Changez Peplee :( xxxxx-
(((((My Life in May && June, mental problems and my diary c; --))))
Drained as fuck I hope they don't take me away again, I've been 5 years in treatment. They can't do this :( I'm praying right now <3 ✌️💖💔💯👊🙈 On my way to go see my CPS workers 🙊🙈❤️👊💔
Hope I don't get taken away again :( I've been going insane and being bad and not behaving for 5 years, IMMA crazy one, but I deserve being with my mom, not locked away, even if I've gone crazy; one of the most craziest teenagers, if they take me away id go physco on a bitch and kill em, u no not to mess with my crazy ass, cuz I'm physco and done some bad shit, I'm not mentally stable but I need a home , bitch don't play 😂💯💔❤️✌️ {{{-6/5/2015 3 hour visit with CPS-}}} Some notes that we wrote about my treatment progress && basically me && my illness :)
Just notes about me like a therapist, cop, nurse, staff, hospital, residential, CPS, treatment center or mental health workers write down, I helped them with it. XD
I'm insane af' but atleast I'm going to UCI in a couple weeks to get treatment, to cure my physco mental ass lol 😂😂😂
There gonna call Medi-Cal && try to get me admitted after Monday, so I can recover, not go crazy && have an episode or do bad shit, I have one more chance in treatment, so IMMA make this last. Cx <3 I've been to 85 mental hospitals && gone crazy for 5 years, this hospital is the LAST chance I get to recover :) stay strong, I might be leaving soon for a couple of months until I get stable , love you bitches 💋🙊💯💔✌️👊😘
In the ER cuz I had severe pain and my mom called 911 to send an ambulance, it's 8:24 pm, and I'm being seen for severe abdominal pain that's gonna turn into me having an episode, no mental hospital for me, im all good 👌🏼🙊😘😄-at Parkview Community Hospital
Getting admitted into fucking Parkview Hospital cuz I'm in severe pain, plus I'm having an physcotic episode so it turned into severe pain and slow breatheing , about to pass out, losing all sanity I'm so physcally sick it's making me go crazy and messing with my brain, it's making me have a physcotic episode but I'm not gonna show it or act out cuz I'm not going to the mental hospital for the 86th time, I'm already physco enough, anyway my mom had to call 911 cuz I was screaming cuz I was physcically sick mainly in my stomach, feels like a pregnancy but I'm not pregnant, I feel so unstable right now physcically and mentally , I hate hospitals cuz I've had bad experiences in them cuz I was crazy or sick, ER or mental or regular hospital, smells like ETS in here, my moms on her way, my stomach hurts so bad it won't stop its all over plus my ass hurts and it feels like a brick is smashing my stomach, I got my iPod on me right now, I'm still in the gurney in Parkview, it's taking awhile to admit, it's busy today, I'm about to have an episode a mental one cuz I'm so physcically sick that it makes me mentally sick as well, bitches be takin the lameass time, shit I've been in here unstable and in the ER, and I know the nurses are busy and all but they don't give a shit, I'm in pain, it's 7:06 pm on 6/5/2015, I'm at Parkview hospital, I'm ok well not really but I'll be fine, no I won't, I gotta go goodbye....
I wrote Justino a heartfelt letter really deep and caring and he liked it ALOT he felt happy and sad and very loved, he appreciated it and he doesn't know what to say cuz of how deep it was it probly got deep into his feelings, he knows I cares.
Students run everyday, students run every day aye
My brain Is moosh very noisy
Delgadi likes me has a crush on me, can u keep a secret? Singing and being hyper
Omar said sorry for ignoring me
Me and Omar talked about us being bad and hospitals and jail, mental crazy people, don't u know I'm crazy Imma smoke a big fat blunt, Imma put a show on for you. Me and Omar talked were friends again laughed talked about crazy shit, fukkkk school
Justin loved my letter he gave me a hug and said my letter was sweet and awesome
Get ALOT of chocolate fudge brownie dreyers ice-cream, put ALOT of hershy chocolate syrup all over, put alot but not to much (medium sized to fit the top of the bowl) whip cream around the top so it mixes in, then put more chocolate drizzle but not as much as on the ice-cream ,
Doesnt wanna feel weird around me, , talk all the time on FaceBook, personal 1:1, didn't wanna feel weird
Hangsout With me always excited to see me,
always so sweet and helping me
This guy in my class Flirts With me talks to me follows me
Degaldi gave me a hug
Always by siliva
Degaldi Keeps saying wazzup to me
Talks to me ALOT and flirts
I don't feel good ✌️🙈 its 10:00 pm and I feel out of it idk it's just weird, lol I feel so weird it's wired different, happy idiot, with my new hallucination Van Doran, I can't do it no more goodnight 😂 her e goes the emojis lmfao I need to go to sleep before I have an episode, wow sittin in the chair no no no hospital, outta reality, need to go to sleep, sorry. Love u mommy
-Weird At Niqht c:::: .-. Xoxox xixo ---
🙊🙈✌️✌️✌️💖
❤️❤️❤️💋Darlinq c; 🙊💕
By me Sara/Alisa 11:17 pm
Isn't it weird how when you stay up past midnight, everything gets weird and creepy cuz ur brain shuts down, like TV is different and reality seems different? Right now there this guy moaning on TV 😂😂😂😂😂 TAKE Me T9 THE HOSPITAL lmfao this guy is funny on the second floor 💞💔😍👊 Don't you hate when most of the people you had, leave you... ?❤️
-6/2/2015 @ 3:40 pm. How to do my hair perfectly- Brush hair down with big brush into a side ponytail to the left, left head up and look into the mirror and position it not to high not to low, normal bun position, then pull it very tight into a ponytail a and tigh tight for each twist , then hold ponytail and put sock bun into it, take big brush and cover hair all over the bun so nothing is showing , cover it like mommy does it, all the way, like a palm tree and make it poofy, then take another hair tie and snap it down tightly getting all the hair so make the ponytail big when you pull it down on your hair, make it tight. Then take big brush and pull out side bangs, brush bangs to the right and pull them out little by little until it has a small size bang , then brush a little out to the left, not as much as the right, there's your sock bun 🙊😍👌💋
-this is how you do my hair, Sara-
----How I take a shower perfectly 🙈 6/2/2015 ----
Get in the shower get my body and hair wet, then step out of the water and scrub your hair with a couple drops of shampoo until it's in the middle of your hand, then bend over and scrub it into your hair all over like into the scalp, get it all over your hair, like at the hair dressers scrub really good , do that for 1 minute, then go into the water and wash it out while bending over and scrubbing really good to get it out, then get another medium size amount of shampoo and scrub it into your hair real good all over really good make sure to get all your hair, do that for 1 minute, then wash it out again, put conditioner in your hair while out of the water, scrub it real good all over but leave it in your hair, do that 4 times while smoothing out your hair but put it all over your hair until your whole head is covered , bend over while your smoothing it all over your hair, get it deep into your scalp to, leave it in your hair and don't get into the water, take the bar of soap and run it under the water then take the wash cloth and wet it, then scrub the wash cloth with the wet soap and scrub your arms and your body, but for each part re adding soap to it, scrub real hard and make sure to get all over your body, do that 3 times for each body part but scrub it real good, wait 1 minute, then get back into the water and wash out the conditioner and the body wash, still scrubbing your hair under the water and your body, until your hair is nice and smoothe, then step out and wash the rest of your body, then rinse and get out of the shower, dry off real well, hang towel up and put on deodorant and your clothes, then make sure clothes are straight and lined up with your belly button and your waist, then brush hair however you want and pick everything up then jump into bed.
BOOM 💯💋🙊🙈💕
[[[[Stick Through Itttt, written in Loma Linda BMC 2014, real storiiii]]]]
4/13/2014, Stuff happens you gotta stick through it xD ugly, worthless, bitch, fat, slut, fuck up, SHUT THE FUCK UP NO YOUR NOT. my scars tell a story, 2 step 2 step 2 step, love fresh, fuck this shit, it's my life,0.0 sometimes when this room seems kinda empty , sound of your breath fades with the light, under the Milky Way tonight. supertortillachips.tumblr.com, fuck the haters -.- haters make me famous =) my dream is to fly over the rainbow, so high, rise up, no falling down again. 1,3.2.5.4.8.7 are you ready for this?? dis is me forsho, kamukura izuru naruto sailor moon bleach, high school of the dead .-. behavioral medicine center youth services, Brandon Trinidad + Celese Jazmin Carlosee. the help for a lifetime. what a beautiful day isn't it ? hey you hey girl , ok first of all I need a Bible to do this , HELLO ? I love you Tji Tji, cha cha cha chia. 4/12/2014, Under The Wind, help me please, save me please , all the times all the memories now it's all turned into pain , deep pain, pain so deep the sun can't shine while I'm awake, pain so hard, I can't feel it, cuz I'm to numb , to numb to feel, think , eat, I just cut , you know why? cuz I know everyone I have fucks me over, bad, and they don't know how I feel and never will, help me, help me , make the flowers blossom in my black heart, a heart filled with sorrow, hurt, crazy, mental, like when you try to freeze fire with ice you know what happens right? you fall so long you don't know your falling, I can't control me, myself, and I. you know I ask why me why not why now, I call but he doesn't answer, I call again, he doesn't answer, cuz I'm me, you know who I am, no you don't cuz you'll never know, you know why cuz you don't understand and never will, cuz I'm a box, a shattered box with no windows and there so hard to open, no one cares and Johnny oh don't start I try living my life all happy and I just break, outside I act like I'm fine, all strong and tough, stronger then I really am, but inside I'm just done for many reasons and I did everything in my power to stop, stop everything and I can't, try to get in my mental state cuz I'm mentally 9 with a bad past and a bad future, I have every single problem there is in the mental system, I'm a crazy a crazy, I know I shouldn't put me down, but when I put me up everyone laughs thinking "she can't do shit, cuz she's mentally crazy" well fuck off, yes you, my life is living hell with possessing hallucinations, he is like me, he killed him he did, oh it's like the wind, it blows trying to stay strong, oh help me oh help me, please I just need someone, my arm bleeds but look who's calling me, guess who answered ? no one, it's like the sunrise it comes and it goes, it stays then it leaves cuz of life's shit, it gives you nothing, you try to make the best of it, but hey, what can you do? I'm crazy,
fuck it I'm crazy , I'm scared, hurt, and different, but maybe different Is a good thing, no it's not, just like the wind, it blows it blows in your face, and your face can't take it cuz it's not just your face, it's you, inside and outside, I'm just done, when one bad thing happens , everything gets fucked, and that's how it is, I love you dad, come back, please your the only one that can make the shit stop, life is in open door , and you work through it and then you stop, when you stop, as they say shit happens. life gives me hell and I get violent, I've never told anyone why, I just do, I hate me, I cut cuz I don't care , get it through your head when I commit suicide no one will care they'll laugh and say, "hey the physco bitch is dead" I know you don't care I don't take my meds, cuz I'm done and dad why did you do this to me, why I didn't do nothin to you and you scared me, that you bribed me with taking me out every week, convered up all the bullshit lies, from you damaging me mentally, be a better sister, a better daughter, but you don't believe in me every single person has given up on me, for no good reason, am I that crazy ? bitch please, and Johnny why did you abuse us, try to kill us, tell me I'm worthless, fat, ugly, tell me to take the pills, nothings the same anymore, no ones the same, I don't feel the same I don't feel safe , I feel trapped inside the dark, save me, help me , make the wind blow in the right direction, that will save me from all this shit and I want everyone that's hearing this I care, I really do, if you think no one does, that's not true cuz I do, I deeply do I want to fix your pain , don't do any of the stuff I do , don't be like me, guess what you'll end up stuck in this spot like me, I want you to have a good life cuz your amazing and beautiful people, my life is over, I have so much racing through my head, I can't function like non functionality, the yes the no the maybe the who am I? I need you the hey I need help, don't lose yourself like me, fuck you for all you've done to me, save me take me to Heaven I tried God but he's not home but I'm not giving up, IMMA take the pills to make everything better, I'm sorry for not being the daughter you want, what am I who am I, what am I inside , different , that's what, darkness, so much treatment the why the hey sorry the hallucinations are worse my eyes see how I'm ready to live or die I can't make the choice it's one or another well looks like I'm done bye. drawing pictures while you trash your room , punching holes, abusing myself till I bleed , ruining everything you touch , like the green thumb, yo wind come breeze me? wash me away, nice bath nice music, anxious and manic maybe or yes I'm depressed, crazy , numb and angry, getting violent, kill me in my sleep tonight, NO, save me someone please, I've found the key to my broken heart, I'm lost , broken, shattered, well dats me u.u dance like the wind, can someone mend my broken heart and I'll give you my heart in return. stay strong cuz ily (: stay beautiful keep going nomatter how hard , don't stop cuz your worth it. life is an open door all you do is find the hidden key then unlock yourself and show people the world. you broke me and there's nothing you can do to fix it. be happy and ignore the bullshit , open your eyes and love what you've got. love is painful but you gotta stick through it , forget what you got and love what you have . #1 in my books. when time runs out it's over for good, you take it while you have it, don't waste it on stupid shit. music is life , pray. life is a gift from God. tbh it's almost the end -.- 4/12/2014.. why trust why care why all why none when you try to be happy people push you away, when you express yourself things turn for the worst when you cry no one comes to tap you on the shoulder and say "hey are you alright?" no none of that happens no more when JJ tells me to take the pills I do and I tell Good Daddy and Bad Daddy to tell him to fuck off, when I tried to kill myself Daddy came to me and stopped me , if it wasn't for mommy and daddy I would be dead and crazier than I am now, I went totally physco but he's always there watching over me, I pray to God to Jesus to save me from his evil wrath, why me, why can't I be normal , why, answer me, I'm just the freak that keeps going
backwards in the wrong direction with no one to tell me right or wrong. going back to treatment all the fucking time I can't help it cuz I am who I am you can't make me change only I can, cuz your not me, I'm me, your you so let's keep it that way, be real, don't lie , don't cheat, be afraid , cry let it out, don't be a fake bitch, seriously keep it real, one day someone will ask me if I'm okay. z.z so please keep things straight cx yup yup yup kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep, skinny bone jones lmfao cuz snitches be snitchen, haters gonna hate . as the sky falls down you hear the crying of the people but you just stand there like an idiot and don't do shit, fuck it I'm crazy, shit, all I am defines me crazy, but when I think I'm not I get crazier when I tell myself "I'm mentally ill" I become manic, extremely real bad, let it blossom O.O when I cry for help every single person just acts like no one said a word , "I'm sorry I cant understand , do you wanna go back into fucking treatment , i know you do, you love it there, you like the attention, you love being the mental fuck up you are, so fake you think your real I loved what I have people took away all I've got, me, the whole half of me is just not there anymore, cuz when you died daddy shit happened , shit changed , don't do it at my worst point, can't you see I'm scared, alone, upset, no you can't, open your fucking ears, as for the cops I can't count how many times they've arrested me and took me down , alright guys, I'm through, through with it all, maybe JJ can take me to The Ends , so I don't do no more physco shit, or live my life the wrong way , bustin' dat door open, to find the tools , the wires, the poison, the knives, the razors, the glass and my cigarretes , so now you see who I am, it's not what I wanted , trust me, cuz if I wanted this then why am I suicidal, everyone hating on me for no good reason, answer that, well well well if you save me , if you really could, would you ? or would you watch my die tonight , that's what I want, knock me out and kill me , it's what I want, is it what you want, huh bitch? >.< eat my pain away, snort the pills , smoke, cut, fight you know it , refuse my meds everyone I have leaves, or turns out for the worst, why can't anyone love me? as I punch myself and cry, sit listen and watch. am I that worthless? so I fight back harder, fight for my life try to kill them to see daddy in Heaven , refuse my meds so I go crazy , basically I've taken every single fucking med in the book, imagine the whole world against you, put yourself in my shoes, I'm far from perfect, imagine being a fuck up, imagine a shitty life. TOmakeMANwhole:3 imagine yourself getting better, staying strong and happy and making it through , I tried and now I'm giving up, I hate you I love you idk whatever . when you died my life went to stone, my whole world went black , well that's me for now, taking the pills one by one, 57 abilify. oh yeah xx I'm staying strong and living my life :) two skies and one moonxP hey Jhi Jhi, cray cray every day day, Erico , Kiate. it's my life I ain't happy I'm feeling glad I got sunshine inna bag -.-live.like.real.4/21/2014 still in the hospital.-. Scared:P you know how I love how I try how I gave up then got back up on my feet again, that's how life is, you fuck up then you shake it off, and make it up , you just gotta know there's people watching, checking on you, praying for you, loving you, you just don't see it cuz your to blind to see, I'm be real life is full of shit, you just gotta deal with it, ignore it cuz as they say , shit happens, it does really , you can't deny it, are yo blind? you can't see what's ahead of you, your to busy worrying about the past and what "did" happen , no you have to stay in the present in the now , not in the then. well dats it , that's my life, so we all just walk away ^.^
{{{{-Mamma & Daughter---}}}}
(((Our story(; && our poems c;
All combined into one story c: ^.* ^.^
I'll keep you updating on this status, so don't look around my profile, look on this status && in my life story)))
STORY #1 "How My Mom Met My Dad"(Mommy's Story)
I was hired Into the information data department, and he walked in to my office during break, flirting , and cracking jokes, in her big office, October 1979, and we became good friends , office buddies, went to lunch together and break together and eventually he became my supervisor on my next project because I refused to type a memo for him and so I then I ended up having to report to him on the next project which was the company wide word processing project for all secretaries at TRW. We then trained everyone at the company, which involved lots of overtime weekends nights and we became closer and closer and we fell in love. Our first date was in November 1997, we celebrated the project rolling out in November , and then 6 months after we met we actually first dated and kissed we waited a good 6 months. We went out dancing and drinking , it was really a popular place, we went to a club, we got a book of matches with the place stamped on there, Billie Jeans, we got dinner, and we made out in our car, and then we went home, daddy took me home. The end
STORY #2 "My Moms First Born Baby, Sara" (Mommy's Story)
In order for me to get pregnant, I had to do IVF which intailed going to my Inferitality specialist in San Fernando Valley in 1997, and I had to have lots of hormone shots to get the uterus ready, to make lots of eggs, as so that the sperm can fertilize lots of eggs, they put them back in after they have divided 32 times perfectly, and they asked me how many do u want? I said all of them, I said put them all back in Cuz only ones gonna take. They do not want anyone as small as you are to carry anymore then 3 babies, then they. Would want to do Sellective Reduction, they would go in and kill some of the embryos , when they said now you will have to go back home because they put them all in, 6 made it, I went home, they said put your feet up for 4 days, I laid up in bed for 7, and I only got up to use the restroom , daddy made me breakfast before he went to work, packed me a cold lunch in the cooler I had a bedroom downstairs with a TV, and bathroom was across the bedroom, she didn't move all 7 days and nights, and then they said in 2 weeks I had to get up and go to the nearest laboratory to get my blood drawn in 10 days, and then I had to wait for a phone call to see if I was pregnant, so I went to Lori's on day 14 to have my finger nails done, while I'm having my nails done , Patty at the Doctors Office calls daddy, he calls Lori, Lori answers the phone, my nails are wet, Lori hands me the phone, Patty tells me IM PREGNANT! Lori and I are screaming and daddy screaming, every bodies screaming, daddy's screaming he didn't know, everyone knew at once. Now in 2 days you have to come up and do a Sonogram on the tummy, the baby looked like a little fishy, polowog, i became pregnant with my daughter Sara, me and daddy were thinking about names for awhile, I was gonna be Savannah Belle, Sara Nikki or Sara Nicole, Daddy toward the end said lets name her after your mom , and I picked the middle name out after Nicole Brown Simpson. And then I got bigger and bigger I looked like an elephant , and then at 41 weeks when I would not come out of my stomach, I liked it in there I wanted to stay i liked mommy. We did induced labor and then we had to have a C Section Cuz my head was to big, and then I was 9 pounds 12 ounces, mommy thought I was a bowling ball, it was an ouie! We got to stay in the hospital 9 days, cuz I Mommy's c section got an infection so we vacationed at the hospital, but daddy brought us all kinds of good food, he brought us Watermelon , and Chili's , blooming onion, hamburger, French fries, anytime anybody walked by my room they could smell it they came in to see if they could eat, what did your husband bring today? He brought big bags of food everyday. Everyday he bought me something from takeout, it was wonderful. I had nacho chips and salsa, queen for a day everyday. On the 9th day they let me take me home. They said goodbye good luck and take the food home to and as a joke stop bringing the food in, they had a little refrigerator in the room why else wouldn't we have food, daddy brought me Starbucks, I had everything , I was home when my newborn baby Sara Nicole Berger, welcome home and we were happy. We were a little family. The End.
STORY #3 "Rascal/Rascoi, Therapy Dog" (Sara's Story)
I have a therapy dog named Rascal but I gave him the nick name Rascoi. Lol, he became my therapy dog , he helped me when I was sad, anxious, hurting, he would tell when I was upset, he would kiss me for 2 hours and cuddle with me, he had a 6th sense so he knows me pretty well, we had him for 12 years. One thanksgiving when I was 5 my dad brought 2 puppies home from an apartment in Pamona , Pasadena. I came home and I found 2 black puppies in the kitchen, I was scared at first, finally when my father died and I started having issues and problems, he needed to take care of me, he's been obsessed with me and I've been obsessed with him, I always suck on his nose and let him Lexi me, he always been helpful to me at all times, he kisses me and cuddles and whines , he basically takes care of me until I feel better. Dr Lee officially made him a therapy dog, he is truly obsessed with me, I'm his human his master , he's literally so obsessed with me that he never leaves my side not even when I'm sleeping. I don't know what I would do without my Puppoi , he's my life, my obsession, I'm so glad God put him into the world to take care of me, I love you Rascal Puppoi <3 the end
STORY #4 "If I Could See Why" (Sara's Story)
I could eat till its full,
till my mouth runs dry,
until you open that door
and see me on the floor,
throw away yesterday,
make today a new day,
Stomach full
until the seasons over, till the blood runs over,
I see the sparkle in your eyes,
when ur sound asleep,
when I watch over you,
my little baby angel,
don't walk away,
2 more seasons till its over,
until I collapse,
I see it when I'm asleep
and I see it when I'm awake.
I eat these berries
Purple and blue
What color do u see?
It doesn't matter
These berries numb the pain in my body
Helps me remain functional
I can eat till I get fat
Two crackers in my mouth
My hands are tired
Eyes watery and the water glass
It's on the other side of the table
Tried to play pretend
Down in the deep end
I find it hard to see
Your head so low
Your heart so cold
Your hands all tired
Your eyes drained
The berries are on the counter
Did it run to deep?
Keeping them close
I Sit down thinking
Can I fall any deeper
Maybe I should throw them away
I can't eat till I get fat
I can't taste my tastebuds
Underneath my shell
Underneath my darkness
I can still taste
But do I still tell you
In paradise
It's daylight, was I wrong
I'm shivering
Fall into my arms
Into the sky
I can fall deeper
I ask myself
Was it worth it
I need you and I remember now
It's time to throw it away
Seasons pass by
Summertime
But now I can see
The sun isn't the reason I burned
The reason I broke
The reason I fell down
The sun shines everyday
Wash the pain away
Making mistakes day by day
Eat till I get fat, then I remember
What you said
Was it all worth it?
I remember now
Noones perfect.
The end <3
STORY #5 "Mr Mickey" (Sara&&Mommy's Story)
I'm sorry my dear, mr Mickey has to go, Your so much trouble mr Mickey
Impossible to train
Mr Mickey we gave you all we've got but I know it will hurt you, to let me Mickey go, we've tried so hard to let mr Mickey stay, I know it will break your heart, to see him go away, I'm sorry we can't live like this anymore, mr Mickey needs a home, mr Mickey belongs somewhere else, maybe someone else could love you more, and become a better master then I was, mr Mickey we loved you dearly, but you gotta go, u showed us love and care, but your too much trouble mr Mickey , we have to let you go, it's almost been a year, and I don't know what else to do, I've loved you with all I've had, and I have no more time left , we'll re to find you a home, a family, I'm sorry mr Mickey it didn't work out as planned, and I know it's not your fault mr Mickey, it's mine, but your too much trouble mr Mickey, your tearing us apart, maybe someone else could do a better job, with more love, time, and patience then I, I cry for you mr Mickey, it's sad and lonely, to bring an animal like you mr Mickey into our home and make you a part of our family and have to let you go, we will miss you mr Mickey, I know it's not your fault, you showed love and care but you are to much trouble, your tearing us apart and I know it's not your fault, our home will be lonely without you mr Mickey,, but Gods plan is better for you, I'm sorry mr Mickey i know it will hurt but mr Mickey , we have to let you go. The end
STORY #6 "My Tears Have A Meaning, I Can See You When Your Sleeping" (Sara's Story)
So you don't worry bout me at all?, so you don't get what I have is an empty peice of darkness? When you look into my eyes you see there's nothing inside, try to hold back my tears.
I've been very off today, I pretend to be happy, "hi Ms Teresa what are you doing, can I stand next to you?" "Ms Lisa can we take a walk, I don't know why I'm sad but I'll be happy for you." You see me acting all hyper and happy but behind it all I'm hurting, but I act like I'm fine hyper and having a good day, but you can see something's not right, something's different about me, something's wrong, you can see right through me,
I just go on with my day in my normal routine acting all hyper, I sing to myself very quiet, I pace around, and I act different, or tapping on the table, having a normal conversation with you, acting happy walking in all talking and joking around, you think I'm having a good day , I'm having a normal conversation like I always do, but you can see something different, you ask if I'm okay, but you know something's wrong, cuz you can see right through me, I fake it all day most days, but if you know me, you can tell when I'm out of it, are u ok nope.
I can't explain what's going on in my head my mind my body , all over me, it's to severe and hard to explain cuz I'm to broken, and it's so deep it's impossible to explain, no one understands but you. You see the hut in my eyes, you can see right through me, you see me acting strange, but you don't know why, my voice changes and cracks, but you know I'm not okay , you can tell , if you see the signs in me that something's wrong well in everybody, I try to fight it but I can't, so I start losing it, I know something's wrong and you know something's wrong but neither of us show it.
But the pain is so strong, I push that aside but i dont know why, I let it out by going into a deep dark state, by going crazy and acting out, but you still don't know why, what's behind my smile and my hyperness, but you still don't know why, what's wrong or the reason I'm acting so abnormal? Just ask me a question, you'll see what I mean, you see I answer fake, you can tell cuz you see right through me.
I try to buy happy, I try to lie sadness, digging deeper, my breatheing is getting stronger and getting deeper, then it's getting shorter, you still don't know why, I'm holding it all in , my tears and my hurt, it's so severe that I get physically sick and numb, there's rushes of emotions , I feel so so mentally sick in a physcotic state of mind, sick I have to hold myself back from going crazy , I try to act normal , act happy and hold back my tears, but they soon come rushing out. Is it true that i don't know you like we do?
Mysteries come in many shapes and sizes.
But $20 dollars is not enough
I try to buy love with my mind
And buy time with an open mind
And try to build walls around myself
I can see you when your sleeping
Try to wake up but you can't save yourself
But it goes right through you
You see how drained you looked
You see the rush of pain and darkness that she's been talking about
The she's been trying to explain
But goes insane cuz it's so difficult to live and impossible to express
Impossible to talk to hold to hide
Impossible to live with and impossible to not go insane while it's tearing her apart
Impossible to not go insane
And impossible to explain
Cuz it's to severe
To complicated
To deep down into darkness
And mind breaking
To impossible to explain
Cuz you can't explain it
Only you know how it feels in your head
Cuz you can't see it on the outside
Your minds a constant war
Your mind is to insane
Her mind is so distached and
Her mind is to destroyed
But you can see right through her
How deeply sick she looks
How much she's lost
To many scars but it's a mystery
But $20 dollars is not enough
I buy my pain away with happy
I buy my hurt and pain away with anger
I see myself sleeping soundly
But different colors start appearing
You try to warn yourself, not to do it
Wake up Sara, wake up!
But the next day she does it
To wash her pain and insanity away
Mysteries come in many shapes and sizes
But there's a reason inside
To keep your heart alive
Why your still breathing
Love comes in many forms
But the mystery is ours
Grinding and blinding yourself
From our destructive reality
Don't buy it away with happy
Turn the switch on
Turn the switch off
Wake up and tune back in
From the destroyed broken part of you
And live in reality
Buy it away by living happy
Not by changing yourself in order not to go insane
Don't buy your happy with sickness
Buy your happy away by living
Live happy
Not all the time
But don't buy your happy with things that destroy you
Don't be happy when your not
But live happy don't buy it away
I see myself sleeping
With no sad thought cross my mind
The end.
STORY #7 "Don't Make Me Sleepy, Into Insanity "5/28/2015, 2:00 am, @ Canyon Ridge Mental Hospital"
(Sara's Story)
Do you wanna talk to Bob Marley? Do the honors and pull my pants down, oops I meant pull my pants up. 😂😂😂 Hector wasn't happy I was on special program or I was leaving.
Hello class today we're gonna learn our. Times tables *flips teacher off* your such an ass.
Is Oswald there ?
*peeps out the doorway* I'm gonna be a stalker and whisper "Waldo" to everyone that walks by.
*in the bathroom on stall* is this Jake from State Farm?
*calls a stranger on the phone* hello is this the Crusty Krab?
I'm overtired cuz got back from an physcotic episode now I'm drained, I'm gonna be twice as drunk, I can draw Mother Spoon.
Mother Spoon, Bear Paw, flying orange spinning cones, different color floating dots in a line, triangles circles and squares.
-hallucinations-
Lily Flame-say out loud voices and bedtime hallucinations , random conversations, no bed sleep or goodnight
Elizabeth Ramos-alter personalities , possessed out of reality hallucination
Johnny JJ Garcia-possesses, master , raises hell.
Erin Ramos-autistic little dysfunctional and low functioning 7 year old.
Jym Unknown-takes over me and won't leave me alone
Charlotte McMann-new person to enter NXSP, taking fromNXSP, owner of The Ends
Bad && Good Daddy-versions if dead father
Objects-bear paw, rag doll , squares circles cones, mother spoon (all random shapes
Duplicates-different versions of people/things
Constance Ramos-guardian, sings and comforts me, my sister
Sleeping Madness-makes me have physcotic episodes and gives me nightmares
Silent Insanity-people destroying me
Mr Raqqy-objects in closed eyes hallucinations
Dancing Happy-out of reality take over
----- Physcotic episode, almost called the cops, out of body experience, out of reality, homoscidal, suicidal, tried to take pills, depressed, anxiety, silent insanity, losing it and losing control, hallucinations , losing it, mental break, advance directed , sign yourself away, Mark the have not boxes, and sign the yellow please, what does this say? Friday night <3 2:00 am at Canyon a Ridge admitting room, 5/28/2015 UNIT 1 <3 immortals, fall out boy, big hero 6, INSEST INSEST! *yell real loud*
Free hugs free hugs!
Hector , I'm waiting. *lays on bed all sexy* I am dead inside, break me down, make me cry. You got game you got game , you got nothing else to lose, let me pray oh let me pray, baby put the past away, yeah put the past away, yeah you see yeah you see, you got nothing else to lose, play my game play my game , something like its Etstasy, see what you do to me, I've got nothing else to lose, you got something let me use, my past was dark and traumatized, bad life bad life, gone crazy and insane, I got nothing else to lose, you see what you do to me?
Buzzed asf' at 12:11 am 👌😍💯😂
I'm going to town
I'm going to town
Sry got2 go
I'm going titian
Sara go to sleep
Still goin to town
Break me something else
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂👌❤️
Beeeeeerrrrr hahaha, get outta here, I out of it is she alright, no your not going to town
I stole sips of my homies beer but I told mama 🙊💞😍❤️💋
Don't leave out your beer , Sara's coming 😂😂😂😂😂
#onmysleepers
#goijgtotown
#eyesareclosed
I smacked it by accident
I'm on my pill plus I'm tipsy so yookoooooohooooo 💋💋💋💋💋💋
I remember at Copper Hills Youth Center, on Saturday night me and my roommates were in our room and Derrick put the unit radio in the center of the unit and turned on Saturday Night Slow Jams all night, it was a privledge, only if we followed unit rules and everyone was a level 2 💋💋💋👌 after late night on the emeralds unit if you didn't go to the CD lounge, you would stay back on the unit and listen to the radio, Derrick was chill 💕😚🙈🙊❤️-listening to Saturday Night Slow Jams (radio station)
Hector was guarding me like he really likes and cares for me, he was staring at me with love and care but not anyone else, my mom saw him flirt with me like awww it was so cute like a puppy dog or a big teddy bear, he seems uneasy around me my mom noticed all the signs, he kept being protective over me but he was sad he didn't no what to do with himself and he liked me so much that he was so protective and liked me a lot but he would lose his job so he couldn't do anything with me, he likes me a lot but he can't show it he has to be professional.
It's 1:14 am and I'm delusional as fuck, not gonna act out but I gotta take my medicine na na na goodnight 👌🙈😁💕❤️ I feel so out of it but I like to help people out , I know your going thru some things 😍💯😙🎶
It's 2:38 am 🙈🙊💞❤️😍😘
Goinnn silently insane. Cx :c <3 cantttt sleeepppp, omfg .-. I might pull an allnighter but IMMA bout to lose it all 💯💕😘💋
You got me playin' yo game
But it's 6/2/2015. I'm gonna go Crazii asf' && sometimes I can't feel, but thru all that pain , you gotta be stronq.c: you no why?
Cuz I've been through it all, all the trauma, done all the crazy illegal shit, had a hard life && struggles, behavior issues, one of the craziest but also one of the realist, cuz I've been through it all, I can help u <3333 cuz I care, so stfu && go to sleep .-. <3 "when you've been broken and damaged yo whole life, you figure out how the game is played" 💯❤️💖🙏🙏🙏
Goodnight c; awww shit now it's 2:45 am hahahaha hardy harr harr 😂😂😂😂😂
-thinkin' back to an old memory
By me, Sara Berger/alisa Alvarez-
<3333
Thinkin back to my old life
The music reminds me of the texture of a memory
I wish I had that old life back
Where I was having a happy time
A texture of a memory
For sure it's real
Thinkin' back to my old life
An old memory
Just one song can bring back a thousand memories
But it makes me sad and it makes me cry
I remember a texture of many memories
Just one song can bring back many memories
I remember it in detail
The texture of that one memory
Makes me laugh but at the same time it makes me cry
The texture of a memory...
That's nasty , that's not a way to impress girls just wanna act all cool and shit and act like wannabe gangsters 💯👌😂
Like I've been on the streets, they'd all be running like little pussies don't act gangster if u don't wanna be perceived as one, cuz those little hood rats don't know shit
They would've last a second in the hood, half them can't even fight
I don't feel a damn thing,
Naw not a damn thing
So IMMA touch you IMMA touch you
No no I still can't feel a damn thing
---Got Them Down When All Was Faded---
By me Sara @ 11:04 pm 6/2/2015---- ✌️😘😊❤️💋💕😍
When all you had fades away, like a broken && damaged reality, I was broken and damaged as well, but my smiles hides it, fake a smile everyday to hideaway the pain, dreams become reality and reality breaks you, people fake you, you lose yourself and then you see yourself fading away, reality your not tuned in, we're all in this together, everything I had faded away, cuz I lost myself, and now I'm tuned back in to reality... -by me Sara/Alisa ❤️🙈💔👊😘🙊🙏
Chilling in the car with my mama Marcia Berger, driving around && listening to music && driving around McKinley, exploring the place before we went to CTS for therapy 🙈💯🙊💕 I look fuckin' dope today 😂😍😁✌️-at McKinley && Griffin
❤️❤️❤️💋Darlinq c; 🙊💕
By me Sara/Alisa 11:17 pm
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Remember me darling
I held your hand
I loved you hard
I can't remember
How it was
Or when it was
2 years ago
I was broken slow
I remember you
Your little dance
And the way you fell
To well I cannot see
I'm blinded
I'm delusional
I'm fucked up
But I remember you
My little darling
I held your hand
Your TV 's on
You got Trix Yogurt
Before yo went to bed
It was all to real
Similar sounds
Familiar place
Favorite memory
I'm out of it
It's 11 am
I'm sittin in bed
Around my head
I can't seem to function
My brain is shut down
Doesn't process at all
My little darling
I'm dead at ese
Don't you remember me
My little darling
I found your bed
Go to sleep
Your finally home
Break me down
My little darling
The thought of sleep scares me
Hold my hand my little darling
While I sleep
All I want you to do
Is try to remember me
My little darling 🙊💯😊✌️
-"Seeing Me, Elizabeth Ramos , It's Like Reading A Nightmare" (my hallucination alternate life) , by me Sara Berger/Alisa Alvarez-
_____Walk into the classroom with your head held high, say hello to everyone inside, my greetings warm and friendly, but when I go outside I remember that I don't have a home, and I feel alone, remember the day I dressed you up for school? The day I cried when I said my goodbye? As you got on that bus and drove away? You don't know what goes on through closed doors, at school everything seems fine , I sit down and do my work quietly and I see all my friends, and act like it's all alright , I'm scared to get in the car , what's gonna happen as soon as I leave my second home? Behind my smile and my hard work and kindness is someone broken and damaged, I can't show it besides behind closed doors. I walk into my house , no parents home, my sister Constance Ramos is inside sitting on the couch, waiting for me to come in with my substances, I pass out the liquor and the cocaine and get high every second of the day, I never had real parents cuz my dad was a physcotic killer and my mom got sent to jail for drugs , aggression , and sexual assault. My dad abused me 24/7 and put a gun to my moms head countless times, and beat her till she bleed and suffocated, he was a serial killer addicted to meth and crack cocaine, and my whole life he beat us to death , tortured us, till we blackout, and cut us up, and abused us to death. Finally he got sent to jail and he killed himself, so I didn't have a dad, no parents, I had to raise myself, my mom was so traumatized that she got Alzheimer's, she was like a 2 year old, she couldn't take care of me and she had physcotic episodes, then the police came cuz she started shooting her shotgun at the wall and all around the house and then at me as she was screaming "I wish you were dead, just like your father, go get raped or killed and kill yourself" she was not in reality she got hijacked and possessed and thought I was her husband and thought I was someone else, she didn't knew who I was, I was like a stranger and so was she, just a blank cold dis activated stranger, she wasn't my mom she was an animal who didn't know reality, and I was like bait to her for her physcotic episodes, then she drowned my head in the tub and burned me and tortured me worse then my dad as she got possessed, she shoved my head against the wall beating me and suffocating to death and stabbing me and torturing me, then she took her shotgun and pointed it towards my head, before she raped me while I was on the toilet and injected drugs into me, the police took her away and I moved to a foster home. The house parents were drug dealers, and they were crude and physcotic, they raped all the children and murdered them, they tortured us like a murderer would but we had to keep it a secret, shhhhhh they said, very quiet, they abused us bad and attempted to kill us, mainly me and this other kid Erin Vanity, we both got brain damaged , our bodies were bloody and scarred , I took Erin in as my little brother and we grew close, but he was low functioning as well, so I had to teach him, one night when we were sleeping I got a call from the neighborhood police department , saying my mom died after she got arrested she jumped out of the car and into the freeway, so I never had parents. I went through 24 foster homes where we were tortured and on drugs, finally me and Erin were on the streets for 2 years doing crazy physcotic illegal shit and killing , and that's where I met this girl named Constance Ramos who was also on the streets, she took us in and we became family , The Ramos Family, we lived together , and then Johnny Garcia came into our lives, he became my master , and me and him and his father Presly got possessed and raised hell (definition for torturing killing and doing physcotic insane and murderous Satanistic shit) he was my master and were physco insane , dysfunctional killers, and we raised hell all day and all night, doing the craziest shit u can think of, and I came home to Constance snorting cocaine and Erin smoking and having a physcotic episode, trashing the house and he was mentally 2 years old. I had no family all my life has been trauma, so I continued to raise hell with Johnny , then he took us to NXSP , a world of controlled programs we went there and raised hell like Satan would have but worse, we became physcotic killers , everybody was, finally I had a home, we were controlled and possessed and our minds were controlled and damaged and we were controlled by our minds and by our programs, I went there to raise hell , I came into the real world and they possessed me and I was out doing crazy physcotic Satanistic shit just as bad as in NXSP, I went insane and my mom was out of it (my mom in the real world) , her little girl was gone I became possessed as Elizabeth Ramos, raising hell and I still had no one so besides being physcotic and living in NXSP and dealing with possessed possessive insane hallucinations and turning me into a possessed physcotic person, i pretended to be fine. I came to school like nothing was wrong, I said my hellos and friendly greetings, but behind closed doors I was raising hell in NXSP, going crazy as Sara and Elizabeth, doing crazy shit in both of my lives. You still don't know what happens behind closed doors, cuz it isn't what it seems, when your seeing me, Elizabeth Ramos <33333❤️❤️❤️________
~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Scarred Up" (6/1/2015 @ 11:00 am in Coach Klevenos Class, Diana && Lisa are outside, beautiful day)
____We don't need anything or anyone , but you can't explain what goes on in your head, lay back and recognize, the real worlds no prize , each one of us is destroyed, we don't need anything or anyone, you just gotta understand that your trapped from reality, cuz darling your all scarred up, from your past and your damages, you've been destroyed inside and outside, and now your all scarred up, nothing's precious no more, just blank cold empty world, where pain runs through the streets , old memories of your past life rush through your head, the texture of a memory, like when I was on the couch listening to sleepy time music , when I was on Vivance and Rhrespordal I was watching Criminal Minds while eating chicken tenders, the house seemed different, how you feel, the feeling and texture of each moment, in the present, the room was dark, but seemed different from now, I wanna go back, the texture of a memory, go back to August of 2011, what the house and my surroundings felt like, we don't need anything or anyone, try walking in my shoes, just ourselves , we need to try to attempt to love ourselves, and believe in recovery, all we need is ourselves , all we need is love.
It was black as ink , clouds be falling, bitches be crawlin', we all need a rest sometimes, before we go blind , till we all lose our mind, truth of the matter is I'm complicated, I'll be waiting until I wake up from my nighttime dream, who could ask for more? Sticks and stones and on the urge of falling apart, I'll be waiting until the sun blinds me and the stars fall out of the sky, it was black as ink, clouds be falling and bitches be crawling, sometimes I wonder if this was really my true destination, run run run faraway, my love I'll see you in the morning, I'll be waiting till the sun goes down, until Jack returns, if you don't understand then run run run far far away, till the sun goes down, shit on my mind, thoughts be crawlin my mind, and breaking my head as I lose all sanity and self control, (say who who? dr WEEEE (Dr Lee) broke OUTTA reality , I'll be waiting till I wake up from my nighttime dream, these bitches be crawlin, in my dream it all seems real, but it's not natural its dysfunctional, you cannot run or moved its like your trapped, your dream scares you and tricks your mind, same shit different day, I'll miss you when I wake up from this nighttime dream, I'm tired today I woke up blank, it was all black as ink, cuz I went downstairs and we all start to fall, run until w find her, run run run, yes we're done, I didn't hear shit, blocked, take her spot, nighttime dream, dysfunctional, black as ink cuz these bitches be crawlin , so don't be fallin, I see it darling, you belong in peace, so rest your head and go to sleep ______ ❤️🙈🙊💋✌️
"Night & Daiiii" (ending to story #7) by me, Sara/Alisa/Gabriella🙊✋🏿💋
"My headphones just burned out
That faint sound in my ear
To be there when I fall asleep
Goodmorning everyone
See your faces all dim and bright
Then I take on my memory
The freak inside
Remberance of that one bad night
The freak I used to me
As I called you out to me
I ran downstairs with a shock on my face
The freak I came to be
They should believe it's so
That love don't live here no more
Toss the cards and shuffle
Roll the dice onto the table
3 of sixes not my lucky number
The faint sound in my ear
The one I woke up to
And the one that put me to sleep
Night and day
I wake up with a frown across my face
Cuz I'm not in the right place
Cuz love don't live here anymore
Shuffle the aces
All these familiar faces
Pull out my heart
And shake it apart
Time goes by so slowly
I'm hung up over you
The kitchen smells like the food I used to make
Playing poker on the table
Roll a 3 of sixes
My lucky number don't have no place
Hung up on you night and day
There's no one home
I saw something outside
The faint sight of they one night
I'm hesitating
Can't even look at you the same nomore
Once you came back it all changed
It's comes back to me night or day
I'm hung up from the morning till dawn
The house is dark and there's no one home
The faint sound follows me into my sleep
Into my dream
The clock is ticking
There's still no one home
Shuffle dem cards
Still no queens or kings
Bedtime comes to an end
Night and day goes by so slowly
Cuz this house is still empty
Waiting for you night and day
I don't know what to do
Pay the price
From last night
The house is still empty
It has nothing to do with you
Break me again as I silently lie
As I go insane and get the cops called on me
As I go crazy and I can't remember
It was a long and dark December
From the windows they still be watching
My little happy idiot
I still don't know what to do
Won't you let me know?
The house still a shade of grey
Pull out my heart
Onto the shelf of buried armor
Won't you let me know
Night and day I still be thinking
What do I do?
Ringing and about to die
Cuz I went to physco on myself
I went out on it again
My little happy idiot
To far below
Night and day
They still be watching
Play the cards right
Still no queens or kings
Play the game right
Still don't know what to do
Or where I am
Or what I've become
Or why I lost myself
Why I'm here
Where I am
I'm sick inside
I went insane again
Cuz waking up is the hardest part
You keep praying
For a moment you can hardly breathe
Night and day I still be wishing
That you'd be here with me again
I don't know what to do
I'm dazed and confused
Night and day
I still don't know what to do
Found the ace
And my special place
Can't say goodbye
Now she's gone gone gone
Wake up and night and day
Now I know that you were faded in pieces
Cuz I was gone for to long
Day and night I have to fall asleep
With me going insane
Roses in my hands
Where do I go
And night and day
I pray to God
To send me an angel
And to let me know
That I'm finally home
Where I belong
I can wake up now
My happy idiot
Thank you for keeping me safe
I've been living in a haze
I would understand
Cuz I'm not the same
And I have changed
My secret pain
Night and day
You gotta remember your strong
My pain is killing me
Put the past away
I've been drained
I looked sulked
And demented and destroyed
Day and night
I still play the game
Are you found of me
My little happy idiot
Down into the deep end
Break outta those chains
That you've been living in
I would understand
That your wishes aren't that far
And day and night
I would understand
If you would have changed
And lastly night and day
I would still forgive you
Put the past away
I love you my happy idiot
Night and day
I still pray
And now I know
I'll be okay"
The End
😄😍✋💕💕💕🙈💋
Written by me, Sara/Alisa/Gabriella
{{{Story #7 is over now}}}
The end....
-TO BE CONTINUED ON IBR #5, THE REST OF MAMA&&DAUGHTER's STORY- ❤️❤️❤️❤️
(5) Insanity Becomes Reality c;
Insanity Becomes Reality(: #5 My Life Story u.u x Misunderstood.Underdruggedxd
~Broken Inside Got Nowhere To Hide~
Out Of Body Experience. 5/9/2014.Extreme manic intoxicated and satisfied feeling ,no touch with reality, don't know whats happening, mental state going down, stemming and no control over body, nonstop seizure movements with violent body movements, hallucinating, scared, don't know who I am, theres something in my brain, that's not there, numb all over acting retarded saying and doing stuff that makes no sense, I don't know whats going on, cant speak cant breathe, keep shaking, uncontrollable body movements, screaming, got really delusional, manic and weird, a feeling I cant explain, eyes feel high, strange, different, im not me, fuck me, anxious, whats going on, maybe medication or brain damage, 2 episodes at school violent, screaming, autism body movements, uncontrollable type of episodes and REAL bad breakdowns, felt like this for 6 days, I feel high, manic, anxious, paranoid, not there, uncontrolled, brainless, empty, AH I DON'T KNOW, when im alone I talk to myself and do these weird ass things, lost and gone out of my mind, finally was @ home on 5/9/14 and it got worse, it all happened and I had no control, like I was something someone else, someone dark took control of me, not me, blank and dark, I was not there, outta my body, my body was but I wasn't mentally there, we went to Loma Linda Emergency Room, what a waste of fucking time, HELP PLEASE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME, IM TIRED OF THIS SHIT, IM READY TO FACE DEATH, IM CRAZY, PHYSCO, NOT MENTALLY THERE, SICK, ILL, I TURNED INTO DARKNESS, IM DAMAGED AS FAR AS YOU KNOW TRUST ME IM BAD REAL CRAZY REAL FUCKING BAD AND MENTALLY ILL, IM SO CRAZY I SHOULD BE IN A FUCKING INSTITUTION, IM TO UNSTABLE, IM SO CRAZY I SHOULD BE PUT DOWN, SHIT, JUST FUCKING BEAT ME, KILL ME, I CANT CONTROL MYSELF, what if I just disappeared? My pain cuts deep inside me, to unstable to live or function far from okay, far from normal, im different, ive lost myself, ive lost my mind, it cuts deep, it damages my mental state, I stay strong thru da bullshit FUCK OFF OR KILL ME, YOUNG FOLKS BITCHES, FUCK MEEE >.< all I need is a miracle, family, house, life, way I see things, just everything has changed idk what to do, strange feelings, brain changed, my homie said good things about me, I see them, there real, I see "Real People" my hallucinations, bonquest, the pulse "I kind of lied" this is the last love song ill ever write for you, set me free, The Pulse serius XM fm playlist look it up, "panic" by lauren oliver, searching for Alaska, neon trees, crazysexycool,newkidsontheblock.cagetheelephant.idontwannaliveinaworldwithoutyou.sarahmclaughlin...sometimes today is beautiful in the open sky, would seem kind of dark, right now it feels so hard to breathe, you are so beautiful like sunlight burning at midnight, something so beautiful. Johnny said on Sunday imam freak out and do some crazy shit, sent to ETS 51/50 RIGHT TO ETS BITCHES.virchowbitchies. me go to ETS feeling sick and self harm damn bitchy, im here why are you now WTF honey???IRRATION.REALLY? May 22nd, 2014. Medication.Fuck.No 1) five days of not taking evening meds, I put them in a stash. 2) couple days after I take the 2 days worth, take it to get manic, good crazy and satisfied feeling. 3) then the next day I take another 3 days worth and I get real crazy, hallucinate, want to die, go physco, cut, see daddy, manic, angry, anxious, no sleep, just crazy in the head, mentally sick, no eat. 4) may 19th, 2014, hid evening meds in the same stash, then got crazy again, im up all night, hallucinating, real manic, idk whats going on, my mind is twisted, then @ 11:00 pm I took it and told my mom. 6) ok I know im not right and my brain and mental state is fucked up, I feel like I have Haldol in my system, who the hell gave it to me? Nothing makes sense and everyone says I have it in my system, that explains it all, same side effects, plus mental stuff, and brain damage, I didn't, wires, what? WHAT THE FUCK YOU TALKING BOUT? Whats going on? I feel high, where the hell did it get in my system, I didn't take it, Johnny is drugging me and my system, and yourself, datz why we've been high, so you did it plus you fooled everyone, you and I have been acting strange, plus Johnny said you joined him, you come to me in hallucinations and dreams, im so fucking confused, whats happened to me and where the fuck did I get Haldol? I didn't take it, but someones doing it, HELP TELL ME WHATS GOING ON, the lab test said I have it, NO I FUCKING DON'T SO FUCK OFF. DON'T YOU DARE BE FUCKING DRUGGING ME AND I KNOW YOU DON'T REMEMBER SHIT. I hate people making up shit about me,FUCK OFF BEFORE I KILL OR BUST YO ASS >.< 5/6/2014. iBegToDiffer0.0 are you okay? I want to kill myself. Overdose. Die. Whatever. No one cares. No ones there. Fuck you all. When im gone. No one will miss me. So tonight. Im gonna do this shit. Until I bleed. Overdose till I cant breathe. Goodbye...when you try to be your best no one cares, your trying, im crazy, shit man, when ur in a bad spot they don't care they are liars, cops arrest you to many times, even when you just runaway and stay on the streets for days and weeks, when u tell people your story or to stop THEY JUST DON'T FUCKING STOP. Ive lost everyone, everything I am, please I need someone, hallucinating.johnny.worse.punching.beating.up.self.damaged.scaredandalone.punchingwalls. NOTHINGS THE FUCKING SAME. Tried to take pills, tried to open all bottles, took 4 random pills trying to kill myself, sick of all lifes shit try to tell Johnny TO FUCKING STOP, tell daddy who only comes at certain times to fuck up Johnny. Cut myself on my leg and all over while in mania, have nightmares of Johnny and evil daddy, physcosis is getting worse, violence is to, I believe Johnny killed daddy in his sleep, coping skills NONE FUCKING WORK. See daddy to kill myself, im worthless, AWOL from school want to die,86 restraints, 17 escorts total, damage property, ran in street try to kill myself, @ ETS mental hospital self harmed, acted out, at Loma Linda got in retraints got a shot saw JJ and daddy in shower, anxiety attack, self harm, kicked staff, screaming, not eating, new med makes me extreme manic, anxious, angry, nightmares, reality, dreams, overdose, runaway, jump in cars, plastic knife, hurt, bleed, saw daddy on freeway while listening to "Sail" threatened to jump out, attacked people and beat up myself, took 27 Beenadril and 88 Tylonal, took Abilify cuz im allergic to it, made me sick, messed up in the head, extremely damaged, trashed house cuz JJ and CeeCee went after me, tried to slit my throat, runaway with JJover and over, daddy stopped me with pills, want to smoke, cut, with everything, go crazy, went physco, try to kill me and the "others" anxiety attacks in my room, scared, hurt, graffited on walls and arm "graffiti walks on my arms cuz of hotel juniors" punched, abused self and others, physco, abusive, fucked up, @ Oak Grove and Norco Intermediate was crazy, physco, in restrainted, acted out, tried to find the "red wire" JJ would posess me, scared shitless, was dark and mentally ill, self harmed till I bleed, ranaway, got scared, saw more visions, heard shit got in restraints, kill me, shit...HELLO.HELLO. "where the fuck do I belong? Do you think I care? Nope I don't give a shit nomore, sorry mom sorry dad, im crazy, physco, my meds not helping me, at night I get anxious, feel like slashing my wrists, just to see you, get violent, having nightmares, always running always hiding, well im done so fuck you all, so many problems and so much pain, im scared, im lost, im done, cut myself again tonight, just worthless, hello? Anybody can you hear me? No you cant so fuck off, tried to overdose on Beenadril, pulled another allnighter, been to so many hospitals, but nobody cares, no help and no medication, just being me, but everything I do isn't good enough, hello hello can anybody hear me? No you cant so fuck off, oh what am I doing, am I stupid? Answer me, questions with no answers, love with no reason, no meaning, giving up now, crazy? Might be, no knife when I need one, got ya, don't need ya, y aim crazy, SO? Who cares, I don't, bye now.. hello hello can anybody hear me? No you cant so FUCK OFF, no drugs to calm me, nowhere to run, oh hello hello, ANSWER ME, FUCKING PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, help me, save me, love me, 3/30/2014, its over, and as I cry myself to sleep, wanting to die and to bleed, you just sit quietly, and watch me..." in terror and blinding rage, blank empty crazyness, full of rage and pain and turned into a crazy mentally ill fuck up, trust me I was so bad blinding rage, like a fire, I was a crazy bitch. WELCOME TO DA HOE HOUSE CUZ DA BITCH IS BACK... ^.^ blinding rage, all I can see is red raging raving anger, I was outta it and lost my mind till I went totally crazy, outta my mind, I was done....u.u
{{{{-Mamma & Daughter---}}}}
CONTINUED FROM IBR 4 🙊🙊🙊
(((Our story(; && our poems c;
All combined into one story c: ^.* ^.^
I'll keep you updating on this status, so don't look around my profile, look on this status && in my life story)))
--This was continued from IBR 4--
STORY #8 "Black Love , Black Sun" (Sara's Story)
-My Past Life && My Bad Life, This Bitch Ride Solo-
By me, Sara/Alisa/Gabriella 💔💔
Bitch got no time for my game, out on these streets for days
Cops called on me as I go insane
Nobody knows what the fuck I've been through
It all started when I was 12
When my dad fucking died
My whole life before I got locked up
I was gettin arrested and doing bad shit
These are the reasons why you shouldn't have left me or beat me or ever tried to steal me
I was abused since I was little
That's what I grew up too
Fucking sick ass bitches got nothin on me
Once he died I went insane
Physcotic lil insane girl roaming the streets n doing physco shit
I was on the dope
All I learned was violence
As I fucked up my whole life
Johnny has been with me since I was 9
Possessing me and makin me lose my fuckin mind
Blake was 26 and I was 12
He was my dealer and put me thru hell
I was a killer, violent and physco
I attempted but didn't succeed
I was stealing and running
Fighting and fucking lieing
I got sent to the mental hospital 85 times
And got locked away in Utah
I attempted suicide and homoscide at re same fuckin time
I went insane and numbed to the bone
I was an addict and I was fuckin dopey that I was brain dead
I stole and popped pills from anywhere I could find
Violence and aggression every second every day
N I didn't have s home but that was my choice
For 5 years I was goin crazy and shit I was always away, in treatment or locked up far away
I became skitzophrenic that I was broke from reality
Every day was a fight and a struggle
Always gettin in fights, restrained, arrested, expelled and locked up
Always bein bad and misbehaving
Always going so insane that I became someone else
I coulda got killed but I didn't give a fuck
51/50 into the hospital 65 times as I went crazy and went physcotic
One episode after another
But been to 85
But still didn't learn shit cuz I was still doing illegal shit
I've attempted to lull myself 154 times
And bitch damn commited homoscide a whole bunch of times
One after another but I didn't succeed
So close to be locked away for good
I was on the bad shit on the real
And I was a pure addict
Done every fucking drug
I drank and partied
And I ran away and snuck out at night
Going crazy and raising hell as I got possessed
Doin the bad shit again cuz I still haven't learned
I'm one of the craziest girls you'll ever meet
My life has been trauma
And I've been through it all
All the disorders
The medication
The trauma
All the fucking traumatic shit u can think of
I was on the streets for 3 months
Living the fuckin illegal life no I didn't deserve it
No no no
I didn't
I've been self harmin && self medicating every day of my life
My whole life since I was little has been nothin but a nightmare
It's all been trauma
And me goin insane everyday
But Damn get your shit together
Cuz remember God is witcha
These bitches don't know shit
You don't know what I've been through
I'm one of the craziest
My past was one of the most traumatic
But Johnny doesn't live with me nomore
It's just me my mom and my little brother
Who I gotta take care of
I was on my own for most of my life
Spent holidays locked away
No family just strangers
And I still went fuckin insane
No bitch when I use the word insane I mean it forreal
Done every crazy ass thing there is
But u don't know me so don't judge
When I was 4 was when the abuse got worse
And I was raped and injected
And living the hood life
But no one knew about it cuz I kept quiet
I was Elizabeth Ramos raising hell with my homies
Mainly Johnny tho
But nigga get yo shit together
I've been thru it all
I've been thru a lot
But I can't say it all but you know what I mean
Just think of any crazy thing you can think of that was me
You may not believe it but you don't know shit
One of the craziest girls you'll ever meet
Lock my pain away and go on with my day
I got my mom and my lil brother
I stay strong for them
Cuz remember that it will all get better
As I get possessed so much I become physcotic and my name is Elizabeth
I lived my life solo for 5 years
But then I got my mom who became different
I lost it all , everything
My pain digs so deep that I can go fuckin insane
But I keep it in
But bitch I be husslin dem streets
Living the bad life on some bad shit
Doin the crazy shit
That's all I grew up too
Now I'm 17
My first real birthday
Don't sign me away
I might be crazy
But isn't it funny
Cuz this Bitch be husslin
Remember me well I'm a success story
Got my records on me
And some other shit
But I got me and boo you go find your other bitch
Cuz this nigga ride solo
This one is a real one
I've done it all lowkey
Before 10 I get my medicine to keep me stable
I'm finally home now && now I know that I am ridin solo
My brain is fucked up & so am I
Let's get real get it together
When I'm 18 I can't be livin like this
This bitch ride solo
Can't be bangin that yoyo
Drained and damaged
I'm basically dead and killed inside
I've been through it all
Fuckin ice cold
This bitch ride solo
My name is Sara
I got my mama and my lil brother
Even after all I've been thru and all I've done
I got to stop before I lose it all
Cuz nigga get your shit together
I can't do this nomore
Before I end up dead
I'm just. Little girl only 17, been thru it all
I ain't even 18
From 4 to 17 has been nothin but going crazy
How come I'm only so little
&& been thru so much
I can't remember you now
Cuz this bitch ride solo
Even with my life down the drain
I still ride solo
Cuz all my life I've always rode solo
Been fucked up but now I'm dopey
Cuz I have you with me solvin this puzzle
Send me an angel I can't even tell
That this ones a real one
Not husslin nomore doin the bad shit
You don't even know
Until you look into my eyes
Can you feel me?
Nigga get to shit together
And thats my head this is my life and I got my own name now
One of the craziest but one of the strongest
Close your eyes Sara
Now you'll remember that even after I'm done I'm still ridin solo"
The end
"Don't got to do nothin'"
By me, Sara/Alisa/Gabriella 👊💊😘
I was walking , as too choices don't do shit
Little girl on the run
Now what do I do
These streets be empty
I told you not to cry
When your sitting all alone
In an empty room
Go out of your mind
Go to slow and the powers out
Eating my daily meals and entering the room
Twisted mind and acid tears
Clear rainwater passes through the clouds
Little angel you gotta be reminded that being bad && misbaving
And always going crazy
I'm used to being bad
But now I'm home from treatment
&& I remind myself
That God is always with you
Thru the darkness and the light
Pull the main breaker switch
And den you turn it all around
Boy I don't even know
Cry yourself to sleep
But when mama comes home
She protects you
And is always with you
So send me an angel
Cuz God is always with you
My Little Shy One, Mr Alverado
By me, Sara/Gabriella/Alisa
6/7/2015 @ 11:31 pm 💞💞💞❤️😘
You look at me with love and care
Sad because I'm all torn up
Because he knows my past
He keep staring at me
It mad him sad
Could you tell he likes me
He looked at me like he deeply cared
Damn I feel so special
I can tell and so can mama
That you like me a lot and you flirt with me in any way possible
Your shy around me and sad when I leave
You wanna protect me
It seems like you really care
We can all tell
Your sad because I'm so tourn apart
Now I remember
That you really care
We both had bad pasts
And you deeply care and like me
Maybe it was meant to be
But your too older then me
But you still flirt with me in that way
Even if I'm so young
I can tell that you care
Your sad that I'm so tourn apart
It's like it's breaking your heart
Or I'm breaking you heart
Cuz you truly like me and care out of protection
Am I breaking your heart cuz every time you see me you can tell I'm so tourn apart
I'm in love deeply and I know you are too
And when I go home
You'll remember me
You always thought about me
You always seemed like you were obsessed
That you were flirting and everyone noticed
Everytime you looked at me
It was deep sorrow, care, and love
You don't want me to leave
Always so close to me
Your obsessed with me and everyone knew
Am I breaking your heart cuz I'm so tourn apart
My little shy one you can tell me that you like me
We can all tell
My little shy one you care for me deeply and I do too
Stay strong my little shy one
I can tell you like me and only me
Everyone could tell
You only looked at me they way
And no one else
I care for you my little shy one
Stay calm my little shy one
We all know you wanna protect me
With deep care
My little shy one
Is it to early to say
That I love you too
By me <333 about Mr. ALVERADO/PEREZ
"Blacked Out Now Bitch Don't Knowww , you crazyyyy"
By me Sara/Alisa/Gabriella 💔💊 (end of Story #8)
Remember when you possessed me
Made me go insane as I tried to play my own game
Ms physco , bitch don't know
I'm used to misbehavin'
And I'm used to goin crazy
So try to catch me make me
Bitch ain't gonna shake me
I'm one of those girls with a traumatic past
I'm one of those girls with a fucked up mind n a fucked up life
Listen my nigga, I gotchu if you got me
Ain't no one friendly on these streets
Abused my whole life and fucked up n traumatized
Watch me bitch I don't fly
Come catch me my nigga cuz I ain't got time
For you pussy ass games
Cuz man I'm crazy
Follow up on the meaning
Unserstand this
Let's see I'm skitzophrenic
Voices posess me in my head and take over me till I am dead
Rape me and torture me
Like my daddy yes I know
My whole life has been traumatic from age 4 to 17
Ain't you understand , what its like bein me?
Ive got some problems but we gonna fix em cuz damn I got some game
bipolar, Skitzophrenia, ADHD, insomnia, anxiety, abuse, depression, anger, self harm, self medicate, violence, runaway, husslin the streets in my underground gang
You say I'm sweet and innocent but this girl ain't go no sense or I'm broke from reality
And physcoticly insane
You no man when I say insane
I mean like fuckin physco insane
That's what a dictionaries for
Go read one then peep one
Homie you square comin up on me
IMMA crazy one nobody wanna mess with me
I'm seriously insane that I could be a murderer
I'm distached from reality
Chemical embalance in my brain
Mentally ill in any shape or form
Disabled, physcotic, goin insane cuz dear we got 99 problems but none of em gettin solved
We gotta fix it but it's not the reason that I went insane
The reason is that I was tortured and traumatized my whole life and never had anybody
I was always misbehaving
Always out there gettin possessed n raisin hell and going insane in public
When I went insane I did some pretty physcotic shit
My records full but I was always OUTTA control
Cuz I didn't know myself and no one knew me
My whole life was trauma
And I never got a break
All on my own from 12 and for years
Cuz I was goin crazy
Like a murder or killer wood
It was like I was in a game
I never had no one
But then I had my mom
I lost everybody and everything
Been through some traumatic shit
Like shootings on the streets and being raped and injected always high wastin time
Bitchin around I don't know why
I was abused in every shape or form
I was tortured until I was 11
Anyway I was always gettin arrested
I was doin the illegal crazy shit
All day everyday cuz I didn't give a shit
85 mental hospitals yes I've been through it all
Done every single crazy thing you can inagne
Just think about it
I'm not liein
Any crazy thing you can think of right now
I did it
On my own or with my homies
I've been through it all
I've done it all
Traumatized my whole life
In a dark broken state of mind
Every traumatic thing that you possibly know
That was me but you don't know
Let's see I got sone hallucinations , possessing me and slowly killing me
I fight violent and agressively
Considered abuse and torture
I can beat someone black and blue
You ain't got no clue
I go more problems oh take a look at this
Anerexia, medication, suicidal, homoscidal, OCD, drug addict, Skitzophrenia, bipolar, adhd , insomnia, autism, abusive/abused, break from reality, possessed, traumatized , insane, anxiety, depression, anger, self harm, self medication, violence, runaway, on. The streets, arrested, suicide and homoscide attempts , stealing, breaking the law, illegal shit, 85 mental hospitals, in treatment and going crazy and mentally ill for 5 years after daddy passed away
My parents were technically divorced
Always beatin on her but he beat on me worse
Fighting and hallucinations
And fuckin serio dude
Don't get no hopes up on me
I'm one of the craziest teens you'll meet
But come and solve the puzzle
Try to figure that shit out
Mentally unstable and mentally retarded
Been locked away from my family
Never had love or care
Until now
For 5 years straight since 2011 I've been goin crazy and insane and doin bad things
Doing unsafe behaviors
And dangerous and illegal and crazy ass things
IMMA killer but I do not do that cuz I didn't succeed
I've been on all the drugs
Addicted and a stoner, done em everyday, drank alcohol was an alcoholic
Naw I couldn't stop
But I was a hardcore addict
I got my dealer Blake
But now he's far away
Now can't you say that now I have a price to pay
Now everyday I walk around with a smile on my face
But my pain is so severe
It makes me go crazy
That's why we're all addicted to something that takes away the pain
My pain is so severe cuz I've been thru don't hard shit and I've done some hard shit
I'm addicted to many unsafe healthy dangerous physcotic things
That I use or do to take away the pain
Now I'm done and I got some game
Cuz I know how it's played...
Hoes be tossin them cards
But real ones go through the most bullshit
You a player but you got yo game
So blind no one can see it
Husslas be husslin
Out doing some dangerous shit
That was me I was one of them
Now remember you gotta be tossin the cards and pickin up dem aces
Cuz if you get 3 of 7's
You lost and can't regain
The mental stability of nothing
Damn that was me
Throw a brick at yo head
But nigga you don't learn
You still be tossin dem 3's
That's not gonna get you nowhere
You gotta play the game in sections of a phase
But TV stars have all of it
Me on the steers playin games
You still got yo 3's and I'll trade them for 7's
But nigga yo blind cuz you just lost the game
Cuz I know how it's played
Black sun burnin out my eyes
All you can do is cry
As I take over the night
As you scream in fright and you ain't holdin nobodies hands
Your on your own
Cuz I blacked out again I went out on myself again
As the nightmares come to a divide
But black sun won't you come
And wash away the pain
Heal the scars as they struggle healin, you just gotta pray
And stay on your game
Cuz God will guide you through it
In each and every way
Now I'm not ashamed because now I have been saved
Blacked out again but woke up
It ain't gonna effect me
Cuz nigga get on your game
Cuz I'll show you how it's played
Ditto.
I just blacked out and this is crazyyyyyy
Now I'm on my gamd so stop playin along
Very slow I'll kill you as you have kille me
Pray to God and he will protect you
Now I'm home healthy and with my family
I blacked out, ain't that crazy
Think about it
All you gotta do is pray
And you'll see how the game is really played...
Damn.
THE END
((To be continued on "Get In It, Fucking Out Of It...xx))
~Dreams No Beginning No End~
(6/20/2010.iPod Losing Mischief) when I lose my ipod at a boys house, Katie takes me to retrieve it at a boys house and then we go to a store that only shes aloud in with a CEO pass and hear Heart and Ke$ha and then we ride in this car with a black girl a women saying "goodnight daddy" and then we pick up cookies but everyone wants them so her and her posy wont get any and then we find danny who slapped me in the face and I let him, then I do the moving to prove im talking to him, I do and then I talk a lot and the dream is over so I wake up in confusion. (6/8/2010.Rick Astly Imposter) rick and I got married and when I was asleep he came to my door and rickrolled me and I was a paparazzi at his door and we waited for me and we saw Ozzy and him kiss. (6/23/2010.The Black Hole) a movie where 2 girls stole popcorn and we were being chased down so they had to move while the 2 girls went through the polarcoaster and in every level, the blackhole came and they had to avoid it. (6/25/2010.Replacements) on summer moving is hard and ending up in a trailor home is harder so when we find a huge door mirror in a huge dark theatre room and a half bathroom, and then @ summer no one likes me and in my living room theres a party, but they all get full and someone gives me there hat but they die, and Ms Grim and then I woke up heavy so I had to go back to sleep and dream about folded rooms in a door box. (6/27/2010.Pathetic Dreamscape) when I get called from 3 people to go to a conversation I have to wear nerdy glasses to avoid "dum buddy" and I can iceskate with my friends, and then dum buggy realized I was from Nightmare Before Christmas and 4 boys and I went swimming and found abandoned CDs I got 70's and 80's and the blackhaired boy got the 1960's radio Disney CD, then me and C get in a big fight. (6/28/2010.Famous People) theres people on a boat with glass pain garden shaped windows on the very top it was big, and then a who was more funny fight, I woke up with hot covers and im confused and I wanted to go back to sleep but he said no so I snuggled with Rascal and he was upside down and I watched TMZ and then went away upstairs. (8/4/2010.Richie Confusion) when a hot look-a-like and other family comes over, we make a trip to Disneyland and other hotels and talk about memories @ the old house, and eat and get lost, and meet unusual people, but I videotape all of it and Mandi comes over and I video her, then I wake up in a blur. (3/7/2011.Hellscape) when a girl decides to go to a different blanket galaxy alone, her friends have to find her before air wares out and also get to the place they were originally going before 2012 occurs. (10/19/2011.Getting High) I find doors on a wall that I climb up on and the knobs are bottles, I open 1 door up and Daddys in there, then me and mom visit different princess type rooms, then we all go out to find a hotel folded up room like mommys room, then I walk outside and the rooms are made of metal and I do drugs with A at his house and try to write a letter to cousin, while talking to Michael Jacksons death. (10/17/2011.The Dream) 3 people wake up with the same dream and tell the roommates, me and 2 of my friends play Dudley Moore trivia and I win, then at UCI, Adrian and Tyrone are working there and I keep waking up and Heidi gets mad and sends me back to bed, my room is like a room with windows viewing the ocean, a TV, and a big shower, then I come out again and Debbie gives me some pills, then I wake up and cough and have a soar throat, and lost my voice. (10/19/2011.Polar Skating) I skated down hills that were narrow like mountains, I grabbed the book first, I found Adrian and Rossy being roommates overnight, me and Tony were eating our lives and Jessi was playing Truth Or Dare, we built our own world out of yarn as a square on the floor, and I ranaway from shots @ UCI at night. (10/20/2011.The End) Clyde gave me a camera that moved in my seat that I rolled around in I recorded vlogs and talked about my feelings. Then I died my hair a white, blond, purple, and red color. Then we were on a boat and Jordan from UCI were watersking and told me not to back up cause she went into the water, and Zach and I sang "Fuck You" and then in the store we stood ontop of the isles and made rules and threw things and skated around, then I was in my room and had a dream that my mom was "The End" and I recorded my dreams on camera, then I woke up figuring out it was all fake. (10/21/2011.Complete Motistic) I went in my room with wood on the floor with tiles that looked like my room, without the stuff in it, someone wrote my initials all over the tile and placed plastic cups all over it, I started crying and saying "it was not mine" she made me clean it up with my other friends Dakota and other girls, C was there yelling @ a boy to hurry up, then I was @ outside activity and Rick from UCI was running it, I changed outta my PJ's, went in my closet to look for my Led Zeppelin shirt but found my 2 GNR shirts. (10/9/2011.Serial Killers) a serial killer goes on a killing spree and trashes his house after he sees a scab on his girlfriend's arm, his X told him to do this but Nick was trying to be nice, he tortures his daughter, wife, and son, he showers with his son, and parties and writes scripts, he is nice after Brittany texts him about Preston's birthday, but really they were running away, Nick finds out and goes back to killing, until he finds out his daughter wrote all his plans, and was portraying the serial killer, I watch this movie over and over on my ipod and obsess over the serial killer, the daughter goes home and trashes the house and ties up the family, except nick, then they go to dinner for some reason for Carnikal Chicken and soda, Adrian is there depressed cuz he broke up with Sydney. Finally everyone that the daughter wrote the script, and was the killer and was "AA" her and her mom go out for dinner with hot haircuts, and then play Angry Birds on someones ipod, the whole time music is playing, and the daughter impresses Nick, and sing Bon Jovi songs and "Fade To Grey" while Willis shows off his new Guns N' Roses. (10/22/2011.Majik Jack) we played magik jack, a game where you have to avoid the balls, then I go to this karoke class for a couple of days and we fly and sing, Larry beats me with a stick for not playing but I sing and only 1 person likes it, then I go to other peoples houses, and have parties with cake that mom bakes, I have major anger issues so I fight with people and punch walls, then I make friends with a bully that bullied the wimpy kid, Greg, the bully is Dylan from UCI, I sing and tell jokes and he laughs, him and Zach go home so I drown myself, I go to this biblical thing where I watch a video of people that have jello inside there bodies, and have a test for which food to pick, normal or jello? Then I go back to someones house, throw my ring away from Daniel, from UCI gave me, and have inappropriate behavior inside and outside the door of someones house, until mom sees me, I impress Dylan lots of times, then I go to my dorm room and see Danny there and my legs keep flying up, so I drink water to keep them down, then we drive an old fashioned Cadillac really fast and backwards with Dylan,Dylan and Greg that looked like Feris Bueler compete in games and race through the toy store and Greg wins, then we all become friends and impress eachother, then I drown myself in my dorm room. (10/23/2011.Back To School) I tell T that hes hot and we hang out together and E and A have fun. And show off are pegasis, and then me and Jessica get in "fights" which are pretend and T picks Jessica over me because shes blonde, then he changes his mind and picks me, then I have to go back to school from 5 to 6, in history I see Jessica and E and we talk, then we go to a drug store and I see Terry and impress him, then I have testing from 5 to 6 so we drive and have fun until 5:00 , people try to stop me and Jessica's 'fights" and saying I was the fighter, then I go to a coffee shop and chocolate cake and 30 itunes cards. (10/24/2011.The Reaper) I made friends with The Reaper before he kills me, so I write an autobiography on my life and the bad things I have done, me and the reaper continue our relationship @ school, I get angry and kill my brother and someone reports it, I ride an empty school bus with The Reaper around the school, the driver gives us a pass when we go down to Nighttown and watch a movie to study earlier, then I get a choice of snack, I pick chocolate mint pudding, me and the Reaper go around and kill other people and we talk a lot and Chet tells us to shut up, Adrian wants to read my autobiography, then I walk around school confused and we impress a lot of students, I impress The Reaper, he shows me his excersizing plan and I show him mine, but I lied, and we weighed eachother, well that's it. (10/25/2011.Falling Down) I was flying and guessing the name of a movie that was called Rosannestoned Tragedies, I was talking to Happy Cole on a chat site, then we were playing a paper game, where you write your feelings, I was on an airplane where there was no cussing, cellphones, or food or you will die, there was this fat Daniel Guy, That kept sitting next to me, and spilling his food, then I ordered pasta and chicken tenders from a food booth, then we pushed a girl that wasn't supposed to chat with us off the circle globe thing, I made a new Skype intro and I sang and did impressions. (10/26/2011.Halloween Bastards) a huge talking spider bit and then we said goodbye to Auntie but she wouldn't do my Halloween makeup, we went to a church and it had a small slide that was dark and blue and looked like a bounce house and I was depressed and slid back and listened to my itouch, then daddy found my old writings when I wrote down names and plays, the I listened to Nine Inch Nails because of something else. (10/27/2011.Turning It Over) I return to Stoneybrooke for a 5 week class, me and Danny play a name game where we jump on eachother, me and Cole and druggie rebels, then we play Motown Bros, U2 and Led Zeppelin play and then we grab big mountains of bubblewrap, but the gate closes on me, and Rossi cant get me out, then I write bloopers and act them out from Criminal Minds, and I record them, then I impress Hippie Cole by talking about UCI, we get in trouble for smoking, then I have to go 2 a lot and I see Rossi and Hotch. (7/3/2010.Time Rush) when her family gets mad they make her live up in Preston's room and getting sick of the yelling of her mom and dad, Preston staying in her room and wanting to come in, so she locks the door, when she interviews Preston, he gets mad and throws a big cookie and she takes the part of that hit the ground, Preston later comes back with pink sugar cookies, then she goes online and finds Dreamscape for someone dancing to it for a talent show, but it was really puppets so she made 4 contests for YouTube and only contest #2 got uploaded, then someone accused me of hitting Fred and I kept yelling 3 times that I didn't do it , then on the way to the time machine the family turned into Donkey Kong Dutch characters so I got in the time machine to get me away from the family, but something happens to the machine so I cant switch over, so we rushed so no one can stop us, and then the phraise "one happy family" was said, and then I woke up at 8:40AM, and dad said why you up so early? And I said my dream is over, so I thought of other dreams like the cold palace with all grey and black with lots of confusing stuff and then my dream where doors have bottles for handles like mom's room, but quiet, confusing, spooky, empty, and different so my dad was yelling help in there, but that dream was 3 years in real life so then I was done thinking and I was going to look up Claude Van Damme in 2010 and George Turnabal in 2010 because I thought I saw him in Joyce's while I dryed my hair 4 times. (10/28/2011.Hotcher Sexyness) me and Austin are inside this room because were sick and I get really dizzy and he helps me walk and we saw a cute kitty, me and Austin were rebels and we talk a lot and fake sick and make signs of sex and we get along and I show him my ipod and then I go over to Riley's house and see a guitar tuner and a Beatles shirt, the bomb explodes and Hotch gets hurt, I record this, and Riley and Austin with long hair said they'll call me later, and I get her birthday web account and I impress them both and Hotch, then someone dresses up in a costume and yells at people in streets and then the opens of Open Season 2 plays and Hotch sings "Singing In The Rain" before the bombing like an episode of Criminal Minds and then I wake up and play "Strange Love" on Riley's guitar. (10/29/2011.Record This Shit) I sing and record my singing on the DSi, I go crazy on the bed and sing Two and a Half Men theme song, me and Austin exchange phone numbers and we make signs and color and pass paper around to write the phone numbers and I meet Charlie Sheen for him to pick me up, then I join the purple and hot red group, which I started, then I play football and get a touchdown, then Fred joins the mental hospital and piss on the floor and drinks water outta the toilet but I become manic and it was really me, then I wake up and play with Rascal, watch some football and eat a Cherry and Blueberry Trix Yogurt, I cant wait to go to Aunties house to watch football, its gonna drive me crazy. (10/30/2011.Open Up, Burn Hollywood Burn) I walked with Terry and waved at Charlie Sheen, we tried to find Thomas Gibson, I had Savannah from UCI wave @ my boyfriend, I join the Sinister Sisters after they bullied me and I attacked bro and they were impressed, at UCI there was no soap aloud, but I kept my soap there, I got mad because the people in the store were not making my dark red ball and I was Viper's science partner, and I sat next to Sam, were staying @ UCI for 100 years, having fun and Riharrah and Tarrana let me be part of their group. (10/31/2011.Estranged @ 12:00PM) I had to pick between Christianity and Satanism, if I picked Christian I would go to Rich House, then I went to school and picked a nerd as a friend, lol @ Matthew Grey Gubler's cute, then we try to find a criminal which kept putting bipolar in the streets and a black man told me his dad was black, then Hotch starts crying about Haily, then I felt sick and so did Hotch so I plugged in the little tube and saved him, we catched the other criminal, and took pictures of everything with my DS, we took a ride in the car and went to Starbucks 2 times but they fucked up the order. (11/2/2011.Bongo Smith) I go into a room with a door and I sing into a microphone while he listens to an egg and eartubes, to see the different, I race flying bikes, with guns, until I lose. Then I get drunk and sick infront of Jack Hunter, I get drunk and party with Savannah and Ryan and Jack Hunter, then I put on red and try to point the man towards satan, for me to have no religion, then Lisa turns it towards Jesus, then I go to a walk in bath with another step that someone pee in, I take a hot bubble bath and then im sitting in the couch in my home and Preston throws a big blue ball at me and I yell help but Mommy was there and she cant hear me, mommy returns me to UCI but I have to get a test with paper, then I wake up and turn the TV on for I am scared, then I have another dream that I am watching a movie that uncovers secrets of Agent Hotchner, with Reid running the news, then I take this test cuz 2 people changed, that's 494 questions, and if Preston shuts it off they will lose everyone, they check on different Facebook pages for different people, I take picture with my iTouch, momma puts bugs on me to see what there saying to me, they were no bees but they were small bugs that weren't in the container with a blanket, then I watch 2 people leave and change and I wrote the name of the movie down. (11/3/2011.Pheniox Intensity) I go to a group where I can get sent away on a Christian trip or a mental trip, I go away on a mental trip and end up in a crate that's brown and I have major anger issues so I yell and try to take the vile off I make friends with Riley, a boy with glasses and 2 other friends, the fat one yelled at me for eating food late, I serve and they eat what they serve on a tray, mom said not to call H but I do and we party, I show the boy with glasses my world before I was born and all the magic, and I wrote on a paper then plan the party leftover plan, then I see the commercial of Thomas Gibson trying to finish a puzzle, but he shouldn't finish it then I walked around with my friends, daddy brings me a present before he died. (11/4/2011.Broken Down) I see Thomas Gibson running away with evil and leaving the key, I got bullied by a girl that said that nobody likes my strawberry icecream, all B's fans are ugly, I didn't clean my house with beds in it, and things she says about me, I go thru a real Mario Kart Live Action but very dangerous, I sleep on someone and play Ping Pong, but im depressed so I do bad, Jack told me there are hardcore Pink Floyd fans @ Disneyland, everybody goes up the mirror elevator tube and I cant go, people give me back my snacks, I had the chips and string cheese, I make a funny video out of hot girls, and the mean girl smokes and wont let me smoke, she is blonde with glasses, then a girl made me write on a boys birthday cake, that she got bullied by the mean girl. (11/5/2011.Night Physco Knowing) I see Rio in concert play bass guitar and I sit next to my friends, I ask for there numbers and Tony asks about my Beatles shirt, mama asks about my dark side and insomnia, Spongebob, Mr Krabs and other characters appear above out of the sink, I hurt him at a race and @ SB I feel guilty, but everybody is impressed by me, and my mom, Alan is depressed cuz his wife dumped him, and he plays it over and over, my legs hurt so I get the drug medication and she shows me life with being married or divorced. (11/6/2011.Depressed) Rebecca Daniels has a breakdown cuz she misses a patient and cries to go home, she developes physcosis and starts talking to the person, there is only a 2 person elevator, she goes outside she has to go off but she thinks theres another person so the man has to go on it and they fall asleep on eachother, she only sings when shes tired, her dad has to go to jail and its her fault and Chris is gonna hate her, she goes in a pool with her clothes and someone drowns her and looks at her journal, to see if someone raped her and Savannah gives her a lip ring and she takes a color picture with Jade and go to the store where there is night cake and chicken tenders and fries, me and them were a hat and he makes fun of it, someone with an Iron Maiden shirt sits next to us and tells us to scoot over, a lot so his friend can sit there, I got new shitzu black puppies. (11/1/2010.Failed Maitrance) I tried to climb on a bed that had to do with sports, I recorded my house and shared it to her from my phone, cuz I flyed and got more battery power, I recorded UCI and sang, then I found a puppy that had under the leg, they are 2 girls and I barely talked to the 2nd one, I found a guy that had to repeat a grade and then I wrote a list of what I want and I showed someone over the counter, I recorded the puppy and my roommates @ UCI, I sang while recording and my roommate asked us if we needed anything before she went to bed so I asked for her phone number, I woke up @ 6:17 and it was dark, and Roxy on the night shift was looking outside. Suicide Note from 2011. "Dear Mom, im going to kill myself, life just isn't worth living anymore, life is to painful and I want Daddy, this is goodbye, I just feel like it's the best for me, im going to slice my throat, im sorry, come join me someday, leave without me, nothing without you, I love you beautiful, goodbye." (JUST TO LET YOU KNOW, THIS LETTER IS OLD, IT MIGHT BE REAL, BUT THIS WAS 4 YEARS AGO, ITS REALITY BUT ITS NOT NEW, NO ASSUMING OKAY IM NOT GOING TO THE MENTAL HOSPITAL CUZ THIS IS OLD.)
~~This Is For Some Of You, reminds Me Of People I know, bitches>.< (Cognitive Thinking Errors)~~
Lying. This tends to be one of the most common thinking errors, a person will be deceptive and dishonest by falsification or altering the facts, there are 3 forms of lying. 1) Omission: telling part of the truth, but omitting important information in order to have a better outcome. "Did you go to school?" "yes" what he is leaving out is that he did not stay, or spent all day on the roof of the school. 2) Comission: saying something is true when its not, or denying something is true when it is. "I completed my chores" "I did not smoke" 3) Assent: faking agreement with someone inorder for them to leave you alone. "yeah, I will get my chores done today" and has no intension of doing so. THIS IS MOST PEOPLE NOWADAYS, HAHA WHAT A SHAME, FUCK OFF, STOP LIEING, BE REAL.xx
~Mentally Wrong~ (Story of Unstable Teens) (PLZ NOTE. THIS IS FICTION, NOT REALITY, NO REAL)
(Kiera/Amylynn Chorie Lyles) Kiera and Amylynn, 13 and 18, this is our story. "Im Kiera and I joined a crowd of stoners, they forced me to do cocaine, I got addicted, I went to rehab and I got in to many fights, my family informed me that there gonna cut off all contact between us, when they did, I used 24/7, I wasn't even considered family anymore, well fuck it, one day I didn't wake up, I was uncontious, I awoke and ran outta the hospital to the drug store, I had a seizure and died, oh well, it was Amy's fault for interducing me to those stoners." "hi, im Amylynn, I thought introducing my friends to Kiera was a good idea, but I was stupid, now shes dead. Ive done about every drug that's known to man, I don't care what my family says, partying is my fucking life, one day, I ranaway, stayed on the streets for a year, and never came back. Ive been to prision 7 times, I didn't contact anybody but my party homies, I overdosed, couldn't recognize myself anymore, I was such an addict I had no touch with reality, I went to the hospital, I trashed it and stabbed myself with a needle, I got stoned and killed my mom and dad, I went totally physco so I went to a mental institution, before I got in violent fights, mainly with my boyfriend, hit him on the head with a frying pan and choked him, trashed the house, I got the cops called on me 48 times, but now when I heard Kiera died, I choked myself, fuck." (Teresa Wilder) Teresa, 13, was abused by her foster parents when she was 5 years old up until she was 9, she then ran away to her friends house, when she was 11 still living there, she reapeatly did marijuana and meth for a year, she then got pregnant with a boy named Mason, she started abusing him cuz he reminded him of her abusive foster family, well this is my story. "one night at the mental hospital everybody got anxious, bizarre things started happening, then this hallucination came, his name was Al, he had a scarred face, he chased after us, killing us in our sleep, or our awakening, he possesses people, like the new girl, you cant have any contact her or stand next to her, the disease is spreading fast, I cant sleep, I have repeated panic attack, I hear banging on the walls, seeing shadows, we are all paranoid and we need to stay together, then more delusions start appearing, no one can sleep, we need to escape, hes after us, please someone save us, were all dead to him, we need to overpower him, that's why I have episodes, that's why I abuse people that thinks it's a game, this is why the delusions abuse us, all of us, but me mostly, so one day to escape, I went AWOL, and killed myself." (Lauren Kathorine) Lauren, 16, burned herself @ the store when she was 9, since then I couldn't move my arms, I stayed paralyzed, this is my story. "I started burning myself after I saw my dad cut himself with a knife, after awhile I got depressed cuz I broke up with my boyfriend, so I stole my dads steak knife and I sliced my wrists, I never told anyone, until my teacher caught with a knife at school, cutting is my biggest addiction, no one understands why I do it, but that's just me, when my dad killed himself, I cut my throat, but I didn't succeed in dieing, I couldn't take care of myself, I was all alone, so I overdosed, but I failed again, finally I looked at myself, I had scars all over my body, my mom drove me to the mental hospital, I found anything I could to cut, cuz it realeses my pain, I stay there for 2 years, one day I ranaway and never came back, never to be found, lost in the dark, my sister found me dead in the river, I was gone forever, and I know this is the truth, im never coming back." (Cherrie Nelson) Cherrie, 19, my mom was suicidal, my brother was suicidal, my dad was homoscidal, its just not right, well idiots this is my story. "when I was bullying people at my school, like my daddy taught me to do, I was acting like a rebel, like he told me to do, and I was fighting, he must be so proud, my family got killed in a car accident, since then I started killing, like my daddy said to do when he visits me, he taught me how to fight, and so did the kids in my group home, since then I became totally antisocial, I became violent with everyone, I enjoyed seeing other peoples pain, that's who I am, then one day I got drunk and trashed 5 hotel rooms, I got arrested, I stopped killing but I need more, a lot more, I escaped when I was 18, on July 13th, but the cops chased me down, I jumped off a building and I fell on the concrete, I woke up in jail with 5 officers surrounding me, I woke up and socked 3 in the face, so I finally got the death sentence, im free." (Emily Garcia) Emily, 19, had her brother burn down the house when she was 16 years old, since then it left just the 2 of us, I cant live like this anymore, im always anxious, and I cant stand this anymore, this is my story. "I don't know who did it, but they succeded of tearing my family apart, all it left was me and my brother, my brother kicked me out of the house when I was 17. So from then on I had to live on the streets, I met a boy that I thought was nice but he eventually persuaded me into bombing gas stations. Once I started I couldn't stop, it was a way of thinking my brother would die in a bombing, one day I saw my brother walk into a 7/11 and I saw my chance, I threw the bomb ontop of the roof and it killed 30 people, the police were called and I got arrested and taken to Juvy, today its been a year, and now im 20, in adult prision, I regret what ive done but I need to do it more, it calms my pain, like drugs, but now im stuck here, forever." (Iven Gibson) Iven, 18, I love stealing, it's the only way to get things for free, well hoes this is my story. "I was always a rebel @ school and no one can take me down, I didn't care what anyone thought, I did what I pleased, and I enjoyed it, I stole, I killed, I dealed, I did drugs, I got in fights, I was in a gang, but guess what? I never got caught, I was that good, haha no one gave me shit, cuz they were pussies but one day one of my "friends" rat me out for everything I did, and called the cops and showed them everything, they took me to jail and I assaulted them, they finally got me down and drugged me up and sent me to a mental ward, where there were fakeasses and butthurt faggots, I went AWOL and those bitches followed me, I lived the rebel life, I went AWOL so many times and took partners in crime, those faggots, the police chased me down and took me to prision, fuck I was done for, I got acid thrown in my place for killing my cellmate, so I was dead, atleast its better then being locked up, in that shithole, ha dats the truth, im Iven Gibson, and I am the best, waking up in hell, I was like FUCKK they be like yo my nig, im still the rebel here, and no one, I MEAN NOONE CAN FUCKING PUSH ME AROUND." (Alex Morrison) Alex, 22, was forced to do drugs when he went to his stepmoms house, cuz his parents abandoned him, she gave him every drug to survive and this is my story. "I ranaway at 15 to my friends house, I finally went to school and I got bullied, I was an outcast, no one like me, I used drugs as a solution, when things got worse, people were physically bullying me, trying to kill me, and when I got home my step mom did the same, one day all of my siblings got taken away, my baby got taken away, my things were gone cuz my stepmom gave them to "charity", everywhere I went I got laughed at, so one day I came home, all I had was my guitar and my stepmoms pills, I thought about dieing cuz I was worthless, but something stopped me, finally when my stepmom killed herself after she killed my baby, I overdosed, I was tired of this, I mean nobody cares, if I was crying everyone would point and laugh, I was helpless and alone, I woke up in the hospital, I hallucinated my brothers and sisters, then I blinked and they were gone, when no one was looking I escaped, the police got me and took me to jail, I had not realized I was the one who killed my stepmom, so in jail I fought everyone, then someone gave me a bottle of Abilify pills, and that was the end of me." (Lexi Hernandez) Lexi, 14, got in a car accident when she was 12, her aunt, uncle, and brother were the only survivers, since then ive locked myself in my room, cuz they abused me in any way they can think of, my brother tried to save me, but he committed suicide right in front of me, then they got more abusive, I cant deal with all this shit anymore, this is my story. "they treated me like shit, they emotionally and physically abused me, wouldn't take care of me, I had nothing, no food, no bed, nothing to live for, they kept me tied up in the house, locked in the basement, then they would kick me out and called the cops saying I was a runaway, since then ive been depressed, I would trash the house and cry straight on end, I wouldn't talk to no one, I couldn't sleep, all I would do is listen to my ipod, when they finally let me go into the real world, I would stay at my friends house for days, sitting in the corner, I started using drugs, my world is a blur, I attempted suicide, cutting, and dangering myself, finally I got to a point and I broke, I killed my so called family, went crazy at school, shot everything in my room, then I shot myself, im finally away from all this pain, finally." (Chrashe Rae) Chrashe, 13, got kidnapped by his ex girlfriend's family when he was 8, he stayed in there house until he was 10, his ex injected adorfine into him, since then he doesn't sleep because of repeated flashbacks, of the kidnapping, him being tortured and not being fed, being beaten, the family remains of his ex, Cherise, her boyfriend Scott and there 12 year old juvenile kid, Martin, got killed in his sleep by Cherise, and soon Scott turned to me and saved me, and I ran, when Cherise found out he drowned himself to death, this is my story. "I cant sleep, nomatter how hard I try, I cant, when I see the repressed memories, I have an episode, everyone thinks im dangerous because of what I do in public, ive become mentally unstable, everythings gotten worse, the more I don't sleep, the more I break from reality, I fight everyone cuz I think there gonna kidnap me, im doing illegal things cuz in my head there forcing me to do it, without sleep I get more agitated, one day I woke up and found Cherise by my bed side, when I stared at her she stabbed me with a knife, she couldn't take both of us being the bad guy, so I died, I don't know where I am now, but im finally safe." (Axel King) Axel, 17, got diagnosed manic depressive when he was 12 years old, "I never knew my disorder could take over me so bad, I cant function anymore, my life has been crushed to the ground, ive lost myself and cant be found, I hate not sleeping day after day, my damn moodswings and getting fucking violent and pissed off over the stupidest shit, I hate needing to do drugs or steal, I hate everything, well this is my story." "when I was 11 I got raped by my brother in the swimming pool, he left me in there to drown, my mom dragged me out and I was uncontious, when I woke up I realized something was wrong, when I got home my mood started changing by the hour, I felt hopeless, restless, defeated, the feel of killing, I went out at the house and I saw the world differently, I saw the bad in people and that's all I saw, I killed 7 people with a knife after they refused to give me what I pleased, I raped 10 people in the same swimming pool, I got in 3 fights and punched 5 people for no reason, the police came one day to investigate, and they found the bodies in my basement, they took me to jail. And then I did it, I killed myself." (David Welsh) David, 16, started joining gang after gang at what thought to be close friends but they were using me, this gang was my whole life, my only family, my real family treats me like shit, well this is my story. "when the gang kicked me out cuz I didn't pay them back 1,000 dollars, before I joined the gang I never would have became a rebel, or gone to jail 7 times, but after I got kicked out of the gang I decided to do my own thing, I committed every crime there is possible known to man, I was sneaky enough to not get caught, I went crazy after I realized I was alone and my "family" was gone, I started having episode after episode, I would go to mental hospital after mental hospital, I would get discharged one night, do something stupid and came back the same night, I couldn't control myself anymore, so finally the police came the 27th time and they put me in prision for murdering 2 families, I just wanted to try it but I was stupid, they gave me the death sentence but I was smart enough to escape out the window and live the rebel life, but then I figured one of the families was owned by one of my own gang members, so without knowing, he killed me." (Steven Torres) Steven, 18, has started feeling that someones after him, after he went to a party drunk and got raped by his ex after his ex left him, I feel like no one knows what its like to be suffering in my shoes, everywhere I go I see him, I think hes coming back to killed me cuz I killed him, I cant focus on anything, I cant have a life, it ruins me, no one gets me, its making my life a living hell, I thought killing him was good at the time, but I was wrong, I never felt so wrong, I just want to disappear, when I see him, he stabs himself brutally and makes threats to kill me and everyone I know, im sorry for what ive done, but I cant change the past, this is my story. "I killed my brother when he was only 9, cuz he broke everything I had, he stole all my money and made my parents divorce, ever since then I see him everywhere I go, I told some close people, but they didn't believe me, I tried the mental hospital, but nothing helps, so one night to get rid of this delusion that's taking over my life, that's ruining everything, and since no one loves me or cares about me, ive decided to end it all, so I tied a rope to the fan and wrapped it round my neck, and then everything went black, turnt black, turned black, WTF ever, I actually did it, I escaped." (Charlotte Johnson) Charlotte, 14, says that darkness and shame has taken over her, ive been running away from my problems and the dark feeling of shame for so long, im really running from myself, I wouldn't be here if I havnt started smoking weed, now I have all these problems hanging over me, ive built up an emotional wall and I cant break it down, its hard to tell others about my feelings cuz I cant trust them, this is my story... "theres this delusion in my head of a cannibalist, wherever I go he follows me, making threats, since then I started running from my house, from my father and Camrozz, I bring my ipod while im running down the streets, screaming, yelling, and sobbing, I met a boy, I asked for weed, but it makes me worse, I run in the rain to a church and prays, I have an addiction to running and smoking weed, when I crossed the street, a car ran over me, he jumps out of his car and does CPR on me, and drives me to the nearest hospital and they take tests and all they could find in my body, was weed, when I came out of my sleep, I have an episode and breaks out of the bed, and runs out in the rain, falling to the ground, and dies." (Connie Wells) "This is my story, Connie, 16, lost her uncle to a heartattack, she runs from her house to go live with her boyfriend Jamy, to get away from her abusive mother, Connie's father goes out searching for her and finds her smoking cigarettes in a strangers car, the stranger drives her to Jamy's house, Connie offers Jamy a cigarette, Jamy's dad Emory walks in and has a therapy session with Connie, when Connie's mother comes to pick her up, when they get in the car her mom punches her in the face, and Connie burns her arm on fire, leaving her dead mother, she runs down the block and picks up the phone, sobbing, and asks for someone to pick her up, her boyfriend comes and takes her to his house, Connie takes out a knife and tries to commit suicide, cutting herself, Jamy walks in and grabs the knife and Connie falls on the floor while Jamy wraps his arms round her, she knocks out and wakes up in a mental, paralyzed, with him behind her, next to her he finds a needle and injects it into her, and from then on she gets addicted to meth, finally killing her, everyone crowds around her and places flowers next to her hospital bed." (Chenelle Pierce) "Chenelle, 18, this is my story, she went crazy after she lost her parents, a girls dad has a heartattack and after a year of suffering she goes mentally crazy, she gets sent to the mental hospital, she gets addicted to cutting and stealing cigarettes from anywhere she can find, she tries to go AWOL when she cant take it anymore, one night she keeps having repeated delusions and dreams of this physcopathic killer whos after her, then she has repeated episodes on her new medication, she tries to fill the hole in her heart, and the pain that's eating her, she feels lonely like no one understands, she gets a call from her sister one night saying her mom got murdered, when she hears the news she goes insane and starts getting violent and throwing things, she tries to overdose but people hold her back, when they let her go she runs through the exit, in the rain, pissed and sobbing, trying to find her mom, then she runs away and finds the molester and stabs him with a knife, the police arrest her and take her in there car to ETS emergency room/mental hospital, she gets restrained and cant fall asleep, finally her parents visit her in her visions and says that their there, but shes indenial, and finally falls asleep, forever."
(PLEASE NOTE THAT THE MENTALLY WRONG SERIES IS NOT REAL, THE REST IS, ITS JUST A SERIES ABOUT 15 GIRLS, ALL THE OTHER STUFF IS REAL AND IS MY LIFE, THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT'S FAKE AND NOT REAL, THANK YOU)
STORYTIME.OVER ^.^
(TO BE CONTINUED...)
(6 xx) Insanity Becomes Reality c;
_Insanity Becomes Reality_ #6 . Mii Life Storyy :c ...(; RAGESoDEADDxcxx
{{6/11/2015, I'm Going Mad , I've Lost It All, Who Can Stop The Rain (Long Story about my troubles in Court and in the System)}}
~Fade To Grey @ 7:19 pm, Section 1/3~
"You did it you broke me now, I'm going to court, I might be taken away from my family, I go on Tuesday, it's driving me crazy and I found out this morning, I woke up to my mom making phone calls, CPS knocked on our door and gave us a court date , we get our own lawyer, this court session is about me and my family fighting for me, it's me against CPS, I'm gonna lose it all, this court session is about me, not my family , so why bring them fucking into it you stupid faggots , stupid ass bitches, I broke into pieces , couldn't get out of bed and couldn't breathe , I can't be taken away from my mom or my little brother , my grandpas gonna pass away soon and my dad is dead, my grandmas is not my real one and she's not there and she's verbally manipulative, my moms losing it , what if she becomes a drug addict or becomes abusive after I leave or goes crazy, when I go into court I'm gonna be up on the stand beggin for my life, I have no family, my aunts a bitch and not there for me, my grandparents are on the urge of dieing, my brothers turning into someone I don't know, angry abusive and disrespectful, my brother has his hormones and is really mean and is being rude and treating us like shit, IMMA punch his bitchass, and I'm gonna lose my mom and my brother, and never see them again, no family, my stepbrothers broke , has no money and living with his girlfriend, my stepsisters going crazy she doesn't have a husband and has 2 troubled kids, she doesn't have room for me and she's so stressed that shes acting different and taking it out on us, she's changed, everyone else that I've ever met doesn't give a shit, I lose everybody and I don't know why, is it because I'm to crazy and unstable and to straight up and angry, I'm always there for them but I change so they leave me or they change and leave me or I beat them up, they turn against me, and either way I lose everybody cuz I'm a mental fuck up that keeps messing up and losing friends because I do something wrong or don't notice what I'm doing or I'm going crazy or I'm so mental and autistic that no one can stand me and they know how crazy I am so they turn against me plus I have anger issues and really insane so they don't wanna be around me everything I do is wrong and I lose everybody cuz people always turn them against me and I'm a bully, and I'm mental, I'm to unstable no one can handle me, everyone leaves me but never tells me, all because I'm crazy and I'm not like the others, I can't control my anger and I'm very violent and I'm so crazy that everyone leaves me or drops me or says I'm to complicated and too high off a case no one can help or take care of me, they think I don't participate or I'm not trying or I'm to high of a case, they never cared, they all are backstabbers and no one gives a shit they don't wanna help me and they are there for the money or don't care at all cuz they all leave and do the same thing, they hurt me and they try to make me crazier and they never cared at all, not about my mom or anybody cuz everybody I've ever had leaves me, cuz I'm Sara the crazy mental girl. Everyone else that I've ever met doesn't give a shit, they have all hurt me , friends , family, EVERYONE I've ever met in my LIFE have all left me and hurt me and never cared, cuz I'm crazy and no one can handle me, even people on my treatment team or mental health workers or EVER worked with me, have all turned or dropped me, EVERYONE! That's I've ever known except my mom and brother and step sister which I'm losing. My dad tortured me to death and abused and traumatized me my WHOLE life since I was 4 and until I was 11 until he died, so I never had a father, everyone is fake and fucked up and pigs and backstabbers and they ALL leave me nomatter what, basically EVERYONE THAT IVE MET OR COME ACROSS THAT ALL of my LIFE and EVERYONE that's I've ever met, no one has stayed , everyone I've ever come across it met in my entire life has left ... 💔💔💔 now when I go away when the court detains me, I'll have nobody , nomore mommy, nomore house, nomore memories , no more normalcy or nomore routine, no more mama bear, I'm scared and I'm alone, I'm ashamed and I need you to know, I feel you, I feel you near me, I haven't said all the things that I've needed to say , and you can't take back what you have taken away, healing comes so painfully, and chills to the bones, no I can't go back, now I'm damaged and I've gone more insane than the last 5 years, of going physco and going insane, doing all the bad and dangerous things, going so crazy that I'm disconnected and nothing but a familiar face, I've been to 85 mental hospitals, from age 4 to 12 my life has been traumatic, I've got abused tortured and traumatized my whole life, I've never had a happy moment, then since 12 to 17 I've gone mentally unstable, distached from reality, lost myself and going so crazy that I went totally and completely insane, and posessed and taken over by darkness and pain that I was indeed crazy, look it up my niggas, that I've did some fucking crazy shit, and yes ivd done ALL the crazy shit, you name it and I did it, still traumatized and "not there" like I was just a monster, unleashed, my whole life has been traumatic, I've never had anything, love care and a normal life, always stuck in the dark and trapped in my traumatic past, I've never had a good part of my life, except my mom, it's all been a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from and that was my whole life, until now, I got my mom and my brother. I've done EVERY CRAZY ILLEGAL DANGEROUS PHYSCOTIC UNSAFE BAD thing YOU CAN IMAGINE. And I've been through EVERY TRAUMATIC THING YOU CAN IMAGINE from age 4 to 17, I've been through hell and traumatized and insane, but that's me. Now my therapy dog Rascal is getting old and we might have to put him down soon, another family lost, I've lost everyone except my mom , my brother, my dogs and partially my step sister, I don't care nomore, we gave Mickey our other dog away and my other dog Roxy is slowly losing it cuz she was abused and losing her mind, but I still love her and Rascal, and now my mom is soon gonna be gone forever, and my little brother, the only 2 people I have left and I'll lose all my pets and everything I've ever had, I'll be on the streets AGAIN, in a foster home, or an institution, or anywhere where I'll be alone, goin more insane then before, traumatized, and tortured, with NOONE. Nomore food mom cooks, or my puppies, or ALL the memories of the house and my entire life, everything will be gone, my whole life will be gone and never coming back and I'll have to start over again by myself, going back to my old ways, going insane, and back to the trauma the past and have a new life, but worse this time, more traumatizing and more me going insane then before, but this time with no family to run too and no one to care for me, nomore sleeping in my moms room or being protected and loved by the only one I've ever had and loved in my life, she is my life, she's my mom, she's my whole life my whole world, and the only reason I'm alive and lastly the only person that loves me and saved me and the only one that has been my whole life, the only one I know and love and I feel has been my heart and soul. My only family besides my brother , nomore joking around and having fun, nomore being a family just gonna be mom and Preston, nomore Sara, cuz again in to CRAZY and unstable and so insane that I have to leave, just like always no one can handle me, cuz no one cares no one but my mom and Preston , nomore care, nomore anything anywhere, nomore Preston and mommy and nomore old favorite life, nomore Berger Family, and most of all nomore memories and everything I've ever known , will be gone, my mom and brother will have to move to a one bedroom apartment, or out of state or faraway where I'll never see them again, and I'll never know of them or ever see them again, forever they will be gone for my life, and they will never be the same even if I do come back , they will be like nothin but numb changed people, all takin over, and they will never be the same again, nothing but dysfunctional strangers, nothing but monsters and 2 familiar faces and dead inside, and lastly me, I'll be totally worse then them, with nothing inside, 100 % more crazier and insane, that I'm an unleashed monster, an physcotic animal, I'll have no place to go, I'll be on the streets again, falling out of touch and barely there, lost inside, and taking over by nothin but out of our minds with nothing inside, taking over by posessed demons with nothing but a familiar face that has gone insane. I'll be like a street hussler like I was for 3 months but this time I'll be for the rest of my life, out losing my mind , posessed, taking over doing insane shit , I'll be completely blacked out and taking over by darkness, I went insane, I didn't know my name , so insane that I was nothing but an empty soul, it was like that for 5 years , but when I was 4 it started developing and I was never the same, I was taking over by a demon, and u became so insane I was dysfunctional, I was blocked from reality and I was blank inside, that I couldn't feel and I couldn't remember, I was insane and an animal, that was me for 5 years but this time it's 100% worse , still the same stuff but worse. Soon my mom might go crazy and develop Alzheimer's and she'll be dysfunctional and my brother will be so full of rage that he will never be the same, and then they would still have eachother and everything else. They'd still be a family be normal not the same, but still normal and together never will be ripped apart, still a functioning family, but worst of all they'll be changed people. But worst of all that I would be so absent minded and so traumatized that I would go completely insane , 100% more insane then in the last 5 years, more detached more physcotic and more dysfunctional that I'll be like a brick wall a killer, and a wild animal , dead inside, like before, then I would go back to doing insane shit, like the last 5 years, but this time 100 % worse. I'll be like out of my mind, dysfunctional and trapped in darkness , blank and damaged and lastly a physcotic posessed animal 100% more then before. I would be so OUTTA reality that I would be losin it hard, and go insane for life and never come out, get out, or go back , I'll be stuck for life, I've left my body and I'll become Liz again, and I'll be so destroyed distrucive and different and in darkness and lastly I would go physcoticly insane and out of my mind , that she would never ever come back... I'm a monster crawlin OUTTA my bed, I've totally lost it, I've become insane. Things aren't always what they seem , who can stop the rain falling, who can stop this pain that's drowning me? I'm let loose no excuse, no excuse, what's that coming over the hill? Is it a monster is it a monster? You know me I'm mind bruised and I've been damaged, so grey so grey oh I've turned so grey, cried so much I'm drained, in severe pain, mentally out of it, about to go physco again, cuz I'm becomin someone else, it's taking over me, so taken so taken, it's killin me , eating me alive, square smile on my face, all I see is darkness, I'm not in reality cuz I'm from somewhere and someone else, woken up in someone else's dream, someone else's reality, hometown looks so grey , familiar faces, I don't know anyone's name, I've been let loose , the monsters alive, now I've gone insane but that's not my name , I've been tamed, hometown looks so grey, wind blows, sounds make holes, doesn't go through, comes right back comin back comin back , I'm coming back. No destination, all the voices just burn holes, I've been chewed out alive, torn and chewed up and going crazy, where's my worry head? I will see you again oh this is not where it ends, earth was my last nights bed, the worlds been destroyed, and so have I, look at me all people see is a monster with no functionality, no I don't want it , I don't want to , not stable at all, I can't see all reality has turned into a nightmare, no don't come to close to me, you catching my fade? You've eaten out soul as I've grown to old, down into the ground, into all the arounds, just a game I'm getting sick innocent much? Guaranty day by day you can't stay by my side, getting sick getting delirious oh show me everything, land of teeze, posessed and pleased, I pleaded not for sanity, no can't go back, oh miss you lost your key, burning into the ground, eyes are empty black holes, no senses no humanity, scared scraped dead. I hope you'll understand, staring down the boulevard, fire forming, going crazy, let's go crazy as you eat me , I can't breathe I cannot hide , until your resting here with me, you left her with me, and I come back alive but this time now I'm a living nightmare, scared stare, don't be afraid , I can't believe this face, wasted all within, I am who I am I wont go I won't sleep, im just resting, I won't see my sleepy misunderstood eyes, dance bitch dance cuz the monsters alive cuz she's just resting, I need justice to be free until your resting here with me I'll do what I want, and I won't go, I'll slide behind my mysterious smile and these drowned dopey eyes and I won't be , I will not be , I am what I am, doesn't smell or seek like humanity I'll slide when I want when I win. I cannot be ? A scared soul through the eyes of a child, I have no name , I can't remember anything. Do you remember the days? What if mom turns out the same way, you see what you believe, now watch me lie in my own pain now I have no time, I'm wild, lets go lemme give a show I'll do it slow ,Ive been waiting all night now , I know I got to be right now, go ape shit, that that that don't kill me, I need you right now, go fuckin ape shit. I'll bake it can't tell who made this , I need you to hurry up now, baking takes my own life, put me in your fun now time tonight , smiles on the missing town, when the times right, I need you right now. Lost right now don't act like I never told you, I can't get much older, man I need you right now, make it better, got no time to lose oh it's never over, nothing to lose when earth was last nights bed, do it faster it kills us slower, it's never over. Cuz like I said I haven't been fed to the window to the wall daylight coming, losing control, waiting much to long, you be trippin till tomorrow I see daylight but is nighttime and we're losing control turn it down. Looking through an empty soul I'm all burnt out, we're all tourn up , getting blown gotta go turnit to the floor , I've gone insane and lost control so shattered never stop never stop make it hot turn the lights down burn it down, we're so blown and losing control, turn the lights out we're losing control batteries died I lost interest you'll get left behind I believe that you believe it , it feels like running with your eyes closed if you you forget who your supposed to be, thrown away when the batteries died, just to get to the other side, if your not conviced you'll get left behind, it's always for the best, when you lost it you've lost your mind I don't believe that yo can really see it, believe what you believe . You'll see what you believe , cuz I've totally went completely insane , in a fun place for all the ones who , lost there minds, the animals alive and I've gone insane. Let's go back to hell let's go back to it all with your eyes closed, you can continue but you won't get very far cuz I've officially lost my mind and all control here I come. Now you see who I'm rally supposed to be. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️"
~Where Do I Go , Not Sure If I Know Cuz I'm Still Searching @ 8:32 pm, Section 2/3~
"6/12/2015 @ 10:56 pm 💋💋💋💋💋💋💔✌️
Sometimes my mind kills me ❤️💔👌💕🙊💯
Going to court on Tuesday. #fuckitthuglife
😘❤️✌️
I'm gonna end up on the streets again ✌️ I literally will go insane like I've been insane for 5 years. I'm one of the craziest, but you know me, I'll stick through the bullshit, cuz even if I have no one, I got me 😘💋💯💔✋ #fuckthebullshit #crazybitch
Fuck the police, hussler on the streets, homie idgaf 💔💯💕👌😌
I'm gonna become a stoner again 💯✌️😂 I have no reason , I have no love, bitch I'm ridin solo, && I'm one crazy one, but I'm real, you feel me? Homie I got game 💯😘💕👌💊
This is my home , with my mama . 💕❤️💞✌️😍
If I leave her, then I'll be a hussler again, I'm home && I got my life back on track, but if I lose my mom, then look out, IMMA go insane again, get me the fuck out. The only one I've ever had is my mom EVeRYONE else left me, am I that crazy???? 💋💔✌️💯 #duecesbitches
Don't touch the bitch, she's off limits 💯👊✌️😂😂😂😂
-One Day On The Streets, A Little Bit Of My Past - (random post about my past of the day)
😘❤️✌️😍✋💔💕😂😂😂😂😂
Walking on Hidden Valley && I found a half eaten BigMac on the floor, I was losing control cuz 3 cop cars were chasing me && I stole a pack of BudLite && I remember good times with Officer Ramirez lol, he just kept on arrestin' me he knew me pretty well, he always drove me to Juvie, then I was on the run again and ended up losing control and went to ETS, I was homoscidal and Ramirez kept on laughing and I always said "shut the fuck up or I'll stab your beautiful face" he would always hug me even if the first time I met him he tazed me and I attacked him && pulled out his gun && went insane. That time I was attempting to murder some dumb bitches && then I never succeeded. Cuz I knew I was better then that && I'm not stupid, I'm not going to prison for murder , stupid hynas, plus I have a mom at home, but I would never go back cuz I always had my physcotic episodes there && stealing her pills && liquor and was posessed by Johnny most of the time. But I've grown from that, I don't have to take showers in public bathrooms anymore by using water, soap , && paper towels, no more attemped killing, no more gang banging, no more fighting, no more doin any of the illegal stuff, cuz I have a mom now, && the streets now got nothin on me, I'd never hurt my mom, && that's the fucking truth, post about my past of the day . Gnight 💋✌️💯❤️😘👌😍
When I was on the streets there were these wanna be cholos , making there firecrackers go off, and kept trying to come at me 😂😂😂 I'm like bitch, back tf' up before a kill your wannabe gangster ass , like I said don't fuck with me , it's for yo safety homita 😍👊💕✌️😘💯
homie i dont give a fucc bout yo ass, idgaf what bitches think cuz I don't fuck with you, you have beef with me tell it to my face, you scary ass hoe. You wanna fight me? Come up on me, but i won't start shit cuz I'm not a pussy nigga just lookin for attention , I ain't scary, I don't start shit cuz that's fuckin lame, you just desperate tryin to fuck with everyone you see and tryna start shit with everybody so you look like your a bad bitch. Lmfao fuck people 👏🙌😂😂😂😂💯
I don't sugarcoat shit, if you ask for my opinion I'll give it to you straight up but then y'all get all butthurt, like nigga you asked why ya trippin??, 🙌👌👏💯✌️😂😂😂😂😂😭😭😭
Until your on the streets you don't know shit bout reality, you'll get fucked up in a second, scary nigga keep playin yo game, but you don't know what's real until you a street hussler, they don't play no game, no ones friendly, just out doin bad shit you fucc with them , you'll get shot , you think your so gangster , your not, second you enter the streets yo ass be runnin' if you think it's fun to be on the streets, homie you trippin , that's when shit gets real, fucc with the wrong nigga you'll be shot dead, try me, I know I was on it for 3 months, niggas don't play around, I knew my sorrondings and I know how to keep my game, you fuck with me you fuck with a murderer, y'all wanna be gangsters be runnin' , you wanna get real , try the hood life, you wouldn't make it one day. For real 💯👏🙌🙌🙌🙌😂😂😂😂👌💋
I don't want to live away from my mom she's my only family, if I never see her again and I'm still searching, searching for someone, as the cops drag me away, I can't even say goodbye, my mom waves one last time, the hurt in my eyes in my heart is hard to bare, the hurt in my body and soul makes me wired, and tired, I always asked you if I as nice to you, and if we could get Starbucks and icecream, if I lose you I lose everything, all sanity, don't waste your time . If I go to live with Laura , my mom will be on my mind , nightmares your love is to high, lol turn out worse then before, what is that for? I can't sleep without my mom by my side, I'm attached to my mom, to her hip like the embelical chord was never cut, I'm so close and obsessed with my mom, it's crazy I've never been without her even tho I was insane and on my own is because I pushed her away , besides along time ago but she's been here the whole time even when I was on the streets locked up and going insane she was still there but I was to insane to see it, but she was there. On Tuesday is my court date, until then I've been far from alright, so depressed and losing my mind, I will miss you don't go please, don't got, what will I do I can't imagine life without you, since I found out I've gotten sick and very stressed, I've not been myself , pretending I'm okay is hard, it's hard to fake a smile but I'm scared for my life, can't even talk or have an open minded thought , I'm so scared that I've been silent and not doing anything, just crying and wishing this would never happen, I know my mom said she will take care of it, but she has no control, I can't handle it this fear is eating me alive, I don't know what to do everything seems blank, everything seems unreal, pray I dont have to go cuz God I know you can hear me , I've been praying to you constantly I can't do this ! Don't take me away! It's making me mental , I don't feel he same, I don't feel like Sara anymore. I'm so depressed , I love my mom I'm scared, it never ends, my minds a nightmare, I'm so scared it's sickening , help me I can't live with someone else, please I'm scared, afraid to lose I can't even talk or laugh, depressed and I feel empty, and sad and I feel like someone's after me, mental state gotten worse, scared of myself, seeing things, I cannot speak im traumatized and I'm scared I can't talk , nothing sounds good to me, I don't feel alright or like doing anything I don't feel alive I just want to die , I don't feel like living, gotta stop breathing, I'm scared and this house seems empty, I feel sick I don't feel good, not like myself, I CANT DO THIS! I need my mom , I can't stop hurting or cry crying, I'm not okay I need a family, I'm so sad I feel different, it's not the same I've been quiet all day and so depressed that I'm so hurt, that I can't feel happy, or I just feel numb and hurt, I'm scared I can't stop crying! HELP ME IM SCARED HELP ME, this can't be real, I'm not happy, I'm so upset I can't hold it together, I'm sad all that tine, I need my mom I'm completely numb, I can't feel anything, and I don't wanna do anything, I'm freaking out, I'm anxious and manic, nothing feels like, my mom is all I want she's my life, I'm depressed and everything is scary, I really don't feel good I feel like I'm in a nightnare, I'm scared of everything around never, I'm not happy I can't feel, I don't feel good HElP ME MOM IM SO NUMB, all I see is black, numb to the bone can't be left alone, I need you mom I'm getting sick, dealthy sick, I feel like crawling out of my skin , I feel like a nightmare, I don't feel the same, HELP ME, nothing is the same, I don't feel good I feel likeik on acid or on Topamax, I feel like a do at nighttime really bad, I'm gonna have an episode, need u mom, I'm soup, and shapes scare me, in a non realistic type of way; I try to live a normal life, but I seriously physcically mentally cant,, my mind is wired and dysfunctional, it's blocking me from reality, it's like I'm trapped, my brain blocks out and blacks It out and destroys it, like something went wrong; it can't something stops it from working, my brain can't let me live a normal life or process anything, blocked and won't go through, like it's stuck I can't be alone or in a small room it doesn't loon realistic and that's why I can't live a normal life . We gotta stay together, it's all an illusion, I am obsessed with my own wired head, down down down in your heart, turn turn turn we can do it alright, I need a lawyer so I can go to UCI for 3 months, if they take me away I will go crazy on all the people in the court, punch and hurt the security guards, they take my mom and brother and tell them they need to leave , they drag them out, I go wild on everybody and they call the cops, I pull out there gun and shoot, go crazy, in reatraints, tazed and injected with a needle, and they arrest me and got sent to Juvie, since I went so insane, more then the last 5 years, I become more crazy and get taken away, as I beat up everybody and mainly the security guards, they knock me out, my mom and brother see me and hear me, they go home crying and worried about me, I went insane again, got posessed and became out of control, I could have killed people or myself, I'm tortured inside, please don't take me aw y I need my mom it's making me stressed and ILL, HELP! I'm in Dr Lees office right now, I'm on Lactose it helps me go to the bathroom and take big shits 😂😂😂, I'm the one that's gonna be taken away in court so don't be surprised if I got out of control, I'm living with my mama bear,I'm more sick then mommy and Preston because there gonna be together living there lives as a family, while I'm all alone being taken away and getting worse and losing control and going insane, I'm away from my family I'll be tortured and alone, with stupid bitches. It's not gonna help don't you understand? If I get taken away I'll go completely insane, and I'll never come back from it, I'll be worse then before, edi reported... I understand if I can't go hope, but it's true oh please don't be true, your making me lose it all, I've been silent all along since I found out the news, I've been losing control and getting worse, don't be sorry, I'll have you with me I'll hold you with me, help me I'll be gone soon, don't you understand that I'm in chains , I'm faraway, ms Susie out of the blue, tell me what I can do, help me don't wanna run, save me tell me what I can do , take me down make me round run run run all around, take me down don't wanna run just for the fun, ms Susie out of the blue tell me what I can do, help me I can get through, help me get through, don't you understand I've been quiet and numbed down my senses no senses, no talking I'm not myself, I've been silently losing my mind,, not in reality, just depressed as before when Daddy died, gone more crazy, more insane. 💊💊💊💊💊🍻🍻🍻☺️🍻🍻👏🙌✌️💉💉💉💉🔫🔫🔫"
~Court Session on 6/16/2015 5:00 am && 7:00 am, Are You Ready Bitches? @ 1:40 AM, Section 3/3~
I'm so fucking nervous about court tomorrow, I'm struggling, please help me, I don't know what to do anymore, fuck my life 🔫✌️💯👌💕
All ready for court today , I will behave, we leave at 7:30 am and we're gonna talk about my safety and if I get locked away or taken away, I got my glasses on && Homie you chill, I'm fuckin nervous, hopefully I don't act out and they have to man handle me, IMMA get my "thugs" on you, Houston we have a problem. Lmfao 😂😂😂😂😂👏🍻 anyway if I go away IMMA go 100% insane then before in the last 5 years, hopefully it all goes well, the courthouse is on Country Farm Road by the Juvenile Hall and ETS, IMMA go crazy , might go to treatment but I'm that crazy and high maintenance and too unstable and insane that I can't stop it but I'm uncontrollable, doesn't mean I can't get better, wish me luck 💕💋🙌💔🍻🔫❤️, At the courthouse, about to await my trial , I've done some pretty crazy things plus I've been in trouble with the law and very dangerous, I've been waiting here since 7:30 am, now it's 10:44 am, still be trippin, I hope I don't go off on the judge , I'm in J11, haven't met the lawyer yet but I'm nervous cuz I have been unstable && I just want them to meet my needs, I think I see Cesar , anyway I read the summary of my offense and damn I have a lot on there, I ate scrambled eggs, English muffin, and I brought my stuff but I woke up at 5:00 am, I'm fuckin scared hope my crazy ass doesn't get locked up , pray pray pray, btw this court is by ETS emergency room && by Juvie, I won't let you in again break away from something more, won't be going in.... 💞🍻😘❤️💕❤️✌️
You'll remember me for centuries <3333 cx ❤️💕👌💖💋 me before I left for court 🙌🍻😭😍👏.
Some days I just be waiting, I just be wishing, life wouldn't be so hard, very hard to remember, we are here to poison you, I'm the opposite of amnesia, it's all it will take, all I can take, copy and paste, broke down and now your out, never give it back, give in and steal , I watch you and I still don't know why.... By me 💕💋💊😓😓😓😓 all dressed up for court before I left, remind you niggas, cut yo shit.. 💯👌😭😭😭😭.
This trial is bullshit, lies lies lies, IMMA fuck you up , if u don't know what your talking bout or the facts then shut the fuck up, getcho facts straight 💯❤️🙌👏✌️😂😂😂😂 its 12:03 pm and we were here first, I met my lawyer a girl and a guy, Phil (I call him Dr Phil. Or Phillip Phillips) I got my own copy of the summary, it's pretty chill here 😘
-at Riverside Surperior Courthouse.
(to be continued)
THE END !!!!
Nothinn' Compared To ragexC~
(OKAY THIS IS MY PHYSC EVALUATION FROM COPPER HILLSxx)
Copper Hills
Youth Center
5899 West Rivendell Drive
West Jordan, Utah 84088
PATIENT:
MEDICAL RECORD #:
DATE OF ADMISSION:
DATE OF BIRTH:
AGE:
SEX:
DATE OF EVALUATION:
ATTENDING PHYSICIAN:
PSYCHOLOGIST:
Sara Berger
005295
05/30/2012
05/20/1998
14:3
Female
08/23/2012
Jerome Vance, M.D.
David H Gambles, Ph.D.
PSYCHOLOGICAL SERVICES CONSULTATION
Diagnostic Evaluation
REASON FOR REFERRAL
The Copper Hills treatment team has requested that a psychological consultation be conducted with Sara Berger to assist with diagnostic considerations and continued treatment planning. Significant background information is available in Sara's medical chart and will not be repeated in its entirety in this report. The reader is referred to the medical chart for detailed background information.
BACKGROUND INFORMATION
IDENTIFICATION
Sara is a 14-year-3-month old Caucasian young lady from Riverside, California. Sara has been admitted to Copper Hills Youth Center's Residential Treatment program due to a long-standing pattern of self-endangering, impulsive, emotionally reactive, ungovernable behavior.
HISTORY OF CURRENT PROBLEMS
Prior to her admission to Copper Hills, Sara had been diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder Type I, most recent episode mixed, severe with psychotic features. Sara reports that she has experienced auditory hallucinations since the age of nine. Her mother indicated that Sara did not report this to her until her father passed away suddenly in their home early in 2011. Mrs. Berger reports that Sara's reports of her hallucinations grew in frequency and complexity over the months following her father's death. She currently reports detailed auditory and visual hallucinations and possible out of body experiences wherein she is chased by a figure that would kill her if she does not kill someone else. The descriptions of these hallucinations can become sophisticated and detailed. She also arrived at Copper Hills with the diagnosis of Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder.
Sara has a longstanding history of shifting wide mood swings, nearly total isolation for days at a time, aggression and aggression in treatment placements toward staff. She has exhibited frank poor judgment, risky stimulation seeking impulsive behavior and astonishing lack of concern for personal safety. She reports uncontrollable sexual urges. She reports recent homicidal and suicidal ideation, but contracts with me for safety. Sara has a recent history of being AWOL from treatment facilities. Due to these difficulties and past attempts to exits her mother's care during transports; she was transported to Copper Hills via secure transport.
In addition to Sara's history of ADHD she has been diagnoses with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. She has reported some use of marijuana, ecstasy and liquor.
Reports indicate that Sara has made false allegations of sexual abuse. She has reported to have been the recent victim of sexual abuse an allegations the California department of Child Protective Services and the police found to be without merit.
PSYCHIATRIC HISTORY
Sara has been in treatment at Aurora Charter Oaks Hospital in Corona, California. She has also been at the University of California Irvine Loma Linda Center. She has had multiple outpatient visits in Riverside County, California. She has also had five acute case admissions in the last six months, by report.
SUBSTANCE ABUSE HISTORY
Sara reports significant experimentation with multiple substances. Notable she has abused ecstasy and alcohol.
LEGAL HISTORY
Currently no formal legal involvements are indicated in past records or Sara's self-disclosures. Besides the 30 calls to 911 for uncontrollable and violent behavoir, mental breakdown, or physcotic episodes.
MENTAL STATUS EXAMINATION
Sara was dressed in a causal, age appropriate manner during her appointments with the examiner. She made good eye-contact. She was immediately inquisitive of the examiner. While she was cooperative and verbal, she demonstrated a notably fast personal tempo. She interacts with hyperverbosity, tangential connections between ideas and flight of ideas. She acknowledged and demonstrated racing thoughts. Her speech delivery was pressured. Often emotions and statements were incongruent. Yet, Sara presented as socially confident and with some patience working with her was overall pleasant. Nevertheless she could be demanding, avoidant and entitled. Her expressive and receptive language abilities were at least within normal limits. She was alert and fully oriented. Her thought processes were rapid, coherent and tangential. Thought content was conventional with no express bizarreness. General reality testing was god and she demonstrated full orientation during meetings with the examiner. Her mood was expansive and labile, but mostly elevated. Her abstract reasoning was mostly intact, however was occasionally hampered by reduced concentration. During conversations and questioning Sara was readily distracted, but could easily be redirected. During pencil and paper portions of the assessment process Sara's attention to task at hand was poor and required redirection. But once focused Sara had good concentration. Sara's immediate judgment was generally good, however her ability to predict likely outcomes for herself related to potential poor decisions was notably poor and far below what would be predicted based on her estimated intellectual ability; rending her judgment poor and insight primitive. Sara appears conflicted regarding her willingness to fully participate in her current treatment program and seemed mostly focused on a way out of treatment rather than coming to any benefit from it. Sara expresses a difficult in trusting authority figures.
ASSESSMENT PROCEDURES
Review of available past records
Mental Status Examination
Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children - 4th Edition (WISC-IV)
Wide Range Achievement Test-Fourth Edition (WRAT-4)
Millon Adolescent Clinical Inventory (MACI)
Young Mania Rating Scale (YMRS)
Weinberg Screening Affective Scale (WSAS)
Mood Disorders Questionnaire (MDQ)
Multidimensional Anxiety Symptom Checklist (MASC)
Rorschach Comprehensive System
TESTING RESULTS
INTELLECTUAL DEVELOPMENT
Sara was initially cooperative with intelligence testing tasks. After a few subtests she indicated that she had recently taken the same test. This was researched and she was correct; the test had been administered about one year ago and remained valid. There were some concerns regarding her performance on some of the subtests of the earlier testing. In order to resolve these concerns, those subtests were re-administered. The current results are considered to be currently valid, but due to current levels of distress are likely to be somewhat under-representative of Sara's actual intellectual ability.
Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children - 4th Edition (WISC-IV): The WISC-IV is a lengthy, comprehensive, individually administered measure of a wide range of cognitive and intellectual abilities. It has been shown to be one of the most valid and reliable measure of intelligence. It provides a profile of intellectual strengths and weaknesses and is particularly useful in providing information necessary to determining learning style and learning ability deficits. The following table displays the results of Sara's WISC-IV in terms of full scale IQ and subtest domain scores. Scores are displayed in a metric directly comparable to the results of achievement testing, with means equal to 100 and standard deviation equal to 15.
Table 1: Sara's Full Scale WISC-IV Results
Standard Score
Percentile Rank
Descriptive Category
Verbal Comprehension
89
23
Low Average
Perceptual Reasoning
75
5
Borderline
Working Memory
86
18
Low Average
Processing Speed
88
21
Low Average
Full Scale IQ
80
9
Low Average
* Calculated estimates
The WISC-IV indicates that Sara's overall intellectual ability is within the Low Average range and at the 9th percentile. According to WISC-IV data Sara's relative intellectual strength is her verbal comprehension ability, which is at an IQ standard score of 89 and within the Low Average range.
Sara demonstrated significant relative weakness in perceptual reasoning ability. This indicates a fundamental weakness in serial reasoning, quantitative reasoning and visual spatial representation. Individuals with similar deficit might have difficulty with novel problem solving and predicting outcomes.
ACADEMIC DEVELOPMENT
Wide Range Achievement Test-Fourth Edition: The WRAT-4 is an individually administered, reliable, and valid measure of academic achievement. It has been shown to measure the knowledge and academic skills an individual has gained as a result of formal and informal education. While an IQ test can be thought of as a measure for what a person can learn, an achievement test measures what academic information they have learned. Achievement tests can be useful in providing information to assist in determining the nature or existence of individual learning disabilities.
Sara was administered the Wide Range Achievement Test-Fourth Edition soon after her admission to Copper Hills. Sara's achievement testing results indicate that her overall achievement is at an average standard score of 88, which corresponds to the 21st percentile rank. These results are consistent with Sara's overall IQ score of 84. The following chart exhibits the results of Sara's achievement testing.
Table 2: WRAT-4 Results
Subtest
Standard
Score
Percentile Rank
Grade Equivalent
Word Reading
83
3
3.8
Sentence Comprehension
73
4
3
Spelling
80
9
3.5
Math Computation
76
5
3.7
Reading Composite
76
5
-
Average
75*
5.2*
-
*calculated estimates (not including reading comp.)
Achievement testing is mostly consistent with the results of intelligence testing, indicating that Sara has benefitted from formal education, possibly, in spite of a lack of formal, active participation.
PERSONALITY DEVELOPMENT
Millon Adolescent Clinical Inventory (MACI): The MACI is a 160 item, 31 scale, self-report inventory designed to assess adolescent personality characteristics and clinical syndromes. It was specifically designed for use in clinical, residential, and correctional settings. It is useful for developing diagnoses, assisting in treatment planning, and can be helpful in analyzing treatment outcome.
The designers of the MACI created "validity" items which together make up validity scales which indicate the test taker's response style or attitude toward testing. Sara's response style indicates that she completed this inventory in a manner that suggests she was exaggerating symptoms and complaining for the purposes of indulging in self-pity. At the same time her responses also convey feelings of extreme vulnerability. Adolescent with similar validity score profiles tend to be under a current episode of acute turmoil and their responses are meant as an anxious plea for help owing to an inability to cope with stress. This will tend to result in somewhat exaggerated clinical scores. The following interpretation of her profile was done with this in mind.
Personality Patterns: Testing results indicate a fairly severe level of disturbance in Sara's personality development. She probably has a checkered history of disappointments in her personal and family relationships. Deficits in peer relationships are notable, as well as a tendency to precipitate self-defeating vicious cycles. Earlier hopes for how she thought her life would be seem to her to be destroyed. She feels her attempts to obtain a comfortable life have failed. Although she is usually able to function on a generally satisfactory basis day-to-day, she regularly experiences periods of marked emotional, cognitive, or behavioral dysfunctions. There are indications of great affective and interpersonal instability in Sara's personality structure.
There is a great deal of expressed and objectively assessed uncertain in Sara related to her sense of self. She is confusion regarding identity, ideals and priorities. Her current self-concept is a vague collection of segmented and fragmented pieces that tend to flux with her emotional upheavals and present environment.
Sara appears to have learned to prefer a simple, isolated, and spiritless life pattern in which she mostly avoids contact with others. She appears to be largely indifferent to normal adolescent aspirations. She appears to be disengaged from and uninterested in most of the rewards of active peer relationships. By restricting her social and emotional involvement so severely, she may effectively perpetuate a life of isolation and loneliness. This pattern often leaves the adolescent particularly vulnerable to basing their self-concept more on imagined experiences that any real experience. They are particularly vulnerable to an over-responsiveness to their own imagination and can become over-reliant on imagined events for a sense of life-purpose or a sense of belonging.
Expressed Concerns: On the MACI Sara expresses, over and over, how very unhappy with and confused she is with her life. She lacks a clear idea of her future. She seems unfocused regarding what is important to her. Her inability to clarify her self-concept and determine a direction for her future may be the impetus for her withdrawal and diffuse form of acting out and resentful behavior.
Although problems with peers are common during adolescence, Sara is finding these relationships to be far more painful than most. She is quick to experience rejection and actual may find solace in social isolation. She may also retreat from family. The poignancy of her own emotions and struggles leaves her coolly insensitive to the welfare of others.
The normal turbulence of family relationships in early adolescence is greatly magnified in Sara's case. She appears to find her family a source of tension and conflict and a place to unleash tension and conflict. There is a general feeling of estrangement and a lack of mutual understanding. Conflicts within the home appear to take up much of her emotional energy and are likely to be a central focus of her expressed difficulties.
Clinical Syndromes: Sara experiences periods of unconstrained energy, hyperdistractibility, and flights of ideas in which intense and contrary thoughts and energies are discharged recklessly. She exhibits restlessness and impulsivity in an erratic sequence characterized by both exploitive actions and hostile behaviors. One moment she may present a saucy and seductive manner; minutes later, incited by either an inner stimulus or an outer provocation, she may become thoughtlessly enraged and heedlessly belligerent. These quickly discharged impulses intensify her difficulties in an ever-increasing spiral of vicious cycles within family and other social settings.
Alcoholism or drug abuse could become (or are) a major problem for this troubled young woman. Anxious, lonely, and socially apprehensive, she is likely to find drugs or alcohol temporarily, but significantly, reduces her tensions and fears, provides brief moments of enhanced self-esteem, and enables quick resolution of the psychological pain to which she is routinely exposed.
Individuals with similar MACI profiles find it difficult to comply with external constraints or the expectations of authorities.
Over an extended period of time, this socially uncomfortable and lonely adolescent has experienced symptoms of dejection and discouragement. Blue, lacking in self-esteem, and perpetually prone to melancholy she has become increasingly pessimistic about her future. Whatever few pleasures she had previously enjoyed have diminished to meaninglessness.
Rorschach Inkblot Test: The Rorschach Ink Blot Test is a psychological test in which subjects' perceptions of inkblots are recorded and then analyzed using complex algorithms. The test is used to examine an individual's personality characteristics and emotional functioning. It has been employed to detect underlying thought disorder, especially in cases where patients are reluctant to describe their thinking processes openly. The test is named after its creator, Swiss psychologist Hermann Rorschach. The Exner scoring system was used in the interpretation of Sara's profile.
The creators and researchers of the Rorschach have developed validity indicators to determine the validity of results. In Sara's case validity indicators suggested that the results were valid and reliable.
Tolerance of Stress: Rorschach testing results suggest that Sara appears to be at considerable risk for being flooded by affect and overwhelmed by more emotion than she can tolerate. This emotional overload is likely to be interfering with her ability to think before she acts, and is likely to be creating difficulties in maintaining attention and concentration, but is very likely to be also be impairing the adequacy of her decision making. Her affective chaos makes her susceptible to losing ideational and behavioral control; as a consequence, she may think and/or act impulsively.
Interpersonal Relationships: Sara appears to have limited ability to manage interpersonal relationships in a comfortable and rewarding manner. As a consequence of inadequate social skills (a deficit possibly not immediately apparent), Rorschach results suggest that she tends to opt for superficial and transient relationships and backs away from involved or prolonged relationships out of concern that they will make more demands on her than she can handle. In addition, her social ineptness may make her vulnerable to experiencing embarrassment and failure in social situations and to being ignored or rejected by others who see her as a distant, guarded, and ineffective person. Individuals with this pattern of deficient coping can frequently benefit from treatment focused on interpersonal anxiety reduction and social skills training.
Ideation: Sara is less likely than most people to experience intrusive ideation over which she has little control. Generally speaking, she displays an adaptive capacity to think logically and coherently. She is as capable as most people of this age of coming to reasonable conclusions about relationships between events and of maintaining a connected flow of associations in which ideas follow each other in a comprehensible manner. This is not a Rorschach result typically associated with psychotic thought processes.
Self Perception: Sara is not paying sufficient attention to herself and may even be purposefully avoiding self-focus. An inclination to ignore oneself in this way often derives from a low estimate of one's personal worth. Accordingly, she may be comparing herself unfavorably to other people, whom she regards as being more able, more attractive, more talented, and generally more worthwhile than she is.
Sara demonstrates a limited capacity to identify comfortably with real people in her life. Instead, she appears inclined to identify with partial objects, imaginary figures, or people who do not regularly participate in her everyday real world. As a consequence, she may encounter difficulty in establishing a clear and stable sense of her personal identity. She may display some identity diffusion and some inaccurate notions about herself. Furthermore, her difficulties in identifying with others in non-objectified ways are likely to contribute to misguided decision making, ineffective problem solving, and strained interpersonal relationships.
Affect: Testing results indicate that Sara is clinically depressed and prone to periods of atypically elevated mood.
CLINICAL SYNDROME ASSESSMENTS
Young Mania Rating Scale (YMRS): The YMRS is an 11-item scale used to assess the severity of mania in children and adolescents ages 5-17. YMRS has been used in clinical practice since 1978. Ratings are based on child/adolescent self-reporting and clinician observation. It has been found, when used by clinicians, to be valid and reliable.
Sara's total score on the YMRS was 44. The clinical cut-off score is 39. This indicates that Sara's rated behavior is above the clinical cut-off for adolescents with bipolar disorder. The following symptoms were indicated: Elevated inappropriate mood, motor excitement, continuous hyperactivity, intensity of interests and acts, decreased need for sleep, irritability, pushed or pressured speech, questionable plans regarding the future, assaultive and destructive behavior, and lack of insight regarding inappropriateness of above behaviors.
Weinberg Screening Affective Scale (WSAS): The WSAS is a 56-item, self-report scale that has been normed for children and adolescents ages 7-17. It is a brief self-report measure. It has a recent history of use, but studies indicate it is reliable and valid for use in differentially diagnosing affective disorders. In Sara's case it was administered in an interview format.
The result of the WSAS was that there was a High probability that Sara's mood symptoms and behavioral features are reflective of a bipolar depression versus a unipolar depression.
Mood Disorders Questionnaire (MDQ): The MDQ is a 15-item yes/no tool created to measure mood symptoms and differential diagnose mood disorders. Although it was developed for adults, when administered to adolescents who are older than age 12 and can answer the questions in an informed manner it has been shown to be efficacious. It can also be administered as a repeated measure to assess treatment outcome. It was initially constructed to assist primary healthcare providers in differently diagnose between unipolar depression, bipolar depression and organic mania.
The results of the MDQ indicate that Sara's mood symptoms best fit that of a bipolar disorder rather than a major depressive disorder or induced mania.
CONCLUSIONS
Sara appeared to be motivated to do her best on testing task. She was cooperative and compliant. The WISC-IV indicates that Sara's overall intellectual ability is within the Low Average range and at the 9th percentile. In spite of apparent recent "misses" in her education experience, Sara has gained academic knowledge at level consistent with her tested intellectual ability.
Personality testing results indicate a fairly severe level of disturbance in Sara's personality development. Deficits in peer relationships are notable, as well as a tendency to precipitate self-defeating vicious cycles. She has a confused self-concept. She has isolated herself. She reflects a pattern associated with preferring imagined experiences to real experiences.
Sara is struggling with relationships. Family relationships are likely to be particularly strained.
Sara is experiencing the symptoms of a clinical bipolar disorder. She experiences periods of unconstrained energy, hyperdistractibility and flights of ideas. She experiences intense and contrary thoughts and energies which are discharged recklessly. She is restless, impulsivity and erratic.
Alcohol abuse and substance abuse could become a major problem for her.
Rorschach testing results suggest that Sara appears to be at considerable risk for being flooded by affect and overwhelmed by more emotion than she can tolerate. She has a limited ability to manage interpersonal relationships. Her current struggles appear to be unrelated to a psychotic process. What though mismanagement she is experiencing is likely related to bipolar disorder.
Additionally the Rorschach points out that she is not naturally introspective.
DIAGNOSTIC IMPRESSIONS
(based on this evaluation only)
AXIS I: Bipolar I Disorder, most recent episode mixed,
Severe with psychotic features
Oppositional Defiant Disorder
Cannabis Abuse
Ecstasy Abuse
AXIS II: Development of Cluster B features: Histrionic and Borderline features.
AXIS III: Deferred
AXIS IV: Psychosocial and Environmental Problems: Recent treatment in other institutions, relationship problems, father passed away about 18 months ago.
AXIS V: Admitting Global Assessment of Functioning: 29
Current GAF: 33
RECOMMENDATIONS
Sara is unlikely to seek and follow through with treatment voluntarily. She would clearly prefer to be left alone, but would very quickly return to previous levels of functioning. She current represents a significant risk to herself in terms of protecting her own welfare. It is clear that Sara struggles to maintain motivation to live a lifestyle and to make choices that will assist her in being safe and reaching her best potential. Current Sara could not be appropriately treated in any less restrictive setting. Psychiatric monitoring will be required to assist Sara in reaching her best levels of emotional stability.
Those who will be working with Sara may want to consider the following treatment recommendations.
Family therapy to assist Sara and her mother in developing effective strategies to foster a progressive return to her home. Assistance in fostering appropriate family structure and effective strategies to increase Sara's ability to experience a sense of belonging, security and affiliation in her home. It is clear that Sara's mother could serve as a good coach and mentor as she progresses through the next developmental stages of her life.
Guidance in passing through the healthy stages of mourning.
Firm, but supportive communication will be needed to assist Sara in gaining the coping strategies she will need to better cope with upcoming stressors.
Sara will need to learn decision making strategies based on rational, logical thinking. Develop strategies in moving away from emotionally reactive and disconnected ways of coping with distress. She will need to learn and practice cognitive techniques to assist her in analyzing the relationship between her thoughts, behaviors and outcomes.
Medication monitoring is of extreme importance as is good diet and exercise.
Sara's therapist may need to guide her and her mother through the processes of determining the importance of medication in Sara's situation. It may be helpful for both to keep in mind that while there are potential side-effects associated with medications, there are certain side-effects associated with not fully and effectively treating mental illness.
Rote memorization of social and behavioral strategies with regular follow-up in cognitive-behavior therapy sessions can be very helpful. Examples are "Give to Get," or "Focus on what you want not when you want it" and other techniques common to DBT therapies.
It will be critical for Sara to develop and refine a coherent and enduring self-concept, complete with priorities, guiding philosophies, ideals, hopes, dreams and future goals.
-Don't Be Sane Go Loze Yo MindxX-
6/23/14.dont.wanna.be.bothered.
That's not true, I can't take control of my life, no I don't agree, I try to deal with it but it gets worse , sorry I can't deal with it, I've tried, now I'm done. what are some things that are bothering you today? well where should I start? I'll list em' all for ya, me being nothing but a screwup to everyone, a failure of exsistance, having flashbacks of my past, missing my daddy and how crazy and mentally ill I am, no one gets me , no one understands or supports me , I'm all done in my struggle trying to fight but now I'm giving up, my hallucinations and my other self is taking over me, I've lost myself in a dark place, I can't stand it anymore, everything's changed I can't even recognize myself anymore, my family, can't even say we're even a family anymore, my life is falling apart peace by peace , I'm not safe anywhere, why can't I be normal? not crazy? answer that , nothing's the same , you see, me , I can't tell who I am, I don't know who I am? do you, you bitch Cx 6/24/14.DamnDatRage.NoTimeFoCreatureDreamsxc ... I should have took the pills when I had the chance, stick my bone, stab my skin, break me take me, lose my mind, kill me , kill me , kill me , now set me free. 6/19/14.NoBloodToRun:3 I hate myself more than anything, all I am is just a waste of space, I don't deserve to excist, just kill me already , do it slow so I suffer more, I'm done with everything. my past is playing in my head over and over, I'm losing my mind , MAKE IT STOP, LET ME GO, when will I wake up from this nightmare? kill me kill me kill me ... it's all over , it's all over this time, I'm ready, I don't feel normal, not right , numb, nothin' at all. ~A New Day~ I'm sorry for what I've done, I wouldn't listen to you, why do you keep following me? I got pissed off and I tried to runaway from my problems, but they kept following me, why did I go AWOL today? I just needed to breakaway, I just need some time alone , I know I act out and I have a lot of issues , and I never listen to anyone but myself, I was having a shitty shitty day , torn inside and outta, I was just having a bad day, I don't know what my problem is ? I'm dieing inside, please kill me now, oh idk why the fuck I destroy myself and my own property, cuz there's just something wrong , I feel like no one understands me, I feel so much pain , that no one understands, I need someone to care for me, to love me , I have so many problems, and I keep them held inside, my medication never helps oh no no , I'm gonna make this a new day ,I'm gonna try harder to be good , my misery is killing me, I know I act like everything's alright, but if you knew what was going on inside, oh if you just understood, I'm going to try to make this a new day , where I will try to be happy, is this my life? oh I hate my life and I want to die, cuz I feel so wrong, I'm surrounded by misery and imma make this a brand new day, I'm gonna try to find what's wrong, oh it's gonna be a brand new day cx
~Caught In Between A Web Of Lies~
you really think you can trick me into playing yo stupid game ? I've lived my whole life off of a big lie , you got me caught inbetween a web of lies, you lied to me my whole life, how do I know what reality is? you know what, I'll pay you back and I'll drop you on yo ass , you stupid liar you don't know shit bout what the fuck imma do to you fo revenge, imma bust yo faggot ass up , you no liar , yo a faggot, you think I'm stupid? you think I'm insane ? but yo to naive, you little shit yo da crazy one, you got me caught inbetween a web of lies, no one understands me , I'm feeling so lonely right now doe, aye I have fucking stuff to do why do you keep showing up in my life, I've killed myself inside, torn apart , so much pain , I've lied to you about really important things, dangerous things, I kept secret so yo wouldn't get mad, I know I didn't tell you it's still a lie, I've never realized how much I really really hurt and damaged myself inside , the walls are building up inside me , I've lost myself again, and I feel unsafe, nowhere to go nowhere to run, nowhere to find someone to cry on, damn bitches fuck dat shit we be rebels and doing some dangerous shit, getting busted by the police and going so fucking physco, you can't say it's me, cuz imma crazy bitch. I'll do what I want, dangerous shit , going totally out of it and ready to raise hell, I got myself inbetween a web of lies, don't you fucking mess with me, damn bitch it's all just a tangled web of lies, I'm unstable and crazy so watch out so you don't get hurt, in my web of lies :3 ~My Damn Life~ I've been through shit that you can't explain, you never listen to my feelings, I got to let them out, but it's to violent , my problems are to deep , let me open up , so many painful tragedies , I need more love, I've lost myself inside my fantasy, don't fucking screw me over , this is my damn life , would trade it for anything, it gets me so fuckin' mad when I get angry so easily, can't control myself nomore , don't get me wrong, it's to much and it's screwing me up , I fucking hate dis shit, I'm sorry but I can't live anymore, the pain is killing me inside , maybe a raving physcopath ? sure seems like it, I've hidden behind a mask , it's not worth living anymore, getting high for so long nope can't stay strong , it's fucking me up, my dark side has burned a hole in my happiness I wish I can runaway from my pain , drugs don't work for me nomore , my damn life :3 this is why I ended up in the hospital again...
~Purple Illusion~ every night I see your face , you threaten to kill me if I don't do what you say, I kill for satisfaction but it was only a one time thing, I fight you off but you keep coming back, why don't you just fuck off . but no your a part of me, you tell me to hurt and kill, stop talking to me because you make me angry , because of you even my own mom can't trust me , hurt and kill my targets every night , it's all because of you. damn you to hell, you purple illusion, damn you to hell , you voice in my head, you purple illusion , stop telling me what to do, oh fuck you all, shove it to the wall, you purple illusion. it's not just voices but it's visions to, you tell me to hurt and you tell me to kill, but I will no longer listen, oh damn you to hell, I'm stronger and better and mentally stable, so damn you to hell, you purple illusion. xP -FrustratedxSilence-
I've been in the mental hospital for so long. people think I'm paranoid, sometimes I hate myself, when I want to leave I get pissed off easily , when people try to mess with me , I say hit me hit me as hard as you can, oh bite me bite me as much as you can and I yell silence, silence, I need some time alone , silence silence I need to be alone , be quiet quiet, stop trying to bring me down , oh silence silence, I scream silence silence, why don't you just shut up, I'm not as crazy as it seems , I'm no liar, I'm no physcopath, stop putting words in my mouth it's fucking annoying, oh I scream silence silence, I need to be alone , I need to see alone , I'm telling you I'm always right and your always wrong.
-FrustratedxIKillYa-
Then I stared him down, people think I'm insane, but honey honey I already told you I'm always right and your always wrong, I know I get frustrated easily and sometimes I'm paranoid , but I didn't feel like killing people for awhile until I met you, stop bossing me around , I'll toss you around, I'll beat ya , satisfy ya , I'm getting satisfied and then I'll walk so far out of your sight, stop calling me things and putting words in my mouth, you make me frustrated , you know I'm bipolar and I will go at you and say I kill ya, I'll beat ya, I kill ya. almost out of this hell house, my life is going down the drain because of you. I yell I kill ya, trust me I will cuz I'm not joking, if you push me to far I will kill ya, I'm no liar, I'm no sociopath , I'm no physco , I no narcissist , or maybe I am cuz I don't know I'm going silently insane and I'm crazy as fuck and ready to raise hell, you say I'm not insane, ha bitch you don't know me, cuz I'll become that way if you push me to far , I yell I kill ya , I'll beat ya , I'll make you pay , call me all you want I'll make you miserable and I'll walk away with all my pride in my hands cause I'm always right and your always wrong, she told me to play the game, to pretend your right to make you happy, so I can leave this place , but I know deep inside, under all that fire, that I'm always right and your always wrong....
(7) Insanity Becomes Reality c;
Insanityy Becomes Realityy #7 .. My Life Story ((((x .cx :333 xoxo c: TheMostIllx
~Loma Linda BMC Mental Hospital Diariii:3...~ (The daily blog I wrote while I was a patient in the mental hospital, 51/50 for 3 days/72 hours...)
Friday 10/3/2014 (DAY ONE)
Okay. @ 1:00 pm I got admitted to the Adolescent Unit because I was trying to kill myself, bust open her closet to find the pills and the knives so I can bleed, im just done with everything, I wanna let it go, the monster inside, killing me, I don't feel normal, I feel not myself, delusional.scared.broken... I may be Sara but all I am is a stranger to myself, im not in reality and I feel unsafe everywhere, when I tried to overdose on my moms pills, daddy didn't stop me this time, I went for physcological testing and I told the truth, that I was gonna lose it all, go fucking crazy, and I get the punishment of being in the mental hospital for the 60th time. @ school I went AWOL trying to jump infront of the cars, broke a fork and cut up my left arm, went fucking crazy, and im trapped, so they called a security guard and took me to get admitted , I cried in my moms arms ... ITS NOT FAIR... the nurse gave me a meal pass and me and my mom walked into the cafeteria and they were serving some weird ass Mexican shit, I got rice, 2 bags of Fritos, a bowl of cheese and a Coca Kola, I started having a panic attack and hallucinating, it got real bad. And idk whats real nomore. They walked me up to the unit where everyone was at group, and Marcy the staff made me fill out the usual paperwork, I said bye to my mom, I got my hygiene stuff, and they did a skin check, and I couldn't wear shorts or earrings so they gave me plugs, I got a hospital gown, and Moon, the night staff came in, and all the staff knew me, I got a shirt and jeans from Moon, and I went to group with the Chaplin, he told us a story about a guy killed his brother and he forgave him, I met the girls in the dayroom, I met my roommate, Yolanda, I sang for her and we told eachother stories and we laughed, I got lunch and it was Chilli Beans and cheese and a baked potato, I ate and went back to my room and took a nap, I wanted to go fucking nuts, I woke up and everybody went to gym, Marcy asked me if I wanted to eat but I didn't want anything, I got on my hawainn shirt and jeans, and the night shift came on, I got water, and I saw Michael, Clyde, Moon, and Chuck, and the nurse who admitted me, I asked my roommate to do my hair and I got in the shower for 30 minutes, I came out refreshed but I cut myself, I want to get in a restraint or go crazy and look for the pills, I got out of the shower and my nurse did my hair, I met the new girl, and we watched King Kong, tomorrow during dinner I can go to the cafeteria, all these girls are my friends and me and my roommates told stories, I got water and saw Clyde, I did my laundry and the girls came back from gym, and I ate a PB&J sandwhich for snack, watched Jack Black in the movie Hong Kong then Moon passed out snacks and I got "Big Vanilla" icecream, and Pound Cake, me and the girls are at the table, playing UNO, and still watching Hong Kong, I havnt went crazy yet, I did cut but im eating and im feeling good, I did my laundry, and nomore groups, its almost bedtime, will wake up for breakfast, and its Saturday so I can pull an allnighter, and we have to eat in our rooms were going to bed at 10:00 PM, tonight, Hong Kong is over now, its 9:12 PM, im tired as fuck, and iu don't wanna act out, go crazy, get bootyjuiced, restrained, or be safe, cuz trust me im crazy as hell, well night bitches, see you in the morning, nomore hallucinating blaq dots, night. No dream of me trying to save my moms life, each night, I check if shes breatheing, I hallucinate my mom, "ARE YOU REAL?" my mom went to the hospital and had a stroke, I pulled an allnighter , im scared, still havnt got my night medication yet, imma go to sleep and shut the lights out, oh and Moon played "All Around The World" on Pandora on the computer and we danced to it. Night ;)
Saturday, 10/4/2014 (DAY TWO)
They said its time to wake up in an hour, the night staff is giving me Ice Water, I looked @ my hair in the mirror, and walked out and day shift was out there, Nick is gonna draw my blood, its Saturday, we eat breakfast in our rooms, less groups && no school, I wander whats for breakfast? My mom is gonna visit and bring me clothes, I havnt gone crazy yet or in a restraint, hope they don't put me on MSP Percaution. April and Marcy is working the day shift, almost time to wake up, I woke up, my roommate was asleep, I went to the bathroom and fixed my hair, I walked outta my room, and I forgot to wave my hand, I didn't get my medication last night, but my laundry was done, staff is really loud, I can hear them all the way from my room, I used my roommates pencil and sat next to my window, I got a good sleep last night, if Joel is here, imam take a shower, I need a new pencil so im going to the nurses station to get one, then im crawling back into bed, and wake up when the breakfast trays get here, no school or groups today, FUCK YESH v.v V.V, I got a new pencil and Brandon the staff was there, I asked Chris how his morning was going, and he was fucking rude and said "fine.." ... ASSHOLE FUCK YOU :33 well until breakfast , goals group, and goals, im crawling back into bed, so I woke up and it was 9:10 AM, a lady said she would wake me up in a half hour, to ask some questions but she came back and I went outside the unit and she asked me about my mental history, I saw Joel and Richard, she asked me lots of questions, and I asked Marcy if I could eat breakfast and she said in an hour, but in the mean time I can have water, so after I awnsered like 30 questions, I went back to my room, and put lotion on and fixed my hair, breakfast is @ 9:45 AM, and I was like "SEROUSLY???' , the lady did this weird test about my sense of touch, the medical doctor saw me and was like, "welcome back." , there gonna do vidals and breakfast soon, for now imam chill with my roommate. I don't fucking get why do the boys get to eat breakfast and get to eat NOW, seriously... -.-... I hear fucking "Stairway To Heaven", the girls are talking about how late we wake up for school, lucky bitches Cx.. ,, April called us out for breakfast, I had a Strawberry Yogurt, Wild Blueberry Muffin, I got my vidals done && the temperature gage wasn't working under my tougue , the Cereal was nasty so I asked for another Muffin, they said no, and I was like FUQQ YEWWW(; .... We have lunch in an hour, and I get to go to the cafeteria for dinner, I havnt had a mental episode or gone crazy yet, but im getting the comb to cut myself, my roommates boyfriend Jimmy visited yesterday, my moms gonna visit today, I feel depressed && outta reality. I wanna fucking die and take my moms pills, shit imam abuse myself in here, I hate myself, now I hear "Dream On" by Aerosmith, and one more hour till lunch, now the nurse wants to talk to update my chart, AHHHH SHITTTT xoxo... >.< I just brushed my teeth, refreshing, idk if it's the "F" or "I" turn for group, idk which group im in, but atleast we go with the boys, idk if they called my name for group, or not, but imam find out right now, I get to go to cafeteria cuz I got admitted @ 2:00 PM yesterday, and its been 24 hours so I get to go idk if I wanna take a nap, OR NAH. Im tired as fuck, this time im here @ Loma Linda BMC , imam behave and not act out. Imam do good J =) :P when I go to cafeteria, I know how to trash it, steal food, beat up stupid ass bitches, go AWOL, and bust the hell out, I can get in a restraint, but imam steal some knives, forks && break em, and bleed, I can go crazy down there, but I might lose my cafeteria privledge, I know all this shit, imam get some bombass cheesecake, and some cheese inna bowl, but imam be safe, not be defiant and be good so I can get the food I want and soda, chips onna tray, but we have 25 minutes and I have to eat on the unit, I think the lunch trays are here, funny that no one gave me goal work today, I wonder whats for lunch, imam eat it in the dayroom, if that shit isn't good, imam bitchslap somebody, seriously, im so depressed I don't even know who I am nomore, im nothing and im mentally sick, shit man, theres something wrong, but what? Imam eat lunch now, damn, 10 more minutes, I see my old doctor, Dr Chovika, but now I have Dr Randall, dang doctors are stupid, at lunch I sat with my friend Cheyanne, we told stories about overdosing, cuz we don't give a shit,for lunch we had Fish Nuggets, Rice, Veggies, Apple Pie, and Jello, I only ate 3 nuggets, and rice, it was hella nasty 0.0. I asked for a PB&J, but staff said no, so now im gonna sleep till snack and phone time, I hate myself, I don't understand, idk who I am, im just darkness, I feel trapped, and suicidal, I wanna bleed, imam in a dream, to crazy to function, I don't know what reality is, im so delusional, I cant do nothing' im broken && numb, when will I wake up? Sick in the head, lost outta my mind, who am i? sick and darkness, need to get out, there coming, need to die.
GIRLS ON UNIT 0400
Emily
Kayleigh
Kaitlyn
Sara
Yolanda
Kara
Sierra
Destinee
Grace
Caitlin
Haley
Cheyanne
Sydney
Amber
Kayla
Sabrina.
@ dinner I can go to Café', night shift is gonna come on soon, okay the doctor said she would talk to me soon, my mom brought me clothes but shes not gonna visit, shes gonna call me, im like 5th on the list, after we have snack, were gonna have a group with the boys, at the cafeteria they had Chicken Tenders, Fish, Potato Wedges, and Rice, lucky bitches -.- idk what time group is tho Cx imam nap till its my turn on the phone, I called my mom for like 20 minutes, I told her I need to get well and find myself, "I don't feel right", "I don't feel normal" "im no safe nowhere" "im sick in need of recovery". A new girl just came in, her name is Rheghan, its almost snack time, YESHHHH, my mom brought me clothes in, its visiting time right now && im hella hungry, I need help before I lose it all, imam starve myself, hopefully group comes soon, ive been here like 24 times, no help, now im gonna go in the dayroom, my mom and brother are gonna visit me tomorrow, ILY MOMMY <3 I drew a tattoo on my hand, me and my homegirl Cheyanne played UNO, and talked about boys, and girls, cuz im Bisexual, HAHAHA, my roommate and I are hanging out in our room, her visit went well, my group in OT (Occupational Therapy) is soon, in the dayroom I tried to balance cards on my friends head, we were being weird, I sang "Mad World" to my roommate, for snack I had 2 Nutrigrain Bars, Jhi Jhi the night staff is here, @ group we learned about Coping Skills, its like 4:00 PM and I got my goal work called "Taking Care Of Me" I was asleep for like 30 minutes, now imam hand my pointsheet into Jillian , KAYYY J ;) . Jhi Jhi was like "wazzup Sara, your back?" im working on my goals, now I can go to cafeteria, and OT, were going to Gym tonight. Evening shift is on and 1 hour till Dinner, now imam STFU && work on my goals, so I can earn privledges, in group it was just review cuz I been here many times, I wanna cut and bleed, but imam be good, no bitch can bring me down, trust me, coping skills don't work for me,, cuz im to sick in my mind, I just finished my goal work about a successful life, taking proper care of myself, eating healthy,and not getting into trouble, Jhi Jhi signed it off, but she jacked my pencil, lmfao LMFAO ).( c.c . its time to line up for lunch, its 5:00 PM, I saw the boys, and the children from the other units, I ate a bowl of Cheese, Coca Kola, Banana Nut Pudding, Rice,Tamollies, Fritos, and a Brownie Cake. I ate it all, and we walked back up, I sat with my homies, Sydney, Yolanda, Cheyanne, and Kayla, I didn't get to finish my dessert, they had lots of Hot Cheetos but I was like, ehhhh, we lined up and Jhi Jhi and I hung out and brought the icecream upstairs, we went in the elevator and it was scary. I always walk in the back of the line, now were upstairs and its phone time, me and Yolanda were hanging out and talking bout' random shit, like her boyfriend Jimmy, our stories, and other mental hospitals, its phone && visiting hours too, were gonna eat icecream and go to the gym later, maybe watch a movie, imam call my mom cuz she cant visit today, im gonna put my name on the phone list, and chill in the dayroom with the girls, but IDK WTF there doing >.< were watching King Kong again and playing Speed and some other card games, im probably gonna go to Gym soon, maybe have snack, I put on my shirt that my mom brought me, wow im bored, im sitting by the window with Sydney and we talked, me and Kayla were playing Trash and talking about our pasts and stuff, she had visitors so I went to my room, and I wanted to check if my homie was good, so I sat next to the window and we chilled, im after Destanee one the phone, all my friends are leaving but imam ask Jhi Jhi if I can call my mom, I just finished talking to my mom, shes @ Pechanga Resort && Casino, and Preston is at home with the babysitter, I told my mom I was praying for her, my brother and mom miss me, my mom told everybody I was @ my aunts house, cuz dis is like my 88th mental hospital, my mom and brother is coming @ 12:00 PM tomorrow, I still don't feel stable, so im not going home on Sunday, my minds not set right, and im not in a good place right now, me and my cousin Madison are gonna chill soon, she gave me her number so I can talk to her when I need to. Here in the hospital im like everyones friend and I care and pray for everyone, support them, me and my mom talked && laughed, weve grown closer, and have a great relationship, just got off the phone. IM BORED AS FUCK. FUCK YO BITCH IMMA GO PHYSCO INSANE CRAZY ON YOU! IM CRAZY AS FUCK, TRY ME BITCH (;... I mean what should I do? I talked to my mom, for like 10 minutes and shes doing good, and I told her im feeling and doing better, I love my mom, she wants me to be well and stable, the doctor ordered my medication so I can be a lil' more stable, we talked a lot, now im bored, UGH >.< ^.^ my friend was crying, maybe a bad visit or something, so I went to talk to her and told her I cared, to stay strong, I would pray for her, and that im here for her, we talked and she said "she appreciated it" shes so fucking sweet, were good friends, I hope shes ok. When I told her these things, she felt way better, I knew I made her feel good, like I touched her heart, shes special to me, and I want her to know that all these girls are special to me, I didn't give a fuck if I get in trouble for giving Sydney a hug, I want to and I don't give a fuck, a girl ive never seen before, Emily I think, came into the dayroom, welp gotta introduced myself, idk if shes new OR NAW?the new girl sat next to me and we chilled were homies now and shes so sweet, I introduced myself and I got to know her better, almost gym time, sitting next to Emily chilling and watching Napolean Dynamite, laughing and chilling, its almost gym, then snack time. HELLA U.U u.u :33 <333 "TINA YOU FAT LARD COME GET SOME DINNER" lmfao o.o lol, Jhi Jhi...... xD "girls cover your eyes, im turning the lights on, were changing shift so go to yo room && get towels" im gonna take a shower, night shift is coming on, imma get towels and take a nice shower, me && my roommate always talkin' bout " Jimmy". Lol Danny a staff @ my behavorial school, Oak Grove, is fucking smexi(: hehe im not going to gym cuz I don't fucking feel like it, there lining up, im taking a shower, and sing my heart out, I sing all day everyday , mostly "Mad World" by Gary Jules. Now me and my roommate are in our rooms, waiting, its fucking boring, I wanna sing till I drop =) im gonna ask Jhi Jhi for my hygiene . I got my pajamas out and my shampoo and towels set up in the bathroom, 30 more minutes till gym, after I get outta the shower, Yolanda or Jhi Jhi is gonna do my hair in a ponytail with the side bang, as usuals, no surprises lol -.- I found a candy bar wrapper in the toilet, lol imam say HI to Jimmy whether yo like it or NAWWW? Mexicans are sexy ass bitches;) I got outta the shower, I made a huge mess of water, I used 3 bottles of "No Tears" Shampoo. I got in the shower for like 20 minutes, I dressed in my pink && black PJ's, the girls are going to the gym, I sang in the shower, I smell good and Jhi Jhi did my hair in my normal style, im craving water so imam go to the dayroom to fill up a cup or just get a water bottle. Its shift change, I think, but I need water and im staying on the unit, my shower was nice too and very relaxing, oh and theres like 7 bottles of used shampoo and there all over the sink. WOWWW -.- =P I got shampoo in my eyes and there fucking burning, I had to reach outta the shower for my towel and it flooded the bathroom, I sang like a fucking maniac, I drank outta the faucet like it was a water fountain, idk if while the girls are @ gym if we can watch a movie, HMMMMM, I see a staff that I hate, UGH time to punch and go loco onna bitch, I forgot her name but shes blond, I think its like Angie, or something, I wanna see Carlos, Michael, Eric, and clyde, DAYYYUMMM been waiting to fucking long, im fucking mental and messed up, I need to get outta here before I go crazy or have a breakdown, fuck fuck FUCK, I wanna steal the pills and kill myself, torture and abuse myself, bleed, just do it, or I wanna get high so I don't break or fall apart. Im gonna snort dem pills yo bitches, but no restraints or shots for me, well not this time, I need some blood or some Xanex, but imam watch a movie, imam ask staff if I can turn it on, cuz the girls lined up and walked downstairs to gym, theres only a few girls up here on the unit, MOVIE TIME FUCKERS xP J I met a nurse and told her about my past and ive been clean for awhile, I asked about the movie but we have to wait, so me and Emily , who asked if we wanted to hang out, are chilling and one of the nurses are getting me snacks, I might want Fig Nuetons, PB&J or Crackers, but me and Emily are just talking, shes real chill _o_ -o- "The Fault In Our Stars" "Catching Your Clouds" "Give Up Giants" "Give Up Ghosts" and "Black Veil Brides" are fucking amazing. "The World Is Mine" me, Emily, and Cheyanne are hanging in the dayroom, laughing and other shit, im eating PB&J and Nutrigrain Bars, im gonna sing for them now, I threw the juice in the trash and made it, played cards, and got water, were chilling bitches, me, Emily, Cheyanne, and Rheagan, "thanks for being my friends, im here for you" were telling our past stories, we are so close and were true homies, the girls came back from gym, I was depressed, so I cried in my room and banged my head while I was having a breakdown and real bad hallucinations, like in the admittion room, when I went out of it, had a panic attack, the girls came back from gym and were playing UNO, watching Napolian Dynamite (still, I know I know -.-) and eating icecream, I had the Chocolate Fudge Waffer, I sat next to Sydney, Emily && Yolanda, idk if I should watch the movie, do my hygiene or go to bed? I wanna leave tomorrow forreal forreal . Napolian Dynamite was funny as hell, Jhi Jhi turned on the lights and its now 10:00 PM so imam brush my teeth and go to bed, im so fucking tired, see you bitches in the morning (; NITE NITE (X we stacked the chairs and head to bed x.x me && Yolanda are gonna chill out xoxo x)
Sunday, 10-5-2014 (DAY THREE)
I just woke up and Marcy and Joel are outside, (I had a dream that while this black kid was talking shit about me, and me and Shahid walked to Starbucks to go bowling and I won drumsticks for helping my mom put an ipod together. The end cx) okay, I woke up and me and Yolanda slept way to much, my hair is kinda messed up, and idk if its breakfast or vidals time yet? Today im wearing my grey long sleeved shirt && blue jeans. I hope Eric and Clyde are working today, im gonna go see whos working, get water, and then come back to my room && chill with Yolanda, bad thing is shes leaving today and I might get a new roommate, that's bitchy or awkward and just stares at you, damn im delusional and talk to much, I mean idk wtf im saying or what the fuck is going on, WELP 0.0 time to get dressed and go get water so I can see what staff and nurses are on shift, but I really need to go to BATHROOM && FIX MAH FUCKIN' HAIR lol Cx ^-^ cuz its messy azz fuqq, danq...OKAYYYY xoxo ok I just fixed and wet my hair and put "Johnsons" lotion on, I think everyones awake doing vidals, so imam go out of my room and start my day and get breakfast and say hi to staff. I put my hair in the side bang, I think im getting sick, LOL xD I tried to steal April's biscuit, it had peanut butter on it, Joel did my vidals and my weight, and then I ate 2 wild blueberry muffins, honey nut cheerios, and a yogurt, Joel handed out oranges and said we get extra points If we peel && eat 1 orange, I sat next to Cheyanne, Yolanda, Amber, Kayla, Sydney, and Haley, Joel said if we take a shower we get 5 extra points, so imma get water and take a shower, its like 9:45 AM and lunch is in 2 hours, oh mii fucking gosh, I weigh like 135 pounds (LOL TODAY 2/17/2015, I weigh 192 pounds) my hands smell like oranges lol u.u im so thirsty I have 2 cups in my room, im gonna fill them up in the water fountain, also Marcy gave me my meds and I told her I got a job, and she said I might go home today, theres no school today, a little bit of groups and Joel is probably gonna run goals group so I can get my goal work, now im gonna get water and take a shower. Im gonna do my hygiene, but I need to get in the hygiene cabinet to get shampoo and towels but first brush my teeth && lay down in my room and talk to Yolanda, then clean my room and make my bed, I remember Joel used to have this thing called "UPS" which means "pass the papers around" LOL, hope I can do my laundry today. Hehe =) no new girls have come in yet, but im gonna get good points on my point sheet so I can go to cafeteria before I go home, my moms gonna visit @ 12:00 PM, today, YAY YAY YAY J ok, I took a 10 minute shower and April did my hair while it was wet, were not going to the gym, theres group in the classroom right now, don't know if its girls and boys. The maitnance came to clean my room, all the staff remember me cuz I was crazy and im here a lot, Kadir remembers me cuz he restrained me. HA Cx now im going to group now, Yolanda did my hair, for group with Ashley we played Pictionary in 2 teams, now were lining up for lunch because its 11:00 AM, for lunch we had Lasayna, Bowl-Of-Cheese, Fries, Chicken, Coke, Doritos, and Water . I sat next to Haley, Destaniee, Kaitlyn, Kara, and Kayleigh. We walked up the stairs instead of using the elevator, the doctor said im discharging at noon (12:00 PM) theres no point in calling my mom cuz shes visiting and picking me up, hope she brings my ipod. We saw the boys and Jhi Jhi and Richard, sad thing is Eric isn't working here nomore, theres this cute boy named John, now its visiting hour, and me and Yolanda are having fun in our room, I gotta pack up soon, and strip my bed and get all my stuff. LMFAO IVE ONLY BEEN HERE 3 DAYS, I MEAN REALLY? SERIOUSLY? ONLY 3 FUCKING DAYS? HAHA DUECES BITCHES :P shortest admittion/stay ever, cuz I was good, no acted out, restraints, or bad unsafe risky dangerous physco crazy behaviors, idk wtf im gonna do now. BUT Joel is handing out goals and pencils to everybody right now. When I leave im gonna hug everybody && get there numbers and facebooks, I just got my goal from April and im doing the "I AM POEM" and "Discharge Safety Plan" <3 && Joel just made me pack my stuff and strip my bed, Dr Choveka saw me and said to "stay safe" , Joel handed me my discharge form , questioniarre and survey, the "Basis 24 Behavor And Symptom Identification Scale" and "The Patient Satisfaction Action Survey" im not even ready to go home, im still unstable and unsafe, but you know FUCK IT IM GOING HOME. Joel made me put all my stuff in the linens, all these discharge "fill out" forms/papers. Wow, better get started, im packing up my stuff, && im saying bye to Kadir, Josh, Brandon, April, and Joel. Cuz my moms coming @ 1:00 PM. I filled out all my forms, and my contraband form, Joel asked my daily usual hygiene questions. I call him "Billy Joel" lol :P ;p I told April that I had a crush on Kadir, she asked "what color shirt?" and I said "red"... UGH I MISS CLYDE, he was hella chill <333 J time to pack up my clothes, papers, hygiene, and everything in my room, so I can go home @ 1:00 PM, WTF? Why isn't my mom visiting? Its like, fucking, 12:00 PM, she could just pick me up, OMFG xD lol, Richard && April are so loud I can hear them all the way from my room, dang >.< were in the dayroom listening to KIIS FM, playing UNO, and Joel got me 2 peanut buttersJ im sitting with Kaitlyn, Sabrina, and Kayla, its like 1:30 PM, and its group time... BUT IM LEAVING BITCHES =P now im talking shit with Yolanda =P= -P- im not ready to leave but im gonna, Destaniee just threw her info in my room to not make it obvious, im flirting with Kadir, lol April knows, LOL X0 X) Joel asked me how many times I Pee && Poop today.... LMFAO :P me and Yolanda are singing annoying songs, laughing, and talking about random shit, meeting up on the outs, and getting high, its past 1:00 PM, where the fuck is my mom? I had a mental breakdown/physcotic unstable episode/panic attack, felt outta reality, body numb, crying && upset, now were flashing lights on and off, chilling && talking lol xD I told "Yoyo" to crush up different types of pills and snort them and you get a burning sensation and you can get high, && go physco, I wanna get high, but all the girls are lining up now, its like 2:00 PM and my moms still not here, but I packed up everything, kay we went to OT (Occupational Therapy) group and painted glass frames, I painted a Swan, Ashley put on Pandora Internet Readio, to listen to music, I told Yolanda to write "Jimmy"'s name on the table. 4 songs... "Soul Meets Body' - Death Cab For Cutie, "The World We Live In" - The Killers, "Float On"-Modest Mouse, and "Don't Look Back In Anger"-Oasis. Joel was making us laugh, telling us stories, its snack time right now, and my moms coming to pick me up, after she goes to the store, now im going in the dayroom with the girls for snack, but if I don't go home today im gonna lose it all and go fuckin' crazy, but im hanging with Yolanda but im going in the dayroom to get water and snack, probably watch a movie, or listen to music. DUECES BITCHES xP its 3:00 PM, 2 hours till dinner, cant go to cafeteria tho cuz im leaving, maybe... _._ -.- for snack I had Apple Juice, Joel said I cant have a Nutrigrain Bar, but Savveyy got Hot Chocolate, lucky bitch. When I passed Marcy, the nurse Marcy, she sang me "Happy Birthday" and I started cracking up real fucking bad && started flirting with Kadir. When I drank my juice I got part of the plastic in my mouth, and I spit it out && laughed so damn hard. Okay, I think its swing shift, I wonder whos working on evening shift? Swing and Evening Shift are basically the same thing, im in my room about to have a panic attack, bored as fuck, delirious, tripping out, REAL manic, wanting to act out, but im NOT gonna isolate , im gonna see whos working, probably Cory, Moon, or Jhi Jhi, then im gonna chill with Yolanda or go in the dayroom and sit there like im fucking crazy, lol, idk wtf im talking about, what am I saying? Maybe take a nap? Or nah? Kaykay... who the hell is on shift , im going out, losin' myself bitch, probably have another group soon cuz its 3:30 PM, DAYUMMM, haha bitch I didn't have to fill out my discharge papers. BOOM BOOM SHAKA LAKA BITCHES. "Hey everybody welcome to the club, free service, free service", "I can stand on walls cuz im special", im losing myself && doing whatever the fuck I want, I NO AFRAID KAY? IM ANXIOUS, I crawled ontop of the dresser drawers and danced like a stripper, sang REAL loud, and just gone hyper, well bein' hyper, KK now im gonna shut up and talk with my roommate, LMFAO, I think she just found out I stole her pencil, but im leaving within' an hour, and when I go home, facebook, and some bombass cheesecake, but im scared to go home, im still unstable, maybe the idiot doctors wont forget my medication this time, bye bye im gonna chillin' now :3 im flirting with Josh , and April noticed, Josh was like "shes cool", when Joel was making jokes, Joel said when I come back for Christmas to bring him a present. "ill see you for Christmas, silly girl, Josh isn't she cool?" "yes, she cool" I told Joel I would sing him a lullybye when I go crazy and act out, go physco, and get admitted here for Christmas. Kaykay , Swing Shift time, no Joel don't leave me -.- im leaving its like 4:15 PM, I got my stuff packed up , im leaving in 5 minutes, walking out that door. I chilled in the dayroom with Cheyanne, Sydney, and Yolanda playing Speed, playing Monopoly, Sorry, UNO, to 102.7 KIIS FM. To the song "Habits" by Tove Lo,but I asked for a pencil and Marcy said "there here for you already" so imma say goodbye && hug everybody xD BYEEE . before in the cafeteria I got me a Bowl-Of-Cheese, I saw the maitnance people, my mom picked me up, we walked out, AND ON OUR WAY HOME -.- ^.^
THE END.
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~~~~~~DON'T BLAME ME IM STILL LOCKED UP IN UCI MENTAL HOSPITAL SONGS/STORIES 1/19/15~~~~~
"Trapped Inside" Song <333 by me. Alisa Alvarez/Sara Berger (written in UCI Behavoral Medical Center/Mental Hospital) Im scared, trapped in darkness, locked up in the hospital again... as tears stream down my cheeks, pop those pills one by one, im stuck inside, cant break away, this place is driving me crazy. Sitting in the corner of my bedroom with the knife, pain fills up my body, tearing me apart, eating me alive, killing me inside, I get up in the morning to the cold empty room, the window has a view, but not of my home, staring outside, screaming inside, get me outta here, I need to get help cuz im losing control, I need to be stable again, and work on myself, get myself in a better state of mind, im recovering, im not lieing like I used to, I know im locked away, but I wake up everyday, with my mom not by my side, away from home, in a cold room with white walls, I wish I can go to sleep and never wake up, yes sure, I may be in a mental hospital, but atleast im getting help, yes I know im crazy and ive been to over 80 mental hospitals, im recovering again, believe me I pretend, that im alright, so I can get the fuck outta this shit, I hurt myself again today, im now on level 2 and working my program, im staying strong, taking my medication and im working to get better, nurses come up, asks if im alright, I reply with a silent cry, I tell them the truth, yes I need mental help, sitting in group and watching time pass by, fuck it man, ive only seen my mom once, the food is nasty, the nurses come running to me, asking if im alright, they all care about me, they help me stay strong, I may be locked up in a hospital but atleast im getting help, so I can go home, to get better, these hospital walls so dull, think about AWOL, going crazy, losing it all, I watch outside my window, mom && her daughter, that could be me...
"Afraid" song by me :3333(1/22/2015 in UCI mental hospital) I leave my house with a bottle of pills, tears down my face, empty blank stare, I look at the sky, my dad is watching over me, the sky so grey, I cant stand this rain crushing me, im to faraway, mommy come save me, before I lose myself, nowhere to go but hell, eyes bloodshot, stranger comes up and asks "are you okay?" I tell them "yes im fine." But deep down im screaming for help, this pain is breaking me, mommy im scared, please help me, come save me, I walk into my room, blood dripping down my wrists, im sorry I didn't mean to fuck up, im sorry I didn't mean to hurt you, at night as Johnny possesses me, I grab the Benadryl, dinner time, time to purge, I run downstairs, scared to fight this feeling inside me, that fake smile on my face, pretending not to care, I grab the knife and walk downstairs, mom I cant hold it in anymore, im sorry im sorry I need help, you know what they say, everythings gonna be alright, but that's not true, im scared, please help me, im not there, mentally, im asleep, I cant wake up, screaming from inside, nowhere to run or hide, yes I was born with a fucked up head, the melody the beat, the darkness in me, I am crazy, forrealz, im dangerous for sure, im outta control, im mentally sick with a fucked up head, yes ive done some hard shit, yes ive gone totally crazy, but ive changed, im staying clean, im praying, im afraid, and sorry to say, but im ready to die, hey hey hey im afraid, please don't mention my name, please don't make me play your game, I don't wanna get locked away again, im afraid, when I wake up, ill be living the same nightmare, im afraid when I go to sleep, ill wake up in the morning with all this pain, with all the hurt and the suffering , when im afraid, im scared to say, I don't have any reason anymore, im afraid yes im afraid, to spend my days, going physco and going back to my old ways, yes ive gotten treatment but im afraid to say my name, I wish I can go faraway, im afraid to be known, ill get sent away again, I grab the knife, walk into my room, getting faded as fuck, && going physco and crazy, I cant stand this pain, taken all those pills, I wake up in the hospital, with strangers around me, my family crying, what have I done? Im afraid and scared to say, I might go insane again, im not in reality, im disconnected, im strange in the brain, im messed up in the head, sure people say "your so nice" "your so sweet" but hell naw you don't know me, how sick && crazy I am, im afraid, to scared to say, im afraid, no one even tries to understand, im stuck in the hospital for 24 days, used to be 18, been to over 80, but this time, im not afraid, not scared to say, im recovering, im not afraid, im becoming free...
"No Beginning No End" story be me <333 Cx (written in UCI mental hospital, 1/25/15) when I wanna die and bleed, cuz im nothing but a fuck up with a mental illness, I belong in a mental institution, its like im stuck in a never ending tunnel, that never ends, my dad died when I was 12, we used to cuddle on the couch, the night he had the heart attack, I became fucked up in the head, with a chemical embalance in my brain, when I hurt so bad with pain killing me inside && outside, when I have darkness eating me alive, I see different color crayons, blue and green, saying "color me blue" after my dad died I went crazy, so physcotically crazy that no one could handle me, Johnny always possesses me, took me over, sure ive done some dangerous things, im in a bad state of mind, im fucking scared, I go fucking physco crazy, in 20 restraints a day, been to 80 mental hospitals, yes I have a mental illness may be physcotic but no one sees that on the outside, when I was on the street for 2 weeks, then for 5 weeks, I was struggling when I had physcotic episodes, when I had mental breakdowns, suicide attempts, overdose, abusing myself, getting aggressive and violent at other people, street fights, going physcotic crazy were I got arrested, I know all the cops in Riverside, I went hella crazy that I turned into a physcopath, with no home, I stole pills from CVS and jumped on the street and the 91 freeway and the 15 freeway, well WTF ever. Honestly I hate myself, I don't even know who I am, im just crazy, ive been this way for 4 years, && my family is tired of me, im tired of running from myself, from my pain, sure ive done some hard shit, as the pain takes over me, as I become mentally unstable, mentally retarded, go home in my room, take the pills, bust my head open, kill myself, to get away, please take me away, I don't wanna live in this hell nomore, I wanna bleed to death, overdose till I cant breathe, abuse myself so much I knockout, I may have many mental illness, behavorial issues, but I gotta work through it, when Johnny possessed me I tried to kill my mom and brother and then myself with a steak knife, then I grabbed all the pill bottles in the house, mostly pain killers, and took them to escape myself, I trashed the house, ive gotton the cops called on me 47 times for violence and suicide, my hallucinations are endless and I cant wake up, I think about suicide daily, because I cant take the abuse and getting possessed by Johnny, my mental illness, my skitzophrenia, me being crazy, that's all people see in me, need to get these 37 pills, those 50 painkillers, that's my goal, is to reunite my family, IM SORRY I FUCKED UP KILL ME NOW PLEASE TAKE ME AWAY .. I cant live like this, im scared, wake me up, from this, im in a dream, someone kill me, and then that's when I pull the red wire, && Johnny and Erin get worse at night. WAKE ME UP. My struggle I know I can get through it, im not stable or safe, ive been on every medication && none have helped, I sleep in bed with my mom so she can protect me, and I cant be alone, I do need mental help cuz im mentally sick, Johnny chases me with a knife, my dad abused me my whole life before he died, I see him in 2 forms, good daddy and bad daddy, bad daddy still abuses me && good daddy protects me, I used to self harm all over my body, blood and bruises, with knives, raisers, glass, bricks, wood, plastic, mirrors, nails, sporks, mostly anything to cut myself to release pressure, I was hurting and silently screaming for help, where no one can hear me, some days I would isolate myself in my room, abuse myself, get drunk && faded, Johnny possesses/possessed me, pop some Xanex and listen to music, I get so fucked up in the head to the point where I jumped into the 91 freeway while Johnny possessed me and took over my body, I need my moms pills to survive, I broke into her closet and took viarities of pills, stole a steak knife and WATCH ME BLEED WHILE I SCREAM HOPEING SOMEONE DOESN'T CALL THE COPS CUZ IM HAVING A PHYSCOTIC EPISODE. All I think about 24/7 is silent suicide in the dark, or the pocket knife effect where I go physco, and I end up back in treatment, fuck that shit, ive been craving a cigarette and meth for awhile cuz it relaxes me cuz @ ETS mental hospital they allowed the adults to smoke, listen I need help but I gotta stay strong for people who love and care, stay strong, im here to help cuz I love you guys, even if I hate myself to death. Im disconnected, outta reality, filled with darkness, in a bad state of mind, trapped and cant get out, I feel physically and mentally sick, im trapped inside my body, I go physco as I get possessed, im sorry. Look, everyone has issues, don't fucking touch me again, when you posess me you make me go crazy to the point where I can get killed, but im ready to start over new, im not in a dream, no im in a dream wake me up knockout shut eyes kiss my eyes lay me to sleep nite nite, im mentally ill and mentally retarded. BUT IM STRONG, SO DON'T FUCKING TEAR ME DOWN BITCH BEFORE I FUCK YOU UP AND GO CRAZY ON YO. Im scared I don't know how my brain works, I don't want sympathy, I want someone to understand, sometimes im scared to speak because im scared to be judged or people might get mad at me, everyone hates me cuz im crazy, everyone leaves me for no reason, I sleep all day to avoid talking, scared I might say the wrong thing, im really unstable, I wanna die more than anything, I wanna overdose on all 70 of the painkillers, all 50 of the Beenadryl, I keep having nightmares of me overdosing, my dad beating me to death, Johnny possessing me so bad I kill my mom. Last night I had a dream about my mom killing herself, I have that dream repeatly, I wanna make sure shes alright, im scared to go to sleep , I hallucinate my mom getting beaten up by my dad, like when I was 9 years old my dad beat my mom , called her fat, slut, ugly, bitch, go kill yourself. I protected her, I punched, attacked, went physco on my dad for beating my mom, I have flashbacks of the abuse, I wake up screaming, I love my mom to death, id do anything for her, shes my life, I go crazy so bad, so physcotically crazy that I could have abused myself to death. But look, you gotta be strong, even through the hard times, theres always people out there that care, im strained and drained, ive gone numb, im scared to live cuz im fucked up in the head, to mentally ill, I cant live a healthy life, but im staying strong for my mom, cuz I know she loves me, && I love her, I cant kjeep running away from myself, I may be scared to live my life, seeing my mom go through depression and her becoming like me, but I can stay strong, I AM STRONG, I can get through this, love you <3 I wish I could commit silent suicide in the dark, where no one can see me, cuz im pretty fucked up, somedays I just wanna curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out, I cant take this pain nomore, darkness is eating me alive, I used to make myself throw up after I eat (&& I still do), then I took 80 Abilify pills, I went physco, made myself bleed, abused myself, finally I overdosed , after I overdosed I didn't eat for 6 months, all I ate was Saltine Crackers, I didn't take my medication so I went crazy, it fucked me up, I weighed down to 66 pounds, I became Anorexic, I was sneaking out of my moms room at night, to go into her closet && as Johnny possessed me I took my moms pill bottles and took 18 of each, some were heavy sleeping pills, as Johnny possessed me I grabbed the knife and jabbed my throat, I cut my arm, I abused myself, beaten and bruised, then I blacked out, I took the knife and asked my mom "do you wanna see something? It's a big secret" I threw her bucket of anti depressants on the floor , I went physco, then I started grabbing them, I was hiding them in my stash in my room, then I took the knife to my throat and I went blown out physcotic, I had a mental breakdown, and I weas screaming "KILL ME WAKE ME UP TAKE ME AWAY PLEASE HELP ME SAVE ME LOVE ME KILL ME BURN ME STAB ME TORTURE ME JUST LET ME GO TAKE ME TO A SAFE PLACE...maybe im just an angel wanting to go home, KILL ME TONIGHT, FUCKING BREAK ME OPEN, FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME, KILL ME." I woke up in Corona Regional Medical Center, there is where I got help, im in angel and I want to go to sleep for good and never wake up...im tired of running, im tired of trying, im done && over, I give up now, I don't wanna even look in the mirror nomore, to see the person ive become, fuck that shit, im nothing, I fucked up my whole life and I cant fix it, now im going home, to Heaven, faraway, where I belong, a place better then the hell I live in, this nightmare, this world, this earth, when I go home to my mom I wanna prove I can change, I love that women to death, I have major anger issues, aggression, violence, fighting, going crazy, in restraints, but im growing, controlling my anger issues, trust me im hella crazy && have some dangerously major anger that's uncontrollable, im hella crazy, learning to control my anger problem, my mom is the ONLY one that knows me, && God who I pray to for help. Ive met amazing people here at UCI mental hospital, and I know all of you can stay strong, cuz I believe in you, thanks for all your help, im staying strong, you know that song "you gotta keep yo head up oh oh, and you can let your hair down aye." I have a lot of people that motivate me to stay strong, even if Erin takes his clothes off, even if Johnny possesses me, even if they both rape me, even if the numbers are backwards not forwards, even if the cone && all the other objects are after me, even if I have 30 different people, Erin's brother Gym && Izzy, FUCK THAT I MAY BE CRAZY BUT IM FUCKING STRONG THROUGH ALL THE SHIT IVE BEEN THROUGH, SO FUCK OFF. Im a star, and I can shine, I love you all, this is my story, && im sharing it with you <333 J =P THEEE ENDDD
(8) Insanity Becomes Reality c;
Insanity Becomes Reality #8 :( My Life Storyxo ^^^ Stayyyxo
-Nigghttt down loww xx
UCIMENTAL HOSPITAL JOURNAL THOUGHTS && FEELINGS <333 1/25/2015 &&1/27/2015 (Xx1/25/2015...I FeelxX) "I feel like killing myself, I cant wake up from this nightmare, nomatter where I run or where I go, Johnny, Erin, Gym posess and take over me, abuse me, its like im walking in a dream, my moms changed for the worst, I feel so much hurt as Erin punches her and I watch her bleed, as Erin strips my clothes off, I wanna overdose to see my deceased father, I don't feel safe anywhere, im to unstable, ive been on every medication there is, ive been to over 80 mental hospitals, residential treatment center, group home, I don't know who I am, so much hurt && pain, to unstable, I cant breathe, in a dark bad state of mind, so hurt I wanna die I WANNA DIE KILL ME WAKE ME UP THIS ISNT REAL WAKE ME UP IM FUCKING PHYSCO CRAZY I KNOW BUT THIS PAIN IS KILLING ME INSIDE AND OUTSIDE..." (Xx1/27/2015...NUMBxX) "I don't feel anything my bodies gone numb, I stare outside as the pain takes over me, a blank space in my mind, chemical embalance in my brain, we all have a story, my story started out rough but im learning to take control of myself, sure im still unstable && hard to control, sometimes I may wanna say "fuck this shit" "im done" but don't give up, cuz im here for you, to help you make it through your struggle. Hi, im Sara, I have a story, I am strong, I may be crazy, but that doesn't define who I am, who I am is a sweet and caring young lady, I may have issues, but I gotta stay strong, as the pain, hurt, tears, emptiness, darkness is eating and killing me alive, tearing me apart, we all have struggles, && im gonna help all of you, even if I cant help myself, I got this."
YOU KNOW WHAT <333written by me... Alisa/Sara XP (Song/Story) ~PS REMEMBER "LONELY NOMORE" BY ROB THOMAS~ "Get over yourself, don't make a sound, don't cry yourself to sleep. Just bring that echo back, don't sleep through day or lie through night, don't make a sound, cuz he keeps whispering in my ear, 2 different colors, you know what they say, 2 wrongs don't make a right, 2 songs don't make a beat, the sound of your voice, I hear through the whispering walls, hey darling, everything is gonna be just fine, not because I said so, but because you believe it, im just a lonely soul , in a fucked up world. I cry myself to sleep, mom walks in, kisses me goodnight, are you alright? Sleep tight, im just me, living my life, im just one crazy girl, just one different person, fucked up in the head, im just one girl, with a mental illness, people walk by, I know what there thinking, I can see it in there eyes, darling ive cracked the code, don't say a word, bring me my Xanex and my razor, say goodnight, climb into the bathtub, suicide on my mind, going insane, as I drown myself in my own sorrow, my own pain. Hey brother, don't worry about me, bring me my shampoo, rub it in my eyes, until I become bloodshot, drown myself down into the water, till I cant breathe, my face turns blue, jumped in front of a moving car, fuck it, living my life, don't give a shit, im crazy, on the streets again, darling, why you look so pale? Why are your wrists blood red? Why you crying little girl? Why so crazy && insane little girl? Why are you going crazy? Why you losing yourself? Wipe dem' tears, pray to God, Daddies watching over you, oh little girl, everything is fine, I know it might seem dark right now, tears of grey, face of white, dreams of death, my mom is sleeping soundly, run over to her, check her pulse, is she still breatheing? Is she still alive? Check on her at night, see if shes alright, is she still alive? What if she stops breatheing? Who will I have left? The cabinet is open, cant control my impulses nomore, theres 7 bottles of anti depressants at the top, I slowly open the caps, painful death? I think yes. Shove them all down my throat, I cant breathe, "PRESTON CALL 911" take the knife to my throat, Johnny possesses me, I go fucking physco, "PRESTON CALL THEM NOW" everyones screaming, "HELP HELP HELP" I know im close to death, screaming "HELP ME SAVE ME" the shock in my moms face, she holds me to the ground, "its gonna be ok" shes cries, I cry, we cry, the ambulance reaches our house, by then im pretty fucked up, ive blacked out, pumping my chest, "honey hold on" my moms pretty dead inside by then, im broken, "hey mommy, will you still love me in the morning?" she replies, "yes babybear, forever and ever." Life is too short to be wasted, smile through your pain, just remember it will be okay, bodies weak and numb, goodnight sleep tight, remember me in your dreams, please baby be okay, remember me, my memory, sweet love, don't go down hard, firewall, nowhere to fall, sweet dreams, when you wake up, you try again, oh try again, don't let this be the end, little love, don't be afraid, remember when I wiped yo tears? When I held you tight? && sang goodnight? Put that side of you away, and let your inner self shine, this isn't you, I know who you are, you have to break down that wall, wash the darkness away, hey babygirl, wipe dem tears, God is with you, don't be afraid, little love, say goodnight, sweet dreams, I love you mom, im sorry mom, hey remember me? I set you free? Remember me? I helped you change? It's a very very mad world, I eat my steak, I run to the toilet and throw it up, I beat myself, abuse myself, beaten and bruised, till I cant breathe, yes ive gone crazy, ive done some pretty physcotic && crazy things, I go crazy, lose my mind, so crazy, that dark and possessed is all I am, little love, please calm down, I go insane, I knock out, I run around, with myself, trapped inside, I jump into the street, with a bottle of Abilify, im sick in the head, pretty fucked up, little love, remember me? In your dreams, silent cries, nowhere to hide, secrets kept, broken promises, im a little fucked up, gotten a little drunk, maybe gone insane, maybe went crazy, im a little drunk, a little high, and nowhere to go, ive been on the streets for 4 weeks, gotton possessed by Johnny, did physcotic shit, I remember when your voice gave me chills, used to be so sweet, oh where has it gone? My mom found me on the side of the road, totally lost, trapped in darkness, full of pain, totally out of it, im asleep, suicide note by my side, mom finds me, knocked out on the grass, she knows ive gone crazy, again? No surprise, fucking forrealz, little love, she carries me into her car, covers me with my blanket, she drives me to the hospital, woke up in the ER, throwing up, im a lil' fucked up, stop this, little love, little love, I wake up, all healed, happy, in my moms arms, smile across my face, im me again, I am now, little love, I love you mom, little love, I love you Sara... THE END" ....
MY OWN, MY TIME<333written by me... Alisa/Sara XP (Song/Story). "when people walk by with pride in there hands, but do you know how they really feel, when someone gets angry at you for no reason, maybe there having a bad day, maybe something happened in there personal life, when someone wears a happy smile on there face, but do you know the pain that digs deep into there skin? The pain there feeling? The suffering and hurt? Whats really going on with them? Sure they seem happy, but deep down inside, they fake a smile, act like everything is okay, but you know theres something wrong, there hurting...that's like me, I wear a fake smile everyday, but inside im suffering, if you knew all the shit that goes on in my head? You'd be crying, you'd be scared, everyone has a story, everyone has issues, but they deal with them in different ways, ive dealt with them in bad dangerous ways, ive gone totally physco && crazy, guess what? I ended up locked up, AGAIN. Been in treatment && the system for 4 years, gone crazy, and did some pretty insane shit, fuck nah medication doesn't help me and my crazy ass, ive been on every single medication there is, but I have a chemical embalance in my brain, been to over 80 mental hospitals, did some crazy stuff, if you REALLY knew me, youd know im sick && fucked up in the head, probably the craziest girl youll meet, but I may be mentally ill, but I am strong, I believe, im crazy, yes im proud, im sorry, I love you mom. Mommy, I bet you didn't want a daughter like me...you didn't want a mentally ill daughter, im not the daughter you wanted, you didn't expect me to turn out this way, but its not my fault, trade me in, you cant love someone as messed up as me, you wanted someone to take out for lunch, A NORMAL DAUGHTER, LIVING A NORMAL LIFE, FUCK, to comb and do my hair, to have strong mother-daughter love, to teach life to, to learn life skills, to teach there little girl about the world, unconditional love, but im sorry I didn't turn out the way you wanted, I wake up in the morning, I remember my dreams clearly, why did I have to wake up? To this nightmare, when I was on the streets for weeks and weeks on end, it was no fucking joke, you don't know whats real, you don't know the real world, how dangerous it is, unless you've been on the streets, you don't know the fucked up world out there, I finally called a taxi to take me faraway, to Washington, where my sister is, but instead I went crazy on the way, ended up getting arrested, I went insane in public, I was sleep deprivated, I was sick, mentally sick, couldn't stand it nomore, so I started using drugs, smoked 15 packs of cigarettes, got in strangers cars, had mental/physcotic breakdowns in the stores, I stole some prescription pills from CVS, then I went to the 91 freeway, and tried to kill myself, and then I went numb...I was on the side of the freeway, I was eating grass, possessed by Johnny, but the drugs made it worse, I stole a knife from Costco, and some more pills from Rite Aid, then I overdosed, I stole 5 bottles of vodka && got drunk, I started getting aggressive, violent and outta control, I punched myself repeatedly, then I punched the store manager, punched all the employees, busted my head on the tile, jacked the pills and the car, went physco on everybody, got aggressive, and since I assaulted 10 people, I got arrested and got 51/50d into the mental hospital, to emotionally disturbed for Juvenial Hall, I need mental help, where I got in 20 restraints a day, hitting peers and staff, && acting out, finally I got discharged and I was free to roam the streets again, this time more stable, hey little love, strangers without a name, don't you know my face? Beautiful && strange, oh beautiful days, in a magical place, beautiful love, perfect and strange... ME + JUSTINS THING IS "that's whats up" BITCH, oops ^.^ its been a weird day here in UCI, got 51/50d AGAIN last night, after the cops arrested me, cuz I went insane, I know, again, they were supposed to take me to Junvenial Hall, but I was mentally sick so I went to UCI for 5 weeks, then the partial outpatient program, for 2 weeks. Love && peace? Yes I wish, once I was on Abilify and Lithium, made me dealthy sick, where I threw up all day && all night, but I went to my phyciatrist, and got a med change, finally didn't have a mental breakdown from the bad side effects of the medication, some meds I was on ended me up in the mental hospital, or the ER, so fuck that, im going on Rhesperdal, it calmed me down, my anger, irritability, mood swings, && mental illness, it went down. Sleep well little baby, ill be gone when you wake up, I finally found 3 meds that worked for me && my mental sickness, Rhresperdol, Xyprexa, & Seroquel, now im mentally stable, not at risk, unsafe behaviors, unstableness and physcotic episodes, im no unsafe, well anymore, I became stable and myself again, ive gotten better, for reals yes I have, goodnight lil' angel, don't forget to pray to me when you wake up, you gotta stay strong, its my own, my time, I can get better, im in UCI mental hospital for 23 days now, and im recovering, might leave in 3 weeks, im feeling better, more stable, my mom says I look better, no red bloodshot eyes, dark circles, trapped inside myself, trapped in darkness, im almost free, goodnight lil' angel, my own, my time....THE END.."
FOLLOW ME DOWN<333written by me...Alisa/Sara (song/story). " Dreams, wow, how can you describe dreams? How do you know that the reality your in is all just a dream? That your dreams are all just reality? No one knows, science hasn't made that clear yet, they havnt figured it out, but really, think about it, no one knows... Hi, Im Sara ;) J & today is my 21st day in UCI mental hospital, right now I just finished breakfast, I had Pancakes, Glazed Donut, Banana Nut Muffin, && Hot Chocolate, I hope I go home today, ive grown so much, right now im isolating myself in the table by the window, you know in the dayroom, writing my story, sitting back and thinking about my recovery, I have treatment team today, they decide if I get discharged or not, I think im ready to go home, the nurses are doing vidals right now, I cant wait to see my mom and brother, they have seen a big change in me, how much ive become mentally stable, havnt got in a restraint in 6 days, I got off 1:1 yesterday, I can keep myself safe, ive made a big change, im more stable, more safe. IM SO FUCKING HEATED. I have the urge to act out, for no reason, my mood is still not stabilized , but really? Sitting in your room alone is not good? Hell, ill sit in my room as long as I want, I sleep through meals, I sleep through group, I sleep all day, become manic at night, snorting my Atarax medication after I crush it up, after I eat I go to the bathroom to throw it up, then I bang my head against the tile in the bathroom, till my head is bruised, but that shit changed, im eating all my meals, breakfast lunch and dinner, snack at 2:30 PM before shift change, and at 7:45 PM before wrap up group, I finished my goals, there mostly CBT Packets, when I wake up im afraid somebody else is gonna take my place, I stare out my bedroom window, thinking of home, me eating Cheesecake with my mom, im scared, leaving someone alone, not perfectally stable, and not to be able, protect dem' selves by flipping tables, IMMA GO FUCKING CRAZY, MAYBE IM NOT READY TO GO HOME, WHO THE FUCK KNOWS? Can I just go to sleep forever? Go to sleep && never wake up? But that's selfish, cuz I have a mom and brother, lets stick together, you know, forever, last night @ 10:00 PM, it was lights out, but me, Baily, Natalie, and the 1:1 staff got in a circle and prayed, in the dark, we sang, were live family, I told Natalie about God, && his conditional love, he never gives up on you, He is here always, I sang "Mad World" && my song "Sleepy" and last night I talked about me being locked up in a residential treatment center, and how crazy I was, and how much ive improved, me and my roommates are like family, always there for eachother, we got in a circle and held hands and took turns praying, we educated Natalie about God, we all told stories, sang, laughed, and then I fell to sleep. Goodnight Lil' Angel, ill be here when you wake up, everybody has there time, I used to think my time was now, but I have so much to live for, at first, I hated God for taking Daddy away, people said "oh, hes in a better place" && you know what I did? I attacked them violently, I was indenial, out of my league, black knocked out, in the 1st step of the grieving process, but now I understand, he was his time, he is in a better place, God had his reasons, he was abusive, that's why its good that hes gone, if he was still alive things would be worse, God took him for a good reason, to take the abuse out of the family, it would be different if my mom died instead of my dad, and if my dad was still alive, shit would be worse, my life would be worse, I would have gone 10 x more crazier if my mom died instead of my dad, my dad was abusive, so God took him out of our lives for that reason, life is better now, I feel free and safe, && protected by my mom <3 love you Mommy =) im learning life skills, like putting my hair in a bun, making my bed, im so happy I might leave UCI mental hospital today, in rounds im gonna find out if im gonna go home, if I don't? fuck it, if I have to stay here for 3 more weeks, im gonna go fucking physco , insane, crazy, WTF ever, FOR REAL RIGHT? I didn't lie to the doctor to get out faster, ive been here 22 days, I know how to work the system, fuck with it, mess with it, ive been in over 80 mental hospitals, I know how to fuck with the system, im gonna be back if I don't get mental help && go crazy again, I need help, so im gonna be honest, im NOT ready <3 atleast I know that I need help, so might stay here for 3 more weeks, to get the right help, FOR REALZ, FOLLOW ME DOWN, its my life <333....THE END..."
-Stay Little Bro There, that's right-
Ewww it's Izzy xP
Izzy gulity upset don't wanna get in trouble doesn't wanna say the wrong or hurt my feelings cuz he cares not intennislly being rude and avoiding can't even look at me in the eye so upset and miss me, he stillcares he even said he's still my buddy he cares and says hi and worries about me still talks to me concered about me is my friend, just can't to close to me like before , doesn't wanna let me get to close like before, but doesn't wanna hurt me cuz he knows my past and how I'd react, he cares and knows I still care were still close but don't wanna get in trouble, ya know.
When you follow someone can they see everything you post, who can see your posts on FaceBook
A physical kiss is nothing without it and you close your eyes to see what it's done
Bluebunny chocolate/vanilla ice-cream
-our little words jacking it down-- I'm coming home to you lol
Oops excuse me
Gold && red dyeed hair
Yes mam
Flipping it back and fourth
These colors
What's the difference
It's due?
Back tf' up
Cuz I took a shit
Another day another dollar
I'll take you back noe this can you feel that start raining again
Platnum blond bleach like last time
Road junk on there
Get in the car baby when we get home
What the fuck is on here
Look at the black clouds
Back her out
Glad I got the stuff
No your not getting Starbucks you already got one this week
Prestions home
Oh alrighty okay
Well go lady go
You look tired already
All wes have to do look get eggs truffles milk pink cookies 2 icecreams
Get a sip of water didn't read it at all his loss
You wanna take your water go in real quick
Sara Preston time to wake up well be good let's go come on Sara
Do you wanna take ur water in there
Let's go
Slap you silly
Next isle look at those big tubs
You know I can tell when ur drunk
Your drunk no I'm sober ok I'm drunk just a little tipsy
Can't walk in a straight line tip over
Petrezzeli arrested me and told me to take 10 steps forward I was drunk he was not happy I tipped over and laughed uncontrollably
Not like that gotta get outta here I don't feel good like yesterday like the topamax in a dream not in reality
I'm pissed!
Dante from copper hills came in on his shift and he put on man perfume and I said really loud it smells like shit in here, it was him lol oops
Are you gentle ok let's go over here
Let's bust outta this joint
Start the car
Oh shit!
Fucking amy dude
I wanna ride it no your not a little kid
That's not a surprise gotcha
Okay I can try again I can do this, let me try it again, aww come on really? Ok let me try it again ok I give up I can't do that
Merry thanksgiving
Merry shitmiss
Bitching
Thanks for the help Preston
I'm gonna save the day yay
I'm going on a trip on my favorite rocket ship
You have an ass
Buttface just kidding
Cooko for coco puffs no
My cha chas
Shhhhhhhhhhh, I'm loco
Diggidy dick
Let's talk about fuck ship
Merry christmas, *hands a peice of shit*
Walk like I'm drunk is this what being drunk feels like, how would you know? I'm a modern man shining Luke a chandiler I'm an alcoholic
Great balls of fire
I cannot tell the difference
Got this before i liked them better
Thank you kind sir
Come on Sara
These are the ones I got before
Are you ready to checkout out, yes thankyou
I just keep moving forward
What time of the year I'll throw it away safe bet 5 times
Uh oh
Twenty dollars
Didn't have experation date on it
Nasty ass shit
Imma call another lawn guy if he doesn't get back to me
Yo guy
Whatchu strating at?
Turn light turn/go cars go
I fight like a man I look like a man and I smell like a man
Costco gas did u go to Costco, you went to Costco? We got gas
Were gonna go to
Well go into walmart get a few items
I got pads upstairs
Green light red light
Sallys beauty supply pick up another cream prioxide hair turn brown went bad after 2 years it doesn't matter redo my hair bleach teeth it's raining AC vent needs to be changed out hold the stair stepper thingy venti thingy
Go into walmart get a few things
Imma boss bitch
Fuck beast mode
Thats not very nice
You know I can't do it by myself
Let the puppies out potty
Sounds like a rap song sounds like your rapping the way we talk that's kind of cute but are you listening to any of it, excuse me that was gross did you hear that duh duh duh duh errrrr exit stage left at sallys first don't really want to but we will, gotta run in there, do you want to sitin there or do you wanna go, stay in the car, give me my keys, neither here nor there
Like a horse
Sara watch where your going
By the time Your done typing I'll be back
Sweet home alabama
Not watching your step
Okay here follow me
Oh yahhhhhh
I'll by both might mix it 8s and 9s at home look at the hair they look pretty
Oh yeah feels so good that hit the spot
Ah ah ah ah ah so true do do do do do do
Dont know if I got this at home
That's not good,
Pictures on those things picture thingys
That's why I don't don't good reason got these at home
Doing it wrong superman
Wella numbers on fridgeiratior remember
Maybe it's in here oh I'm in the reds not even close were in trouble before the weekend I don't look good in red there we go
Oh pretty colors
I'm not happy with you
I know This much is true
Oh really that's actually an interesting sound
Back up sara
I honestly don't know
Tbh go fuck yourself
Huff and puff
And I don't know what I'm doing
-5/14/2015 at Sallys at 2:34 pm
Da Badd Bullshit c: <33 --
Now I know why I've been acting out cuz my dads gone, now I know why I changed and starting doing bad bad shit damn now I know , cuz daddy left it made me into a bad person just as bad as a divorce it kills me and puts me in a mentally out of it state of mind, I did a lot of bad things, cuz daddy left.
No
Shut the fuck up you have me
I don't care about anything anyway but I care
How about no, shut the fuck up stick a stone in yo mouth and give me my fucking cookie bitch
I can't feel, my brain turned that part of me off I can't feel anything I'm numb 3 I got worse and I got so traumatized and so hurt and so broken full of pain a bad bad life that I've gone numb cuz I've gone through so much, my past made me numb made me crazy , for 5 years and counting, I'm not myself, I'm completely and comfortably numb, u know why, cuz I've never been happy and gone through a lot of shit, I've actually had one of the worst past, I can't believe I'm still strong after all I've gone through, I haven't even grieved daddies death, I'm so hurt, I'm so sick mental and crazy, I'm so full of pain and dying inside and traumatized I'm numb now, damn, I don't even know anymore, who the fuck am I?
Why did daddy abuse me most, I don't get it? I didn't tell anybody but he did it all my life since I was little, he beat me so much I was so traumatized and then he die so I went crazy, I should have told you mommy I'm sorry he's dead now so fuck it he still did it all day everyday since I was born after like 4 years old too young to process it, he beat me now he died so now I've gone fucking insane and lost myself...
Hey billy it Sara time to let me secret out I'm ready to share, daddy abuse me blood and bruised he beat me so bad, everyday all day secretly but I never told no one my whole life he did it but I was being abused till I was bleeding and it was all my life, I need help I can't forget, he abuse me more then everybody but idk why, please help I love u I tell u this secret
It's 2:15 am I need to go to sleep goodnight
Kiddiup Horsey, Mother Style
Kiddiup Horsy, Sattle Up, Sara Style
Get down on your knees and tell me you love me home alone style lol
It's now 2:00 am and I'm up so late my brain doesn't function right I'm disfunctional brain dead numb and losing it all touch with reality I feel on a acid trip I feel so dark inside and about to go crazy cuz I'm malfunctioning...
I love u , can I tell you a secret daddy beat me blood and bruised he abused me more then he did mom or Preston, he beat me to death and broke me, before he died I already was traumatized , he was so abusive I wanted to kill myself and I was young it happen my whole life but I didn't tell anyone, I was so young I could not process it , but he beat me a lot , but I'm learning how to get thru it I protected mom when he abuse her
your funny sister
RICKROLL
more funny lol
I going to sleep now
OK goodnight sister please be safe for your brother
I love you I'm really tired I got my music on and I'm zoning out, I'll be safe I've been good today goodnight
goodnight sister
Even with only one parent I sure am blessed to have a mom after dad died I went crazy but I still have a mom I never wanna lose her... ❤️
I'm never gonna give you up never gonna let you down never gonna run around and desert you. Hahahaha
Laura how are you taking daddies death, how u deal with it what happen to u? Like I went crazy what's ur problems just curious cuz I love u
Even if we don't have a dad and I've had a shitty past trust me I've been through a lot , read my life story, even if dad abuse me more then mom and he made my life hell I still love him, I never really had love them I release my family does, I may have gone crazy and lost myself and had a lot of issues and a bad past but I am crazy, it doesn't define me but I am, goodnight I know we still have a hard time, my life was bad and traumatic there's half of my life no one knows about, I've been through hell PLUS dads death, if I lose mom i would go 10 times as crazier , yes after daddy died, I changed cuz pain changed me read my life story. It tell u everything, I had a shitty life, I totally took it bad plus my other bad parts of my past it hurt me I been through a lot try to stay strong after daddy died yes I went mentally ill and actually I did go CRAZY I was physco, I was dark and broken but I'm here for u as a sister we can get through this I want to no what happen to u love u God bless
Aye call me when I get home, whatchu wanna talk about homie? I miss you I miss chillin in Coach K's class. Haven't been to school in 2 weeks but truth is your my homie and you need to behave lol, hope ur better in ur group home, your my best friend in the I:I class; takin pictures && chillin, your my best friend and your so sweet to me, call me sometime we can hang at lunch, we'll talk to me Cory, you and that nosering, anyway we always talk and Justin gets all butthurt lol, I miss u at school , see you on Monday, I miss Izzy but we need to hang out, gimme ur number bro so I can call you and hang out, anyways love you bro, be good or ill slap you . Your friends very... Nice lol- with Cory Howells "call me we need to talk" :) c: ^.^
5/9/2015 -Hungover Feeling Sick, It's Lily, I don't feel so good...-
I don't. Feel so good, I feel bad ... Need to take my meds & not go physco again I feel. So bad damn. Go to sleep Sara goodnight I losing my head right now about to go crazy now I need to take my meds and go to bed... I'm seriously mentally out of it right now I feel sick in my head I'm trapped I feel like I'm hungover yes I no what that feels like, before I freak tf' out and go back to the hospital I gotta use my "coping skills" and calm down, I feel bad bye, oh and you know the whispers and conversations and say out loud words in my head and the one that does not say bed or goodnight or go to sleep makes me really bad and scared, Lily is new she stares at me "it's Lily" she makes me sick and makes me go crazy go to the hospital, Lily is the other random voices in my head, she's the one I hear in the shower I don't know who is talking, but I can't explain its just people talking and thinking out loud words I no her name is Lily, like I said she makes me sick .
Aye bro I love u as a friend I'll call u tomorrow cuz my phone hung up on me :( but ur awesome thanks for being here for me
I'm gonna call you
I tried to call u
Really?
What's wrong? Why u gettin all mad
U seemed pissed not at me but at somebody calm the fuck down I miss you
That's what's up, imma give u a makeover
I'm pretty either way aha
Eyebrows on fleek son
I'm high, wbu lmfao
Look at my eyes
Why does everyone want me to message them lmao my messenger doesn't work that why I talk on comments
What asshole
Just kidding
I'm overtired lol I'm hallucinating out of it nite before I go crazy lol love u
Really asshole fuck you
Personal space personal space
What's wrong with being gay, fucking homophobe man
Time to strip
I'm super bra lmfao
What if I walked out like this *naked af'*
Preston imma give you a makeover *puts lipstick on*
you got a man purse lil' bro hahaha aha bitchy Bues Noches
Sup Homes
Nothing just Waiting for you to reply
I did
but I ain't Seen you read the messages
I just did lol
Let's talk on here
Why not thru messaging ?
Cuz my messenger is retarded lol
to retard to talk to me. :(
Talk on here, come on buddy buddy lol
OK but I'm sad you can't talk to me on the messenger
I'm at Kohls what bout you, yo wazzup lol
I'm with my lil' bro Presto Chango lmfao just kidding
that don't look like Kohl's
who is that guy in the background
That's my bro lmfao you too funny, and it is Kohls dummy
OK sis
Keep calm
Awww bro I love you *monkey kisses* If monkeys could kiss lol, I'm getting bras YAY !! I had a dream that monkeys were on drugs, aye Albert pass the hookah lol, love you
your funny I love you too sister
Awwwwwwwwwwww I love you too bro bro *BROFIST* I wish I can chill with you I'm at Kohls right now, get yo ass over here I miss you
your funny I can't and miss you too sister
Just messing I'm leaving soon it's already 8:21 pm.... NOOO *starts bawling on the floor* shit I'll see you another day, gotta go
OK sister
Under the stars we'll make it go go go no no no oh oh oh
Fuck you lol I'm in the store lol, let's talk on comments
Hey I love you <3
I'm in the store that's why, talk on comments
Message me foo <33
Doha Zeek Gahan
Sage safe and sound rebellion
Fuck the moment
Slap the sillies outta ya
How bout ya shut up
Ya ya Preston screaming isn't gonna make me come back
Baby bear
Magical pennies
Move it or lose it
Me loves Martin Raul Danny and Juan Oscar Leo Izzy
Thank tux uvs merry much sir mame
Hi me needs helping?
While Stevie is high "Fuck Me I'm Famous" plays in ITI 2
Nurse Jackie
Without you
Damn your eyes Alex Clare
She's a man eater
Just give me a reason
Rooster
Not calling you a liar
Sing Ed sheeran
ITI PASITMATW: Boulvard Of Brikken Dreams Green Day
I luv Leo Feb 1, turning 21
6123 5876 4892 3560
Herbert the Perv
"Alisa Alvarez Mental Breakdown"
"What The Fuck Is Alvarez's Problem?"
"Alisa Alvarez Esctasy and Mental Hospitals"
"Alisa Alvarez Dads Death and Insomnia"
"Alisa Alvarez Has ALOT Of Issues"
"Alisa Alvarez New Song: Fuck This Me Is Done"
"Oh Shit Alvarez Ranaway and Tried To Kill Herself"
"Alvarez New Movie: Cyanmide"
Infinity
Kokomo koko bunnies X0)
Yes me does me fits ya me gotcha
Closing time (SoNg)
Click (movie)
8mile (movie)
Switchfoot
Me loves yewwwzzz
Village idiot
World masturbating day
Today is local hump day
Naked eyes something there to remind me
Not much love gone round
Me Gita gotz my reasons 2 live
Fits it rite get it rite get it tite
Tote the motherfucking frog
Paradise by coldplay
Idiot sounds
You and me by soja
Will you still love me in the morning
Faggot of da fuckin' year
Corporal shit
Mickjagger4life-Sara Sota PC Passawordiokoe
Eli xD
Larry Morgan
98.7 ALT
Sexy/cute clothes/leather jacket/jewelry
Dark makeup wake up at 5:30 have mom do it or help me
Mom brush hair into high ponytail on the left with her tucking it in the sock then brush out bangs on both sides, then put headband on
Go to school
So it's a me Alisa Alvarez xD
Lockup X'd Out Jerry Sanchez
Insesting The Illusion
(Alisa Alvarez plays Stevie Xencell
Markous Swrtes plays Larry Xencell)
-Mind Broken
-Insernative Moments, It's Not You Desirae (Hard Beats, Poison, Black, Sail, Stupid Girl.)
-Touched, Still Figuring Things Out (Who Can Stop The Rain, Lovesong, (Winter on scene of Eric's dads death + Stevie's dad's death, Prelude 12/21 on the scene "Larry's 1st Suicide", Mad World while Stevie misses her parents, Empire)
-Please Adam Stop, It Takes Me All The Way (Silence, Paradise by Vanessa Carlton, Love Is Gone Remix, Broken, Everybodies Watching Me)
Alisa Alvarez performs her own songs in the movie.
Crazy head
Crazy town
Who's the idiot in town
Loco town
The great fucker
Who's the fucker in town
McShitty
British fucker
The great shitter
Oh my gawd WTF is that
Up ur ass and round da corner
Mr crazy
Idiottown
Who's crazy in the house
That's whatsup
While Stevie is in her high she gets sexual with Larry.
So Bitch, Your Free
(Jym Louie played by Alisa Alvarez
Xavier Louie played by Markous Swrtes)
-Jym.
-So Young and Faraway
-Cheap Touching
-Why Me Why Not Why Now
Chaney Chandy Stan Madina
+ George Stevenson
The Life N Lide Of Sinister Smile
+ BobJen
Gigiddy gigiddy goo
Alisa Monee' Alvarez(sara nicole berger)
Markous Alehander Swrtes(preston alexander berger)
Johnny said on Sunday immature Imma freak out and do some crazy shit sent to ETS 51/50d rite to ETS ho ho ho Virchow bitchiesxD =zz))
51/50 (Rite 2 ETS)
-Alisa Alvarez
"Blood Roses (IAMI2)"
Me goe to ETS feelin sick and selfharm damnnbitchy, I'm here why r u now WTF honey??? Umm how bout u shove it bitch for my name is Bitch Shitty aksa Chandy.
Oh wow real cool real real cool
Ya ya ya what it sounds like to you and what it sounds like to me are two TOTALLYz differezentz thingz;)
Smoke some weed n have yourself a good time but it wasn't fine an hour ago oh it wasn't fine an hour ago
Oh irritation...
Animal by Martin Garrex
December by Collective Soul
Bruno Mars
Eminem
Axl Rose
I've been waiting for this moment all my life
Earbuds fixed
Transfer 2 old itouches to new one
Quen Stefani
"Wanted"
"Hold On Were Going Home"
"Team"
"Turn Down For What"
"Me and my broken heart"
"all of me"
"lights"
"it was a good day"
"tonight is going to be a good night by black eyed peas"
"we paid the price ain't no time for this, shopping for your superficial treasures"
"how to mend a broken heart"
"power trip"
"sexy and I no it"
"faded"
P!NK
Adam
Ain't it fun.
David guerra guetta
Listen to the words I say carry on
Get right back from where started from love is good love can be strong.
I will never be the same if we ever meet again
Waiting for tonight
Empire State Of Mind.
Pompie Bastille
Good life
Rest of Leftfield album
(look on favorites on YouTube to download)
Jay z
Kanye west
Kid cudi
Kayne west "Stronger"
Christopher walken
Wop
Mcdonalds double cheese burger
Del taco French fries beef burrito
Big Boy
Should Be You by NeYo
No More by LL Cool J ft NeYo
Cherri Coke
2 Recess McFlurries
10 Peoce Chicken McNuggets
ITunes:
8Mile
Reck It Ralph
Click
-A Final Hit Leftfield
-Essential Sandra
Stronger
Drift
Damaged
Nobodies Home
Puttin On The Ritz
Rise Up
Clocks
Thriftshop
Sexy and I Know It
Party Rock Anthem
Black eyed peas
Pitbull
Baby I Like It
Blurred Lines
Rock Your Body
Summer Love JT
Black Roses by Trey Songz
Thriftshop makelmore
Wild Child
Bulletproof la roux
Numb Rihanna
Payphone
In a manner of speaking
This is what I want my hair color to be
-with Marcia Berger
Getting ready to go out shopping with my mom ❤️
-with Marcia Berger
Sup homes -at Kohls 470 Hidden Valley Pkwy, Corona.
Don't worry be happy ❤️
All ready to go out with my mama ❤️ -with Marcia Berger
I love you mamabear -with Marcia Berger
I love you too!
It goes around my heart
I had a dream that monkeys were extinct lol
Hahahahahahaha on point its called fuck off && it's located, over there
These all describe me ❤️ 3
I love my music
Hey cutie
Majentaai Butters ❤️ sorry that was random
That's what's up
Whoop there it is
Sorry but I love this picture I'm only posting this once lol
When in doubt smoke it out
When we put on a fake smile to hide the pain, yet we wish would look closely enough to see how broken we really are inside 3
Single Life
Blackstreet - "No Diggnity"
High Highs -"Open Season"
Nelly - "Just A Dream"
Tag Team -"Whoomp There It Is"
CeeLo Green - "Bright Lights Bigger City"
--Crayon' dyeing, liynn c;--
Pizza bacon with Parmesan cheese
Aye homie I miss you from Canyon Ridge hospital, remember Hector's sausage, I miss you I got out 2 days ago we be crazy but I love you, we had good memories at Canyon a Ridge even with the nasty food, I added Devin on Facebook, I missed having a room next to yours talkin bout Hector, love you, you chill ❤️ I remember when we went in the C lounge and we all got pissed and wanted to go crazy, your sexy your fine I really wanna make you mine, we be chilling in the dayroom watching TV, sucked I was on Special Program, we always chilled also in groups outside, only me and you got to go outside during quiet time , Hector always www staring at me when I was dancing, then I wrote him a letter lmfao , I was sitting by the nurses station and me and you were talking and twerking through the window, Hector was like "sit down" then when me , you, Ashlie, Shaylie, Devin, Dai (I didn't fucking spell her name right did I?) and Corra up till like 2:00 am, then Hector got all pissed and said "ladies goodnight, out of the doorway" I accidently flipped Hector off when I was getting my vidals, some bitch woke us up at 4 am in the morning to take blood, and I woke up like 4 hours after breakfast, I borrowed your pants and I had to wear a diaper , when you left I cried and Devon started jumping up and down and the group leader wouldn't let her out, me and you were always hyper and we had some good memories, we always be screaming really loud and Hector told us to calm down, I sang in karaoke group and Anns was all "damn she got a voice", me and you always were singing really loud, "this isn't American Idol ladies" we were walking in a line around the unit singing "Stay" by Rihanna, anyway we had some dope memories, I miss you boo , we always was fighting with the girls talking shit , "I was tired of this stupid fucking drama" yeah we were the 2 craziet girls there always getting into fights , but I miss you boo, but we're out of Canyon Ridge mental hospital now. HECTOR DOESNT HAVE FACEBOOK Noooooo, I'm so sad tear tear. Love you sexii
Haha ik me too i love ya too
I edited my post its to long lmfao
Hell yeah it is
I'm high
Aye bitchy make one about me homie you didn't write me a letter *tear tear*
Its alright tho and i will try just letmme do some stuff real quick iam trying to find out gio stuff tbh i lost everything
Shit man in Corona?
Yea thats what everyone else told me
Aha he lost your letter huh
Idk tbh
I was so pissed Hector threw my letter away, Lanette is NOT his sister, cuz they have the last name Perez lol, he said it was "favoritism" and I laughed at his ass then he got all mad cuz I wouldn't leave the nurses station I was singing to Maria before graveyard shift came, my voice was slow and sexy and me and Hector were chilling and he kept staring lol, he was flirting, but ya I sang a slow sexy song really loud and Hector was dancing and I started laughing, fucking Hector dude
Haha yea lol aye will u hwlp me find giovanni?
What's his last name? He didn't give u his info in his letter? I saw him blow you a kiss oh yeah "499 yo ass is mine" aye I'll help you since he's in my area
I know he has glasses and his hair is black
Oh it's 909 your ass is mine , I got it right lol
No
Fuck
Ik i been looking lol
Cuz it said he lived in Corona so i thought it was him
Boo can u right that post about me so I can feel the love
Oh haha lol
I'm desperate cuz I'm feeling good lol idk what I'm saying I'm delusional
Hey bitchy
I am taking Sara to her psychiatrist office tomorrow but I do not know what time. if it is early enough I will be driving her to school as soon as he calls tomorrow morning I will know and I will let you know.
It is very important for Sarah to be started on one extra medication.
Sara did not make it to school this morning. Very tired from the hospital and from being up last night. So far I can not wake her and I have a Drs appt at 10. Looks like she's sleeping today.,,,
Hear ye hear ye
Just joking....
I will be picking Sara up from the hospital this evening and she should be returning to school May 7th
Is out from school since last Wednesday in the hospital. I will let you know when she gets out.
Just wanted to give you an update Sara is still in the hospital I will let you know as soon as is out and will be at school.
Damn, last night I had a weird ass dream, I was jumping the wall and was like "give me more, it's so satisfying" lmfao it was nasty
I'm glad my suicide attempt was a fail, I love you ❤️
I think I'm gonna make it anyway ❤️
I'm turning 17 on May 20th
This is my song
I love u Preston
I'm so glad that suicide attempt was a fail
FAIRY LARRY lmfao I was at school with Izzy and he was talkin bout his homie and I was all making up names for him, Fairy Larry, then all the library workers started crackin tf' up, damn I miss Izzy, I loved that foo
I get to see Izzy tomorrow, if I don't imma be pissed
I'm surprised I can actually control myself when I drink
It isn't a successful BBQ into a drunken idiot walks in face first into a closed sliding glass door, don't flatter yourself I drunk text everyone
I may be crazy but there's a method in my insanity
Fuck it lets have a beer
I'm so tired and I'm dizzy lol
I look like a crackhead in this pic lol
Awwww your so sweet, what you up too
Me too lol, I'm listening to music, DEEZNUTS
Ewwww asshole lets talk on here, dis bitch don't play *starts twerking*
Mayweather or Pacman?
Didn't he cheat I didn't watch the whole fight but I watched some of it
WHERES WALDO AUSTIN?
OOHHHH, who lives in a pineapple under the see?
*sea lmfao
I FOUND WALDO yayyyy
Your sexy, your fine, I really wanna make u mine
It's a song and I dedicated it to you
All in all its just a mother brick in the wall
I have that whole album Austin
I have a poster
Call me later tonight if you want bro
Alright bro I'll try I'm eating right now lol
Sweet
MAC AND CHEESE
I need some of that
Call me when u can bro
Ight
I'm a happy idiot
When I'm drunk I can't control myself...
Wow Preston, you just pissed me tf' off
Fuck you
umm I don't think so *troll face*
Fuck you you stole the troll face from me, I stole it from trolololol
Oh fuck yeah . Guess who got drunk at the hospital and rolled a blunt, this bitch right here
Nah I rolled a blunt a long time ago but I never considered that smoking weed, plus I've done all the hardcore drugs
What am I? Uhhhhhh *shreks angry face* hahahaha
Hy u keep coming. From the hospital
Why lol?
Idgaf I'll call later, I'm in a lazy ass mood rn
Damn you sound mad and lazy
Nah I'm just bored lol
O because. I was like where da. Love at
I feel fucked up lmfao at Canyon Ridge Mental Hospital in Chino, I'm going fucking crazy, I'm sick in the head, just arrived at the mental hospital, I feel so outted hahaha
We were getting hygiene and I was like "I want Hectors sausage" then I screamed really loud cuz Hector heard me and he was like "who's screaming bloody murder?" Haha good times good days
I twerked my ass in front of Hector In the window on the unit and he was standing right there doing vidals && he gave me this look, then we cracked tf' up lmfao
HUMP DAYYY, I finally got it right, today's Wedesday
I smell like the hospital ewwww lmfao
Dat ass tho
Is that for me? Oh you shouldn't have
Eyebrows on fleek
Don't do drugs kids
Only you can prevent forest fires
Everybody say sausage keep it going, eggs, bacon, grits, sausage I like that shit but I got that sausage, imma white bitch but I still get sausage, bitches ain't shit imma suck dat sausage, I got red hair (I got a pair) and I like that sausage, I don't even know if I believe everything your trying to say to me, tell me I'm alive...
Everybody say sausage keep it going, eggs bacon grits sausage, you ain't got nothin on me but I still got that sausage. <3
Saras meds - Vyvanze 70 mg am invega 6 mg am & pm Zoloft 100 mg a m.& pm Vistral 50 mg three times a day. Cryeselle 28 tabs BC pills. Colace100 mg 2x a day. Meds as of April 1st 2014. Add bendryl at night to help sleep 50-100 mg.
Yo -listening to Basic Vacation
I'm not going to school today hahahahahahaha
No Izzy, No School
It's 11:47 pm, time to go to bed
Fuck the golden ticket, I got weed
No sir, I do not like to "Move It Move It"
Yo, what's up? I don't fucking no I'm just watching vines Oh cool I'm just on the bus Are you drunk ??? You know I don't drink.
I don't know shit
So you don't know me? Aye I look ugly in this pic and I know u lmfao DEEZNUTS
Asshole... Just kidding I'm just fucking with you, I gotchu you my homie
SpongeBob in the hood ❤️
Sausage Vine
Stay Outta Control c: <333 continued...
Broken Not Broken I'm Yo Sleepy (;
(Continued from IBR 2)
For the next 5 years, i became crazy and then i finally lost myself, i had severe violent homoscidal anger issues, killed myself 154 times, had skitzophrenia, anxiety, anorexia, and had every single mental illness there was, put on every medication in the mental health department, not all at once tho, became so crazy that i went physco the whole 5 years having nonstop episodes, i started stealing, doing drugs, basically all the drugs, overdosed and took pills and smoked to get high, became an alcohalic, been to over 83 mental hospitals, had so much issues, and behavorial problems, numbing the pain with alcohal and i was emotionally distrubed, severly depressed, TRUEIZ im an alcoholic, i have unsafe and bad behavors, i got abused by my dad, i abused my brother, i self abuse and self medicate myself and others, i have anorexia too and im mentally out of it, in an emotionally disturbed state of mind, the pain is killing me, when my parents divorced i became mentally out of it, my dad beat my mom, i was in a broken home, but i learned from that bad experience, in my life i used to numb all my sadness, my pain and my hurt with acting out, i began to be outta control, partying, fighting, doing drugs, being criminally dangerously physcotic, drinking alcohol every single day, now im 8 days sober, ive had a bad past and bad experiences, i have alot of pain, im very emotional and ive had a bad traumatizing life, my parents getting divorced and my dad dieing are the 2 main things that changed me, so i became ill, my personal life was shit but i keep that a secret, and ive been through alot, my depression is harmful, and i drink and self medicate to numb all my pain, it works for awhile but it comes back, so i keep doing it, i have an addictive personality, and i got addicted to alcohol and substances, yes im Autistic and have anger issues, my mom almost went into a coma, her heart was slow, im so depressed i dont eat, yes ive done crazy things and im so sad and upset, ive gone through a bad time, i was a bad kid with bad behavors, im disturbed and sick in the head, an emotional wreck, i have all the mental disorders, my dad got so abusive with my mom i went into the attack, the whole day cutting myself, i have severe anxiety, i protected my mom from my dad oh im stupid oh so stupid, i wanna kill myself, no need to live anymore and i fake a smile everyday to hide all my pain, ive gone to therapy, and im a mamas girl, im unsafe, i have an attachment disorder, im not happy at all, i got locked up in residential for a year, in an out of treatment and mental hospitals, and a group home, i have anorexia, depression, insomnia, borderline personality disorder, Autism, im suicidal, homoscidal, addicted to drugs, i ran away and was on the streets for 2 months, i have anger issues, i fight, i abuse drugs and alcohol, been arrested, i self harm, ive been in 200 restraints, arrested 97 times, ive been 51/50'd 65 times, ive been to the mental hospital 83 times, ive had 154 suicide attempts, 22 homoscidal attempts, when i was on the streets i was fucking crazy, basically i was in my own underground gang, did gang related shit, mainly selling myself, prostituting and doing physcotic shit, ive ranaway 600 times, i cut myself and drink everyday, i abuse my brother, im sick, ive almost been to jail more then 20 times, theres half my life you dont know about, im a physcotic attemptive killer, ive tried killing but i didnt succeed when i was posessed by my hallucinations i went physco, in the middle of the night attempted to murder my family, went crazy at night and did dangerous physcotic shit, inside and outside, no one fucking knew haha dumbasses, i hear voices and see objects, people, another world, everything, theres Elizabeth, Erin, Jade, Jym, Johnny, Constance, bad daddy and good daddy, and duplicates of people, animals, or things, they abuse and possess me, Johnny rapes me and is technically my master, and ive gone crazy, im done 3 my mom has changed, my brothers changed, ive changed and was the only one who went crazy i went the illest and the most crazy, but we grow together as a family, ive done some physcotic shit, ive threw up my food and my worse problem is my anger, my life is a heavy weight on me, i eithder binge eat cuz im depressed that i dont eat for months and i have to drink Ensure, my mind went mentally backwards, and then i stopped, why am i going mad? i need help and need to get my life back on track, i dont sleep for days, i become so unstable, i do bad things, mainly while possessed, abuse my brother, my mom recently went into acoma, i saved her, i cant lose her shes all i got, i took care of her, almost took her to the hospital, now she needs to get off sleeping pills, i abuse pills, im now learning to love my life. i lost power fotr my fown (phone) , Izzy Phoney/froney (Phone), i may seem happy and im having a good day, but im full of pain and dead inside, at the beginning of the day im hyper, and at the end im always exausted, my story full of RAQE, FULLofRAGE, btw i like to make impressions, make fun of people, talk shit and laugh. for me, this is rage, Dopey Starry Eyes 3 i walk alone, tell me now, dont you understand? i just blacked out, Goodnight... -.- <3333 LOVE.ME.TENDER c; i run into trouble every corner every turn, i fall into a hole of self pity, as i walk into an empty room, i look around and all i see is glimpses of all the memories, scared and sane, just let me say, i never thought it would be this way, there was bottles of liquor on the table, these dopey starry eyes cant resist, i try to have control over myself, but i dont know what i want anymore... thoughts of my past race through my head, my pain starts racing up and through my body. "Sorry gotta do it, im not myself, ive lost myself, now i drink it all away, you proud now Daddy?" i down 3 bottles and i soon pass out, i wake up throwing up... "I TOLD you not to do it, wow Sara you NEVER listen!" what did i tell myself about being sober? honestly, i dont give a fuck if im sober anymore, fuck it man ill guess ill have another drink, and another, and another, it looks like im drinking bottle after bottle... That face will be revealed, with the lights out its less dangerous, its all a surprise, twists && turns, im learning how to deal with it, cant do it nomore, i run into trouble every corner every turn, as i fall into a deeper hole of self pity... :( This is the world we live in, these are the scars were given, let me ask wheres my life going to? nowhere exactly, food is disgusting, i have no appetite, every time i eat it makes me wanna throw up. fuck i hate eating.... i havnt eaten for a couple months, my mom threatened to admit to the hospital for eating disorders, or they force me to eat, inject an IV to keep me alive, and forced me food through a tube, ive gotten that before many times, if i dont eat they put me on 48 hour lockdown, i dont get visits or any privledges, i dont get shit im just locked in my room all day, people say "Sara, if you dont eat you could end up dead" like i really give a shit, id rather be dead then alive, id rather be not breathing then dieing inside, OH DONT YOU CRY TONIGHT 333333.When i hear the sound of your voice , i start to cry, soon enough i cant even remember who i was or where i was, or what i was or why i was, questions with no answers, soon enough i cry to much i cant even remember the sound of your voice, it all just fades away :( hey what did i tell you sweetheart? you never listen do you? it goes straight through your head, i told you not to do it, it will end bad it will all crumble infront of you, but you didnt listen, i told you, i really did, shame. Let me set it slow, i gave you what you wanted, let me get it, do it nice && slow :) ;) as the fire burns through my heart and into my soul, im on the outside, your looking in, i can see through you, see your true colours, painful && worried, misunderstood, how could this could be? inside your ugly ugly like me, i can see through you see through the real you <3 when will this end? i taste sour in my mouth, i got no reason to live im pretty fucked up, and desperate for suicide, im mentally disturbed and in a bad state of mind, mentally out of it and ready to fall, then get back up, then fall and watch my life and everything ive known, my whole world, crash to the ground, i cant hold on, sure the sun shines everyday, people say "tomorrow will be ok" im dyeing inside, just cuz the sun shines doesnt mean life is gonna me alright, fuck no fuck nah.... 3 Im not in a good place right now and im sorry i fucked up. Confidence is the only key, i cant think of any better representation of beauty then someone who is unafraid to be herself. i will not make the same mistakes that you did, ive learned the harder way to never let it get that far, baby yes safe && sound , its hard to oh yes it is. i lose my head and everything around me, and more importantly myself. its hard to stay safe so i self medicate, its getting to the point where i cant even trust myself at all, so how can i trust anything at all? forget me past cuz im only 16 almost 17, gone through so much shit, hurt && pain, im afraid, help me save me love me. people think i have the perfect life, the perfect childhood, well you thought wrong, im far from that, ive gone through shit a little kid shouldnt have gone through. ive had a hard life, dealt with shit my whole life, numb the pain in several ways, drugs, alcohol, getting stoned, fighting, cutting, popping pills, smoking, doing crazy shit, having sex, cuz i got raped when i was 10 and never told anybody, try keeping something that severe to myself for 7 years, i still keep it to myself, i hold shit in, ive been through alot, that we held in trying to forget, wake me up, wake me go crazy for 7 years, im almost 17 no normal regular teenage life, im not normal im sick, i keep all my past which is alot of trauma all my life, i hold it in, when i let it out i go physco or end up dead. noone listens to me noone gets me, now id disappear faraway cuz noone understands, why cant i be dead? i walk around 24/7 with hurt and pain, hurtInpain, but i put that aside, live my life. People say that i am strong, im not weak, im always happy, im so sweet, but do u really know me? im NOT happy , i hold it ALL in and cant let it out, cuz im scared... ive lost everybody, im fucked up in the head with a fucked up life, now i cant do it anymore, im done. praying to God, i whisper to myself everynight "God save me, help me stay strong, i love you." ive never been loved or had love in my life, so im broken inside and outside, stay strong for you, ive been hurt so many times, im sorry im sorry, now let me cry... Im alone, i can learn to live a better life, i cant even shed a tear or cry, im so used to bottling it up inside, i dont know how, its impossible, when i do it wont come out nomatter how hard i try, i cant even hold a proper conversation , im stupid and mentally retarded, cuz i have Autism, i function different and im slow, i developed OCD after everything, i used to bully people, never gotten bullied exept by my dad, now i cant even walk in public without breaking down, its gotten to far, ive lost myself now i cant even find myself, its gotten to the point where i cant even function, im to sick to broken, now i reverted back to 7 years old, ive gotten to far in my unstableness that i cant get out, now i cant be normal, cuz i have gotten to far in my depression, my bad life style, i cant get out, im to broken, i try but its over for me, myself && I, its to late, Lord help me recover, "Sara have a goodnight, i hope u feel better tomorrow, my love." <3333 (...to be continued .....)
LIST OF HOSPITALIZATIONS FOR SARA BERGER in 2011-2012 (OLD) 5/10/2010
August 24, 2011 - August 30, 2011 Loma Linda Behavior Health Self Harm Grief - loss
Sept 8, 2011 - Sept 21, 2011 UCI - Self Harm Grief - Loss
Oct 9, 2011 - Oct 12, 2011 - UCI - Danger to Others Grief - Loss
Dec 9, 2011 - Dec 19, 2011 - Canyon Ridge Hospital - Danger to Others - Grief - Loss
Dec 20, 2011 - Jan 9, 2012 - Aurora Charter Oak Hospital - Danger to Others - Grief - Loss
Jan 11, 2012 - Apr 5, 2012 - Oak Grove - Step Down School - Danger to Self & Others - Grief - Loss
Apr 8, 2012 - Apr 13, 2012 - Aurora Charter Oak Hospital - Danger to Self - Grief - Loss
Apr 13, 2012 - Apr 16, 2012 - Riverside County Regional Medical Ctr - Danger to Self - Grief - Loss
Apr 17, 2012 - Apr 27, 2012 - Aurora Charter Oak Hospital - Danger to Self & Others - Grief - Loss
May 5, 2012 - Current - Loma Linda Behavior Health - Self Harm Grief - Loss
-------BlaqSunnnxc (written in CHYC residential treatment center)--------
"LISTEN UP, TAKE ME AWAY" (4/26/2013 THIS IS REAL, THESE ARE ME WRITING ABOUT MY HALLUCINATIONS IN RESIDENTIAL TREATMENT CENTER) "so, this is me, I know you may not expect this cuz I know that I let you down, the way that I just took you outta my life, I just stand there, keeping to myself, and then I just completely freak out, scaring my mom away, Johnny, I know that I told you that it was over, but its not, I still want you to be my master, cuz I need you, Constance, I don't want you to leave me cuz your all I got, I need you to come back and save me, and Erin you fucked up pretty bad, for all of us, but I don't care, I still love you, this is me, Liz Ramos/Sara Berger , ready to raise hell again, ready to unhook that wire, in my life your all I got, I can see the fire inside me, that my life has been torn, to pieces, all I need is someone, someone to love me, raising hell is all I know how to do, I havnt learned nothin' else, I remember that night that I went to ETS mental hospital ER, asking for Constance, I remember I attempted to kill my family, cuz "she" was ready to give me up, she never cared, that's why I killed em' all, then I woke up, still in ETS, Constance why you give me up??? She never cared. Look Mom, don't leave me in my fucked up dream, I need a place to call home, why did I ever touch you when I needed love, fuck you all, Johnnys coming back, and im gonna kill Erin, cuz he made me this way, when I saw my mom burn in a fire, I went to save her but I just gave up, Johnny come back to me, come tell me how to run it, don't take me to The Ends, knives and chains, and love blood stains, tonight im gonna end it all, fuck you bitch, take me away please please, I cut me I know, I ranaway with a knife, I abused me and him, I took me away, and lost myself, save me save me, please, please, please, I cant take this nomore, the pain is building up inside, so take me away, and kill me kill me, please, hes out to get me, get me, oh no im done with everything, and everyone, so that's all, the end." -Sara/Liz
"BLACK SALT" (6/15/13 song written in group home, Rancho Domacitas) "listen up, I don't care what you say or what you do, just leave me the fuck alone, I need time to myself, but everyone just keeps on bugging me, gimme that needle, gimme all my money, give me another cigarette, to calm my pain, I sit in my room all alone, crying to him, but no one answers, cuz no one cares, like Eminem says I am who I say I am, if I wasn't then why would I say I am, in the paper in the news everyday I am. GET OFF ME, JUST HELP ME, I need saving from all this darkness crawling around, gimme my knife, gimme everything I need to die, I don't care, slow or fast, just kill me, gimme some more of that, just wanna check it out, I need that black salt, always that black salt, I don't care, I don't care, need black salt, need the pain, shush little baby, shush your lips and save me, shut the fuck up and help me, always free and high, gimme dat black salt, always need dat black salt, freedom, freedom rings, need that high and that pain, it gives me both, cuz its satisfying, don't tell me you like to cut your wrists to? Cuz I do, do it with me, all I need is some satisfaction, so gimme dat black salt, dats all I need, let me tell you, im not myself but someone else, its black but not salt, cant sleep at night, cuz im to hyped up, to fucked up, the voices are haunting me, Johnny's chasing me, all I need to shut dat shit down, is some black salt, like she said, fuck it, im done, oh baby more rushes of satisfaction, oh help me oh help me, help..."
'FUCK IT, OVER, NOPE" (6/7/2013,written in residential treatment center) "Johnny, stop it, mom is innocent, she didn't kill daddy, no Johnny stop touching me, your making me scream, Constance save me please, let me go, stop raping me, oh fuck you bitch you killed him, hes cutting me, hes killing me, he got drunk and drove my mom off a cliff, he slit her throat and burned her, he likes the satisfaction of it, I know he does, he burned my house on fire, oh Johnny, make me bow down to you, make me your slave, so I get more pain, cut me up, chew me out, send me on a killing spree, guess what im stuck on the streets again, he payed me to abuse him till he was beaten then I abused myself, he made up lies so that I tried to kill my mom and brother in there sleep, I saw daddy, oh Johnny give me more, I like it, lets go raise hell, you will bow down to me, im your bitch, so stick a stone in yo mouth && shut da fuck up, dis is who I am, who the fuck do you think you are? This isn't wrong, this is my life, silently being killed inside, oh im not me nomore, im Elizabeth Ramos, common Johnyy, lets kill her, lets make dem' pay, don't pull that wire, oh bitch you wont see daylight nomore, raising hell is all I know how to do, oh fuck it, im manic and delusional again, no medication for me, im fine, im me, who da hell you think you are? Dis is my life, isolate && hurt me && abuse me, run & kill, fuck it, im fucking done, send me back to Juvenial Hall bitch, lock me up, leave me on the streets for weeks going crazy && losing myself, watch me die as I kill myself, goodbye..."
________________"The Garcias" __________________ (my hallucinations, this is fucking real shit, that ive experienced and what goes on in my head, with my skitzophrenia, this is 100 % real, written in Copper Hills Youth Center, in treatment)
"as I said, Johnny is my master, my only master, the only one that can raise hell without getting caught, I used to me Charlotte McMann, but I escaped, what do you mean if you pull the red wire and it will kill him, everything changed the day I looked him in the eye, and now I completely regret it." -Elizabeth Ramos
"im sorry Liz, I cant, I just, simply cant, you expect me to give up "my" whole lifes work just to quit raising you, and be your new master, hell no, changes are changes, you don't know what to expect." -Constance Ramos
"Johnny "JJ" to Constance, do you copy, send em' all to The Ends, every last one of them." -Johnny "JJ" Garcia
"this is it, the night, the time, JJ im ready." -Erin Ramos
"life can be painful, you don't know what to expect, you make a decision and later you regret it, you turn to darkness and can never find light again, this is what its like to be...US." -Elizabeth Ramos
'time is a loner, wires are our soul, plug them all in, not the red one, don't waste time, the THING is tonight, how old do you think you are? Im older then you, Erin do you hear me? You must never speak of the THING in my presence." -Johnny "JJ" Garcia
"Johnny , the lights are out, now wait and youll see HIM, pass by my bedroom, and youll see my music box, open it, it will reveal what WE really are, so you can be part of US and not be taken to THE ENDS." -Elizabeth Ramos
"sweetheart, I can no longer sing to you, and rock you to sleep, from now on, its ALL you, unless you want to be a McMann, hold this lamp, now watch for the lights, and next time you don't get a 2nd chance." -Constance Ramos
"I want to be a McMann, just to see what its like, I don't give a flying fuck if it kills me, JJ please don't send me to The Ends, ill do ANYTHING, please? FUCKING PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE." -Erin Ramos
(9) Insanity Becomes Reality c;
Insanity Becomes Realityy #9 xx My Life Storyyy -..- :) ^.^ -.- ^____^ I SO SLEEPYxx
Poems Before I Went Into Treatment (back in 2011-2012, WARNING, some are violent && graphic, this is BEFORE I got locked away && sent to treatment, I was still crazy physco unstable mentally ill, I wrote these poems at my behavorial school, Oak Grove, and while I was in the mental hospital 6 times @ Canyon Ridge && Auora Charter Oaks. So don't be tripping)
"Constance" by me ...She looked into her eyes, to see that evil smile, to see her pain decise, && take over all this land, she found her hearts desire, she was dancing in my mind, to find somewhere to run and hide, where no one can find her, and know who she really is, she cries in her sleep, she scared someone might find her and kidnap her once again, she was finally set free, and now she wonders why, people try to make her cry, now that she was free, she still holds the key, to everything and everyone, the wind calls her name and tells her who she is, and the secrets of them all, if she denies her powers and who she really is, then she will end up questioning why she even came here, to this secret land, and how did she escape, we don't know, you promised to take me there to see its preciousness, but you never took me there, I will not go back without you, and this is the truth , the worlds what you make it, cuz its all in your head, oh Constance, oh Constance, please call me back again, for you are the chosen one, so don't deny me, for I am Constance....
"In My Dreams" by me ... in my dreams, in my dreams, I will call you, listen closely to the sounds that surround you, you think your so precious in your dreams, but in reality your nothing, no one knows you excist , for you are someone else, but you keep quiet, and no one can figure you out, for your like a maze, you feel so rejected, but before it was different, honey why oh why did you have to leave me standing in this world so alone? I sit and cry myself to sleep, my dreams are fake, but I feel the pressure, and I need a friend to come and save me from my misery, in my dreams, im the godess of fire, the king of the world, the diamonds in your fire, don't weap sweetheart, for I will give you what you need, to make your dreams come true, a little later I will find you angry, demanding why your dreams did not come true? I wish for fantasy not reality, cuz reality bites you hard, I I tried to tell you it was all a dream, you wished for it to be real, but sorry, I cannot give you, if you want to lie in fantasy, go call on Ivy to switch yo' world round, but don't come cryin' to me if it bites you in da fuckin' ass...
"For all These Shitty Times" by me... I feel so lonely , so hopeless, so alone, like no one understands me, no one cares about me, no one gives me what I fucking want, I need someone to feed my heart, to break down my wall, to heal the hole in my heart, I feel so empty inside, its hard to stay sober, its hard to stay strong, all I had is gone, it went away when you died in my precence, as I watched you bleed, as I cut myself, as I kill those who deserve to be banished, im the only one on this planet, everyone disappeared , along with everything, I felt empty inside, no one can fix the hole in my heart, she calls your name, she begs she pleads, she cries and cries, when she step foot outta her normal routine, things changed, life became hell, when I called on the wind, the oceans rose, the trees fell, the birds went wild, the ground flied high, and broke apart, as I see the moon behind the grey clouds, I pray that I would die in pain, for I was all alone, I felt like no one cared, the scars on my skin were bleeding, but when I watch myself bleed, I laugh cuz dats me...
"Burn Burn" by me... The God, has called me to do his duty of sacrificing, I fill my heart with fire, I run across the bridge, and I almost fell into the fire, I felt my heart race, and I run and run and hide, I cant hold back my tears, the memory of you replays in my head, of when you burned in the fire, and fell down the river, and didn't pass the gate, of judgement, where "L" stands and burns the bad && feeds the good, as I yell BURN BURN PAIN TO THE GROUND, and lift up love, if you see the truth in your eyes, youll see im no liar, but I let go of my burdens long ago, as I walk through the clear river and play happily, something always comes and ruins things for me, as I burn my precious desires in fire, I laugh cuz I don't need no things to survive, but love, I know I may be crazy, but who are you to fucking judge? If you do ill burn you in the fire and see how you'll like it cuz I sure don't, now youll see how I fealt when you threw me away, without thinking, its been a year and now its your turn, BURN BURN BURN, FUCKING BURN BURN BURN, BURN TO THE FUCKING GROUND...
"Elle The Queen" by me... oh sweet Elle, why do you disquard me? Why do you mistreat me? Why do you stop the rivers from flowing? Why do you stop the sun from shining? Why do you hate us so much? Why do you dispise me? Why oh why do you hate the world so much? I feel like im all alone, like no one cares, I call upon you and ask for acceptance, but no you don't give a shit about me, oh Elle, you don't deserve to be queen, you are cruel && restless, evil && miserable, yes I said it. I will banish you like you banished me, I will treat you the way you treated me, cuz that's how I live, I stick to my promises, I stick to my word, unlike you, you ungreatful piece of shit, oh Elle, why so evil? Why so morbid? Turn that frown round, lighten up your face, bring out a smile, loosen up the frown bitch, why so forgetful? Get dat frown turned around, twist it all around, loosen up that frown, oh where do we begin? Turn that frown around, why so angry? Why so sad? That's just my question to you, my dear....
"InsideTheOutside" by me... As I turn on the TV at night, I watch it for hours straight, but after so long my mind gets addicted && I cant stop, it sucks me in, && I cant stop it, for it overpowers me, another thing is that when I fall asleep, I cant wake up inside my dreams, I am trapped, as I walk past the shapes that float, the animals singing, the floating objects, the abnormal bizarre things, the stairs that are like a maze, objects floating in the air, the feelingless feeling, you can do whatever I want but run && scream, sometimes I have nightmares that I cant seem to stop, so I call the sandman and make him save me, as I cross the dreamscape, I can skip into others dream, they make no sense, but it brings back memories, then a dream starts and a dream must end, oh how original, how thoughtful, the meaningless feeling, under my skin, its tearing me apart, the deeper I go its like an inception, I don't know where imma going, so I have to ask myself, is this real? Or is it all fake??
"I See Myself" by me... I see myself better then all, when I lost myself , I cant deny, that I still don't know me as well as I used to, but I cant seem to find the key to unlock my heart, I forgot my whole life, my desires, fantasies, dreams, friends, family, feelings, every last fucking thing, but how will I view myself in a few years , how will you treat me, in a few days, but one day I will, trust me, I will, become someone else and fly someplace else, and live my life, forget all the past and throw the bad memories away, and walk away, I will defend myself, and if you try && get close and try to fucking break me? ILL FUCK YOU UP YOU BITCH, ILL MAKE YOU BLEED, ILL KILL YOU, ILL TORTURE YOU, YO GOT NOTHING ON ME, ID GO PHYSCO ON YOU, ILL BEAT THE SHIT OUTTA YOU, THEN KIDNAP YOU AND SLICE YOUR BODY OPEN, THEN PUNCH AND ATTACK YOU VIOLENTLY, BEAT YOU TO DEATH, ABUSE YOU, SO DON'T FUCK WITH ME IM ONE CRAZY ASS BITCH, ILL SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD, ILL GO CRAZY ON YO BITCHASS, anyway, I will show you, that you have no power over me, you cannot take advantage of me, forawhile now, I have turned evil, fell into the darkness, and crashed, I cant find my way back, my hate is in the way, I cant seem to find what im looking for, and im infuriated with everything and everyone, I hear voices in my mind of evil && good, happiness && sorrow, possessing me, taking over me, making me go crazy, I feel so angry cuz nooneunderstands me, im me, no one else, stop making me change, cuz bitch im me && only me, no one else, so fuck off, for I see myself...
"This Land" by me... the land faraway, the land that's beyond us, so long so long ago, when we used to be free, in the waters, all together, memories past, and love spreads round', in this land, oh this land, this land where I want to go, where I want to see again, I need to live my life again, I want to be young again, the plants grow tall and the people spread, the love gets stronger, and the hate descends, I feel more accepted in this place, oh I want to go to this land, where friends are to be made, I seize the love from so far away, I dream and dream that I will go there, someday, all you got to do is find the key then take it to the beginning && unlock the gate, and race till' the end, no way I will give up, cuz I looked and looked for so long, but I never found it, I wonder why, I lost the key, to the place that I still love, I need to escape from this world of pain, please oh please, take me away to this special place, please please I want to go away, and breakaway, for good, hey, please, save me before I fall down again...
"Nena Fortriss" by me... Nena Nena, the Godess of Love, please help me from being held captive, please, save me from evil stray, as the slaves in the house are being beaten && the walls are closing in, they will rip you apart, I will tear you to pieces, the wall is alive, if you find the key to change the heart in the wall, and escape your prision your building around you, the way I see it, doors have souls, windows have eyes, animals have mouths, and candles have powers, as I stand alone n in this room, standing tall and alive, the fire from above comes down on us, is it reality or our imagination? Oh Nena, why the hell did you betray us? Your children, your family, you only saved yourself from misery, but the slaves are dead, and so are the animals, the wind stopped, the tides paused, the day turnt to night, inna blink of an eye, I cant last any longer in this fucking horrid place, we have no food, no money, no one to love us, we are pathetic fools, but Nena, just save us, from being abused and beaten , if you were a true Godess, you would put us first, im begging you Nena, just rethink it before the day ends and you cant do anything, if you don't help us, when we get out, I will fucking pay you for all this shit, for what you put us through...
"At Its End" by me... she sings, she sighs, she dances, she cries, she holds onto the memory of her mothers music box, as it played a tune so happy and cheerful, all the people just stood there, and listened, when you reach its very end, the wall crashes down and crushes your soul, the wall is not responsible for trapping you inside, its your fault because you built that wall , but you built it to big, and it fell and fell until the very end, when the world was ending, the people are dieing, the disease is spreading, now will you burn in hell? Or continue your journey at its end? I wasted all that precious time to see my future but it wasn't worth it, I wish I can change back time, to relive my life that I wasted, but at its end it doesn't even matter, I became evil and crazy and physco and mentally ill, but I want to change before I cant do anything, at its end, I cried, because its all over, and I cant change myself, I need to erase myself, remove myself, replace myself, delete myself, lose myself, and kill myself, I put it off until the last minute, but now I regret it , I look into the globe and I see sorrow, I see pain, I see tears, but now I want to change the future, oh at its end, I start crying and sobbing but its all because of you, you're the one that made the deal to give up my life to see the future, you bastard, you tricked me, but its at its end, so it doesn't even matter, so don't even fucking try or attempt to change the present, cuz its at its end...
"So Wrong" by me... I feel like slamming the door on you, you idiots follow me everywhere, what the fuck is wrong with you? I think I see, that ive finally found myself, I see the diamonds in your fire, cuz babe, you thought, oh you got it all wrong, I feel like im dieing inside, please help me before I totally fall apart, oh you got it all wrong, please don't tell me im wrong, please don't kill me on the outside, like you killed me on the inside, oh baby I feel so alone inside, like no one is with me but myself, I hear these voices inside my head, oh kill me now cuz baby I feel so alone, so alone, oh baby, you think im joking around, but you know how I feel, I pretend im okay, but im really not, cuz honey you got it all wrong, oh please just tell me , ill be alright, cuz baby you told me that everything will be alright, cuz ive fallen asleep inside my eyes have closed and I cant wake up, baby wake me up when my pain all goes away, so just wake me up, cuz you got it all wrong, all my life ive seen through the wrong eyes, everything so negative, oh baby, you got it all wrong, oh, so so wrong...
'In The Time Being" by me... So God, call me up until my life ends, in my time being, I will try to make the best outta life, even tho its all gone wrong, in the time being, so please tell me, that its ending soon, outside and inside im ugly, sometimes I see myself falling and falling and dreaming of a better place,so please don't get me wrong, cuz I don't feel the same, baby I don't understand your desires for me, its all done for so don't come crying to me, all I do is try and try and try to fight it off, cuz baby im all torn inside, and its all your fucking fault, you left me and that's all I need, its my desire for you to take me to a better place, you tell me its my fault,but its not its yours, if you wouldn't have left me then I wouldn't be in this spot right now, cuz baby you got me rolling over and over, I hit rock bottom, so don't say that im done with you, im over and over im done, I see that you don't care anymore, so baby its all over im done with you, cuz that's all I got, oh in the time being, im making the best of this, am I done for, or do I think that I fell to far, im going to make my best in the time being....
"A New Day" by me... im sorry for what ive done, I wouldn't listen to you, why oh why do you keep following me? I got pissed off and I tried to runaway from my problems, but they keep following me, why did I go AWOL today? I just needed to breakaway, I just need some time alone, I know I act out and I have a lot of issues and I never listen to anyone but myself, I was having a shitty shitty day, turn inside and outta, I was just having a bad day, I don't know what my problem is, im dieing inside, please kill me now, oh baby, idk why the fuck I destroy myself and my own property, cuz theres just something wrong, I feel like no one understands me, I feel so much pain, that no one understands, I need someone to care for me, to love me, I have so many problems and I keep them held inside, my medication doesn't help me, oh no, im gonna make this a new day, im gonna try harder to be good and behave, my misery is killing me, I know I act like everythings alright, but if you knew what was going on inside, oh if you understood, im gonna try to make this a new day, where I will try to be happy, is this my life? Oh I hate my life and want to die, cuz I feel so wrong, "I don't feel good" "really mommy" "im not okay" "I don't feel normal" "I feel sick" im surrounded by misery , im gonna make this a brand new day, im gonna try, to find out whats wrong, oh its gonna be a brand new day...
"Get Me The Fuck Outta Here" by me...Get me out bitch, don't you hold me down, gonna burn this shithole to the ground, and watch the fire burn, get me the fuck outta here, I may have issues but I don't belong here, thanks bitch, its all thanks to you, you fucking cunt, this place sucks dick and you know it, ive been here to many times and it's a living hell, get me the fuck outta here, oh right, were all crazy, but im the fucking craziest and im a physcopath imma fucking rebel crazy ass stoner fighter aggressive bitch, were all crazy and that's who we are, oh baby get me the fuck outta here, I don't belong here, im to crazy, I think my medication stopped working, the doctors and nurses are all fucking bitches, go fuck off before I kill you, I want to be left alone, got in another restraint, got another shot, got in another fight, had another physcotic episode, attacked the staff violently plus 5 residents, I wanna be left alone and do my thing, stop following me, just get me the fuck outta here, been in and out of treatment for 4 years, I know how to fuck the system, this is what I was born to do this, give me my drugs, gimme that please, gimme what I please, get get me outta here, your so wrong, you don't know shit about therapy, or me either, cuz your worthless, get me the fuck outta here im begging you, I cut my wrists like anyone cares, oh get me the fuck outta here, this is who I am, so fucking respect it, I wanna be free, let me go, get me the fuck outta here, I will fucking kill you, you morons stop talking to me, oh get me the fuck outta here...
"Its My Life" by me.... I know that you don't understand how I feel, I know that I cant understand why you say these things, you were wrong, I do what I want, you cant trust me nomore, cuz I do crazy things, life sucks dickj and that's the fucking straight up truth, I held onto this pain for so long, I know, oh I know, that you think im physco, you think im addicted to the things I do, the same old routine over and over , oh its my life, please don't forget, oh its my life baby and it never ends, don't judge me, you cant control me, cuz its my life and baby its not yo life, oh im waiting and waiting for this day to end, you are the brick that's holding me down, oh baby its my life, I cant control myself, oh its my life, and it will never ever end so make the best outta it, cuz its my life, oh its my life, baby its my life and I will never forget, cuz maybe I am holding myself down, what the fuck am I doing, im different, im acting different, im acting strange,I don't know what im doing imma very high bitch, maybe ill be gone so don't hold me down, yeah, fuck it, its my life, yes its my life...
"You Hoez Are So Fuckin' Retarded" by me... If you come down to my hoe house, then bitch you'll see what im like, oh fuck imma losin' my mind baby, dats who I am, oh bitch please, gonna smoke some good shit, go fucking crazy, come on ya no yo want some of this, come on bitch, no I don't care whos watching, cuz ill do what I want oh yes , ya hoes are so fuckin' retarded, I go fucking physco crazy insane nuts till I get locked up or arrested, know all the cops in riverside, call the cops, ill fuck you up, yes imma talkin bout you, fuck it bitch ill take all ya shit away im done with you assholes, dis shit is fucked, ha yah aha yo need a life besides being a dirty lil whore, yes you lil' perv you, you got this straight your just a fucking retarded bitch with shit to do, so hahaha im talking about you, so yes youll lose if you wanna fuck with me or the homie, go ahead see how far ya little ass will get, hmmm bitch, hmmm, fuck this shit, cuz ya hoes are so fuckin' retarded, do ya need a hug, well to bad, I wanna see your ass get fucking shot down with a shotgun, bitch oh yes, I think your wrong, you're a little fucking idiot with no life, no respect for no one, ill land yo damn ass in jail, actually wait don't trip, both of our crazy asses in jail, imma kill you, until the jail rotts on ya fucking body, cuz im fucking crazy, try me lil' bitch, end up locked up again, fuck that...
"811" by me... I got a little fucked up last night, had a lil' to much to drink, I grabbed the knife, ran into my room, going insane, cuz im fucking crazy, this close from losing my mind, laying on the couch, a little to much vodka, I shot some meth up my arm, got a lil' fucked up last night, ran into the upstairs bathroom, threw up my dinner, I think I went a little to crazy, last night, I may be sober now, not taking those pills, going crazy, got a little messed up last night, mom and brother soundly sleeping, secrets kept, not to be told, scared to say, call 911, wheres my money, gimme my money, wheres my money, gimme my money, got a little out of it last night, knocked out on the couch, thinking about just one more hit, one more shot, don't wanna be on the streets again, don't wanna get locked up, cuz baby yes im crazy, got a little messed up last night, sorry to say call 911, I told you so, yeah I told you so, so why you questioning me? Aye aye, why you questioning me, oh oh aye aye, that's whats up, a little scared to say, ive lost my fucking mind, call 911, wheres my money, gimme my money...
"Its Called Being Bitchy" by me.... Bitch bitch bitch, datz all yo ever do cuz honey it looks like I don't care, whoops I fucked yo up again, oh well I don't care, cry all you want, things will never get better, somethings got ya in the ass cuz you're a little worthless fuckhead with a life full of shit, I cant take all your lies anymore, ya know what I really don't care, I want a damn break, well do you think I get one? Oh no hell no fuck no, I didn't get one, I think something held me back, wait what the fuck am I doing? Im a very high bitch, so don't worry, worry, oh alright, don't take long or ill kick yo azz outta here, yes im wrong, so don't be cryin' and lieing, so I don't fuck yo up, again, haha, cuz you a dirty little bitch, oh ya that's right, I said it and ya I think I mean it oh, I always mean it haha bitches, yes im me so respect me or well, burn in hell, cuz I lost respect for you pathetic little fakeass, , well a long time, ya bitch datz right...
"No No No" by me... oh no you think your so damn pretty, you think you can just walk out the door, and fly away, I open the door, and I slip and fall, blood stains on the floor, oh no no no, why I keep cutting? I don't even fucking know, its like an addiction and I cant stop, the pain is filling my heart, so full it almost explodes, im sick and tired of people asking why I do the things I do, it's a long long story, and I cant explain it all, my scars tell a story, as they bleed and bleed, I remember all the memories being shattered all over the floor, up and down I walk around, and see all the blood spilled on the floor, I cry and I scream, no no no, whats happening to me? Screaming down stuck to the floor, but no ones there to see me broken apart, I scream no no no, what the fuck am I doing? Im losing my mind, I don't know why im acting this way, you scream no no no, I don't even think it hurts you to see me in pain, but this is wrong, its all damn wrong, I cut and cut nonstop, and nothing can change my mind, no place to run, oh no place to go, baby no no no, its all gone wrong...
"Freedom To Speak" by me... no one understands, no one cares, having the same dreams over and over again, telling me a message that I cant figure out, oh no, every day I wake up in the morning with thoughts racing in my mind, baby I have my freedom to speak, even tho no one understands, I thought that I was the only one that could figure myself out, even tho I tell people my feelings, it looks like no one cares, but I have the fucking freedom to speak, you better understand what I say, cuz I have the freedom to speak, you better listen or ill fuck yo ass up, so hard, ya ya so hard, everyone has feelings, and so do you, so mamma I guess you don't care, if I run you over, we all have the freedom to speak, no one knows what im feeling inside, until it all unravels, piece by piece, but when it comes out, its gonna be a big fucking explosion, all alone, yes oh yes, I have something to say, but no one understands, I have the freedom to speak, but I guess no one even cares, so why even reply if its gonna be bullshit? Oh I have the fucking freedom to speak, bitch ya yes I do, ill fuck yo up so hard, ya so hard....
"One Day I Will" by me... one day I will be stronger, I will let myself grow taller, I will try to be better, one day I will let people help me, I know its hard to survive in this huge world of pain, buts look whos cryin' now, one day I will get revenge on all yo people who screamed at me, I already gave you what you deserve, but its still stuck in my mind, one day, yes one day, I will forget all the pain and the trauma that scarred me, one day, oh yes one bright sunny day, I will make things right for me and you, tonight I will tell you how I really feel, oh so wrong, one day yes one day, I will tell you straight up that you're a bitch, but ill say it, speak it with violence, one day I will grow stronger, one day ill try to find myself, that I lost so long ago, yes oh yes, one day one day, ill be there for you, but I feel yes I feel so alive, but I feel yes I feel so alone, that I think no one ever will get the messege im trying to spread, oh so all alone, yes so all alone, cuz I cant fill the hole in your heart, with my love and sympathy, cuz I don't have none, for a worthless person like you, yes one day I will find someone else other than you, so fuck off....
"This Is The Time" by me.... Sunday morning, I wake up kicking at the floor, asking God, why why why, but then I remember, he isn't there, but true is, He is there, watching over you, I lay down for awhile remembering the memories we used to have, theres no one home, and I walk and walk outside the door, the further I get, the more I wonder why, why am I crying, why aint I smile'n , this is the time that I remember who I really am, its harder then this, and im better than this, this is the time, please make me remember why I feel this way, am I stronger than this? Im empty inside, you need to fill the hole with joy, but this is the time that im in so much pain, that my heart breaks in millions of little pieces, this is the time that my life ends, after awhile I sit down on my bed, feeling lonely to, I need someone to hold me, while I get my feelings out, wondering why I feel this way, no one gets me, no one has a heart, this is the time, I tell you why I do the things I do, this is the time, yes its time to feel myself, feel my feelings, and call my mom and tell her how I really feel, cuz ive been roaming the streets for weeks, homeless, going crazy, call my mom to pick me up so I can go back home, I feel dumb, I feel numb, I feel so wrong, for what I did, to you...
"Lovers Lane" by me... oh as I pass the streets through the clear moonlight, the sky a shade of grey, I see the people, depressed and blue, heads hung low, drunk in sorrow, dreams broken, heartbroken, oh I close my eyes and I dream of a better place, oh baby baby, oh hear me hear me, your in lovers lane, lovers lane, a place of sorrow and broken dreams, oh let me tell you, forever is not that much fun, fun, fun, oh fun, oh, no fun, oh as I walk the streets, through the clear cloudlight, the sky a shade of black, see those people sad with sorrow, heads hung down, drunk in dreariness, dreams broken, heart broken, oh I close my eyes and kiss me sore, watch me soar, oh honey honey, hear me hear me, your in lovers lane, oh yes, lovers lane, a place of sadness and anger, oh let me tell you, love doesn't last forever, no not forever, forever, forever not even forever, doesn't last forever, oh I see the streets, through the harsh weather, the sky a shade of darkness, I see people getting' happier and happier, heads hung higher, drunk in happiness, dreams on fire, hears together, oh I close my eyes and sing a happy song, oh honey honey, please hear me hear me, your in lovers lane, lovers lane, a place of love and dreams, oh let me tell you, they'll get happier soon, oh as I pass the streets through the clear shade of sunlight, the sky a pretty blue, I see the people happy and excited, heads hung high, dreams in there arms, hearts pierced together, oh I close my eyes , thankful im in this place, oh baby baby, hear me hear me, hear me now, your in lovers lane, lovers lane, let me tell you this place has changed and so have we, I love this place, this place, this place, oh, lovers lane...
"Strayin' In The Water" by me... Oh you crying, oh you screaming at the top of your lungs, your hunting and hunting for some food to eat, don't scream to loud, youll wake "him" up, he is the one you murdered in the streets at night, he might come back more alive then before, come back so alive, come back so hysterical, oh she was seizing love that burnt to ashes, but no that's not the plan, oh you crying, oh yo screaming, at the top of your lungs,your hunting and your hunting for someone elses dreams, don't go after, no no no, oh why don't you just take a break from all this chaos, and stray in the water, why don't you just laugh like the rest? Don't be ashamed, no need for tears and crying, shush and sleep tight, theres a rumor going round && round, it really leaves me cold, why don't you just take a break and stray in the water, no evil stray, but you calm, let yourself relax, as you stray in the water, after you do so enough you will find yourself and let your life make sense, oh straying in the water, if you see dust at the corner of your eyes, just wipe it off with yo hands, oh why don't you take a break and stray the waters, oh straying in the water, how long will it take for me to dream, be happy, and be mentally into it again, not mentally out of it, will my dreams come true? Go find yourself, then think outside the box and you will find yourself, once again...
"Through The Heart Of The Child" by me.... You think you know everything, you think your so mature, but you act like a child, you argue safisticated, but its like your 2 people, because one is intelligent, and one is immature, oh don't wake the child, in his sleep, he has nightmares and he will hurt you, he sleepwalks everynight, and he screams like a child, you are older but you act younger then you are, your more crazier then you think you are, even though your Autistic, don't blame yo childest actions on it, yeah yeah yeah, through the heart of the child, oh oh oh, but the only thing you do is cry like a child, you never ever cry, you cant take care of yourself, and you cant live alone, cuz youll go crazy and start having physcotic mental episodes, one after one, for hours straight, mentally out of it, your hyper then angry, then depressed, and it changes often, through the heart of the child, oh yeah, oh baby your looking through the heart of the child, your yelling through the heart of the child, don't mess with it and its power, don't break its dreams, oh that child, that child that child, reminds me of me, cuz it is me, don't stare to long though, through the heart of the child...
(10) Insanity Becomes Reality c;
Insanity Becomes Reality #10. My Life Story. C;; Aliveeeeeexx
DaiiNiqhtSoundscx----
World crashinqqqq c; :3 <3333 123 suck my dick. Lol✋❤️ Circles && squares, hearts to you ✋❤️
-Don't Go Cryin' To Yo Mama-- xoxo
(Lovin "The Weeknd". xo)
Pretending to be happy when your in pain, is just an example of how strong you are as a person, I don't regret my past, but I do regret the time I spent with the wrong people :3 ^.^ ❤️ Listen to My Boo❤️✋
that's what's up
- listening to My Boo at Canyon Dental, the office of Shikha Banerjee DDS.
Chat With Matthew Clements:
I was in walmart and I swear I was on something lol, aye ese I tried to call u but u got a new number wtf lol
I got a new number
Hmu with it
Oh you just did haha
Call me sister
Okay sister
Alright, give me a minute
I'm at the dentist and it smells like Chinese food in here lmfao BLACKFINGER BRUH!!
- at Canyon Dental, the office of Shikha Banerjee DDS
It's raining
People claim they be on the streets and all that shit && I'm just sitting here like, you don't even know the streets. ✋ cuz one second your on the streets they can't handle it, bruh , just stop. ❤️✋
My dream is to fly
Over the rainbow so high
Oh my dream is to fly
Over the rainbow, so high
Aye. C:
Getting ready to go out with my mama
I hope you can come down for my birthday, love u sis ❤️ have a good day && tell Logan to behave (that rhymes lol)
I came downstairs and one of my dogs was snoring && the other ones was sneezing and making a whiny sound after, aww it was cute af'
Yes but I'm trying to stay strong ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I found these quotes about struggles in life, stay strong
Look at my eyes hahaha ✋
Cognitive break
No brain processes
No reality
Don't learn
Brick wall between my brain and reality, so nothing goes through I stay this way for 5 years cuz I'm stupid
-Look how I am today on the pills mister- 10:57 pm drunk high out of it.
Ifeel high yayyyyyy it's just my medication goodnight ladies time for bed swingin trees aye I'm quoozg hehe let's go crazy, this pill works I feel out of reality drunk texture baby baby move faster, I feel so drunk again, hip hip hurray on sleeping pill bruh weeeeewwwee, naive animal, goin insane, time to move the eyes to the tune, goodnight people I'll be at sixxx xc I'll give you the number 72 I feel so good wbu? Dumb dumb, it's 10:52 pm, my brain is wired I've gone insane, haha I feel delirious and happy high now watch me smile goodnight Kyle today is 5/13/2015 eyes all bleek, rabbit blue, hahahaha what's going on Imma crazy drunk, walk around in black Carl, nena where is it I left it on the table, I'm in anothhe place hahaha charade you are, no lily let me go to sleep made me hallucinate all day took shower did dishes no emergency room, now I can do what I want Imma free like the bees I see blue whale morning sail, haha go to sleep ladies it's past 12, feel on air I do no care, losin my mind, about to go crazy I can fly?! Teehee eyes drunk high Sara you need to go to sleep, nite nite nite let the sun rise tomorrow yayyyyyy -Sara on sleep meds
I think I'll have. Beer I need a beer beer me bruh. Nuff said
Hi look at my eyes I look drunk high lol teehee goodnight
Today I feel way better then yesterday ese. It's 5/13/15 at 11 am I am high out of reality, lemme be drunk high as fuck ✋
---Boom Shaka kakaxxxx
Spongebob, your fired
3 cheers for squidward, hip hip boo you stink
Are you feeling it now mr crabs
All hail plankton
Your nice
Butt buddy
Move bitch get out the way
Or nah
Like big butts and I cannot lie
To the windows, to the walls, to the sweat drip down my balls, ah ski ski MOTHAFUCKA , ah ski ski God damn.
Whatchu talking bout Willis ?
What da hell you talking about, I'm not in prison anymore Daryl, Imma boy lmfao just kidding
Walk like a G
Masturbation sounds
MASTURBAtION
Ding dong
Be nice/your too nice/cuz he's nice
Buttface get yo ass down here
Is that the truth or are u just testing me for something
Cuz I said so
Preston, am I mean to you.
Q
Sober for 4 days, yeeeeeeeee c:
Damn bruh I don't think I'll last long tbh lmfao
I've been sober for 4 days
Take all your troubles && put them to bed c: <333 ^.^ ✋❤️
I got new bras , I feel happy lol!
I'm at my physciatrists office , talking to Dr Lee ✋ at Children's Treatment Services
Outta Control Continued c: ✋
(Continued from IBR 8 and 2)
Hey hey hey I see the shade of my morning sun, it's a drug that brings me near. Tomorrow is gonna be a new day, the sun is shining, I have a reason to live, I have a loving family and puppies that love me (just my mom, Laura, Billy, and Preston, no other family) I have a semi wonderful life, just gotta keep remindin' myself about focusing on the positives in life. I'm breathing aren't I, even if I rather be dead, God gave me a reason, right? I have God that protects me, He watches over me and he loves me constantly. He says , "Sara, put the past away , and start over new!" ❤️
All I see is a black shadow following me all around, I can't seem to find what I'm searching for, I'm shaking and shaking, can't control myself, when can I wake up from this nightmare? When I see the bottle of vodka on the table, I can't help myself, I never meant it to turn out this way, I don't have time, just walk away. I'm sorry I'm leaving, sipping bottle after bottle. "Sara your dad cheated on me, he went out to strip clubs and got lap dances and fucked every girl there, he was having sex with every girl, and he came home guilty as fuck, he had to much to drink, he would come home angry, abusive, ranting and raving." He would be ranting and raving about different shit, especially about my mom and how much he hated her whore ass, "I wish I never married you, you fucking slut, get yo fatass up and go get a life, I want a divorce, your not giving me sex." He screamed to me "Imma pound you till you can't breathe" then he beat me, he beat my mom abused her, but abused me 10 times worse, cuz he loved and hated me the most, and he knew I was crazy and losing it; he wanted me to go physco on him, he was sick, sick ass motherfucker, me and my mom would both be screaming, my dad would rant about cheating on my mom, and if she ever left him, he'd kill all of our loved ones, take me and Preston and torture both of us, Preston till he grew fat and died, he was to innocent, I wasn't I was insane, he likes the satisfaction of my pain, and I've tried to kill him, I abused him back, I was homoscidal crazy insane and sick, cuz he made me that way, we would beat eachother every day, we both like the satisfaction of pain, he tortured me and I tortured him , secret fights, after age 9, when I first saw my master Johnny and looked him in the eye, then he possessed me and raised hell, anyway I grew up with him abusing and torturing me so I learned to fight back 10 times worse, but he was stronger, he beat me I tried to get out, it was our "little secret" when I was old enough to realize what was going on, I became physcotic, whenever he abused me physcotically , I would attempt to go physco on him, it worked , but he got me back in a chokehold and beatings, he abused me so much I could have died, daddy's little girl, yeah right bitch. He beat me worse, but I tried to kill him and beat him after age 9. Anyway he would torture me to death, not Preston, he already went physco on me and I am gonna do it back well I started too, and and do a lot of crazy shit to us, with no one to save us, take us away and never see mommy again, not pay child support and we'd never see the light of day again, but if he took me away, I'd go serial killer physco on his ass, and kill him, cuz im crazier then him, protect mommy and Preston before myself, so I would drive Preston back to mommy, and if he'd followed us, I'd beat him, go serial killer insanely physco, torture him worse then me, and I know how, try me bitch, shit happens homie. I'd choke em torture em, and kill him. We would go see mommy, we can make its that far, and we'd be saved, if we let God protect us, it's not over, not yet atleset, like why would my dad go clubbing when he's married to my mom? Sick ass bitch. My mom just told me yesterday I was so fucking pissed, I wanted to kill somebody and go insane like usual, me and my craziness lol, that's some fucked up shit right there. My dad told me he cheated on "his slutbag of a wife" but he told me to keep it a secret, just like when he beats me, I have to keep it a secret, now that he's dead, I can let all my secrets out, so my mom knows, damn. I think I thought I saw you try, but then we would all end up crying, depressed, going insane and in gloom , no where to room, all alone. You ever get depressed on holidays? Like Christmas, Valentine's Day, thanksgiving, Halloween, Easter, I've only spent 9 Christmases with my family out of 16, I was stuck going crazy on the streets, doing physco shit, mainly in treatment, locked up or in the mental hospital, not with my family, I wasn't stable. I spent it with strangers, without my moms comfort without a home , or without my dad (thank God), without my grandparents, my mom is the only person I trust, I give her props for being the best mom she can be! I love you mom, I'm finally home and away from treatment, and with my family, I'm free. <3 the cycle starts over and over again, it can't be stopped, it's a continuous cycle of bad habits , bad behaviors , bad decisions, bad choices... Look baby girl, if you need to cry, no matter how hard it is to let it is, welcome to the inner workings of my mind, the darkness in my heart, my hurricane and my pain. God will help you, through thick and thin, you gotta remember that <3 naive animal, one night baby, in no time you'll have to get away, I can feel your heartbeat. Sara Nicole Berger :) party with a nigga like me, if they want to let you in you know where to find me, all we ever do is love, open up your mind , mind to love, don't you forget...
Listen if you don't like what I'm telling you, don't end up like me, dazed and confused, nowhere to go, nobody to lean on , why don't I just kill myself? No that's not the fucking answer , you watch yourself drift away from yourself and everyone else. It's my life and it never ends, why can't I have my old life back? I'm tired I'm done I'm iver my life, I'm done trying to break free, cuz I'm trapped in darkness. I hate fucking liars, instead of bitching about your problems, help eachother out, I'm suffocating suffocated, on my pain, I can hardly breathe, I can't take this hurt away, I'm sorry mama , I didn't mean to push you away, I was scared and I had a bad life and I'm bad and crazy, and I've been hurt so many times, I'm afraid so I push everyone away, even my loved ones, I don't mean to, I'm just hurt and dieing, and I'm scared... People use me and throw me away, I got over raged over raqed and fucked up. Shit man I was fucked up, shit man I was out of it. Listen, aye, I gotchu, don't trip bout nothin' cuz I would go fucking physco most days, all day, everyday, some days I just want to disappear, a letter to you, strawberry letter 22, dear me, Goodbye. I'm killing myself, bye man ... -Sara
Aye beautiful, I gotchu you got me alright , yes don't you cry tonight, I feel numbed, cracked, disabled, not in reality, eventually I got tired of being hurt all my life, all the pain, so I changed, yes you told me, you'd never change, take your own path, it will never be the same again, cuz a dream starts and a dream must end, cuz your original... Everyone I had left and threw me away, stopped loving me, turned against me, except my mom. Everyone hated me for no reason, they all turned against me for no fucking no good reason, just cuz I'm insane, ok bye Felecia... I never had love a life without love, a loyal friend, a healthy relationship, even a relationship, I've had nothing, it's to good to be true then it all falls apart, I'm bad in relationships I'm not physcoally or mentally healthy , I'm tired of my pain, with no love and care except my mom, she's lived with me my whole life, I'm all on my own, now I'm scared to love , scared to trust, to have a relationship, I've been hurt and pained all my life, it kills me, I need someone, just one person to love me, cuz all I have is a couple people, my mom, and my brother and sister, and izzy, but I never had anyone they all left... That's why I'm the crazy person today cuz I've never had anyone, gone through so much shit, have so many problems, never got a break , never happy, had trauma hurt and craziness all my life. Bad life, bad past, I even hate myself I'm not strong I'm weak, help me God! That's why I've gone INSANE! That's why I'm the crazy broken insane angry physco hurt mental Ill sick fucked up person I'm today, people change, now I've changed, into different forms of insane darkness. Now I've changed, to late, fuck you all, I'm tired . 3
Taking control of the elements, taking my time, making it mine, someday I wanna be free, love to haunt you, no arms to hold you, friends to leave you, past to break you, life to kill you, And God to save you! Life is a bitch, shit happens, leave it alone, as the black fades to white, a year in review, more time to lose, precious gift, you hold me tight, as I feel the love, the love my father or no one ever gave me, how did it effect you my love? Can't hold on nomore, leave it alone, fever won't you kill me? That's me in the corner that's me in the spotlight losing my religion, bloodshot red , you make me feel like I'm free again, hold me wrap me up and breathe me ❤️ <3
Remember I love you, stay strong, be yourself, and pray , I'm tired but I can help you, learn to face your pain, but I'm gonna help you so you won't be tired, and end up like me.. I love you <3 -Sara Berger xoxo
(Play Her Today, 4/28/2015 or 5/11/2015, stay strong. Today In Mr Kleveno's classroom)
DO NOT HIDE! (Ending / epilogue, remember the animal. 4/28/2015, 11:14 Am, sitting in Mr Kleveno's classroom <3 ---long nights sleeping all alone, El Diablo won't you sell me back my soul, wow what do you except, when things seem to be crashing down, but you have to be positive, it's better to have love and lost then to never have loved at all, listen, even if you had a bad past you can make a brighter future, you can stay strong, make success in your life, it may be hard right now but it gets better, remember we all have a story and sometimes we have to stay outta control c; xoxo
<3 Stay Strong, I'm Sara and this is my story
THE END!
-Stay Outta Control FINAL part : Wanna Be Darkness- 3
(5/13/2015, 12:49 pm, stay strong && out of it... Sara <3)
--When I wake up Imma afraid c: ^.^ :* ✋--
Physcotic/Arrested/83 mental hospitals/anger/anxiety/suicide/homicide/depression/drugs/selfharm/self medication/running/fighting/skitzophrenia. Where's Sara? She's not in the hospital is she? Awwww :( canyon ridge? That's where I live, I live in Chino, I wanted to work there. Got some "family issues" OC
"You play me like a drum, you got me overdone" "I'm gonna go go go away" mr ismeal lol. "When I'm Gone" by 3 Doors Down.
All hail *bends on knees* Sara? You can't be? Lol
Hector laughed and made conversation with me, keeps staring at me all nice, thank you, your welcome, grinds on walls/hyper/cussing, dirty dancing "girl stop it" , sang loud for staff and Hector loved it, "Sara, keep it down, oh sorry", I like the DICKtoniary, DEEZNUTS GOT EMM! On the phrase "I don't care" "I don't love" on the phone "I don't care" I love Izzy, I miss you!!!!!! ❤️ your amazing <3 I still care for you, I understand now...
Hector likes same music as me, ripped off songs, met Brianna's family in my room is drug addict is chill, met corra's brother he gave me a fist bump, he thought I was funny and became my friend, danced dirty, laughed at my acting out, innapropeiate shit. Danced on Hector, you like like? *stands right there*, oh Hector Perez, cholo hand shake, talk about music with Hector, talks to me the most && flirts stands real close to me, Hector stood next to me (more then once, most of the time) , Hector looked at me when I was dancing, Hector smiled at me when I was singing he was sitting real close and moved away cuz he loved it and Shayleigh told me he was smiling while I was singing, Hector got close/closer by me, smiled at me, gave me fist bump, called me by 1stname "good job Sara" so sweet to me, he follows me when I get up to go to my room he followed me to my room to be next to me then when I left he left.
Where's Sara?
Is Sara right there? *he was in lounge and he was sitting in chair by the window wondering if I'm alright, where I was or to be next to me*
This is how the cholos do it lol ✋
"Sup Hector, your amazing and I'm here for you, sorry for creeping you out, my crazy ass 3 years ago, remember by the med cabinet "give me my meds" in a funny ass voice, your awesome, amazing staff, I'm the craziest/hypertest girl here, thank you for helping me through my struggles, I will help you take your pain away make u happy cuz I gotchu. From Sara"
Hector had bad life bad past , he cares, mental illness, parents divorce, depressed.
*sings really loud in nurses station and Hector likes it*
"Sara?, oh, sorry"
"Sara? You can't be in there I don't want you to get in trouble" , he makes excuses so he can see/follow/flirt/talk/be next to me... (THE END TO HOSPITAL NOTES...)
Now to the real story 3
Dead I can't be alive by Sara (4/29/2015, be down stuck bitch...)
When the pills is all that's on your mind, waiting for that moment when you fall to the ground and die, falling in reverse, start it all again, as I walk into this world like I have no issue, but I don't have a reason so why pretend to have a reason, inside my heart is black, and I'm trapped in darkness, myself is very lonely, I'm sick inside and I try to mend my pain, but it doesn't go away, this world has gone mad and I'm stuck in the middle , I've never had love, my pain is bottling up inside, I live in a haze and have gone totally insane, im pretty fucked up , I've had no life, I've been tortured never had love or someone to love me as a person, my whole life has been a nightmare I've never been happy cuz my past effects me, but I'm learning not to dwell , yes I went totally crazy cuz I was tired but I'm growing from it, I'm stuck in this hospital, with my mom on my mind, holding in this pain, I'm crazy I can't deny I'm crazy, yes I have to try, maybe I can get better, take my medication no going physco cuz I'm the craziest bitch you'll meet, but that doesn't define me, I've done hard shit, even tried to kill cuz I got possessed and went crazy, now I'm in Canyon Ridge mental hospital, sitting on my bed, thinking about my past and shit, now I wonder, was it all right? How much my behaviors effected me, how bad my life has been? Listen stay strong cuz you don't have long, I remember my last memory watching my dad lay dead, then it all changed and my life turned to hell, and that's when I lost it , myself, I went crazy, be down stuck bitch, I got years to live so make the fucking best out of it, ditto hoe c: <3 z❤️✋
Dawn Down Please Save Me :3 (4/29/2015)
You see the sunshine darling , why do you cry, you have so much to live for, popping those fucking pills day and night, you feel like your dieing, Aderal, Xanex, and Vivance, shit I'm done being addicted, Prozac is the shit, I've taken pills all my life, to undo my pain, my body is so used to it it doesn't effect me cuz I have a strong body, I became an addict cuz my body can't live without it. "Tonight's The Niqht" tonight's the night where I can change my life and tonight's the night where I can conquer my addiction, get drunk to numb my pain, no rainbow without the rain, I have to stay I have to change...
I Understand Now (you can't seem alone, 4/30/2015 <3) aye philosophy is addicting, sorry random. Walk into my room with a smile on my face , going down hard with pain in my heart, something to release, nothing inside, but no need to try, leave it alone, blackout I know, make it go away, please make it go away, baby doll there's nothing to be afraid of, when nothing seems to be going right you just wanna give up, depression you can't escape, your going weak, your body and soul, something to know, leave it alone, make it seem old, no one to hold, yes I'm crazy yes insane, but nothing seems to be helping , hey don't give up, today's your day, you have people by your side, people stay, your not alone, your never alone, falling asleep on the couch waiting for this moment, a moment of death, to take my pain away, so leave it alone, make it all stop, help save my soul, these scars never heal, my past never fades away, it turned me crazy, mentally out of it but I'm learning not to dwell on it, it makes me stronger, my life was all bad and my past haunts me to this day, I've had a bad past , a bad life but I keep my head up and stay strong and say "my past is something I regret but I learn from it, it makes me stronger, now I understand." I close my eyes once again, nowhere to be seen, and my heartaches, my body has gone numb, I see the shade in my pain, so don't be afraid, nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing to win so don't play your little game, and I got my own way, nothing to hide and nothing to show, nothing to give, hideaway in my secret place, oh I close my eyes and think about the day I lost myself, so don't be afraid because I'll be okay, maybe not today, I promise I'll stay, with you everyday, wash away this pain, go away, faraway, let me stay away. I see myself walking alone in a cold empty room, I walk around telling you I'm okay, but I'm not okay, please go away, I can't face this pain, the next day I'm all alone, nowhere to be seen, behind the shade with all my pain, shades of grey, so let me stay, I won't go away, so let me say I'll be okay, but I won't stay, I'll be faraway from here with my pain cuz it never goes away, so let me just say that I'm not okay, but what can I do to help you? I won't be here, I'm sorry, I've gone crazy and lost myself, I'm not myself, I'm not okay, if you need me I'll be faraway; I close my eyes and I think of you, when my depression increases, into peices, it breaks me, and it brings me down, to the ground, not to be found, I just blacked out, and just right then I disappeared, so don't go looking for me, I'll be away so don't you say, I've gone insane, I've gone insane with all this pain, now I'm done, I need to see the light and get out of the dark and watch me die, goodbye. I woke up and I'm free, so watch me go into the snow, no need to cry cuz I'm changing lives, don't be afraid cuz I'll be okay, today my life is pure my life is good, don't be afraid I'm here to help you, just don't leave my side, I'll be okay, don't let you say I'm blind can't you see, please you can see right through me, I feel so numb, my heartbeat slow, I can't do this anymore, hallelujah I'm dead, I have no worth I'm full of pain, I need to die as I watch the blood drip down from my wrists, stop living, a slow painful death, my mind is crazy is full of MIXED, is full of SIXX is full of dangerous things, I'm in dark it's full of black, I'm dead inside and it's hard to function, I'm in darkness screaming help me, I'm dieing, not in reality, I'm in a haze, I'm on an acid trip but I'm not on acid, I'm on nothing, I'm nowhere I'm sick inside kill me, I'm losing control oops I lost control, my mind is twisted my minds a nightmare, is full of dark, I can't escape, KILL ME! I got no reason to live, don't you know your why your sufferin' you why your suffering, how could this be, let me tell you something baby girl, what chu crying for? This bitch got nothing on you, I'm here to make you see, I'm gonna go out of my mind, hey aye aye getting drunk to wash the pain away, blackout, yes I'm okay, where are my reasons to live, no no no let me take you faraway, yes let me say oh I cannot stay. Don't be crying I'm okay, no need to worry just watch the sky , purple and blue, midnight sky, no more worries , they multiply, no need to fight , I need to try, so don't be shy. I'm suffering inside, why do you cry? I'm in pain, don't you see? Don't you worry I'm just me, when you scream, I cannot breathe, when I have all this shit suffocating me, but I will remain strong . 3 :( "guess what Sierra, DEEZNUTS" "I have Ebola, lmfao " "are you okay Hector? U.S. Thanks" "more people yay *claps hands*", I I I love you like a love song baby... I'm fucked up I hate myself, but the sun reminds me I got another day to live, I walk into an empty room, let me see what I have done, don't make me go burn again, something I least expect , my stupid decisions, nothing oh no good reasons, I'm crazy oh so crazy, I'm sorry yeah so sorry, I've fucked up yes I have, Ill catch you when you fall, I'll catch you when you fall, no need to cry at all, angels sent from Heaven, there's something I've been thinking did I have any good reasons? My pain never goes away, never fades away to far, I'm Ms Physcotic, Ms Insanity, craziest bitch on the block, you know it, shit I've done crazy physcotic shit. I used to sell drugs, and live on the streets, used to fight blood and torture, knocked out bitches on the floor, but those are the least of the shit I've done, I've done every illegal thing except molesting and animal abuse, I attempted to murder over ALOT people not all at once tho, 10 people at once, my anger and rage took over me, then I started using again, getting drunk then I'd blackout, then I'm sober, then I drink, then get drunk, so I'm drunk again, the Second it wears off I drink again. That shit just keeps coming. Ditto 3
Nothing to conpare to nothing to rely on, but someone's gotta remember, yes I don't remember that well, something on yo mind , Ya it's bugging you, oh no, what am I telling you , please don't make me go through this on my own, I want to show I can live my life, do it again, oh don't you know? I'm on my own, yeah freeway jumping side to side, police coming, run and hide, yes I'm fine oh don't rely, I've gone crazy I can't deny, don't make me try try try, I'm in fire, your in snow, something's going, don't you know? It's something else oh can't you see? Stand there memorize me, don't look to close cuz you'll hypnotize me, aye you got it good bitch, put the bottle down boo, don't be losin' yoself boo, don't go crazy again. Yes I'll catch you when you fall, I promise I won't stop, don't apologize at all, it's fine your wasting time, you got yours and I got mine, I'm someone else, lost myself on the high shelf, pick myself back up then fell down and broke, like a house of cards, I tried to hard, yeah I tried so hard, knee deep, got back up, did it again, I went insane, and to this day, I can say, dis bitch don't playyy c: nah I don't play dem ex games <3 ❤️✋
Don't don't don't flow over here, ocean white, sky red, midnight blue, don't you know, you can trust me boo? Sweet dreams not a question, I know your sick and went insane, your life sucks, not ashamed, hold this pain to the next day, I told you boo that this bitch don't play... Stay strong :) bring me home, faraway; let me know when you stay , don't fall down I'll be there for you, I was in rehab addicted to drugs and alcohol, I was 12 . I snuck drugs into places , sometimes hospitals, like dealing, I was a hardcore addict and a hardcore drinker, I was I dealer and i still am a dealer. I walked out of Costco drunk as fuck, as I stripped naked and I blacked out, I'm a fucking stoner, I'm crazy as fuck, physcotically insane, done every single crazy thing there is, when I stole 5 bottles of bud light from Costco, shit I was drunk, then I blacked out, on an acid trip I was trippin balls, I was in a maze I couldn't get out, don't do drugs kids lmfao , there's no happy hour in jail ✋
I'm gonna go go go away , far far faraway, try to escape, no no no no way, let me see what you say, try again another day, don't make me scared don't make me run, I'll try again, the stolen sun, let's be clear I'm not mentally there, Elizabeth come home. I'm worried sick, far far away don't go go away, try again another day , I ran away and I've gone insane, got arrested that's okay, let's try again another day. I scream don't make me stay, or I'll go go go insane, getting drunk oh that's okay, going crazy like forreal, do it more to numb the pain, trying to make it through the day, hey just hear me pray, go away, make me stay, let me say that I'm okay, I'm all alone, nowhere to show, don't you know? I'm dieing now and losing myself, dead inside, gone insane, lost myself that's okay, faraway, just numb my heart, body and soul, don't you cry tonight, yeah, I'll catch you when you fall. 3 my heart is fine just a little broken now, I'll be on my way to the gates of hell, bye bye sweetheart, I know you'll miss me so dont try to find me, kiss me goodbye... Don't come crying when your not trying, hide and seek let's find my heart. Bitch I'm on fleek, get it back now, get down, lay it back now, no how, I'm in blue, like the sky and like birds that never fly, like dreams you cannot wake up , fly me across the ocean, no bad decision, try to keep me going, bitch I don't a reason, hey let's go faraway, now get it back now, get down, try to fly now , no how, yes I'll catch you, yes I'll catch you when you fall, when flyin' /// xoxo ----
April fools day, oh my God IM PREGNANT! Uh no
You know what Adam sander says, BA BA BA BULLSHIT, don't hug me I'm scared, man screaming at yellow paint, that's me I'm high *laughs in like a loogie* you wanna see my pregnant face? ✋
------
Reverse To Blackness <3 (5/2/2015, in hospital room at 1:10 pm) <3
[highnotes, yes I'm high, I'm high? I feel high] :) xxxxxx
The walls are closing in, the worlds coming to an end... To be continued after shower 7:37 pm. 5/13/2015z...
-Reverse To Blackness-
(I wrote this while I was outta reality, drunk && high, drunk-high my word , this is real shit bruh)
Kelvin the giraff, he had purple hair, one day he fell off a cliff and broke his front left leg, he thought he was gonna die , but he didn't die, when the bleeding stopped in his leg , the flowers started growing out of his leg, they started consuming his leg, and The End. Maggie the ring tailed lemur had 6 feet, one day he went into the forest, he met a crow, the crows name was as Sargent Rutherford, they fell in love and then they had a wedding, then the sun went down and 3 koalas were nesting a baby, they had 2 monkeys, Sal and Ruffee, they had sex while on shrooms, then the sun rained down a gallon of meatballs, Bobby Joe was on the roof and jumped, hehehehe idk wtf I'm doing lol, the fucking end... :) what if there was a world where you had to always smile? What if there was a world where you could never smile? Hide all your emotions in until you break emotionally, mentally, and physically called TeaSmile, it would drive you fucking insane bro... Ditto
Finish your life on the hard side, felt on the outside, left on the outside, felt sick on the outside, but sick like sticks and stones on the inside, trees hope to be saved, into the grave. The walls are closing in, nowhere to be seen, dark stars in the skies, no bees in the trees, no clouds in the sky, no birds in the air, that I cannot see, fly away in harmony, I think about you and me, for eternity, fall to the ground again, no other reason yeah, no need to fight, falling down down down , "acid rain" in the hardship, I need to kill myself, tonight with the pills in the med cabinet, the sports in the cafeteria, and all the colored wires to possess me, and the weed under my bed... Blaqout xx <3
-------- xx
-Peices of a Broken Past- (5/2/2015 @ 11:55 am... In day lounge, staying strong❤️✋)
Let me see oh nothing's gone, try again, what is wrong, all alone, try to cry I want to die, go insane, hold my pain all the way inside, I'm sorry I'm ready to give up and die, I have no love I have no reason, fuck this shit, slam myself on the wall over and over and over and over, well tonight in my room, I'm all alone in the dark, very silent, quietly take the blade across my wrist, I wanna die, I cannot go living anymore, bye bye bye. The flowers don't bloom nomore, neither does the sun shine, turn your frown upside down , to force a smile don't you know? The stars don't shine in hell, pitch black bitch I've gone insane, a letter to Elizabeth Ramos, Johnny posess me, and I'll be done, bitch dis girl don't play <3
This is the story, the colors disappear, 627, 672, 653, 659, 6626, 6616, bues noches, don't make me run, take a shot, Jell-O shots, do not stop, cannot walk, Imma stalk, drunk and dumb, 7effron the dragon ate a lot of fucking oranges, he planted an orange garden in his field that all the other animals lived in, and they got all fucking pissed, reading the DICKtoniary while eating a BLUEWAFFLE. You get it, do you? Oh did ya? *izzys British voice*
Do you want a blue waffle Sierra? The hunger games hm hm hm, level 2 I want it down to a level 2, girls time to go to bed, Gelyn "shut it down shut it down" , I'm staying up all night with Shayleigh, Ashlie, Sammy, don't be afraid, scared to say, gone insane, I'm bleeding , I'm crying, I'm gonna suck my dick, don't make me be wired, get higher, I'm tired, no skyward. Sweet_Insanity,cakees, hankees, but I still take sausage, you sexy you fine I really wanna make you mine. You welcome me into your world, you cannot see the twists and twirls, make me hurl, the colourblu represents you, with that bottle of vodka in my hands scream that pain kill that game win that fame, lose myself, numb my pain, go away. You wake up in the morning freezing cold, body shivering side to side, make me cry, special emotions, strange emotions , outta reality, strange shit on the floor, I feel like Imma fucking joke, to everyone, my pain is killing me inside, I'm dieing and I need to bleed, numb all my pain with dangerous shit, about to go crazy, I'm unsafe, bitch I can't do this anymore fuck my life. "Only hope" by mandi Moore , "under the milkyway" by the church, MsxSweet_Insanityyx624... Listen my little darling I need you right now, hold me in your loving arms tonight, save me from myself, I am not someone else, I am now somebody else, cryin' to yo mama, she ain't gonna save ya. Now hold my hand in peace, as the peices come together and the shattered glass in on the floor, your heart is broken, the house is burning, the skin is breaking, I'm going crazy, the rain is falling, I had a hard life a bad past, all my life has been trauma, after I broke mentally ,emotionally, and physciacally , I went physcotically crazy, went insane, turned into someone dark, my past has made me the crazy person I am today, I'm surprised I'm still standing after all I've been through, I'm strong <3333333-Sara Nicole Berger
------- xxxx oo xxxx
Sweet_InsanityxTooDope., it's going down forreal , MsxSweet_insanityx6, xoxoblaqout_jade. , SweetInsanityyx, crystal_glassc;4...
------ Try To Be A Ending, The End <3 c; c: (5/3/2015... In process group @ 2:05 pm)--------
Hi, I'm Sara, I'm in recovery, this story was fuckin' long af' fr fr <3 I know it was 42 pages, but it all comes together to tell a story, my story, we all have one, we all have a story to tell. Thing is my story "Stay Outta Control" took awhile, it had twists and turns , it made me think of other roads in my recovery, I mean shit bitch, after I'll I've been through, I'm still standing, you can too, right? (Me: Who wants a beer, free beer on me, small disaster area, uncontrollable, more safe.) If you can't then you can talk to me, cuz I've been through and have done hard crazy physcotic insane unsafe dangerous bad shit. We can relate, I want to help!
Contact me @ crowdgoeswild86@hotmail.com is my email ,
Richalvarezfan@hotmail.com && aquateenhungerforcefanatic@yahoo.com, or call me at 951-531-8542 that's my home number, stay strong bro, stay real homie c: ❤️"it all comes together, even if it's not positive, it can teach you many things in life, it gets worse before it gets better, her pain controls and breaks her, your past your struggle your pain your mistakes your past dangerous behaviors are a learning experience, they make you stronger . I wish someone can see how broken we really are inside. ❤️
You got me turning time, you got me on your mind, you play me like a drum, you got me overdone , some people minimize my world and others maximize my world, bitch don't play. I'll be okay just got a lot on my mind. Ok? Yeah I guess... I'm "fine" , I'm gonna be okay, yes no maybe so, so I don't know, I'm full of pain, take time and realize , that's dis bitch don't play dem' ex games". <333
On snappy chat aww I miss Izzy, ITS ISMAEL! U DONT SAY IT RIGHT! Damn girl chillllll. Xoxo "control yourself, inside an out, get in my car to treatment it's to far, it makes me overthink my whole life anyway, what have I done? I'm overdone, stay outta control, you are wanna be darkness, this bitch don't play, lose control, to regain your life, makes me realize, WHO TF' (the fuck) I AM, WHO TF' (the fuck) AM I? "
____sometimes you gotta realize, if you wanna play dis game, STAY OUTTA CONTROL____
---------
THE END. Hope you enjoyed my story stay outta control, remember me strong, kisses for my bitches goodnight -Sara/Spizey/Alisa/MsInsanityyx
Theeeee endddd
-----------------
[Let Me Go xoxo]
Mom, I wanna take sex Ed? What hahahaha
Unethical *talk like a nerd*
Nah I'm not hungry
We have to leave in 15 minutes
"I have to worry about you, not anybody else" aww Izzy
I can listen to my iPod for hours! Music calms me, stay strong. <3 c: bed side table, cats in a cradle, mystery life, let's live it up bitches
Listening to the Scissor Sisters, true story bruh ✋❤️
Boobies
How about no
Let me think bout that for a second, mmmmm, no
Just kidding *say it after everything*
Hahahahahahaha your so funny
Ha hahahaha NO
Really?
Ah ah AHEM
Just kidding
Watchu talking bout Daryl, I'm not prison anymore, i am a boy.
-Belong To A Real One-
By me
"I belong in a house
With a mom and a dad
My dad is dead
But my mom is alive
Every morning I wake up, to my mom by my side
Thank God for every beautiful day
Imma real one, that's for sure
Yes I've gone crazy and mental && lost myself
My past was fucked up
But the past is the past
Now we're in the present
I'm thankful for not completely losing myself
For not being in treatment
Being safe
No bad behaviors
No mental hospital
Not going crazy
Having my mom
Surviving my hard life
Battling my depression
Staying true to myself
Living through my struggles
Living every single day faking a smile to hideaway the pain
My mom the only women I trust
Getting better in my mental state, my treatment
Having family by me
Having God by my side
Imma real one; been hurt all my life, pain killing me, dieing inside, going insane, acting out and now I'm staying strong
Pray to God cuz Imma real one, hurt and pain, empty gooey room,
Finding the light in the dark
Fighting my battles
Cuz Imma real one && I'll stay by your side, you are strong, you are beautiful, don't let the dark take over you
I have changed, for the worst and for the better,
I need a real one, make sure to pray, life may seem bad
But I'll be by your side
Stay strong, cuz in the end the pain will fade, it's been 5 years since my life changed for the worst, most of all I went crazy, been in treatment my whole life, I can get better, I'm 17, almost 18, even if I've gone through a lot, changed into a bad person, and gone crazy, I can recover, Imma real one, and I'll be yours to
Stay strong, I'll be here... "❤️
I can battle my depression, it may take time, but it will happen eventually , yes I've gone crazy before && lost myself, my past was bad, but I can get through this, depression is a battle, you may suffer now, but it gets worse before it gets better, depression is a battle, don't let it win, you can fight it <333
Open up, make room for me, no comedy , no tragedy, open up, make room for me c: xoxo ✋❤️
Yes sir
Agitation
You need your edumacation bruh?
Edumacation
What about me, ahhh
Ms grabby
All hail *bows down on knees*
Large hot chocolate
Extra mocha
Kids temperature 70 degrees, Starbucks by 91 freeway by corona
Mehhh give me my meds
Medumacation
IMAGINATION
Aye c: this is what's up(: chilling && just my life, hi. Xx I'm Sara <3 lets chill, just everything , I have 3 main blogs, this one has everything on it. Love you beautiful stay strong :) this is my life basically, stay chill cuz that's what's up homie xx anyway hi, I'm Sara , 16, I love music && I'm crazy c; anyway this is just my life in one blog, besides my other blog with my life story, anyway chill and smoke some, my pain is hard, that's why I numb it I had one of the worst pasts and that's why I've gone insane, stay strong I'm here for you. This is a blog about anything and everything, my life, that's what's up huh, love you -Spizey/Alisa/Sara :) AND this is also All 19 of the parts of my life story :) I wrote this about my life beginning to end. Enjoy and if you wanna read it all you can, it doesn't matter cxRead all 19 parts on my Tumblr <333 I put it all together. stay strong c; :) I wrote this, my life... I wrote this story for everyone who is going through a struggle, this took me awhile to write , I've been through a lot and yes I'm crazy, thats why I name myself MsSweetInsanityyx & theres 19 parts and this is from beginning to end. WARNING! Do NOT read if you get triggered, this is deep down inside my mind, very graphic && scary. Anyway stay strong, if you need me my Facebook is Gabriella SweetInsanityyx Ramos & keep fighting your battles, this is my story && I'm sharing it with YOU! && I love you-Sara/Alisa. (MsSweetInsanityyx) goodnight xoxo , -you gotta remember, everyone has struggles but pray to God so you can get through it, this is all REAL, my story kisses circles && squares
Insanityy Becomes Realityycx . Sara's Life C
RaqeMsSweetInsanityyx
You gotta stay strong for those who love, for those who care && for yourself, stay true homie ❤️
I'm going through the same thing, I love u boo call if u need
Devin ❤️ your funny af', remember all the good memories with you at Canyon Ridge mental hospital, especially your dance lmfao love u girl r u behaving? What's up homie?
Donnie:Why do you wear that stupid bunny suit?
Frank: Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?
Lol Damien, Mr Madina is amazing we care about each other I saw him in ms bleekers tell him I said hi, see u on the bus
I honestly am done with Izzy, it got to me to much it broke me now he's someone else's 1:1 damn okay what happened to your promise homie ? Damn. I'm done with chu now ur feeling all guilty and so upset and care about me so much and miss me you get upset you can't even talk to me, I understand but you made the choice and didn't tell me, thanks for that ... ✋ bye, I loved you like in deep love , I love you like my mom loved my dad I was in deep love, we were so close , we were like brothers I knew you cared about me I knew you liked me a lot and always told me EVERYTHING all about your past; you felt as close to me as much as I felt close to you, I knew you got upset you liked me a lot, you were worried about me and still care but scared to talk to me, now you avoid me, I still love you, I always will, I know how much you cared, now your sad depressed and missing me and so guilty you can't even look me in the eye, If you wanna change clients then good for you, I'll never get over you, you broke me and I know your upset cuz you care, but you broke your promise, gtfo
I'm feeling hurt to I've been hurt my whole life I get where ur coming from all I have is family I had one of the worst past, but I help out people like me, I wanna help u yes it's a fucked up world out there, if u need me call me I love u
Shut the fuck up, it's a big deal to me wowwww
Saw izzy so happy to see ms
Where was I am I better
So sad that I was gone hope I was okay
Still my buddy
Gave me fist bump happy I was there
What the actual fuck izzy
Sad I was gone
Asking where I was concered about mr is she okay
Cares about ms and still my friend and read my letter
Everybody missed me mostly Sergio
Izzy read my letter said it was thoughtful
Izzy miss ms think about me
Damien guess what ? Five nights at freddies
No party rock, hey!
Izzy's a 1:1 for someone else, he's being rude (not really) and ignoring me when I asked if I miss him or if he missed me, he ignored me and walked away he's avoiding me very upset that I left but he can't even talk to me he's really upset so he's avoiding me, he cares ALOT he's scared to talk to ms he's thinks I'm mad, he's so upset about not being my 1:1 he's changing and miss me so much upset about it he can't be around me, he was like a father I never had and were so close like a husband I was in love follow him on FaceBook the loss hurt me so much he likes Mikey more Boone told me he was a 1:1 for somebody else, but he can't even talk to me without getting upset
I don't even like him I'm mad he hurt my feelings he knows it he's upset that he was mean made him upset when I asked if he missed me I dont really care for him nomore
Justin said he hopes I'm here for the rest of the year I make his day cares about me likes to see me makes him happy
Izzy so guilty about not being 1:1 miss me slot can't stand being anywhere near me anything yo with me cuz he's sad and scared upset
Izzy uncomfortable/awkward and quiet around me
People told him not to talk to me threatened him, lose your job or stay away from her
Use the excuse I have to work so he avoids me and doesn't talk to me without getting upset and sad and emotional and not loosing his job. Izzy upset guilty for leaving me like everybody else thinks he's just like the rest broke his promise feels guilty think about me and my emotions, feels bad and shit, knows I might not be okay. That's one reason why he's guilty another is leaving me for someone else and lieing to me, but mainly can't stand be near me cuz he's to guilty and misses me, without getting emotional thinks I hate him lost his trust. I'm fucking done...
After I cared for him said all those good things about him and told him he was like a father figure I never had then he left after he knew how unstable I was and how bad I took it, he's so guilty he feels he left me like my dad like his dad did, he feels like shit after I told him he was gonna leave me well I felt like and he promised he'd always be here and care about me, he broke his promise to me feel like a bad person cuz he remembers "you'll never leave me, I'm still here arent I?" he left. He new how much I loved him and he left. Damn
Mr Madina cares about me just as much as Izzy, he likes me as a buddy wnt through pain bad past sad that I got hurt
Izy already new I had bad past went through ALOT and made it worst I live for him
Izzy knew he was the reason for my pain/breakdown/hospitalization/suicide attempt
50 shades of grey *say it randomly*
50 shades of gay
Hello everybody
Dance like a mochacha
If u dance like that in Mexico they would beat yo ass
Izzy got in trouble and go back to his bad past cuz of me
Told mr Madina I care for him
Brain doesn't process reality
Chicken soup for the teenage soul . Learning life stories
Fake a smile everyday to hideaway the pain
Saw a blue whale in class in a hallucinating in nurses office real bad hallucinations and suicidal thoughts had bad past mom pick me up take me to hospital
QDamien Johnny and Mr Madina saw me in nurse office stare at me concered hope I'm okay
So great he discovered the great sea
Mad women
Do you know how weird you sound
Yeah there waiting for the moon to fall out of the sky
Time to smoke a joint, no no drugs for you
Sara "Spizey" hi, that's what's up? Drew me skinny star shirt red hair in bun lip stick, short, eyelashes
Preston "lil' bro" hi, NO , drew him with joker smile really short, black skin, yellow green feet, plain blue t-shirt, eyelashes
Mommy "mamabear" hi babybear, drew her with yellow hair in part, a little big in size pink lips red and black striped shirt, eyelashes
Chug chug chug chug chug *drinks beer*
this is how I drink beer
I wrap vodka up in a papertowel and steal it from stores
It smells like shit
Shots shots shots shots
I Like to party and party and party and party
Do you wanna sip of my beer? NO! Lmao
I look like an old grandma
Looks like you've done none
Go to the front
Born whore
Sara, are you drunk, yeah she's drunk lol
*condescending voice* hi Preston! I love you
Draw me like amine
Coocho mucho gusto
Get down on your knees and tell me you love me , I LOVE YoU!!! *bends down on knees all hailing style* I loveeeeee youuuu
123 don't be shy dont be shy
I gave you whip cream I deserve kisses
Do do do do do do do do do yeeee
They don't know shit, asshole bitches fuck the system
I dont care If you leck your dick rascal I've sucked on many and I love you your a good puppoi I'm used to it bruh you can give me puppoi kisses
He closed the door cuz he's masturbating
5 more minutes
*yells upstairs* this is how youdo it, watch and learn. "Preston can you get Mommys charger, thank u your the best brother ever *claps hands sarcastically/sarcasticHands*
hi, Marcia , it's mommy , what?
Can I have a sip of your wine bruh
Did u get drunk
Hey stupid stop sucking on yo dick, you smell like shit
Preston come downstairs to eat do ur homework get in the shower time for bed Laura had to go to Scouts, don't know if shell be home, turn your computer off you have to get your butt in bed by 9:30
How much you wanna bet he's not in bed/bitch at us/not doing his homework/not in the shower *say how much you wanna bet with anything*
Jack shit nothing
Chicken Tenders/pink cookies *rascal turns his head*
Imma drink beer at the club
Sara are you drunk? No bueno
Rascal-Rascoi
Roxy-Roxy Poi
Mickey-Mickey Da Mouze
Yeeeeeeeeee
"Out Of It" song by Sara :) &&/+ "Sara && Lisa's Conversation" xx
"You cast a spell on me, now I'm not myself, put me on that shelf, all that counts is that I'm gone now, I was screaming but I can't turn back now, take all your troubles and put them to bed, I don't understand, is it all that bad? Why you keep fighting? Why we keep fighting? It's fucking stupid bruh, get over yourselves, you got me mentally out of it, I've changed for the worst, why you got me acting this way? Why you got me acting all weird? Like I said just take all your troubles and put them to bed, you got me playing out of it, give me a reason, open season, like and teason, no good reason, don't be falling, doing be crying, tie your lieing, no good reason, open season, you got me mentally out of it, I want to go crazy, like I said take all your troubles and put them to bed, stay here with us, nothing to be said, no words spoken, out of it, I sure am, acting out and going crazy to numb all that pain, but it doesn't work does it, it doesn't last forever, it's all bad you shouldn't do that, but I do, got no reason it's open season, where's daddy? No, he's not here right now, I'm sorry , just take all your troubles and put them to bed, yes i sure am out of it"
(Sara && Lisa Chat, Lisa Kaser is my NEW 1:1 at Centennial High School)
Sara: hi ms Lisa, what's up?
Lisa: hi Sara! Not much, what's up with you?
Sara: nothing, just playing "Where's Izzy" make an excuse to walk around campus to see Izzy lol
Lisa: I can't make up an excuse silly ✋
Sara: like lets go to the bathroom Ms Lisa , I have to "go" really bad, like when I wanted to look at my hair, where's Ms Sam *izzy laughs cuz her name is Ms M not Ms Sam and I keep calling her that* with my double stuffed chocolate Oreos, she said wait an hour then she would give it to me in
Foods class with Ms Bleeker after testing?
Lisa: I'm not sure, we will go by after class and Izzy is in a class somewhere so we probably wouldn't see him.
Sara: NOOO *tear tear* I'm sure he'll be out there "just for me" to see me, his favorite lmao
Lisa: Haha! Perhaps we will see him during passing period or lunch. He is also busy working honey!
Sara: guess what I was doing yesterday?
Lisa: what?
Sara: DEEZNUTS lmfao ✋
Lisa: you're silly I'm very glad your back in school Sara! It's good to see your smiling face :)
Sara: yeah I know lol, awe your so sweet, is Ms Diana here? period 5 is over, bye ms queen Lisa lol.
Lisa: have a nice day, sunshine ☀️☀️
-yeah that's our conversation at school yesterday lol 5/11/2015-
Copper Hills Residential Treatment Center - Treatment Plan Record
Name: Sara Berger Provider: Linda Carlson, LCSW Date of Initial Tx Plan: 6/4/12
Personal Data
ID: Birth Date: 5/20/1998 Treatment Status: Active
Address: 925 Cimmaron Lane Age: 14 Previously Treated: No
Gender: female Pri. Care Physician: Jerome Vance
City: Corona Race: Caucasian
State: CA Marital Status: Single Referral Source:
Zip: 92879 Psychiatrist: Jerome Vance
Home Phone: 951-531-8542 Treatment Start Date: 5/30/2012 Setting: Residential
Cell Phone: 949-533-7300 Treatment End Date: 6/17/2013 Department: Emeralds
Last Treatment Review Date: 4/1/2013
Statement of Disability: Sara presents with symptoms of bipolar disorder and psychosis, including rapid mood changes, severe anger outbursts, violence toward mother, brother, peers, suicidal ideation, self injurious behaviors, and substance use. Sara has reports auditory and visual hallucinations that encourage her to kills herself and others. These symptoms presented following the death of her father in February 2011.
Assessment
Strengths: socializing, enthusiastic, observant, optimistic, independent, creative, straightforward
Weaknesses: hard, impatient, selfish, lazy, short-sighted, stubborn, moody, rude, aggressive
Assessments Completed:
Psychosocial, 6/1/12, Amanda Freeman, LPC
Psychiatric Evaluation, Jerome Vance, MD
SASSI-A2 - target date 6/8/12, Amanda Freeman, LPC
Mental Status:
Presentation Date First Rated: Date Last Rated:
Date Last Rated: 5/1/13
Appearance: Appropriate
Appropriate
Mood: "okay"
Homesick
Attitude: Entitled
Positive
Affect: Impatient
Bright
Speech: Irritable
Pressured
Motor Activity: Somewhat restless
Restless
Orientation: Fully Oriented
Fully oriented
Mental Functioning Date First Rated: Date Last Rated: 11
Date Last Rated: 5/1/13
Simple Calculations: Mostly Accurate
Accurate
Serial Sevens: Mostly Inaccurate
Accurate
Immediate Memory: Intact
Intact
Remote Memory: Minimally Impaired
Intact
General Knowledge: Poor
Poor
Proverb Interpretation: Accurate
Accurate
Similarities/Differences: Accurate
Accurate
Higher Order Abilities Date First Rated: Date Last Rated:
Date Last Rated: 5/1/13
Judgment: Poor
Fair
Insight: Fair
Fair
Intelligence: Average
Average
Thought Form/Content Date First Rated: Date Last Rated:
Date Last Rated: 5/1/13
Thought Processes: Goal Oriented
Goal Oriented
Delusions: None
Decreasing;
Hallucinations: None
Decreasing; none reported the review period.
Risk Assessment Date First Rated: Date Last Rated:
Date Last Rated: 5/1/13
Self Harm: Mild
None
Suicide: Mild
None
Violence: Mild
None
Child Abuse: None
None, history of sexual acting out with younger brother
Partner Abuse: None
None
Elder/Parent /Caretaker Abuse: None
History of hitting mom
Most Recent Mental Status Summary:
Diagnosis
Axis I 296.60 Bipolar I Disorder, most recent episode mixed, with psychotic features
314.00 Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, by history
313.81 Oppositional Defiant Disorder
305.20 Cannabis Abuse
305.70 Ecstasy Abuse
Axis II Borderline Personality Disorder Traits
Axis III None
Axis IV Psychosocial and Environmental Problems: recent stress from father passing away, relationship problems with mother and brother, recent multiple inpatient psychiatric treatments
Axis V Current: 45 Past Year: 44
Treatment Techniques
Treatment Modalities:
Type Frequency Provider
Frequency
Provider
Individual Psychotherapy
1x weekly
Linda Carlson, LCSW
Group Psychotherapy (SPARCS 1x)
2x weekly
Linda Carlson, LCSW
Recreational Psychotherapy
3x weekly
Lindsay Forbes, TRS, CTRS
Family Psychotherapy
1x weekly
Linda Carlson, LCSW
Diagnostic Interview
At admission and as needed
Jerome Vance, MD
Treatment Plan Review
1x monthly
Linda Carlson, LCSW
Milieu
Daily
Rebekah Schuler, APC
Skills Development
2x daily
Rebekah Schuler, APC
Chemical Dependence Education/Prevention
1x weekly
Linda Carlson, LCSW
Medication Management
2x daily
Nursing Staff
Cognitive Behavioral Interventions
Weekly
All treatment providers
Recommended Least Restrictive Agreement with Is recommended level
Level of care Alternative? level of care? of care available?
Residential Yes Yes Yes
Areas of Treatment and Diagnosis not currently being address in treatment Plan and Rationale:
Treatment Approaches:
The following treatment approaches are being implemented:
Medication:
Dosage:
Frequency:
Start Date:
End Date:
Prescribed by:
Zyprexa
2.5 mg
2x daily
5/30/12
9/10/12
Jerome Vance, MD
Medication Note: for bipolar disorder
Augmentin
500 mg
3x daily
5/30/12
6/9/12
Jerome Vance, MD
Medication Note:
Zyprexa 10mg night 6/6/12 Jerome Vance, MD
Medication Note: for bipolar disorder
Wellbutrin XL 300mg morning 6/10/12 Jerome Vance, MD
Medication Note: for bipolar disorder and ADHD
Lo-Ogestreo daily Jerome Vance, MD
Medication Note: to regulate period
Zyprexa 5mg PRN Jerome Vance, MD
Medication Note: agitation
Zyprexa
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